(The scene is a police interrogation room. Calmly seated at the lone table is a detective, going over his notes. The door opens. Escorted in by a big, stone-faced guard, actor Jussie Smollett sits down across from the detective. Smollett’s hands are cuffed)
Detective: “Mr. Smollett, you’ve been brought here today to answer a few questions, and we just want the facts. This is regarding your recent—oh, excuse me. Sergeant, the handcuffs aren’t necessary.”
Guard: “Those are his, sir.”
Guard: “Those are his, sir.”
(silence)
Detective: “I see. Mr. Smollett, could you please take those off?”
Jussie: (sighing) “If you insist.” (removes the cuffs, and starts twirling them on his finger) “All better?”
Detective: “Set them down, please. Thanks. (picks up report) Mr. Smollett, let’s cut to the chase. You’re accused of staging an attack on yourself, making it appear this attack came from supporters of the current President. It says here you paid two associates of Nigerian descent several thousand dollars to rehearse, and then carry out this attack while wearing ski masks. Are these the facts of the case?”
Jussie: (waves one hand in air, snapping fingers three times) “You got it!”
Detective: “Gay people don’t actually do that, Mr. Smollett—maybe in the 90’s.”
Jussie: “We don’t? Well then, I’ll just say it! Snap, snap, snap!”
Detective: “Stick to the facts, please. And the handcuffs routine is pretty dated, too.”
Jussie: “Wwwwhaaaaaaat?”
Jussie: (sighing) “If you insist.” (removes the cuffs, and starts twirling them on his finger) “All better?”
Detective: “Set them down, please. Thanks. (picks up report) Mr. Smollett, let’s cut to the chase. You’re accused of staging an attack on yourself, making it appear this attack came from supporters of the current President. It says here you paid two associates of Nigerian descent several thousand dollars to rehearse, and then carry out this attack while wearing ski masks. Are these the facts of the case?”
Jussie: (waves one hand in air, snapping fingers three times) “You got it!”
Detective: “Gay people don’t actually do that, Mr. Smollett—maybe in the 90’s.”
Jussie: “We don’t? Well then, I’ll just say it! Snap, snap, snap!”
Detective: “Stick to the facts, please. And the handcuffs routine is pretty dated, too.”
Jussie: “Wwwwhaaaaaaat?”
(prolonged silence)
Detective: “Maybe Lieutenant Foster can come in here. He’s gay. But he’ll probably shoot you.”
Jussie: “I’m good.”
Detective: “Let’s get back to the case. After allegedly staging the attack, you claimed these were white men wearing red hats, throwing bleach on you and shouting slurs regarding your race and sexual orientation. You also claim they shouted, ‘This is MAGA country!’…in Chicago. Are you fully aware of these charges?”
Jussie: “Of course! Don’t you think I know my own work?”
Detective: “Just yes or no, please, and…wait, you’re admitting it?”
Jussie: “With pride, snap, snap, snap! This is my bold, daring new approach! Everything’s better with ski masks! Like last month, in my stage production of ‘A Chorus Line,’ the whole cast—”
Detective: “You did ’A Chorus Line’ with ski masks?”
Jussie: “Yes! Picture a whole row of dancers, linking arms—”
Detective: “—just the facts, please—”
Jussie: “—high-kicking—”
Detective: “—just the facts—”
Jussie: “—ski masks turning in unison—”
Detective: “—too many facts—”
Jussie: (singing) “ONE! SINGULAR SENSATION!”
Detective: “Please stop, Mr. Smollett. I can’t unthink that."
Jussie: “Oh, that’s nothing! You should see my remake of ‘Pretty Woman!’”
Detective: “With ski masks?”
Jussie: “Of course! It keeps all the romance and sexiness, but adds an air of (pauses and gasps)…mystery! Who is she? What does she look like under there?”
Detective: “Is she a woman?”
Jussie: “Exactly!”
Detective: “She wears a ski mask…in the tub scenes?”
Jussie: “My fans demand nothing less!”
Detective: “You have fans?”
Jussie: “The shopping scene was tougher. Looked like a robbery.”
Detective: “You have fans?”
Jussie: “But I’m not limited to ski masks! In my latest ‘Wizard of Oz’ remake, Dorothy wears a MAGA hat while dousing the Witch with bleach! Ooooooohhhhh…snap, snap, snap!”
Detective: “Dorothy…in a MAGA hat?”
Jussie: “You should have heard the Witch! Instead of going all, ‘I’m melting!’, she’s like, ‘This stuff burns, you freaking psychos!’ Then she runs off the set and calls a lawyer! It seemed so…so real!”
Detective: “It was real, you idiot. You threw bleach on an actress. That’s assault.”
Jussie: (waving finger in the air) “No, that’s a statement! A statement about white girls from Kansas committing hate crimes against people of color!”
Detective: “The Witch is green, Mr. Smollett.”
Jussie: “I’m raising awareness!”
Detective: “She’s green, Mr. Smollett.”
Jussie: “I’m using my art for social justice! DON’T QUESTION THE CRAFT!”
Detective: “Fine. Is there anything else you’d like to confess—I mean, say?”
Jussie: “No, let’s just hurry this up. I’ve got a seat at the Oscars.”
Detective: “Yeah, I don’t think you’re gonna make it, pal.”
Jussie: “Well, I know Kevin Hart won’t make it! Remember him?”
Detective: “Black comic actor. Starred in Jumanji. Was hosting this year’s Oscars until old tweets of his surfaced, mocking gay people.”
Jussie: “That’s the one! You know, when I saw those tweets, I was like, wwwwhaaaaaaat? So I called him and said, ‘Kevin, we don’t do hate in Hollywood, snap, snap—'”
Detective: “WILL YOU STOP THAT?!”
Jussie: “But Kevin will be back! I’m overseeing his rehab!”
Detective: “Oh great.”
Jussie: “And next Summer, I’ve got him starring in Marvel’s newest hit, ‘Gay Panther!’”
Detective: “Gay Panther?”
Jussie: “For a battle cry, Kevin extends his paw with a sexy scratching motion, and goes, ‘Grrr, baby!’”
Detective: “Too many facts, Mr. Smollett.”
Jussie: “It’s an action thriller, all about the most exciting theme in films today! Tolerance!”
Detective: “Tolerance?”
Jussie: “Yes! Tolerance! Gay Panther opens with a half-hour speech on his fight for global togetherness and oneness and coexistence and…and stuff!”
Detective: “Those are all the same word, Mr. Smollett. Let’s stick to the facts.”
Jussie: “The villain—Hatemonger—will call for building walls around Wakanda—”
Detective: “—Wakanda already has walls—”
Jussie: “—but Gay Panther will convince Wakandans that WALLS DON’T WORK!—”
Detective: “—they do for Wakanda—”
Jussie: “—so Hatemonger responds with his evil catch phrase, ‘I intolerate you!’
Detective: “What?”
Jussie: “But Gay Panther shouts back, ‘Nuh-uh! You’re not gonna Make Wakanda Great Again, you bleach-throwing Nazi!’”
Detective: “Too many facts, Mr. Smollett.”
Jussie: “Then Gay Panther sues Hatemonger for offensive speech!”
Detective: “Thrilling.”
Jussie: ”It is! Once in court, Gay Panther gives another half-hour speech on his fight for global togetherness and oneness and coexistence—”
Detective: “You really hate Kevin Hart, don’t you, Mr. Smollett?”
Jussie: “At last, Warmonger is defeated, and (waving finger in the air) Gay Panther creates a world with no borders, no genders, no red hats, no Walmarts, and…and handcuffs for everyone!!!”
Detective: “Wow.”
Jussie: “Kevin Hart’s making a comeback, baby! Want to do the battle cry with me?”
Detective: (sets down his pen) “So let me get this straight. When you walk out of here, you’re going to do all this for Marvel Studios, Kevin Hart, and your career?”
Jussie: “Grrr, baby! Snap, snap, snap!”
Jussie: “I’m good.”
Detective: “Let’s get back to the case. After allegedly staging the attack, you claimed these were white men wearing red hats, throwing bleach on you and shouting slurs regarding your race and sexual orientation. You also claim they shouted, ‘This is MAGA country!’…in Chicago. Are you fully aware of these charges?”
Jussie: “Of course! Don’t you think I know my own work?”
Detective: “Just yes or no, please, and…wait, you’re admitting it?”
Jussie: “With pride, snap, snap, snap! This is my bold, daring new approach! Everything’s better with ski masks! Like last month, in my stage production of ‘A Chorus Line,’ the whole cast—”
Detective: “You did ’A Chorus Line’ with ski masks?”
Jussie: “Yes! Picture a whole row of dancers, linking arms—”
Detective: “—just the facts, please—”
Jussie: “—high-kicking—”
Detective: “—just the facts—”
Jussie: “—ski masks turning in unison—”
Detective: “—too many facts—”
Jussie: (singing) “ONE! SINGULAR SENSATION!”
Detective: “Please stop, Mr. Smollett. I can’t unthink that."
Jussie: “Oh, that’s nothing! You should see my remake of ‘Pretty Woman!’”
Detective: “With ski masks?”
Jussie: “Of course! It keeps all the romance and sexiness, but adds an air of (pauses and gasps)…mystery! Who is she? What does she look like under there?”
Detective: “Is she a woman?”
Jussie: “Exactly!”
Detective: “She wears a ski mask…in the tub scenes?”
Jussie: “My fans demand nothing less!”
Detective: “You have fans?”
Jussie: “The shopping scene was tougher. Looked like a robbery.”
Detective: “You have fans?”
Jussie: “But I’m not limited to ski masks! In my latest ‘Wizard of Oz’ remake, Dorothy wears a MAGA hat while dousing the Witch with bleach! Ooooooohhhhh…snap, snap, snap!”
Detective: “Dorothy…in a MAGA hat?”
Jussie: “You should have heard the Witch! Instead of going all, ‘I’m melting!’, she’s like, ‘This stuff burns, you freaking psychos!’ Then she runs off the set and calls a lawyer! It seemed so…so real!”
Detective: “It was real, you idiot. You threw bleach on an actress. That’s assault.”
Jussie: (waving finger in the air) “No, that’s a statement! A statement about white girls from Kansas committing hate crimes against people of color!”
Detective: “The Witch is green, Mr. Smollett.”
Jussie: “I’m raising awareness!”
Detective: “She’s green, Mr. Smollett.”
Jussie: “I’m using my art for social justice! DON’T QUESTION THE CRAFT!”
Detective: “Fine. Is there anything else you’d like to confess—I mean, say?”
Jussie: “No, let’s just hurry this up. I’ve got a seat at the Oscars.”
Detective: “Yeah, I don’t think you’re gonna make it, pal.”
Jussie: “Well, I know Kevin Hart won’t make it! Remember him?”
Detective: “Black comic actor. Starred in Jumanji. Was hosting this year’s Oscars until old tweets of his surfaced, mocking gay people.”
Jussie: “That’s the one! You know, when I saw those tweets, I was like, wwwwhaaaaaaat? So I called him and said, ‘Kevin, we don’t do hate in Hollywood, snap, snap—'”
Detective: “WILL YOU STOP THAT?!”
Jussie: “But Kevin will be back! I’m overseeing his rehab!”
Detective: “Oh great.”
Jussie: “And next Summer, I’ve got him starring in Marvel’s newest hit, ‘Gay Panther!’”
Detective: “Gay Panther?”
Jussie: “For a battle cry, Kevin extends his paw with a sexy scratching motion, and goes, ‘Grrr, baby!’”
Detective: “Too many facts, Mr. Smollett.”
Jussie: “It’s an action thriller, all about the most exciting theme in films today! Tolerance!”
Detective: “Tolerance?”
Jussie: “Yes! Tolerance! Gay Panther opens with a half-hour speech on his fight for global togetherness and oneness and coexistence and…and stuff!”
Detective: “Those are all the same word, Mr. Smollett. Let’s stick to the facts.”
Jussie: “The villain—Hatemonger—will call for building walls around Wakanda—”
Detective: “—Wakanda already has walls—”
Jussie: “—but Gay Panther will convince Wakandans that WALLS DON’T WORK!—”
Detective: “—they do for Wakanda—”
Jussie: “—so Hatemonger responds with his evil catch phrase, ‘I intolerate you!’
Detective: “What?”
Jussie: “But Gay Panther shouts back, ‘Nuh-uh! You’re not gonna Make Wakanda Great Again, you bleach-throwing Nazi!’”
Detective: “Too many facts, Mr. Smollett.”
Jussie: “Then Gay Panther sues Hatemonger for offensive speech!”
Detective: “Thrilling.”
Jussie: ”It is! Once in court, Gay Panther gives another half-hour speech on his fight for global togetherness and oneness and coexistence—”
Detective: “You really hate Kevin Hart, don’t you, Mr. Smollett?”
Jussie: “At last, Warmonger is defeated, and (waving finger in the air) Gay Panther creates a world with no borders, no genders, no red hats, no Walmarts, and…and handcuffs for everyone!!!”
Detective: “Wow.”
Jussie: “Kevin Hart’s making a comeback, baby! Want to do the battle cry with me?”
Detective: (sets down his pen) “So let me get this straight. When you walk out of here, you’re going to do all this for Marvel Studios, Kevin Hart, and your career?”
Jussie: “Grrr, baby! Snap, snap, snap!”
(prolonged silence)
Detective: “You’re free to go, Mr. Smollett. Don’t forget your cuffs.”
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