HOST: “And welcome back to the 35th hour of our DNC Convention Telethon! Operators are standing by, so let’s get those phones ringing with donations and excitement for Joe Biden!”
(silence)
HOST: “Seems we have a bit of a lull, so let’s talk to one of our operators, Congresswoman Ayanna Pressley!”
AYANNA: (grabs the mic) “What’s the matter? Whitey don’t wanna give? (making airquotes with her hands) Do I not 'look’ the right way? Well? I asked you a question! Don’t look away when I’m talking to you! Do you see these silent phones? Well, silence is violence! Silence…is…violence! Maybe I should send some of my (airquotes) ‘staff’ over to kick your privileged little white—"
HOST: (grabs the mic) “Thank you, Congresswoman Pressley, for those inspirational words! The Democrat Party believes in the power of love through diversity! That is our message of healing for this great land!”
AYANNA: (in the background) “Kill Whitey!”
HOST: “That’s right! Go Joe Biden!”
AYANNA: “Who?”
HOST: “And speaking of Joe Biden, we now have a special guest. Ladies and gentlemen, our next President’s son, Hunter Biden!”
HUNTER: “I’m rich!”
HOST: “Yes, thanks to The Obama-Biden Recovery, America is still a place where we reach our dreams!”
HUNTER: “And so is Ukraine! And China! Oh man, I’ve never done a thing, and there’s money falling from the sky! Make it rain, baby! Make it rain!”
HOST: “Hunter, your story shows how anyone can make it in America with some honest, hard work, and a socially conscious attitude!”
HUNTER: “What?”
AYANNA: (in the background) “Kill Whitey!”
HOST: “Right! Go Joe Biden!”
HUNTER: “Who?”
HOST: “Your father, Hunter. Jooooooe Biden!”
HUNTER: “Oh, right! He makes it rain!”
HOST: “Thank you, Hunter Biden.”
HUNTER: “I’m getting paid for this, right?”
HOST: “And now, let’s hear from Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez!”
AOC: “Hi America! They only gave me a minute, so let me just say, EVERY COP IS GUILTY! But in the re-education camps I’m proposing, those storm troopers will learn the true meaning of pain—”
HOST: “Wow, time’s up! Thank you, Congresswoman Ocasio-Cortez.”
AOC: (in the background) “I endorse Bernie! We can still have Bernie!”
HOST: “And now, a word from our sponsors!”
AYANNA: (grabs the mic) “What’s the matter? Whitey don’t wanna give? (making airquotes with her hands) Do I not 'look’ the right way? Well? I asked you a question! Don’t look away when I’m talking to you! Do you see these silent phones? Well, silence is violence! Silence…is…violence! Maybe I should send some of my (airquotes) ‘staff’ over to kick your privileged little white—"
HOST: (grabs the mic) “Thank you, Congresswoman Pressley, for those inspirational words! The Democrat Party believes in the power of love through diversity! That is our message of healing for this great land!”
AYANNA: (in the background) “Kill Whitey!”
HOST: “That’s right! Go Joe Biden!”
AYANNA: “Who?”
HOST: “And speaking of Joe Biden, we now have a special guest. Ladies and gentlemen, our next President’s son, Hunter Biden!”
HUNTER: “I’m rich!”
HOST: “Yes, thanks to The Obama-Biden Recovery, America is still a place where we reach our dreams!”
HUNTER: “And so is Ukraine! And China! Oh man, I’ve never done a thing, and there’s money falling from the sky! Make it rain, baby! Make it rain!”
HOST: “Hunter, your story shows how anyone can make it in America with some honest, hard work, and a socially conscious attitude!”
HUNTER: “What?”
AYANNA: (in the background) “Kill Whitey!”
HOST: “Right! Go Joe Biden!”
HUNTER: “Who?”
HOST: “Your father, Hunter. Jooooooe Biden!”
HUNTER: “Oh, right! He makes it rain!”
HOST: “Thank you, Hunter Biden.”
HUNTER: “I’m getting paid for this, right?”
HOST: “And now, let’s hear from Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez!”
AOC: “Hi America! They only gave me a minute, so let me just say, EVERY COP IS GUILTY! But in the re-education camps I’m proposing, those storm troopers will learn the true meaning of pain—”
HOST: “Wow, time’s up! Thank you, Congresswoman Ocasio-Cortez.”
AOC: (in the background) “I endorse Bernie! We can still have Bernie!”
HOST: “And now, a word from our sponsors!”
(Footage of Portland riots)
HOST: “Welcome back to the DNC Convention Telethon! Ladies and gentlemen, hold on to your seats! It is my privilege to introduce the next Vice President of the United States, Kamala Harris!”
KAMALA: (actual quote) “This virus, it has no eyes…”
HOST: “I’m sorry, what?”
KAMALA: (actual quote) “This virus, it has no eyes, and yet it knows exactly how we see each other and how we treat each other.”
HOST: “Okay, then! Moving on—”
KAMALA: “So, why did I call Joe a racist?”
HOST: “I didn’t ask.”
KAMALA: (actual quote) “Hey, it was a debate! Hahahahaha! It was a debate! Hahahahaha! It was a debate! Hahahaha—”
HOST: “KAMALA!”
KAMALA: “Whoops…got stuck in a feedback loop! Don’t you hate that?”
KAMALA: (actual quote) “This virus, it has no eyes…”
HOST: “I’m sorry, what?”
KAMALA: (actual quote) “This virus, it has no eyes, and yet it knows exactly how we see each other and how we treat each other.”
HOST: “Okay, then! Moving on—”
KAMALA: “So, why did I call Joe a racist?”
HOST: “I didn’t ask.”
KAMALA: (actual quote) “Hey, it was a debate! Hahahahaha! It was a debate! Hahahahaha! It was a debate! Hahahaha—”
HOST: “KAMALA!”
KAMALA: “Whoops…got stuck in a feedback loop! Don’t you hate that?”
(She goes quiet, staring blankly ahead for several seconds. Then…)
KAMALA: “Hahahahaha!”
HOST: (nervous laugh) “Yeah…ha…ha…”
KAMALA: “It was just a debate, and I don’t mean anything I say in a debate! Don’t you see how that fixes everything I said about Joe?”
HOST: “Well—”
KAMALA: “Don’t you see me? The real me? Like a virus sees me?”
HOST: (nervous laugh) “Yeah…ha…ha…”
KAMALA: “It was just a debate, and I don’t mean anything I say in a debate! Don’t you see how that fixes everything I said about Joe?”
HOST: “Well—”
KAMALA: “Don’t you see me? The real me? Like a virus sees me?”
(silence)
HOST: “Kamala, you’ve said you smoked weed in school, right?”
KAMALA: “Sure did!”
HOST: “And you inhaled?”
KAMALA: “Sure did!”
HOST: “Did you ever exhale?”
KAMALA: “Sure did!”
HOST: “And you inhaled?”
KAMALA: “Sure did!”
HOST: “Did you ever exhale?”
(several seconds of silence)
KAMALA: “Hahahahaha!”
HOST: “Okay, then! I don’t know about you, folks, but I feel WOKE! And yet, there’s nothing more woke than a Conservative Republican seeing the light and joining our side. Please enjoy this taped message from former Ohio Governor, John Kasich.”
KASICH: “Hi, I’m John Kasich. Behind me, out here in this field, you can see a divided road. This signifies the two choices we have before us—choices that will decide our nation’s future. Further back, you’ll see some crop circles. The first is simply a circle, which signifies…round things. Next comes a series of elaborate symbols. Now, I’m not sure what they mean, but the aliens who reprogrammed me several years ago said if we learn to speak them, we’ll be spared from the great cleansing that is to come—”
HOST: “Wait, what was that?”
KASICH: “—and why am I removing my shirt? It’s to reveal the tattoos I received during the experiments. I was up there a long time, so this could take a while—"
HOST: “Cut the feed!
KASICH: “—and I will now protect our world with a ritual dance—"
HOST: “Here’s a word from our sponsors!”
KASICH: “Hi, I’m John Kasich. Behind me, out here in this field, you can see a divided road. This signifies the two choices we have before us—choices that will decide our nation’s future. Further back, you’ll see some crop circles. The first is simply a circle, which signifies…round things. Next comes a series of elaborate symbols. Now, I’m not sure what they mean, but the aliens who reprogrammed me several years ago said if we learn to speak them, we’ll be spared from the great cleansing that is to come—”
HOST: “Wait, what was that?”
KASICH: “—and why am I removing my shirt? It’s to reveal the tattoos I received during the experiments. I was up there a long time, so this could take a while—"
HOST: “Cut the feed!
KASICH: “—and I will now protect our world with a ritual dance—"
HOST: “Here’s a word from our sponsors!”
(Footage of Portland riots)
HOST: “Welcome back to The DNC Convention Telethon! And now we have…let’s see here…oh yes, now we have little Tammy Smith, who will be (reading slowly to get it right)…twirling her flaming batons of social justice…”
(A masked, angry looking white girl in a BLM shirt stomps on stage. She’s carrying two batons)
HOST: “And here goes Tammy, warming up with a few moves…now they’re lighting her batons…very exciting…wow, she can really twirl…don’t look away, folks, as I hear ‘Danger’ is Tammy’s middle…wait a minute, is the fire spreading?...just part of the show…NO WAIT! IT’S HER MASK! LITTLE TAMMY’S MASK IS ON FIRE!”
“Omigosh, the medics have rushed on stage! Tammy’s screaming, 'Back off, pigs!’ Now they’re making her drop and roll in a blanket! NO, NO, NOT WITH THE BATONS! THROW AWAY THE BATONS!”
“NOW THE BLANKET’S ON FIRE! THIS IS HORRIBLE! THIS IS—what? Go to break? Okay, let’s go to break! And now, a word from our sponsors!”
“Omigosh, the medics have rushed on stage! Tammy’s screaming, 'Back off, pigs!’ Now they’re making her drop and roll in a blanket! NO, NO, NOT WITH THE BATONS! THROW AWAY THE BATONS!”
“NOW THE BLANKET’S ON FIRE! THIS IS HORRIBLE! THIS IS—what? Go to break? Okay, let’s go to break! And now, a word from our sponsors!”
(Footage of Portland riots)
HOST: “Welcome back to the DNC Convention Telethon! And now, the moment we’ve all been waiting for, here’s your next President of—”
BIDEN: “—is this on?”
HOST: “Yes, we hear you, Joe!”
BIDEN: “Is this loud enough? I want people to hear this. I’ve got a script someone wrote.”
HOST: “That’s good, Joe—”
BIDEN: “Not sure who wrote it. Think it was one of my sponsors—”
BIDEN: “—is this on?”
HOST: “Yes, we hear you, Joe!”
BIDEN: “Is this loud enough? I want people to hear this. I’ve got a script someone wrote.”
HOST: “That’s good, Joe—”
BIDEN: “Not sure who wrote it. Think it was one of my sponsors—”
(Footage of Portland riots)
HOST: “Not yet! Not yet! “
BIDEN: “Okay, I can wait—”
HOST: “No, not you, Joe!”
BIDEN: “Not me? Did I already go? How did I do?”
HOST: “Just technical difficulties, Joe! A problem with our sponsors—"
BIDEN: “Okay, I can wait—”
HOST: “No, not you, Joe!”
BIDEN: “Not me? Did I already go? How did I do?”
HOST: “Just technical difficulties, Joe! A problem with our sponsors—"
(Footage of Portland riots)
HOST: “Stop that!”
BIDEN: “Okay.”
HOST: “No! Wait! It’s your turn, Joe! (regaining composure) I see you’re speaking from your home. Again.”
BIDEN: “I sure am! I like it here. Real peaceful. Nice men feed me through a slot in the door.”
HOST: “That’s…um…”
BIDEN: “Today was Salisbury Steak day!”
HOST: “Joe—”
BIDEN: “Did Hunter speak yet?”
HOST: “Yes, Joe—”
BIDEN: “He’s rich, you know! And if I’m made President, I’ll do that for every American! I’ll threaten countries with foreign aid cuts until they give every American a cushy job sitting on some board in Ukraine!"
HOST: “Joe—”
BIDEN: (looking at camera) “Or my name ain’t Joe Biden!”
HOST: “Joe—”
BIDEN: “And I’m pretty sure it is!”
HOST: “Joe!”
BIDEN: “Did you see me on stage with Kamala?”
HOST: “Yes, Joe—”
BIDEN: “We were so far apart, I thought we were gonna have a dance-off.”
HOST: “Joe—”
BIDEN: “Then we kept raising our hands like we were lifting something! But there was nothing in my hands! I know, cuz I looked real close!”
HOST: “Joe—”
BIDEN: “That got me confused, and I get angry when I’m confused! I was like, ‘What the hell are we lifting in this empty room?’ I started to wander off, but the Salisbury Steak guys steered me back. Anyway, Kamala just kept smiling and lifting, so I did, too. Man, she was far away!”
HOST: “Joe—”
BIDEN: “Did you see me on stage with Kamala?”
HOST: “Yes, Joe—”
BIDEN: “We stood further apart than Bill and Hillary at their wedding!”
HOST: “JOE!!”
BIDEN: “Are we done yet? I’m tired.”
HOST: “Sure Joe, we’re done.”
BIDEN: “Okay.”
HOST: “No! Wait! It’s your turn, Joe! (regaining composure) I see you’re speaking from your home. Again.”
BIDEN: “I sure am! I like it here. Real peaceful. Nice men feed me through a slot in the door.”
HOST: “That’s…um…”
BIDEN: “Today was Salisbury Steak day!”
HOST: “Joe—”
BIDEN: “Did Hunter speak yet?”
HOST: “Yes, Joe—”
BIDEN: “He’s rich, you know! And if I’m made President, I’ll do that for every American! I’ll threaten countries with foreign aid cuts until they give every American a cushy job sitting on some board in Ukraine!"
HOST: “Joe—”
BIDEN: (looking at camera) “Or my name ain’t Joe Biden!”
HOST: “Joe—”
BIDEN: “And I’m pretty sure it is!”
HOST: “Joe!”
BIDEN: “Did you see me on stage with Kamala?”
HOST: “Yes, Joe—”
BIDEN: “We were so far apart, I thought we were gonna have a dance-off.”
HOST: “Joe—”
BIDEN: “Then we kept raising our hands like we were lifting something! But there was nothing in my hands! I know, cuz I looked real close!”
HOST: “Joe—”
BIDEN: “That got me confused, and I get angry when I’m confused! I was like, ‘What the hell are we lifting in this empty room?’ I started to wander off, but the Salisbury Steak guys steered me back. Anyway, Kamala just kept smiling and lifting, so I did, too. Man, she was far away!”
HOST: “Joe—”
BIDEN: “Did you see me on stage with Kamala?”
HOST: “Yes, Joe—”
BIDEN: “We stood further apart than Bill and Hillary at their wedding!”
HOST: “JOE!!”
BIDEN: “Are we done yet? I’m tired.”
HOST: “Sure Joe, we’re done.”
(long silence)
BIDEN: “How did I do?”
(long silence)
HOST: “Sponsors.”
(Footage of Portland riots)
(The End)
(The End)
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