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Joe and Vlad by Andy Peth

6/18/2021

(The scene is a massive room with a world map on the wall. Vladimir Putin is already seated, waiting in the center. A large door opens, and Joe Biden walks in with Jill Biden at his side. They approach Putin.)

JOE: “Vladimir, I’d like you to meet my wife, Jill.”

VLAD: “No.”

(long silence)

JOE: “You won’t meet my wife?”

VLAD: “Maybe. Maybe not. You are weak. I dictate terms.”

JOE: “Well, okay.”  (leans over to Jill)  “Boy, he’s a tough negotiator!”

VLAD: “You know you’re not whispering, yes?”

JOE:  (leans back to Jill) “Honey, I think he knows I’m not whispering.”

JILL: “Shhh!”

JOE: “Jill, I need some help here. Maybe you could just give me some lines and I’ll say them!  Like when you wrote my vows!”

VLAD:  “Still not whispering.”

JOE: “Gosh, those were great vows…”

VLAD: “Still not—”

JOE: “My favorite part was where I promised to love, honor, and obey China.”

VLAD: “Still not--wait, China?”

JILL: “You.”

JOE: “Me?”

JILL: “It’s ‘love, honor, and obey you.’”

JOE: “Obey myself?  What about China?”

VLAD: “You make vow to China?”

JOE: “Vlad, if you don’t mind, I’m having a conversation here with my daughter.”

JILL: “Wife.”

JOE: “With my wife.”

VLAD: “Is no problem. American woman wear pants, yes?

JOE: “Well—”

VLAD: “In Russia, men wear pants. But no shirt. Should I take off shirt?”

JILL: “Please don’t—”

VLAD: “I take off shirt, ride on horse.”

JILL: “That’s really not necess—”

JOE: “You have a horse, Vlad? My parents got me a pony once!”

JILL: “Joe—”

JOE: “I named it, ‘Pony Once.’”

JILL: “Joe—”

JOE: “I ran him in a race. He placed last, but he was the fastest Shetland!”

(long silence)

VLAD: “I take off shirt now.”

JILL: “Please don’t.  Um, Joe, dear—"

VLAD:  “I take off shirt, ride on horse. Wimpy man will ride tiny pony…go yeehaa.”

JOE: “Okay!”

JILL: “Joe, maybe we should start the summit now. Remember the script I sent you?”

JOE: “That was a script?”

JILL: “Yes!  I outlined our strategy, told you where to sit, how to gesture—you still have it, don’t you?”

JOE: “Sure, I do! I put it all on my phone right here so I could—oh wait. I guess I posted it.”

JILL: “You what?”

JOE: “Yep. There it is, on my Facebook page.”

JILL: “OH GOD! OH GOD!”

JOE: “Man, look at all the comments! We could use these!”

JILL: “OH GOD! OH GOD!”

VLAD: “We start summit now, yes?”

JOE: “Why do you keep saying ‘yes?’ Is that a code? Is this like collusion?”

(Vladimir just stares ahead, confused)

JOE: “Well, let’s just wing it! I can’t scroll up to the script anyway. I keep hitting repost.”

JILL: “OH GOD! OH GOD!”

JOE: “Honey, could you stop saying God’s name? Russians hate that word!  They’re like Democrats! Now Vlad, I just want you to know, I believe our two great nations can forge a powerful, enduring new partnership, bringing peace and security to the world, wherever China lets us.”

VLAD: “China?”

JOE: “But first, Vlad, it’s time to get tough.  I’m going to need a nuclear arms deal.”

VLAD: “Well, I—”

JOE: “So as a gesture of good faith, I’ve already gotten rid of ours. All of them.”

VLAD: “What?”

JOE:  “Okay, now you go.”

VLAD:  “Sorry, I am…how do you say…confused?”

JOE: “That’s great, Vlad! That’s how I always say it!”

VLAD: “You have disarmed all nuclear weapons?”

JOE:  “Yeah!  I got rid of all our nukes, so now, you go ahead!”

VLAD:  “Very well, I reduce our stockpiles by, say, 10%..."

JOE:  “Really?”

VLAD:  “…of projected 30% increase.”

JOE:  “Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute!  10% of a 30% increase? That means…wait, don’t rush me…okay, carry the one…MY GOD, MAN, I’LL BE A HERO!”

VLAD:  “Hero?”

JOE:  “Sorry about the God thing. But wow, 10% of 30%!  That’s like, 50%! Maybe more! That’s way better than I expected!”

VLAD: “Maybe I give too much…”

JOE: “This is just like our oil deals! You know, like when I shut down our pipelines and approved yours! Man, diplomacy is easy!”

VLAD: “Yes, Russia very grateful. Growing very rich now. I buy new horse.”

JOE: “And now I got you to disarm some…some…you know, the things! Yeah!  I’ll be a hero!”

VLAD:  “To Mother Russia, my friend, you already are.”

JOE: “Really? Wow!”  (grabs phone)  “Here, let me tell everyone…whoops, wrong screen…why does this thing keep posting?”

JILL: “Joe, give me that!”

JOE: “Hey, hands off the phone, Jill! I need this! Someone wrote me a script!”

VLAD: “No rush.  Deal not done yet. Must ratify with Congress.”

JOE: “Wait, you have a Congress?”

VLAD: “I speak of America.”

JOE: “We have a Congress?”

(long silence)

VLAD: “Okay. We celebrate now. I take off shirt. Drink vodka. Smoke cigar. You ride pony.”

JOE: “Yeehaa! Man, Trump never got this much done!”

The End

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The DNC Telethon of Rage By Andy Peth

8/24/2020

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HOST: “And welcome back to the 35th hour of our DNC Convention Telethon! Operators are standing by, so let’s get those phones ringing with donations and excitement for Joe Biden!”

(silence)

HOST: “Seems we have a bit of a lull, so let’s talk to one of our operators, Congresswoman Ayanna Pressley!”

AYANNA: (grabs the mic) “What’s the matter? Whitey don’t wanna give? (making airquotes with her hands) Do I not 'look’ the right way? Well? I asked you a question! Don’t look away when I’m talking to you! Do you see these silent phones? Well, silence is violence! Silence…is…violence! Maybe I should send some of my (airquotes) ‘staff’ over to kick your privileged little white—"

HOST: (grabs the mic) “Thank you, Congresswoman Pressley, for those inspirational words! The Democrat Party believes in the power of love through diversity! That is our message of healing for this great land!”

AYANNA: (in the background) “Kill Whitey!”

HOST: “That’s right! Go Joe Biden!”

AYANNA: “Who?”

HOST: “And speaking of Joe Biden, we now have a special guest. Ladies and gentlemen, our next President’s son, Hunter Biden!”

HUNTER: “I’m rich!”

HOST: “Yes, thanks to The Obama-Biden Recovery, America is still a place where we reach our dreams!”

HUNTER: “And so is Ukraine! And China! Oh man, I’ve never done a thing, and there’s money falling from the sky! Make it rain, baby! Make it rain!”

HOST: “Hunter, your story shows how anyone can make it in America with some honest, hard work, and a socially conscious attitude!”

HUNTER: “What?”

AYANNA: (in the background) “Kill Whitey!”

HOST: “Right! Go Joe Biden!”

HUNTER: “Who?”

HOST: “Your father, Hunter. Jooooooe Biden!”

HUNTER: “Oh, right! He makes it rain!”

HOST: “Thank you, Hunter Biden.”

HUNTER: “I’m getting paid for this, right?”

HOST: “And now, let’s hear from Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez!”

AOC: “Hi America! They only gave me a minute, so let me just say, EVERY COP IS GUILTY! But in the re-education camps I’m proposing, those storm troopers will learn the true meaning of pain—”

HOST: “Wow, time’s up! Thank you, Congresswoman Ocasio-Cortez.”

AOC: (in the background) “I endorse Bernie! We can still have Bernie!”

HOST: “And now, a word from our sponsors!”

(Footage of Portland riots)

HOST: “Welcome back to the DNC Convention Telethon! Ladies and gentlemen, hold on to your seats! It is my privilege to introduce the next Vice President of the United States, Kamala Harris!”

KAMALA: (actual quote) “This virus, it has no eyes…”

HOST: “I’m sorry, what?”

KAMALA: (actual quote) “This virus, it has no eyes, and yet it knows exactly how we see each other and how we treat each other.”

HOST: “Okay, then! Moving on—”

KAMALA: “So, why did I call Joe a racist?”

HOST: “I didn’t ask.”

KAMALA: (actual quote) “Hey, it was a debate! Hahahahaha! It was a debate! Hahahahaha! It was a debate! Hahahaha—”

HOST: “KAMALA!”

KAMALA: “Whoops…got stuck in a feedback loop! Don’t you hate that?”

(She goes quiet, staring blankly ahead for several seconds. Then…)

KAMALA: “Hahahahaha!”

HOST: (nervous laugh) “Yeah…ha…ha…”

KAMALA: “It was just a debate, and I don’t mean anything I say in a debate! Don’t you see how that fixes everything I said about Joe?”

HOST: “Well—”

KAMALA: “Don’t you see me? The real me? Like a virus sees me?”

(silence)

HOST: “Kamala, you’ve said you smoked weed in school, right?”

KAMALA: “Sure did!”

HOST: “And you inhaled?”

KAMALA: “Sure did!”

HOST: “Did you ever exhale?”

(several seconds of silence)

KAMALA: “Hahahahaha!”

HOST: “Okay, then! I don’t know about you, folks, but I feel WOKE! And yet, there’s nothing more woke than a Conservative Republican seeing the light and joining our side. Please enjoy this taped message from former Ohio Governor, John Kasich.”

KASICH: “Hi, I’m John Kasich. Behind me, out here in this field, you can see a divided road. This signifies the two choices we have before us—choices that will decide our nation’s future. Further back, you’ll see some crop circles. The first is simply a circle, which signifies…round things. Next comes a series of elaborate symbols. Now, I’m not sure what they mean, but the aliens who reprogrammed me several years ago said if we learn to speak them, we’ll be spared from the great cleansing that is to come—”

HOST: “Wait, what was that?”

KASICH: “—and why am I removing my shirt? It’s to reveal the tattoos I received during the experiments. I was up there a long time, so this could take a while—"

HOST: “Cut the feed!

KASICH: “—and I will now protect our world with a ritual dance—"

HOST: “Here’s a word from our sponsors!”

(Footage of Portland riots)

HOST: “Welcome back to The DNC Convention Telethon! And now we have…let’s see here…oh yes, now we have little Tammy Smith, who will be (reading slowly to get it right)…twirling her flaming batons of social justice…”

(A masked, angry looking white girl in a BLM shirt stomps on stage. She’s carrying two batons)

HOST: “And here goes Tammy, warming up with a few moves…now they’re lighting her batons…very exciting…wow, she can really twirl…don’t look away, folks, as I hear ‘Danger’ is Tammy’s middle…wait a minute, is the fire spreading?...just part of the show…NO WAIT! IT’S HER MASK! LITTLE TAMMY’S MASK IS ON FIRE!”

“Omigosh, the medics have rushed on stage! Tammy’s screaming, 'Back off, pigs!’ Now they’re making her drop and roll in a blanket! NO, NO, NOT WITH THE BATONS! THROW AWAY THE BATONS!”

“NOW THE BLANKET’S ON FIRE! THIS IS HORRIBLE! THIS IS—what? Go to break? Okay, let’s go to break! And now, a word from our sponsors!”

(Footage of Portland riots)

HOST: “Welcome back to the DNC Convention Telethon! And now, the moment we’ve all been waiting for, here’s your next President of—”

BIDEN: “—is this on?”

HOST: “Yes, we hear you, Joe!”

BIDEN: “Is this loud enough? I want people to hear this. I’ve got a script someone wrote.”

HOST: “That’s good, Joe—”

BIDEN: “Not sure who wrote it. Think it was one of my sponsors—”

(Footage of Portland riots)

HOST: “Not yet! Not yet! “

BIDEN: “Okay, I can wait—”

HOST: “No, not you, Joe!”

BIDEN: “Not me? Did I already go? How did I do?”

HOST: “Just technical difficulties, Joe! A problem with our sponsors—"

(Footage of Portland riots)

HOST: “Stop that!”

BIDEN: “Okay.”

HOST: “No! Wait! It’s your turn, Joe! (regaining composure) I see you’re speaking from your home. Again.”

BIDEN: “I sure am! I like it here. Real peaceful. Nice men feed me through a slot in the door.”

HOST: “That’s…um…”

BIDEN: “Today was Salisbury Steak day!”

HOST: “Joe—”

BIDEN: “Did Hunter speak yet?”

HOST: “Yes, Joe—”

BIDEN: “He’s rich, you know! And if I’m made President, I’ll do that for every American! I’ll threaten countries with foreign aid cuts until they give every American a cushy job sitting on some board in Ukraine!"

HOST: “Joe—”

BIDEN: (looking at camera) “Or my name ain’t Joe Biden!”

HOST: “Joe—”

BIDEN: “And I’m pretty sure it is!”

HOST: “Joe!”

BIDEN: “Did you see me on stage with Kamala?”

HOST: “Yes, Joe—”

BIDEN: “We were so far apart, I thought we were gonna have a dance-off.”

HOST: “Joe—”

BIDEN: “Then we kept raising our hands like we were lifting something! But there was nothing in my hands! I know, cuz I looked real close!”

HOST: “Joe—”

BIDEN: “That got me confused, and I get angry when I’m confused! I was like, ‘What the hell are we lifting in this empty room?’ I started to wander off, but the Salisbury Steak guys steered me back. Anyway, Kamala just kept smiling and lifting, so I did, too. Man, she was far away!”

HOST: “Joe—”

BIDEN: “Did you see me on stage with Kamala?”

HOST: “Yes, Joe—”

BIDEN: “We stood further apart than Bill and Hillary at their wedding!”

HOST: “JOE!!”

BIDEN: “Are we done yet? I’m tired.”

HOST: “Sure Joe, we’re done.”

(long silence)

BIDEN: “How did I do?”

(long silence)

HOST: “Sponsors.”

(Footage of Portland riots)

(The End)

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Pinko And The Brainless By Andy Peth

8/17/2020

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Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Joe Biden and his ultra-left VP candidate, Kamala Harris.

(Cue music to “Pinky and the Brain”)

They’re Pinko and the Brainless! Yes Pinko and the Brainless! One is a Commie! The other’s just brainless! Before the night is done, their plans will be unfurled! By the dawning of the sun, they’ll give us to the world!

They’re Pinko, they’re Pinko and the Brain…less…Brain…less…Brain…less…Brain…less…

PINKO: “Gee Brainless, what are we gonna to do tonight?”

BRAINLESS: “Who?”

PINKO: “We. What are WE gonna do tonight?”

BRAINLESS: “When?”

PINKO: (getting testy) “TONIGHT. What are WE gonna do…TONIGHT?”

BRAINLESS: “I’m sorry, I was supposed to have some notes here…”

PINKO: “Try…”

BRAINLESS: “I am trying.”

PINKO: “No, tryyyyyy—”

BRAINLESS: “Oh! Tryyyyyyy—”

PINKO: “—yes, tryyyyy—”

BRAINLESS: “I’ve got it! We’re going to try!”

PINKO: “Yes! I mean no! Just say tryyyyyy—”

BRAINLESS: “—tryyyyy—”

PINKO: “—tooooo—”

BRAINLESS: “—tooooo—”

PINKO: “—now together, tryyyyy toooo—”

BRAINLESS: “Oh, right! Tryyyyy tooooo…colonize the sun!”

PINKO: “What?”

BRAINLESS: “There’d be free energy forever!”

PINKO: “No!”

BRAINLESS: “That’s solar energy, baby! Maybe some wind. Lots of jobs…”

PINKO: “No, no, no! Repeat after me! Same thing we do every night, Pinko—”

BRAINLESS: “I repeat after you every night?”

PINKO: “What? No!”

BRAINLESS: “No wonder you’re all mad.”

PINKO: “No! Just repeat after me! Same thing we do every night, Pinko.”

BRAINLESS: “Same thing we do…together…at the thing…what was that middle part?”

PINKO: “Every night! Every night!”

BRAINLESS: “I have hairy legs.”

PINKO: “What?! What has that got to do with—”

BRAINLESS: “Say, are you black? Or are you diverse like the Mexican Hispanics of El Salvador?”

PINKO: “What?”

BRAINLESS: “Black people are all the same…except Barack…he’s clean…talks like a real person!”

PINKO: “Stop it! Just stop it!”

BRAINLESS: “You know, I only chose you because you’re black and…whatever gender you are.”

PINKO: “Shut up! Just repeat after me! Same thing we do every night, Pinko!”

BRAINLESS: “How do I shut up and repeat after you?”

PINKO: “I…I…”

BRAINLESS: “Look, I’m going back to my basement. Tell me when it’s Spring.”

PINKO: “No! You just have to say one line! Same thing we do every night, Pinko! Try to take over the world!”

BRAINLESS: “Try to take over the…take over the…you know, the thing!”

PINKO: “The world!”

BRAINLESS: “Right! That planet! I knew that!”

PINKO: “Say the world!”

BRAINLESS: “The world!”

PINKO: “Yes, the world!”

BRAINLESS: “The world! I’m getting good at this!”

PINKO: “Right! The world!”

BRAINLESS: “The world! It’s that planet where…where everyone boards up their windows when our supporters march!”

PINKO: “Right! No, wait!”

BRAINLESS: “Worlds are good for marching! Lots of space!”

PINKO: “Stop it! You’re derailing!”

BRAINLESS: “Did you know March is also a month? I mean, who names a month after walking around?”

PINKO: “Focus!”

BRAINLESS: “Do people board up their windows that whole month?”

PINKO: “Stop it, stop it, stop it!”

BRAINLESS: “Probably just black people. They’re all the same, you know. Except Barack. Clean guy. Talks like a real—”

PINKO: “Will you shut up!”

BRAINLESS: “You know, when we were at the White House, Barack never boarded it up. Not even in March.”

PINKO: “Will you please shut up!”

BRAINLESS: “Did you know he endorsed me when no one else was running anymore?”

PINKO: “Omigod, shut up!”

BRAINLESS: “That was nice of him. Nice guy. Clean guy."

PINKO: “SHUT UP!”

BRAINLESS: “I’ll bet he showers before every march.”

PINKO: “For the love of…SHUT UP!”

BRAINLESS: “When Barack talks, you can’t even tell he’s…wait, what color are you?"

PINKO: “SHUUUUUUUT! UUUUUUUP!”

BRAINLESS: “I hope you’re the right color. They told me to really focus on that.”

PINKO: “I can’t take this anymore.”

BRAINLESS: “What a name for a month—March. Did you know in my favorite country, China, they say it’s the year of the? Like, the year of the rabbit? The year of the horse? The year of the dog-faced pony soldier?”

PINKO: (with her head in her hands) “Sure. Whatever. Please shut up.”

BRAINLESS: “My good friend Robert Byrd would say the year of the darky. They told me to focus on that when choosing a running mate.”

PINKO: “Omigosh, this is like needles in my eyes…”

BRAINLESS: “You know, if we win, our supporters will stop marching, and everyone can stop boarding up their windows. That will save trees. And that will save the planet. I smell a campaign issue!”

PINKO: “Uh huh…”

BRAINLESS: “AOC would like that. She’s my Energy and Environment advisor. I call her AOC because I can’t pronounce her name. Did you know her people are diverse?”

PINKO: “Uh huh…”

BRAINLESS: “Hey, you just leave the driving to me. I got this. Remember, I beat you in those debates.”

(With her head still in her hands, Pinko is quietly sobbing)

BRAINLESS: “But for now, I’m going back to my basement. Tell me when it’s Spring.”

(Music resumes)

They’re Pinko, they’re Pinko and the Brain…less…Brain…less…Brain…less…Brain…less…

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Choice Words: “Babysitting and Food” by Andy Peth

7/16/2020

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President Trump wants kids back in school, and I agree.

But is “learning” the big reason to reopen?  That’s not what I hear from parents and politicians.  Rather than hopes of kids learning in public schools, I overwhelmingly hear about free childcare and meals.  “I have a job,” they say, “and I can’t afford daycare.”  Or, “What will kids eat without school lunches?”

Free babysitting and food—these dominate the discussion.  Sure, I sympathize.  I do!  But it gets me wondering, are my tax dollars just funding other peoples’ childcare?  Are we really educating a workforce, or just letting the government raise kids?

After all, look at the product.  I’ve managed young employees produced by our schools, and their writing skills were laughable.  Don’t believe me?  Try asking them to structure a paragraph, and they’ll churn out something little better than what you’d get from zombie mice staggering across a keyboard.   In urban schools especially, kids can barely read their own protest signs.

“What are you protesting, son?”

He points at the sign.  “This!”

“Really?  And what is ‘This?’”

“Hey, leave me alone!  I got out of class for this!  And I’m getting an ‘A!’  Did you know ‘A’ is one of the most important vowels?  I’M IMPORTANT!”

“Yes, I’m sure you’ll win valedictorian.”

“Too late, dude.  They gave it to some zombie mouse.  The system is so rigged!”

Babysitting and food, babysitting and food.  Tell me, parents, do kids stop eating during the summer?  Do you just have them frozen for months at a time?

“Hi!  Meet my wife Kate, and these blocks of ice are Billy and Renee.  Why are we dragging them behind us with a rope?  It’s to simulate ‘play.’  But don’t worry, when school starts up, we can thaw them and haul them to the nearest Daycare Elementary.  There, they will write the finest protest signs known to man!”

Today’s public schools are about babysitting and food, and for these tax-funded luxuries, parents allow their kids to become Bernie zealots inside the cell walls of academia.  Pacifying us with kiddie care and food, schools get to train barely literate activists—puppets, really, who panic at hearing dissenting views in their bubble-wrapped safe space.

Maybe we could do less damage by simply herding kids into those penitentiaries being emptied by Democrat Governors to fight COVID.   For exercise, the kids could pump iron in the yard, or enjoy a rousing game of “Dodge the Shiv.”  At lunchtime, they’d feast on “Mammal Chow” food pellets—dispensed down chutes by East German ladies in hairnets.

Hey, at least it would be cheaper.  But alas, there would be a stigma, as prison looks almost as bad on a job app as graduating High School in Baltimore.  Either way, you’re scarred for life.

Mr. President, do I want kids back in school?  Sure!  I just wish school was more than free babysitting and food.

At least then, the protest signs would make more sense.

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My Own City By Andy Peth

6/12/2020

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Today I am free.

For too long I’ve been held beneath my wife’s dominance, but now I have taken action. Seizing cushions from our couch and loveseat, I built a fort in the center of our living room. I call it my “Special Persons Autonomous Zone.”

Or, “SPAZ.”

Don’t misunderstand, SPAZ isn’t anarchy. It is not without government, as I have installed an Elmo doll as my official Warlord. Yes, Elmo rules with an iron fist—but I’m not scared. It is for my own good. Charging reasonable fees, Elmo assures me this protection money will keep all SPAZ businesses safe from common, reasonable pressures of our community, like burnings.

Thankfully, I’m not alone in my struggle. Seattle’s Mayor Jenny Durkan has already voiced her support, saying, “SPAZ isn’t terrorism; it’s patriotism.” I’m told she said the same for similar actions in her city. Honoring liberty, she calls SPAZ “a place for free speech, community, and self expression.” Well done, Mayor Durkan. Couldn’t have said it better myself.

Unfortunately, it’s been 20 minutes now, and supplies are running low. I’m starting to realize SPAZ has no resources of its own, except a Cliff Bar I looted from a nearby cabinet before walling myself in. Gotta make that last. But hey, it’s all good. This won’t be a Donner Party thing—at least I don’t think so—because I’m sure allies like Mayor Durkan will air-drop provisions. I just hope she can meet my extensive vegan demands, or I’ll never build a paradise like Seattle or Minneapolis.

Now there is some controversy, as not everyone recognizes the sovereign state of SPAZ. There has been pushback, most notably from a Trump-supporting faction I call, “Women Inflicting Fascism Everywhere,” or “WIFE.” Negotiations have stalled. Thus far, WIFE ignores my protests, even when I shout “Hey hey! Ho ho! Chick Flick Fridays have to go!” In a show of force, WIFE just callously turns up the volume on “The Wedding Planner.”

The sounds of tyranny, my brothers. The sounds of tyranny. Stay strong.

I accused WIFE of systemic oppression, then she reeled off tons of statistics showing otherwise—brow-beating me with numbers rather than hearing my pain. In response, I gave her the same statement she got from an actual Black Lives Matter advocate in an actual online debate:

“It doesn’t matter what the facts are if you’re on the wrong side of the issue.”

After a slight twitch from her left eye, WIFE asked what I wanted. I gave her a list of demands, including the immediate release of anyone matching my demographic from prisons everywhere, and the defunding of all authorities not named “Elmo.” After twitching again, she asked if she could count on Elmo’s help if our home was broken into during the night. Oh, I was ready for that one. Quoting Minneapolis City Council President Lisa Bender, I told WIFE her question “comes from a place of privilege.”

More twitching. Seems chronic. Could be COVID.

Anyway, my cause is just. WIFE may hold the remote—along with all functioning parts of the home—but not the truth! I have the truth, and I can live on that! When the nights turn cold, I’ll cover myself in truth! When supplies run out, I’ll eat truth! If necessary, I’ll use truth for sanitation purposes! WIFE thinks she has the upper hand, just because she runs everything everywhere that produces anything! But I have truth! And my truth can’t be measured by facts that don’t matter!

Sadly, only Elmo understands me, and that’s not good, since he just seized the Cliff Bar. When I asked if I could have the crumbs for nourishment, Elmo said he needed it all, since quality protection doesn’t come cheap. Then he hobbled me with a baton.

Man, freedom hurts.

To be honest, things started going south in SPAZ. I wanted to air my grievances with Elmo, but he just looked at me and casually mentioned he’s ticklish. That was…awkward. I mean, invitations to tickle my Warlord must violate harassment statutes, right?

I backed away to the opposite corner of my fort. SPAZ can be a scary place.

But now, the crisis is over. At long last, President Trump contacted WIFE and said if she doesn’t get control of her house, he will. He’ll send in the military, turn on some real movies that real human beings want to watch, and ship me to Guantanamo. There he’ll re-institute Enhanced Interrogation, without even asking me anything.

The threat worked. Apocalypse averted. WIFE has turned on U-571, which still has Matthew McConaughey, but it’s about war, submarines, and loud noises—so I can understand it. The cushions are back on the couch, and I’m not being water-boarded on an island somewhere.

All is well. Once again, we see a great truth in life: If you thoroughly annoy good people who have done nothing wrong, they’ll fold.

I learned it from Al Sharpton.

So be strong, my brothers. Find your inner strength. Deep down, there’s a SPAZ in all of us.

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Peaceful Idiots By Andy Peth

6/10/2020

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I support the right to protest peacefully. Let every voice be heard.

But on Sunday, I saw a group of white protesters carrying signs like “Black Lives Matter,” “White Silence is Violence,” and “I Can’t Breathe!” At times laying down to re-enact George Floyd’s death, these engaged youths gushed wokeness—at the expense of the poor cops providing safety.

“These protesters,” I thought, “are the ones we’re supposed to admire. They aren’t rioting. They aren’t throwing bricks. They just want to raise awareness toward the plight of black Americans in what they feel is a terrible, unjust society. They want social justice. But there is one little problem…”

“…they are the dumbest people I’ve ever seen. I mean, I love all people of all races equally, but these ‘peaceful’ white kids are just…just…”

“…peaceful idiots.”

Why did I think this? Because anyone who maintains a belief by avoiding facts is an idiot—and that’s what these woke children (some are in their 40’s) do. Running from real statistics faster than Bigfoot flees cameras, these kids are a blur in the woods.

Entranced by the idiocy, I listened for a while, but could only take a few minutes of virtue-signaling from brats who hadn’t done anything virtuous. On the off chance they’d chase it, I tossed a stick into traffic. It worked. I took out five. One protester rushed shouting at a terrified woman, so I had to sedate him with a tranquilizer gun I kept hitting him with.

Hey, those darts are expensive.

One girl was carrying a sign that read, “Justice for George!” I asked what justice would look like, and she screamed, “Death to all cops! And diversity training for the white ones!”

I asked two white cops if that upset them, and they said, “Not if the death part comes first.”

I lied and told the peaceful idiots, “I’m a Nazi. Yes, a literal Nazi.” So, they threw on masks out of fear I’d give them COVID. I’m still wrapping my head around that one... To lighten the mood, I tried getting the peaceful idiots to do the wave, but they all kept standing at the same time. I…I just couldn’t teach them. One guy tried to start a slow clap. Jeez, they were so lost.

I asked why they aligned themselves with violent rioters. After all, thanks to people on their side, businesses were boarded up in fear.

“We’re against violence!” they shouted. “This is a peaceful protest! They only do violence because Trump provokes them with his tweets!”

“Wait, you think the rioters spend their time…reading tweets?”

“Trump divides us all! He incites violence! It’s all because of him!”

“You think rioters are more influenced by a President they don’t listen to...than to you justifying their rage?”

This of course sounded too much like reason, so the protesters recoiled like vampires from sunlight. “Aaauugh! It burns!” they screeched. “Stop the burning! We must be like the ocean! Quick everyone, do a wave!”

(They all hopped)

“We’re protesting to show everyone George Floyd was murdered!”

“But everyone agrees with that.”

“Yeah! They sure do!”

“So you’re protesting something—"

“Yeah!"

“—where everyone already—"

“Oh yeah!"

“—agrees with you.”

“Yeah!”

“That’s like demanding statehood…for Iowa.”

(silence)

“You have no idea where that is, do you?”

“There is no Iowa! There is no statehood! You made it up! You lie like the Orange Man!”

Some more cops approached, bringing cappuccinos to their beleaguered comrades who had spent hours watching this mess. Shift change. Seeing them walk up, drinks in hand, the peaceful idiots panicked. One shouted out.

“Everyone lay down! Their horses won’t trample us if we lay down! I saw it on ‘Gandhi!’”

I couldn’t take this. “You realize these cops drive SUV’s, right?”

“We can’t breathe! We can’t breathe!”

"Try inhaling."

"What?!"

“George Floyd couldn't breathe because he was being tortured to death by a bad cop. You're just pampered brats wanting to act like you relate. Cut it out. Try inhaling.”

“You’re insensitive! You’re a monster like Drew Brees!”

“Monster? Drew Brees is a Saint—literally—and he called for everyone to work together while honoring a nation that lets us, you know, work together. For that, he was race-shamed by the NFL hate mob and forced to lie in a groveling apology—just so he could play the game he loves. Hasn’t he endured enough?”

Oops. Too much reason. Now they stopped retreating and became more aggressive. As their faces contorted, they began twitching and reaching out at me. One started gnawing on his sign. Pressing forward like zombies, they showed how peaceful idiots aren’t too peaceful when faced with honesty.

But hey, I was in an honest mood…

“Remember, you’re peaceful, right?” (They backed down) “So, you can peacefully listen to facts. You realize police kill more white people than black people, correct?”

“That’s because black people are only 13.4% of the population! Cops are more likely to kill black people! It’s systemic!”

Inwardly I winced, knowing these kids had never said “systemic” before a week ago. Many were still practicing their vowels. But I pressed on:

“Actually, when you factor in violent crime rates for each demographic, cops are more likely to kill white suspects than black ones. There is no institutional evidence of targeting black people. No systemic racism. Cops just interact with whoever commits crimes, and when people resist, force becomes necessary.”

“Those crime rates are because they target black communities!”

“No, they target crime communities—because, you know, cops fight…crimmmmme. Here are some real numbers, with real context: In the 5-year period from 2010-2014, white people comprised 62.7% of the population, and killed 980 black people.”

“Exactly! We’re murderers! We’re all guilty! Someone find a black person for us to bow to!”

(A couple black onlookers scurried off. One hid behind the cops.)

“Uh huh. Anyway, during that same time, black people comprised a mere 13% of the population, but that small group killed a staggering 2,181 white people.”

“Trump provoked them!”

“Obama was President.”

“Orange Man provoked them!”

“These numbers are from Obama’s FBI...okay? Anyway, when a group that much smaller kills that many more people, it amounts to the average black person being 973% more likely to kill a white person than the other way around—ABOUT 10 TIMES AS LIKELY.”

“You lie like the Orange Man! There is no Iowa!”

“Yeah!” yelled the slow clap guy. He then tried to start another slow clap. No takers.

I pressed on:

“In 2018, the Bureau of Justice recorded 607,725 Interracial Violent Incidents. 59,777 were white on black (9.84%), while 547,948 were black on white (90.16%). That’s a 9-1 ratio of interracial violence."

“You’re a racist! You think black people are more violent!”

“No, I think all people are the same. We all have rage. But if you spend decades telling any group its rage is justified—like you’re doing right now—you’ll unleash the worst elements of that group to be violent. They didn’t cause this. You did.”

“Aaauugh! It burns!”

(They hopped)

“We only want black people to protect themselves!”

“Protect themselves? Remember, the group committing 90% of Interracial Violence was far smaller, meaning the average black person wasn’t just 9 times as likely to commit violence against a white person, but about 40 times as likely. That’s a lot of protecting themselves.”

“It’s because cops patrol their neighborhoods more! Cops target black people, so they get higher numbers!”

“About 89% of black victims are black-on-black homicides. Is that because cops are targeting them?”

“You’re a racist! We’re peaceful!”

“Peaceful? You realize every group has violent members—”

“Cops are racists!”

“—and you’re telling one group’s members they’re literally hunted by cops and hated by white people—”

“Defund the cops!”

“—so that group’s violent members wind up assaulting the other group at 40 times the rate and killing at 10 times the rate—”

“You’re systemic! Stop being systemic!”

“—while you convince yourselves…you’re peaceful?”

“Orange Man bad!!!”

“Here’s what I think. I think activists like you have spent the past couple decades telling black people they’re being targeted by cops and attacked by white people. Drowning in that message, the black community has been influenced through urban schools, political rallies, media, sports, college campuses, comedy channels—everywhere dominated by your political party.”

(They were looking at me in dumbfounded silence. So, I continued)

“And meanwhile, your party has governed urban communities where virtually all the violence occurs. For decades, the black community has been almost solely influenced, educated, socialized, and governed by one party—your party. And now, you want to blame white people, cops, and some guy who sends tweets the rioters never read.”

“You lie!”

“In short, not only is your ‘peaceful protest’ wrong by all the numbers, it isn’t even peaceful. Instead, you excuse a group’s rage and then turn away. You light the fuse and run.”

“Lies!”

“You even blame a president whose only sin is treating black people exactly as he treats everyone else—no kid gloves, no pandering. Like with anyone else, Trump tells black people, ‘Quit whining, get to work and earn your way.’ Has it occurred to you that by treating them like everyone else, the Orange Man shows real respect when you don't?”

“You lie! Shame! Shame! Shame!”

“You want shame? After decades with your party, the black community is killing itself and others at alarming rates. But hey, they’ve held up better than I would. A few decades with your party excusing my rage, and I’d be a rabid dog! After all you've done to them, I think black people have been pretty restrained."

What happened next is best left unsaid, but I’m healing up just fine now. In the end, it’s easy to be “peaceful” when you program others to commit the violence. It’s easy to be “peaceful” when no one challenges you with facts. It’s especially easy to be “peaceful” when the cops you mock are the same ones guaranteeing your free speech.

But Black Lives Matters protesters—especially pampered white ones—aren’t “peaceful.” They’re just sheltered, both from reason and the consequences of their words. No, these raging lunatics kneeling and flopping face down in parks aren’t “peaceful” at all.

They’re just peaceful idiots.

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Bringing Back Movie Theatres By Andy Peth

5/28/2020

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It's time for theatres to start making money again. Real money. The kind of money that drives all levels of Hollywood excellence, while providing good entry-level jobs for theatre employees nationwide.

First, let's be realistic, 'kay? Cutting overall seating in half would allow politicians to virtue signal, but it would destroy theatres. Ticket prices would skyrocket. In a word, it would be ludicrous...JUST LUDICROUS. Let's get smarter people, not nuts.

I managed movie theatres for 7 years, so I hope you like my recommendations. These should raise safety and comfort a nervous public, all without devastating costs for theatres.

1. In stadium seating auditoriums, raise the screen a few feet, then put a short plexiglass shield (about a foot tall) on the barrier in front of each seating section. These rows are already about 6 feet apart, and the added shield would provide extra protection for the row below. Raising the screen would adapt to the new sightline.

2. Virtually all seating is pre-ordered now, so whenever a group purchases tickets, the system should automatically create an empty seat on each side (the aisle already is an empty seat). Then, create plexiglass shields that can sit on the empty seats or along the aisles--these would be about a yard high and wide, at the most. Now, every group is isolated, and the walkways are clear.

3. There are almost always lots of empty seats scattered throughout theatre buildings, but there's a problem: They're in the wrong places. Most empty seats are in auditoriums with one of three scenarios: Older films, major films that have run too long on too many screens, and "bombs"--those films falling well short of projections. So, how do we get more of those seats available for movies people still want to see?

First, understand that studios currently contract with theatre chains (like AMC) for each film, based on success projections. A major film will be placed on a large number of screens, declining to a lengthy run at each theatre--perhaps 6-8 weeks.

But if runs are shortened by, say, 25%, this would open more screens in each theatre--more screens, more seating availability for spacing seats. So the same films would be shown, but shortened runs would put blockbusters on, say, 4 screens instead of 3 (more prime seats!), but only for 4-6 weeks--while smaller films would still play in single auditoriums with enough seating. Thus, that big sales bang of early weeks would stay big.

Finally, the "bomb" issue must be adapted for COVID. Have you ever wondered why films that do poorly still wind up taking several screens for multiple weeks? It's all due to contracting between the studio and theatre chains (I won't bore you with details). So the theatres take a risk this film won't bomb, but rather will meet expectations.

That was okay before COVID, but now lost seats are devastating, both for the theatres and Hollywood. So a new "bomb rule" should go in effect: If a movie performs at less than, say, 70% of projections, screen numbers should drop more rapidly as a result--thus freeing up screens and seats for newer movies. In the age of COVID, this benefits theatres, studios, patrons--everyone. The "bomb rule" is a win-win.

4. Percentage take for studios would decline more quickly with shorter runs, while speeding the way to video-at-home releases.

Most movie-goers don't know the theatre isn't keeping the ticket price, but rather is paying about 70-90% of it to the studios in the first couple weeks. This is why theatres must charge a lot for food, as this is how they make their money--the tickets don't even pay the rent.

After the first week or two, the studio's take drops to, say, 50-60% (it all depends on the film). But with runs shortened by 25% to free up more screens for new releases or extended runs on blockbusters, the percentage take for the studios should drop a little quicker to help the theatres.

5. Between shows, seats should receive quick Lysol spraying (doesn't take much) while auditoriums air out. This would be quick--not nearly as time consuming as regular cleaning.

6. The doors should stay open to each theatre during shows, or sanitizer dispensers should be provided wherever a door handle is touched.

7. Finally, the concession stand should feature hand sanitizer dispensers around all candy displays, counters, and drink dispensers. It should be the movie-goers responsibility to keep sanitized, while the theatre should just maintain a reasonably clean environment--not a perfectly germ-free, bubble-wrapped utopia.

Now, let me comment on Universal Studios wanting to release more films directly at home because of big profits they got from "Trolls World Tour:" That situation won't happen again. Not only was there no kid's release competing with it, but Universal had something unprecedented--an entire national captive audience. Everyone was stuck at home. Moreover, all those stuck at home needed fresh viewing for the most impatient members of their families--kids. But that's not all: Due to COVID, families couldn't even come together and share the cost in large homes, THUS ASSURING ALL THE CAPTIVE AUDIENCES HAD TO PAY FULL PRICE AND WATCH SEPARATELY RATHER THAN SHARING COSTS. So much for neighborhood or extended family movie nights!

My point is that "Trolls World Tour" enjoyed a one-off situation that won't exist going forward. No competition, and a national captive audience that was even kept separated to prevent larger movie nights. Unheard of. That won't happen again, and Universal should understand that. Touting the big take of "Trolls World Tour" as a sign of things to come...is insane.

Back to opening theatres. These great businesses can come back with reasonable adjustments, but major adjustments will simply kill them. There is only so much space in a theatre. The lobby and concessions have places that are touched by many patrons. If Government tries to bubble-wrap the movie-going experience for a completely risk-free utopia, Government will destroy the movie-going experience. Period.

Let's work smart, not paranoid. Let's improve safety without expecting ridiculous mandates. While being grateful for rapidly falling COVID fatality rates, let's not throw all caution to the wind.

And above all, let's get back to the movies.

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The Arizona Debate by Andy Peth

3/10/2020

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MODERATOR: “Welcome to the Arizona Democrat Presidential Debate! Let me introduce our two remaining candidates, beginning with…with…wait a sec! Gentlemen, there’s no risk with only two of you on stage. You can take off the surgical masks.”

BERNIE: “But…I don’t know where he’s been!”

JOE: “Yeah! I don’t know where I’ve been!”

MODERATOR: “Even so, the masks aren’t necessary.”

JOE: “I’m wearing a mask?”

MODERATOR: “Sort of, Mr. Biden. It’s supposed to go over your mouth, not on your head.”

JOE: “Oh, I thought it was one of those…you know…those Jewish Beanie thingies.”

MODERATOR: “You mean a yarmulke?”

JOE: “A what?”

BERNIE: “Joe, quit pandering to the Jewish vote!”

JOE: “Who?”

MODERATOR: “Look, we can’t start the debate this way. Senator Sanders, please remove your mask.”

BERNIE: “Okay, okay, but it could take a while…(starts fumbling about)…the thing gets all tangled up.”

JOE: “Here Bernie, let me help you with that—”

BERNIE: “DON’T TOUCH ME!” (the mask is now on Bernie’s chin)

JOE: “I’m just trying to—”

BERNIE: (still fumbling) “One touch and I could catch it! I could catch…Corona Warming!”

MODERATOR: “Senator Sanders, I think you mean—”

BERNIE: (mask is twisted behind his neck) “I know what I mean! What are you, one of those Corona Warming deniers?”

MODERATOR: “No, I just—"

JOE: “Bernie’s right! Our Party doesn’t tolerate Corona Warming denial! Why, I’ll have you know there’s a 99% consensus on Corona Warming among scientists and bartenders everywhere!”

MODERATOR: “Mr. Biden, I don’t think—”

JOE: “There’s only a handful of deniers left, and they’re all on Mike Pence’s team! Just a bunch of hick pastors who wouldn’t know a bartender if they saw one!”

MODERATOR: “Joe—”

JOE: “You think they understand what we’re facing? C’mon, man! They don’t care that Corona Warming hits hardest among blacks, Hispanics, women, veterans, and every other group I’m targeting for votes!”

MODERATOR: “Joe—”

JOE: “They’re a bunch of round-earthers, I tell you!”

MODERATOR: “Joe! We need to move on.”

JOE: “C’mon, Bernie, back me up here! You know I’m right!”

(Bernie’s on the ground, his hands tangled behind his back)

BERNIE: “Help…”

MODERATOR: “Okay, let’s begin by hearing each candidate’s opening statement. While our team assists Senator Sanders, Joe Biden will lead off.”

JOE: “Thank you, sir.”

MODERATOR: “I’m a woman, actually.”

JOE: “Oh gosh, I’m sorry! Guess it’s hard to tell these days! And I want you to know, I totally support your lifestyle!”

MODERATOR: “I’m straight.”

JOE: “So am I! Ol’ Straight-Shootin’ Joe, that’s what they call me! And don’t you worry, I got Mayor Pete’s endorsement, so there’s a place for your kind in my America!”

MODERATOR: “No, I mean I’m—”

JOE: “In my America, I don’t care what you do behind closed doors as long as I don’t have to watch! That’s right! Mine is a loving America, where poor kids are just as talented as white kids!”

MODERATOR: “Joe, would you like to make a statement?”

JOE: “Sure!”

(awkward silence)

MODERATOR: “Go ahead, Joe.”

JOE: “Right now? Oh, okay, let me start by saying, if elected to the Senate, I will appoint the first black female Vice Senator in American history!”

MODERATOR: “Joe, you’re not running for—”

JOE: “Cuz I’ve always been a trailblazer, like when I was fighting Nazi’s during the Ming Dynasty!”

MODERATOR: “Joe—”

BERNIE: “Hey, why is Joe doing all the talking! I demand equal time! By my count, Joe’s a couple hours ahead so far!”

MODERATOR: “We’ve been here 6 minutes.”

BERNIE: “Oh, sorry. I fell asleep on the floor over there…”

MODERATOR: “Senator Sanders, would you like to make an opening statement?”

BERNIE: “Absolutely!”

(awkward silence)

MODERATOR: “Go ahead, Bernie.”

BERNIE: “Right now? Okay, okay, I just want to say, I have the support of every Cuban that Castro didn’t kill!”

MODERATOR: “Great. Thanks, Bernie—”

BERNIE: “All five of them!”

MODERATOR: “Great. Anything else?”

BERNIE: “I don’t know, is there anything else?”

MODERATOR: “I asked you.”

BERNIE: “Oh…………………..then no.”

MODERATOR: “Fine. My next question is for Joe Biden. Mr. Biden, you’ve accumulated a large number of endorsements since your win in South Carolina. How have you managed to gather support?”

JOE: “Well, for starters, I’m going to have at least a dozen Vice Presidents.”

MODERATOR: “Joe, I don’t think you can—”

JOE: “Don’t tell me what I can do! I took down that Ukrainian prosecutor, and I can take you down, too! C’mon, man—”

MODERATOR: “—woman—”

JOE: “—c’mon fella—”

MODERATOR: “—woman—”

JOE: “—c’mon…whatever! Man, woman, we’re all created equal by…by…you know, the thing!...with illegal alienable rights!”

MODERATOR: “What?”

JOE: “Point is, I can do anything! I mean, just look at my son! Hunter has no discernible talents, right? Heck, sometimes his mother and I put a pail on his head, just to watch him walk into stuff! The hours fly by in our home… But now—now Hunter is rich! It’s like when Barack won a Nobel Peace Prize! I tell you, when we Democrats have power, anything’s possible!”

MODERATOR: “Um…okay...”

BERNIE: “Hey! Hey! Joe’s not the only one with endorsements! I got endorsements!”

MODERATOR: “Go ahead, Senator Sanders. Who endorsed you?”

BERNIE: “I’m proud to say I was just endorsed by Jesse Jackson!”

MODERATOR: “Will he be your Vice President?”

BERNIE: “Are you kidding? He’s crazy!”

MODERATOR: “Moving along, let’s discuss gun violence. Senator Sanders, how would you address the problem of gun violence in America?”

BERNIE: “Well, for starters, I’d make sure guns are only in the hands of people we can trust—the government!”

MODERATOR: “You’ll disarm everyone but the government?”

BERNIE: “It works in Cuba!”

MODERATOR: “Bernie, that’s not a good—"

BERNIE: “Did you know everyone there learns to read before they’re executed?”

MODERATOR: “Bernie—”

BERNIE: “Cuba’s misunderstood, I tell ya!”

MODERATOR: “You mean, like Palestine?”

BERNIE: “Exactly! The Palestinians only want peace with Florida! But—”

MODERATOR: “Florida?”

BERNIE: “—but there’s too many damn Jews there!”

MODERATOR: “Florida?”

BERNIE: “If we disarm all the damn Jews and give Florida to the Palestinians, there will be peace!”

JOE: “Over my dead body will you take Florida from people wearing Beanie thingies! I wear this out of respect! All my Vice Presidents will wear them out of respect!”

MODERATOR: “Joe, will you please take that mask off your head?! Look, we’re getting off track!”

JOE: “That’s right! We’re getting off track here! We have to stop the gun violence! Why, there have been 150 million gun deaths in America since 2007!”

MODERATOR: “Joe, there are fewer than 350 million Americans.”

JOE: “Well sure, now!”

BERNIE: “Excuse me! I think it’s my turn!”

MODERATOR: “Senator Sanders, do you have a comment?”

BERNIE: “I sure do!”

(awkward silence)

MODERATOR: “Go ahead, Bernie.”

BERNIE: “What?”

(more awkward silence)

JOE: “And furthermore, I’m appointing Beto O’Roarke as my new GGZ! That’s ‘Gun-Grabbing Czar!’”

MODERATOR: “Actually, ‘Czar’ starts with—"

JOE: “As my new GGZ, Beto is coming for your guns! That’s right, you backwoods NRA hicks! Your guns! J-O-B-S…GUNS!”

MODERATOR: “Okay, that’s it! That’s enough! Good Lord, after all these months with all the young, diverse candidates, we’re left listening to two old white men with weapons-grade dementia! I can’t take this anymore!”

BERNIE: “I’d like to make a statement.”

MODERATOR: “No!”

BERNIE: “I knew I’d get shut down! This whole thing is rigged!”

JOE: “It is? Does that mean I win?”

MODERATOR: “Sure. Why not. It’s rigged and you win.”

JOE: “God bless democracy! Beanie thingies for everyone!”

THE END.

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The Coming Red Wave By Andy Peth

2/26/2020

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Let me be the first to say this to my fellow Republicans: If we can’t win this year, then we can’t win…ever. Not since the '80's have I seen the stars so aligned, at least not for our side. 2020 is shaping up to be a massive red wave.

MASSIVE.

Remember 2018? A perfect blue storm, 2018 became just as the signs said it would—a year when Democrats couldn’t lose. It was inevitable. Sweeping all contested districts, this blue wave showed no mercy, regardless of strategies used by GOP leaders. Whatever we tried, we were going to get killed.

Some GOP leaders emphasized ground game—more walking neighborhoods, more calls, more yard signs, more sign-waving, more, more, more--and they got killed.
Others emphasized ads and online marketing--and got killed.
Some candidates distanced themselves from Trump--and got killed.
Others embraced Trump—and unless they were in highly protected districts, they got killed.
Some candidates and leaders played to the base--and got killed.
Others moderated--and got killed.

In the aftermath, Republicans blamed each other, but it was like blaming people for getting wet in a hurricane. There was no point. 2018 was exactly what it was predicted to be—a midterm pummeling, made worse by numerous, unresolved concerns surrounding our President.

Those concerns are gone now. Way gone. I can’t even count the disadvantages then which are advantages now, but here are a few:

The Economy - Then: Trump’s economic plan was in its infancy. Now: We’re booming.

Russian Collusion - Then: A major concern. Now: A national joke. Mueller’s meltdown on Capitol Hill was one for the ages.

Impeachment - Then: Gaining steam, with many Americans wondering how Trump could stay in office. Now: Totally derailed, being grossly unfair from the start. Americans greeted it with laughter, yawns, and disgust.

Deep State - Then: Held in high regard, with operatives commanding intel agencies casting deep doubts on Trump. Now: The Durham Report will unveil spying, lying, and subterfuge by those intel “leaders.” It’s our turn, baby.

ISIS - Then: Still a big concern. Now: ISIS is gone, having lost all its territory.

Trade Deals - Then: Deemed the impossible dreams of a rookie President. Now: Massive Pro-USA deals with Mexico, Canada, China, and Japan…are actually happening.

Trump’s Approval - Then: Two years ago, Gallop had Trump’s approval rating about 20% below his disapproval rating. Now: Approval and disapproval are within a few points either way.

Guys, we’re on a roll, and I haven’t even mentioned the best part: Bernie Sanders. Allow me some time to address Democrats, okay?

Dems, you’re on your way to running a Socialist candidate during a Capitalist boom. Did you hear me? YOU’RE CLOSE TO RUNNING A SOCIALIST DURING A CAPITALIST BOOM. That’s like telling people of Pennsylvania—whose economy has been rescued by fracking—that you’re going to ban fracking!

Oh, wait, Bernie’s saying that, too…

Let me be the first to provide official RNC comment: BWAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

My goodness, Bernie doesn’t even roll out the lie of this being Obama’s economy…because Bernie wants us to believe we’re unhappy! HE ACTUALLY WANTS US TO BELIEVE WE’RE UNHAPPY! And then there are Bernie’s supporters…OMG. These halfwit thugs are notoriously enraged Unabomber types—the kind who even make Greta Thunberg avoid eye contact and slink to the other side of the elevator.

My goodness, imagine having a Bernie Bro at your door:

Bro: “Hey there, Mr. or Mrs. Home Owner dude! Do you feel guilty for owning property? Of course you do! Wouldn’t you rather pay higher taxes so undocumented immigrants can get free healthcare? And free college? All from a government that disarms you and takes away private health plans? Well hey, who wouldn’t want that! Here, just take this flyer, titled, ‘We’ll be like Denmark, not Cuba or Venezuela!’ It’ll walk you through everything I can’t, ‘cuz like, I’m pretty stoned right now!”

“What? Why do I like The Bern? ‘Cuz my college advisor told me I finally got a degree in something I guess, and if you don’t pay for it, I gotta get a job! Vicious cycle, man, vicious cycle…say, before I go, can I bum a few bucks for a ride home?”

Of course, these types are preferable to Bernie supporters who just protest everything while screaming in piercing tones—tones only heard by dogs and CNN analysts.

I exaggerate, but do you expect Bernie’s groupies to persuade anyone outside their base? Really?

Trump voters, no matter how unfairly stigmatized as conspiracy buff hayseeds, are normals. By opposing late-term abortions, gun confiscation, open borders, and unfair trade deals, Trump voters hold popular positions. You don’t like illegal immigrants getting free stuff? Neither do Trump voters. You don’t want to ban fracking after it’s made us energy independent? Neither do Trump voters. You don’t want biological boys in girls’ locker rooms? For goodness’ sake, you’re a Trump voter!

Never before have Democrats completely given us the middle, and I guess we can thank AOC and her backup trio, The Tourettes. They’ve wreaked havoc. Openly despising anything American, AOC’s Democrats are the Party of Marxism, trans-bathrooms, infanticide, disarming the innocent, protecting the guilty, antisemitism, climate radicalism, and labeling every dissenting voice as “racist.”

Just look at the loons cheering for Bernie—do you see any normals in that crowd? Any? Bernie’s insaniacs irritate voters right into our arms, and we aren’t even campaigning yet! My goodness, everything was already breaking our way with the economy, trade deals, acquittal, more acquittal, terrorists exploding, etc.—and things were only looking better with a looming Durham Report. But now Democrats are on the brink of ‘Berning” every bridge between them and the real world!

2018 was a Blue Wave, but 2020 is shaping into a bigger Red Wave. This is it, my friends. This is the one we’ve been waiting for—the Big Kahuna. Grab your surfboard. Ride the wave while Democrat candidates drown beneath you. Oh, and remember to practice your evil laugh.

I certainly will.

Just don’t get complacent, okay? Work hard, play like you’re losing, and win every voter you can. There’s too much at stake. Roar with confidence, but don't stumble with overconfidence, for you can't ride a wave from your couch. Get in action! Donate, win a friend (or three), volunteer, unite, enjoy the success with campaigns you've helped...ride that wave!

And meanwhile, practice your evil laugh discreetly—at home alone, in a dark room, with a mirror and one small light casting an eerie glow on your face.

I certainly will.

But I’ll say it once more, without hesitation: If we can’t win this year, then we can’t win…ever.

It seems there’s no stopping The Coming Red Wave.

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I Love It When Trump Doesn’t Act Like Me By Andy Peth

2/11/2020

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Trump shocked everyone at the National Prayer Breakfast.

Sure, we knew what had transpired. Impeachment. Acquittal. Betrayal ala Mitt, with a side of religious posturing at its most sickening. And of course, there was Nancy’s infamous tearing of the speech.

A full-fledged coup had failed, and it hadn’t even started with those brazenly one-sided House hearings. Sparked by deep state holdovers, this coup was hatched before Trump ever took office. You know the names: Strzok, Page, Comey, Brennan, Vindman, Sondland—too many to list—all plotting with an even wider group of deep state operatives toward one goal:

Destroy Donald Trump.

Poised to pounce, these soulless creatures circled like demons in a lake of fire. They’d find something, anything, or just make it up. Trump had been down that road (fake dossier, anyone?), but this had gotten worse. Much worse. This was countless people on whom Trump depended, whispering in hallways and meeting at restaurants—while acting respectful to his face.

And it was all aided by those three big influencers of public thought—the media, academia, and the entertainment industry. Over three years, wherever Trump turned, the nation’s most powerful voices told all Americans he deserved this. Trump deserved to be spied upon—in fact, it wasn’t even spying, right? It was just surveilling him without his knowledge. Trump deserved House hearings where the chief prosecutor was also the judge, with 17 witnesses offered against him while none were allowed in his favor. Hey, that’s perfectly normal! In fact, Trump deserved anything ever done to him, as everyone from children to the elderly were programmed with one message: There’s no bad way to take down a dictator.

This was evil. Pure, absolute, and incredibly powerful…evil.

And now, having survived the conspiracy, Trump stood up at a prayer breakfast. Nancy Pelosi was there—perhaps tearing tickets. There were religious leaders, government officials, and of course, the all-seeing media. The stage was set.

Trump held nothing back. Tapping all his frustration—all his pain—Trump let it out at the “wrong” time. He gushed about the horrors of what his family endured. He called out tormenters for doing what they knew was wrong. He even humiliated Mitt and Nancy for hiding wicked actions behind religious rhetoric. Pelosi claims she prays for Trump. He boldly said she doesn’t.

(By the way, Nancy, telling God to make Trump act more like you want him to…isn’t praying for Trump. It’s praying at him. Just an FYI…)

Anyway, Trump’s speech was wholly undignified. It was bad politics. It was the opposite of everything I would do in his shoes. And I loved every minute of it.

No, Trump didn’t do what I’d do. Were I in his shoes, I’d show what many cowards call, “class.” I’d downplay rivalries. Oozing unity, I’d score political points. I’d show no pain, no pettiness, and no anger. I’d be..sigh…presidential.

And I would hate it.

Because let’s be honest here. Most of us have dealt with “deep state operatives,” whether at jobs, in our families, at school, in politics, or yes, even in churches. We know the betrayal. We’ve felt the pain. And while we generally hold our tongues to keep safe, we wish we could do…exactly what Trump did. Yes, publicly. Angrily. In the wrong settings, at the wrong times, and with no restraint whatsoever.

Because really, that’s what these monsters deserve. They deserve the shocking public treatment Jesus gave Pharisees, not the frightened restraint we use to survive. They deserve people standing up at meetings and calling out their corruption. They deserve to feel the pain they cause others.

They deserve this. But they never get it. Not until now.

In a way, Trump spoke for all of us at that prayer breakfast. Have you fallen victim to plotting and scheming? Then Trump spoke for you. Have you been betrayed? Then Trump spoke for you. Have you felt helpless, hopeless, overrun by backroom maneuvers, and damaged by influential liars? Then my friend, Trump most certainly spoke for you.

Trump lost some votes at the National Prayer Breakfast. He was emotional. Hurt. Blunt. Unpresidential. Part of me winced at his self-inflicted setback, thinking, “No! Don’t give back the big gains you’ve made over the past week!”

But a larger part of me celebrated, for Trump didn’t just get things off his chest. He got things off all our chests. Trump wasn’t just saying “You shouldn’t treat me this way.” He was saying, “No one should treat anyone this way!” As monsters heard Trump’s words, his message was crystal clear. Let me paraphrase:

“Ruthless people should never be safe. You don’t like being called out at a prayer breakfast? Well, here’s a novel idea: DON’T HURT PEOPLE YOU’LL SEE AT PRAYER BREAKFASTS!”

Nope, I wouldn’t have done what Trump did. Not in a million years. I’m too presidential to be a good president.

But thankfully, Trump is too good a president to be presidential. Allowing no safe spaces for evildoers, he’ll even disrupt a prayer breakfast. So leave your dignity at the door, ‘kay? Look around you. Terrorists are finally dying. Rival nations are finally negotiating. And like monsters abroad, America’s deep state conspirators are finally realizing there’s nowhere to hide. Not at a prayer breakfast. Not anywhere. The cloak of dignity is removed, because this guy doesn’t care how he sounds. If you conspire to hurt others, Trump just wants to expose you. A lot.

No, Trump doesn’t act like me, and I love it.

Bravo, Mr. President.

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