This week, many will struggle with the choice between seeing “Barbie” or “Oppenheimer.” But what if we could watch both at once? Just imagine…
(We find our hero testifying before Congress. Displaying magnificent curves, she wears a form-fitting lab coat, and sexy glasses she doesn’t need)
SENATOR: (while shuffling some papers) “Now, Miss Barbie-Heimer—excuse me, should we call you Barbie? Or, Miss Heimer?”
BARBIE-HEIMER: “No. Barbie-Heimer is my last name.”
SENATOR: “So, what is your first—”
BARBIE-HEIMER: “It’s hyphenated, like all the math I do with minuses!”
SENATOR: “I see. So, what is—”
BARBIE-HEIMER: “—says so right on the box I came in—”
SENATOR: “Yes, I see that. Anyway—”
BARBIE-HEIMER: “—and it’s like, sooooo disrespectful of you to not call me by my proper, hyphenated name on a box that I came in once!
SENATOR: “My apologies, won’t happen again. So, what is your first name?”
BARBIE-HEIMER: “Haven’t a clue.”
SENATOR: “Okay, Miss Barbie-Heimer—”
BARBIE-HEIMER: “That’s Doctor. Doctor Barbie-Heimer. I am a Scienteest! That’s French for scientist, you know! Maybe you’ve seen my Dream Lab! We also do vaccines! Want one?”
SENATOR: “I'm fine, thanks. Dr. Barbie-Heimer, who is the associate with you today?
KEN: “I’m Ken!”
SENATOR: “Is that your first name or last?”
KEN: “It’s my first name! (flips his hair) Ken! Just say it happy, and you will be! Ken! Ken! Ken!”
BARBIE-HEIMER: “You tell ‘em, Sweetie!”
KEN: “Eeee!!”
SENATOR: “Alright, Ken. And your last name is?”
KEN: “Haven’t a clue.”
SENATOR: “Dr. Barbie-Heimer, I’d like to discuss this bomb you’ve created.”
BARBIE-HEIMER: “Oh, you mean the big one? That was, like, sooooo hard to make, right Ken?”
KEN: “Sure was, Sweetie! You used lots of hyphens! And you looked perfect in that lab coat the whole time! You had that sexy teacher look!”
BARBIE-HEIMER: “Eeee!!”
SENATOR: “Anyway, our military could use such firepower in the war.”
BARBIE-HEIMER: “Sure thing, General!”
SENATOR: “Senator.”
BARBIE-HEIMER: “Sure thing, Senator General! Is Senator your first name, or do you like hyphens, too?”
KEN: “You know, I think it’s sooooo awesome that you’re a General! Dr. Barbie-Heimer and I, like, totally support our veterans!”
SENATOR: “I’m not—”
KEN: “We even have a Veteran Barbie! She’s part of a militia, and mutters to herself in public! For a little extra, you can buy her Dream Compound—”
SENATOR: “Those are stereotypes, Ken.”
KEN: “—it has razer wire, arsenal, dried food storage—”
SENATOR: “Veterans won’t like that, Ken.”
KEN: “Are you sure?”
SENATOR: “Even the peaceful ones may shoot you.”
KEN: “Speaking of shooting, I almost enlisted with GI Joe, until I saw those helmets. I was like, omigod, not on this hair!”
SENATOR: “Ken, your hair barely moves. It’s like a shell.”
KEN: “You think so?”
SENATOR: “You’re almost an Osmond.”
KEN: “A what?”
SENATOR: “Ken, how close did you come to enlisting?”
KEN: “General, I remember—”
SENATOR: “—Senator—”
KEN: “—Senator General, I remember going before that draft board, and I was, like, soooo nervous!”
SENATOR: “Ken, there’s no draft for GI Joe—”
KEN: “But I gathered all my courage, and told myself, ‘Ken, strut your stuff!’”
SENATOR: “That wasn’t a draft board, Ken.”
KEN: “—so I pushed back my shoulders, and I went like this…catwalk, catwalk, catwalk…turn…catwalk, catwalk, catwalk…turn…and then I bent down, looked them in the eyes, and gave them one of these (he touches his tush) Sssssssss!”
BARBIE-HEIMER: “No. Barbie-Heimer is my last name.”
SENATOR: “So, what is your first—”
BARBIE-HEIMER: “It’s hyphenated, like all the math I do with minuses!”
SENATOR: “I see. So, what is—”
BARBIE-HEIMER: “—says so right on the box I came in—”
SENATOR: “Yes, I see that. Anyway—”
BARBIE-HEIMER: “—and it’s like, sooooo disrespectful of you to not call me by my proper, hyphenated name on a box that I came in once!
SENATOR: “My apologies, won’t happen again. So, what is your first name?”
BARBIE-HEIMER: “Haven’t a clue.”
SENATOR: “Okay, Miss Barbie-Heimer—”
BARBIE-HEIMER: “That’s Doctor. Doctor Barbie-Heimer. I am a Scienteest! That’s French for scientist, you know! Maybe you’ve seen my Dream Lab! We also do vaccines! Want one?”
SENATOR: “I'm fine, thanks. Dr. Barbie-Heimer, who is the associate with you today?
KEN: “I’m Ken!”
SENATOR: “Is that your first name or last?”
KEN: “It’s my first name! (flips his hair) Ken! Just say it happy, and you will be! Ken! Ken! Ken!”
BARBIE-HEIMER: “You tell ‘em, Sweetie!”
KEN: “Eeee!!”
SENATOR: “Alright, Ken. And your last name is?”
KEN: “Haven’t a clue.”
SENATOR: “Dr. Barbie-Heimer, I’d like to discuss this bomb you’ve created.”
BARBIE-HEIMER: “Oh, you mean the big one? That was, like, sooooo hard to make, right Ken?”
KEN: “Sure was, Sweetie! You used lots of hyphens! And you looked perfect in that lab coat the whole time! You had that sexy teacher look!”
BARBIE-HEIMER: “Eeee!!”
SENATOR: “Anyway, our military could use such firepower in the war.”
BARBIE-HEIMER: “Sure thing, General!”
SENATOR: “Senator.”
BARBIE-HEIMER: “Sure thing, Senator General! Is Senator your first name, or do you like hyphens, too?”
KEN: “You know, I think it’s sooooo awesome that you’re a General! Dr. Barbie-Heimer and I, like, totally support our veterans!”
SENATOR: “I’m not—”
KEN: “We even have a Veteran Barbie! She’s part of a militia, and mutters to herself in public! For a little extra, you can buy her Dream Compound—”
SENATOR: “Those are stereotypes, Ken.”
KEN: “—it has razer wire, arsenal, dried food storage—”
SENATOR: “Veterans won’t like that, Ken.”
KEN: “Are you sure?”
SENATOR: “Even the peaceful ones may shoot you.”
KEN: “Speaking of shooting, I almost enlisted with GI Joe, until I saw those helmets. I was like, omigod, not on this hair!”
SENATOR: “Ken, your hair barely moves. It’s like a shell.”
KEN: “You think so?”
SENATOR: “You’re almost an Osmond.”
KEN: “A what?”
SENATOR: “Ken, how close did you come to enlisting?”
KEN: “General, I remember—”
SENATOR: “—Senator—”
KEN: “—Senator General, I remember going before that draft board, and I was, like, soooo nervous!”
SENATOR: “Ken, there’s no draft for GI Joe—”
KEN: “But I gathered all my courage, and told myself, ‘Ken, strut your stuff!’”
SENATOR: “That wasn’t a draft board, Ken.”
KEN: “—so I pushed back my shoulders, and I went like this…catwalk, catwalk, catwalk…turn…catwalk, catwalk, catwalk…turn…and then I bent down, looked them in the eyes, and gave them one of these (he touches his tush) Sssssssss!”
(long silence)
SENATOR: “Why are you here?”
BARBIE-HEIMER: “So Senator General, who are we bombing?”
SENATOR: “Well, probably the Germans. Maybe Japan—they suck, too.”
BARBIE-HEIMER: “Okay, well, make sure you aim real good. I had a little trouble with my testing. God, I miss Malibu…or I wish I did…”
SENATOR: “Wait, you bombed Malibu?”
BARBIE-HEIMER: “It’s not my fault! I was nervous! They said we were all gonna count to 10, which I’m really, really good at, by the way—but then they started at 10! And I’m like, who does that? It’s cheating, you know? I mean, I could count to any number—even the really, really high ones—if you let me start there!”
SENATOR: “It’s called a countdown, Dr. Barbie-Heimer.”
BARBIE-HEIMER: “So, there I was, all ready to bomb this fake town full of dummies and mannequins that I went to school with, and I’m like, I can’t bomb my friends! They won't like that!"
SENATOR: "Dr. Barbie—”
BARBIE-HEIMER: ”But everyone was counting the wrong way…which confused me…and the only other place I could think of was Malibu…where I make bombs and vaccines…in my Dream Lab…that’s sold separately…so I panicked and—”
SENATOR: “And you bombed Malibu?”
BARBIE-HEIMER: “Well, only once! God! Judge not, like it says in the Bill of Constitution!”
SENATOR: “You nuked Malibu, but only once?”
BARBIE-HEIMER: “Okay, okay, twice! The first time, I forgot to include the batteries, okay? It just landed on a beach and squashed a Kardashian! Not sure which one.”
KEN: “Yeah, we’re waiting on the dental records.”
BARBIE-HEIMER: “That’s right, Sweetie! They say dental records can tell you sooooo much about a person, like who you just bombed.”
KEN: “Wow, Sweetie! I wanna read my dental records!”
BARBIE-HEIMER: “Me, too! Let’s go in for a reading together!”
TOGETHER: “Eeee!!”
SENATOR: “Dr. Barbie-Heimer, the bomb…”
BARBIE-HEIMER: “Anyway, the second bomb worked way better, because I included batteries an’ stuff.”
SENATOR: “And how much of Malibu was lost?”
BARBIE-HEIMER: “Oh, all of it, I guess. God! I come to meet you people at this hearing, but I didn’t think I’d get the 3rd debris! God!”
SENATOR: “Debris?”
BARBIE-HEIMER: “That’s French for—”
SENATOR: “Dr. Barbie-Heimer, we’re just trying to assess the bomb’s capabilities. You’ve created a weapon of mass destruction, after all.”
BARBIE-HEIMER: “Ken! He just called me massive!”
SENATOR: “What? No, I—"
KEN: “Youuuuuuu bastard! You’ve stolen her happy! Quick Sweetie, say my name!”
BARBIE-HEIMER: “Ken! Ken! Ken!”
KEN: “Better?”
BARBIE-HEIMER: “Better.”
KEN: “Mister Senator Hyphen General, I should just slap you!”
BARBIE-HEIMER: “No, Ken! We bomb, we don’t slap! Turn the other cheek, like it says in the Declaration of National Anthems!”
KEN: “Sweetie, let’s make like a tree, and bark!”
SENATOR: “Leave.”
BARBIE-HEIMER: “Fine then! We will!”
BARBIE-HEIMER: “So Senator General, who are we bombing?”
SENATOR: “Well, probably the Germans. Maybe Japan—they suck, too.”
BARBIE-HEIMER: “Okay, well, make sure you aim real good. I had a little trouble with my testing. God, I miss Malibu…or I wish I did…”
SENATOR: “Wait, you bombed Malibu?”
BARBIE-HEIMER: “It’s not my fault! I was nervous! They said we were all gonna count to 10, which I’m really, really good at, by the way—but then they started at 10! And I’m like, who does that? It’s cheating, you know? I mean, I could count to any number—even the really, really high ones—if you let me start there!”
SENATOR: “It’s called a countdown, Dr. Barbie-Heimer.”
BARBIE-HEIMER: “So, there I was, all ready to bomb this fake town full of dummies and mannequins that I went to school with, and I’m like, I can’t bomb my friends! They won't like that!"
SENATOR: "Dr. Barbie—”
BARBIE-HEIMER: ”But everyone was counting the wrong way…which confused me…and the only other place I could think of was Malibu…where I make bombs and vaccines…in my Dream Lab…that’s sold separately…so I panicked and—”
SENATOR: “And you bombed Malibu?”
BARBIE-HEIMER: “Well, only once! God! Judge not, like it says in the Bill of Constitution!”
SENATOR: “You nuked Malibu, but only once?”
BARBIE-HEIMER: “Okay, okay, twice! The first time, I forgot to include the batteries, okay? It just landed on a beach and squashed a Kardashian! Not sure which one.”
KEN: “Yeah, we’re waiting on the dental records.”
BARBIE-HEIMER: “That’s right, Sweetie! They say dental records can tell you sooooo much about a person, like who you just bombed.”
KEN: “Wow, Sweetie! I wanna read my dental records!”
BARBIE-HEIMER: “Me, too! Let’s go in for a reading together!”
TOGETHER: “Eeee!!”
SENATOR: “Dr. Barbie-Heimer, the bomb…”
BARBIE-HEIMER: “Anyway, the second bomb worked way better, because I included batteries an’ stuff.”
SENATOR: “And how much of Malibu was lost?”
BARBIE-HEIMER: “Oh, all of it, I guess. God! I come to meet you people at this hearing, but I didn’t think I’d get the 3rd debris! God!”
SENATOR: “Debris?”
BARBIE-HEIMER: “That’s French for—”
SENATOR: “Dr. Barbie-Heimer, we’re just trying to assess the bomb’s capabilities. You’ve created a weapon of mass destruction, after all.”
BARBIE-HEIMER: “Ken! He just called me massive!”
SENATOR: “What? No, I—"
KEN: “Youuuuuuu bastard! You’ve stolen her happy! Quick Sweetie, say my name!”
BARBIE-HEIMER: “Ken! Ken! Ken!”
KEN: “Better?”
BARBIE-HEIMER: “Better.”
KEN: “Mister Senator Hyphen General, I should just slap you!”
BARBIE-HEIMER: “No, Ken! We bomb, we don’t slap! Turn the other cheek, like it says in the Declaration of National Anthems!”
KEN: “Sweetie, let’s make like a tree, and bark!”
SENATOR: “Leave.”
BARBIE-HEIMER: “Fine then! We will!”
(Barbie-Heimer and Ken storm out, resulting in Germany and Japan developing atomic bombs first. Following attacks on Beverly Hills and Martha’s Vineyard, along with an earlier strike on Malibu, America surrenders.
“My fellow Americans,” declares the President, “we must accept their terms and cease all hostilities, before they hit a place that matters.”)
The End
“My fellow Americans,” declares the President, “we must accept their terms and cease all hostilities, before they hit a place that matters.”)
The End
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