(The following was Nancy Pelosi's first interview after delivering Articles of Impeachment to the Senate)
REPORTER: “Nancy, now that you’ve delivered the Articles of Impeachment to the Senate, do you think about how this all started? Do you think back to that historic impeachment vote?”
NANCY: “It was a sad, sad, sad day for America. A very solemn occasion.”
REPORTER: “Is that why you dressed in black?”
NANCY: “Yes…I never wanted this…I never wanted this...”
REPORTER: “Really? You never wanted to impeach Trump?”
NANCY: “I never wanted to wear black.”
REPORTER: “Oh, I see.”
NANCY: “Makes me look really white—"
REPORTER: “Right, got it.”
NANCY: “—and there are too many white people already—"
REPORTER: “Thanks, I got it.”
NANCY: “—ghostly, hateful white people, like Mike Pence…or that kid from ‘The Grudge’—"
REPORTER: “Got it! Thanks! But you wore black anyway?”
NANCY: “I had to. It symbolized my inner pain. This was all very solemn.”
REPORTER: “Nancy, was it really solemn? At one point, you had to shush fellow Democrats for celebrating.”
NANCY: “No, I didn’t.”
REPORTER: “But we all saw it on—”
NANCY: “Never happened.”
REPORTER: “But they were celebrating and you shushed—”
NANCY: “No one celebrated! I was shushing…Eric Swalwell.”
REPORTER: “Eric Swalwell?”
NANCY: “He has a bit of a gas problem.”
REPORTER: “Oh…right.”
NANCY: “Not that I mind, since it smells just like my home district in San Francisco.”
REPORTER: “You mean the sidewalk issues.”
NANCY: “Thanks to Eric, I’ll never forget my constituents. He keeps me grounded.”
REPORTER: “I see. So Nancy, back to the impeachment vote…”
NANCY: “Oh yes! We were all very solemn! We were in mourning! That’s why I wore black!”
REPORTER: “Okay. But do you think the veil was a bit much?”
NANCY: “It hides the white. Besides, we didn’t all wear veils. Ilhan Omar wore something very different…”
REPORTER: “Oh, was that her under there?”
NANCY: “Yes. Right next to Rashida Tlaib.”
REPORTER: “Got it. Say, why were they filming that video? And what were their demands? Were their hostages in real danger?”
NANCY: “That was just a mix-up. They thought it was a different meeting.”
REPORTER: “Still, it seemed a bit—”
NANCY: “Look, don’t tell me how to run an impeachment! I’m a Catholic, okay?! This is all very solemn! And prayerful! You know, we have God, we have a Pope, we have Adam Schiff, and he chaired the impeachment! He was like, you know, our Impeachment Pope!”
REPORTER: “Impeachment Pope?”
NANCY: “I’m a good Catholic.”
REPORTER: “Impeachment Pope?”
NANCY: “Don’t mock my faith! You don’t have to be Republican to have an Impeachment Pope! Democrats can have Impeachment Popes! I am so offended right now!”
REPORTER: “Look, I didn’t mean to—"
NANCY: “Democrats have faith too! The other day, I was reading that…you know…that book…the one the President put his hand on when we swore at him?”
REPORTER: “You mean ‘Swore him in?’”
NANCY: “We did?”
REPORTER: “Well, Chief Justice Roberts—look, I think you mean The Bible.”
NANCY: “Probably, yes…it was very thick.”
REPORTER: “Nancy, what’s your favorite thing about the Bible?”
NANCY: “Well, I like how it’s all so, you know…so biblical.”
REPORTER: “I see.”
NANCY: “And I’m a good…you know…a good…”
REPORTER: “Catholic?”
NANCY: “Thank you. Yes. That one.”
REPORTER: “Nancy, you said impeachment was urgent, and that our democracy was at stake—then you delayed sending the Articles of Impeachment to the Senate for several weeks. What happened to urgent?”
NANCY: “Well, when something is that urgent, you don’t want to rush it.”
REPORTER: “What?”
NANCY: “I needed time to…to pray. Yes, to pray. I’m always praying for our imposter President. I’m a good Catholic, you know.”
REPORTER: “I got that.”
NANCY: “Besides, I needed to make sure the Senate would have fair hearings, just like ours!”
REPORTER: “But in your hearings, you had Adam Schiff—”
NANCY: “—our Impeachment Pope—”
REPORTER: “—your Impeachment Pope…jeez, do I really have to say that? Okay, you had your Impeachment Pope acting as both Lead Prosecutor and Judge.”
NANCY: “We combined some roles to save on costs. Did it for the taxpayers.”
REPORTER: “You literally auditioned witnesses beforehand.”
NANCY: “Hey! At least we didn’t let Joe Biden come in to run the casting couch like he wanted! This was all kept very professional! And solemn!”
REPORTER: “But the Republicans weren’t allowed to call witnesses. You only had witnesses for one side.”
NANCY: “Had to keep moving. Time was short. Democracy was at stake. It was all too urgent.”
REPORTER: “Too urgent for a defense attorney? The defendant had no lawyer present to cross-examine.”
NANCY: “Didn’t need one. Not with an Impeachment Pope.”
REPORTER: “Well, your Impeachment Pope hid the whistleblower, so we couldn’t know if it was a serious witness or just an activist. The defendant couldn’t even face his accuser!”
NANCY: “It was for the whistleblower’s safety! Trump might have taken him out like he took out Soleimani!”
REPORTER: “Oh, come on…”
NANCY: “Drone strikes! From the sky! None of us are safe! And how do you know Soleimani wasn’t the whistleblower? This could have been retribution!”
REPORTER: “Soleimani was the whistleblower?”
NANCY: “Well…I’m not saying he wasn’t…”
REPORTER: “Anyway, back to the hearings. Nancy, instead of having leftwing academics and bereaved bureaucrats make speeches, why couldn’t you have some witnesses…who actually witnessed something?”
NANCY: “No time! Too urgent!”
REPORTER: “Nancy—”
NANCY: “Democracy was at stake! The apocalypse was upon us! The meteor was bearing down!”
REPORTER: “The what?”
NANCY: “We had to send up that drill team and save the planet!”
REPORTER: “Wait, that’s from ‘Armageddon’—"
NANCY: “You don’t understand the burdens of command! The nation was at risk! Drone strikes! From the sky! I was the only one standing between America and annihilation! My God, man, we barely finished in time for vacation!!!”
REPORTER: “Okay, speaking of God, let’s get back to your faith. You speak often of praying to your God—"
NANCY: “—or Goddess."
REPORTER: “Goddess? But you’re Catholic.”
NANCY: “Not only that, I’m also Catholic! And as a good Catholic, I think it’s high time a woman was elected as God! Our time has come!”
REPORTER: “I’m not sure we get to vote on—"
NANCY: “Next time I vote for God, I’m saying, ‘I’m with her!’”
REPORTER: “Nancy, I don’t think we get to—"
NANCY: “—I’m even thinking of running—”
REPORTER: “—Nancy—"
NANCY: “—I think about these things—”
REPORTER: “—Nancy—”
NANCY: “—because I’m really, you know…wake.”
REPORTER: “Woke.”
NANCY: “Broke? No, I’m quite wealthy—”
REPORTER: “Woke! You’re really woke!”
NANCY: “Woke? Are you sure? What the hell does that mean?”
REPORTER: “It means you wear veils to hide your whiteness.”
NANCY: “Oh…well then, yes…I’m wake.”
NANCY: “It was a sad, sad, sad day for America. A very solemn occasion.”
REPORTER: “Is that why you dressed in black?”
NANCY: “Yes…I never wanted this…I never wanted this...”
REPORTER: “Really? You never wanted to impeach Trump?”
NANCY: “I never wanted to wear black.”
REPORTER: “Oh, I see.”
NANCY: “Makes me look really white—"
REPORTER: “Right, got it.”
NANCY: “—and there are too many white people already—"
REPORTER: “Thanks, I got it.”
NANCY: “—ghostly, hateful white people, like Mike Pence…or that kid from ‘The Grudge’—"
REPORTER: “Got it! Thanks! But you wore black anyway?”
NANCY: “I had to. It symbolized my inner pain. This was all very solemn.”
REPORTER: “Nancy, was it really solemn? At one point, you had to shush fellow Democrats for celebrating.”
NANCY: “No, I didn’t.”
REPORTER: “But we all saw it on—”
NANCY: “Never happened.”
REPORTER: “But they were celebrating and you shushed—”
NANCY: “No one celebrated! I was shushing…Eric Swalwell.”
REPORTER: “Eric Swalwell?”
NANCY: “He has a bit of a gas problem.”
REPORTER: “Oh…right.”
NANCY: “Not that I mind, since it smells just like my home district in San Francisco.”
REPORTER: “You mean the sidewalk issues.”
NANCY: “Thanks to Eric, I’ll never forget my constituents. He keeps me grounded.”
REPORTER: “I see. So Nancy, back to the impeachment vote…”
NANCY: “Oh yes! We were all very solemn! We were in mourning! That’s why I wore black!”
REPORTER: “Okay. But do you think the veil was a bit much?”
NANCY: “It hides the white. Besides, we didn’t all wear veils. Ilhan Omar wore something very different…”
REPORTER: “Oh, was that her under there?”
NANCY: “Yes. Right next to Rashida Tlaib.”
REPORTER: “Got it. Say, why were they filming that video? And what were their demands? Were their hostages in real danger?”
NANCY: “That was just a mix-up. They thought it was a different meeting.”
REPORTER: “Still, it seemed a bit—”
NANCY: “Look, don’t tell me how to run an impeachment! I’m a Catholic, okay?! This is all very solemn! And prayerful! You know, we have God, we have a Pope, we have Adam Schiff, and he chaired the impeachment! He was like, you know, our Impeachment Pope!”
REPORTER: “Impeachment Pope?”
NANCY: “I’m a good Catholic.”
REPORTER: “Impeachment Pope?”
NANCY: “Don’t mock my faith! You don’t have to be Republican to have an Impeachment Pope! Democrats can have Impeachment Popes! I am so offended right now!”
REPORTER: “Look, I didn’t mean to—"
NANCY: “Democrats have faith too! The other day, I was reading that…you know…that book…the one the President put his hand on when we swore at him?”
REPORTER: “You mean ‘Swore him in?’”
NANCY: “We did?”
REPORTER: “Well, Chief Justice Roberts—look, I think you mean The Bible.”
NANCY: “Probably, yes…it was very thick.”
REPORTER: “Nancy, what’s your favorite thing about the Bible?”
NANCY: “Well, I like how it’s all so, you know…so biblical.”
REPORTER: “I see.”
NANCY: “And I’m a good…you know…a good…”
REPORTER: “Catholic?”
NANCY: “Thank you. Yes. That one.”
REPORTER: “Nancy, you said impeachment was urgent, and that our democracy was at stake—then you delayed sending the Articles of Impeachment to the Senate for several weeks. What happened to urgent?”
NANCY: “Well, when something is that urgent, you don’t want to rush it.”
REPORTER: “What?”
NANCY: “I needed time to…to pray. Yes, to pray. I’m always praying for our imposter President. I’m a good Catholic, you know.”
REPORTER: “I got that.”
NANCY: “Besides, I needed to make sure the Senate would have fair hearings, just like ours!”
REPORTER: “But in your hearings, you had Adam Schiff—”
NANCY: “—our Impeachment Pope—”
REPORTER: “—your Impeachment Pope…jeez, do I really have to say that? Okay, you had your Impeachment Pope acting as both Lead Prosecutor and Judge.”
NANCY: “We combined some roles to save on costs. Did it for the taxpayers.”
REPORTER: “You literally auditioned witnesses beforehand.”
NANCY: “Hey! At least we didn’t let Joe Biden come in to run the casting couch like he wanted! This was all kept very professional! And solemn!”
REPORTER: “But the Republicans weren’t allowed to call witnesses. You only had witnesses for one side.”
NANCY: “Had to keep moving. Time was short. Democracy was at stake. It was all too urgent.”
REPORTER: “Too urgent for a defense attorney? The defendant had no lawyer present to cross-examine.”
NANCY: “Didn’t need one. Not with an Impeachment Pope.”
REPORTER: “Well, your Impeachment Pope hid the whistleblower, so we couldn’t know if it was a serious witness or just an activist. The defendant couldn’t even face his accuser!”
NANCY: “It was for the whistleblower’s safety! Trump might have taken him out like he took out Soleimani!”
REPORTER: “Oh, come on…”
NANCY: “Drone strikes! From the sky! None of us are safe! And how do you know Soleimani wasn’t the whistleblower? This could have been retribution!”
REPORTER: “Soleimani was the whistleblower?”
NANCY: “Well…I’m not saying he wasn’t…”
REPORTER: “Anyway, back to the hearings. Nancy, instead of having leftwing academics and bereaved bureaucrats make speeches, why couldn’t you have some witnesses…who actually witnessed something?”
NANCY: “No time! Too urgent!”
REPORTER: “Nancy—”
NANCY: “Democracy was at stake! The apocalypse was upon us! The meteor was bearing down!”
REPORTER: “The what?”
NANCY: “We had to send up that drill team and save the planet!”
REPORTER: “Wait, that’s from ‘Armageddon’—"
NANCY: “You don’t understand the burdens of command! The nation was at risk! Drone strikes! From the sky! I was the only one standing between America and annihilation! My God, man, we barely finished in time for vacation!!!”
REPORTER: “Okay, speaking of God, let’s get back to your faith. You speak often of praying to your God—"
NANCY: “—or Goddess."
REPORTER: “Goddess? But you’re Catholic.”
NANCY: “Not only that, I’m also Catholic! And as a good Catholic, I think it’s high time a woman was elected as God! Our time has come!”
REPORTER: “I’m not sure we get to vote on—"
NANCY: “Next time I vote for God, I’m saying, ‘I’m with her!’”
REPORTER: “Nancy, I don’t think we get to—"
NANCY: “—I’m even thinking of running—”
REPORTER: “—Nancy—"
NANCY: “—I think about these things—”
REPORTER: “—Nancy—”
NANCY: “—because I’m really, you know…wake.”
REPORTER: “Woke.”
NANCY: “Broke? No, I’m quite wealthy—”
REPORTER: “Woke! You’re really woke!”
NANCY: “Woke? Are you sure? What the hell does that mean?”
REPORTER: “It means you wear veils to hide your whiteness.”
NANCY: “Oh…well then, yes…I’m wake.”
(Silence)
REPORTER: “Nancy, what comes next? Will you step aside and let Mitch McConnell oversee the Senate process, or will you issue more ultimatums?”
NANCY: “Well, you never can tell. I’ll need more time to pray. I’m Catholic, you know. That’s why I pray the Rosary.” (gestures to her necklace)
REPORTER: “Nancy, those aren’t beads. They’re diamonds…big ones.”
NANCY: “Yes, well…nothing is too good for my faith.”
NANCY: “Well, you never can tell. I’ll need more time to pray. I’m Catholic, you know. That’s why I pray the Rosary.” (gestures to her necklace)
REPORTER: “Nancy, those aren’t beads. They’re diamonds…big ones.”
NANCY: “Yes, well…nothing is too good for my faith.”
(Silence)
REPORTER: “Nancy, I have to ask: Do you really pray to the Christian God, or do you pray to forest spirits in a gathering of druids?”
NANCY: “Well, I only know it’s dark and everyone’s wearing robes. It’s confusing. Half the time I can’t tell who’s under those hoods…except for Eric Swalwell. His robe keeps puffing up like he’s wearing a hoop skirt.”
REPORTER: “Hey, wow, look at the time—”
NANCY: “Whenever it happens, we’re all like, ‘Yep, that’s Eric.’”
REPORTER: “Okay, I think we’re done here.”
NANCY: “He reminds me of my district. Keeps me grounded.”
REPORTER: “Great. Thanks. I think I have all I need.”
NANCY: “Did you know those wire under-skirts were once called ‘Farthingales?’ Kind of ironic.”
REPORTER: “Thanks for sharing that! Gotta go! Good luck at the lynching!”
NANCY: “Oh, I don’t need luck... (she bows her head) ...I’m a woman of prayer.”
NANCY: “Well, I only know it’s dark and everyone’s wearing robes. It’s confusing. Half the time I can’t tell who’s under those hoods…except for Eric Swalwell. His robe keeps puffing up like he’s wearing a hoop skirt.”
REPORTER: “Hey, wow, look at the time—”
NANCY: “Whenever it happens, we’re all like, ‘Yep, that’s Eric.’”
REPORTER: “Okay, I think we’re done here.”
NANCY: “He reminds me of my district. Keeps me grounded.”
REPORTER: “Great. Thanks. I think I have all I need.”
NANCY: “Did you know those wire under-skirts were once called ‘Farthingales?’ Kind of ironic.”
REPORTER: “Thanks for sharing that! Gotta go! Good luck at the lynching!”
NANCY: “Oh, I don’t need luck... (she bows her head) ...I’m a woman of prayer.”
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