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My Commencement Address   by Andy Peth

5/24/2015

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I was recently honored to give a commencement address.  Looking out over the graduates, I sensed the pull of history; and with it, an awesome duty to share absolute truth.  I owed them no less.  For despite all they’d learned through years of education, the world awaiting them was an unforgiving place—a cold splash of reality, far removed from the sterile protection of a classroom. 

Setting aside my prepared words, I looked them straight in the eye and spoke from the heart: 

“You’re all screwed.”

“Let’s be honest.  Thanks to my generation, you’re already about $20 Trillion in debt.  To put that in perspective, imagine a dollar bill.  Now imagine it twenty trillion times.  I’ll wait.” 

“For what it’s worth, it’s been a good ride, as we propped up our entire economy on your money.  We paid people not to work, and they voted for us.  We paid farmers not to farm, and they voted for us.  We paid educators not to educate, and they ran our campaigns.  I myself bought a canoe.  Hand-crafted.  Never used it.  It’s sitting in my front yard, and when the HOA complained, I told them they were disrespecting my people; so they gave me a donation and left.  I’m German, by the way.”

“After two centuries of America leading the world in production and innovation, I can proudly state my generation didn’t make a single thing—and trust me, it wasn’t easy.  We partied a lot.  I mean, a lot.  We obsessed over which late-night host would retire next.  We thanked Tom Brady for providing us endless opportunities to say, ‘balls.’”

“Call us selfish.  Call us failures.  But don’t call us hopeless, for throughout the tough times, we always had one ace in the hole; one backup plan: Your money.  And apparently, you were really loaded, because we spent $20 Trillion of it.  And we enjoyed it.  Yes, I can honestly say, we really enjoyed spending your money.” 

“Thank you.  For corporate bailouts and unsustainable social programs, thank you.  For bloated pension funds, studies on the mating habits of gay turtles, and for my canoe, thank you.  Couldn’t have done it without you.”

“What?  You want the money back?  Tell you what:  At the end of this ceremony, you’ll each receive a diploma.  Consider those our IOU’s.”

“Of course, we did learn while navigating that uncertain minefield called ‘life.’  We know a thing or two.  While we can’t return your money—and believe me, we so wish we could—we have gathered some wisdom.  Here are a few pieces:

  1. Some of you will go on to great things; creating hope where it was lost, blazing trails, and showing others the way.  The rest of you will swarm over these few—like locusts, feeding on their success.  It’s okay; you outnumber them.  Power to the people.  
  2. Vote for candidates because they fill certain demographics.  Then, insist you’re voting ‘the issues.’  If anyone disagrees with your issues, accuse them of disliking certain demographics.  When they deny disliking demographics, tell them to stop fixating on demographics and stick to the issues.  Ask why they’re filled with hate.  As they fumble for answers, walk out in disgust. 
  3. Always seek romantic advice from people juggling multiple office relationships.  They’re experts.
  4. The more time you take in really knowing people at work—their likes, their dislikes, their hopes, their dreams—the more they’ll pay to keep you from telling.  Remember, information is power.
  5. Sleep your way up the corporate ladder.  Then, wearing scant clothing, accept company awards while thanking all those who appreciated what you had to offer.  In closing, call for world peace.
  6. Guys, if your wives are kept properly sedated, they’ll never ask for backrubs.
  7. Girls, if your husbands are kept properly sedated, they’ll never rant about politics.
  8. Men like movies where lots of people die quickly.  Women like movies where one person dies slowly—the slower the better.  Coincidentally, men like lots of quick relationships, while women prefer one, committed, slow relationship—the slower the better.”

“Well, that’s about it.  My CD is available at the table out front.  Thank you.”

By this point, the audience appeared quite moved—like I had touched a part of them they hadn’t known existed.  Tears flowed freely, to the point of sobbing.  Walking out those doors with pride, I knew I had prepared them all to move on…

…to the 2nd Grade.   Just as soon as they stop crying. 

Whiny little brats.


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Simple Points on Minimum Wage   by Andy Peth

5/21/2015

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Yesterday, I watched Fox’s Neil Cavuto interview one of the most dishonest people in America, Stuart Acuff.   A former Organizing Director of the AFL-CIO, Acuff advocates forcing McDonalds to pay its employees $15/hour.  Listening to this embodiment of evil, I realized three things:

  1. People of Acuff’s ilk have no conscience when lying.  None whatsoever.  And yet…
  2. …Acuff’s points are simpler than economically honest answers, so they sell better.   So…
  3. …Conservatives need bold, simple points for combatting this agenda.

I’m a fan of Cavuto’s, but he didn’t use bold, simple points.  Engaging in a back-and-forth of competing statements, Cavuto sounded like a shill for the rich.  It didn’t work.  At all.  Acuff stayed simplistic, stressing America’s income disparity (the rich can just pay more), along with obligatory examples of McDonalds employees struggling to get by.  I’m sure young voters would trust him over Cavuto.

If we want to reach young (and all) voters on this issue, we’d better simplify.  Now.

Five Basic Points

When asked about a $15/hour minimum wage, I make 5 basic points:

  1. Lower Rungs.
  2. They can leave.
  3. They’re just like you.
  4. Back it up!
  5. Expensive living.

Now, let’s break these down.      

Point 1 – Lower Rungs:  “Why cut lower rungs off the ladder of success?”

If a $15/hour minimum wage hurts business—and it will—businesses will respond by cutting lower rungs off the ladder of success.  In other words, they’ll create fewer entry-level jobs.  Paying more for people who are starting out, employers will hire fewer of them, leaving less opportunity for climbing.

  • Possible Leftist Response:  “But people working in McDonalds are no longer just teens starting out.  They’re older people, supporting families.”  (Acuff tried this one)
  • My Answer:  That’s the point!  When you cut off lower rungs, remaining jobs go to older people with more responsibilities!  Have you looked at youth unemployment rates lately?

After 6 years of this presidency, our Labor Participation Rate sits at a 35-year low, hitting young people hardest.  So, why make it more expensive to hire new employees?  We need to add rungs, not cut them off!

  • Possible Leftist Response:   “Shouldn’t businesses cut fat at the top instead of the bottom?”
  • My Answer:  Many do!  But cutting those positions leaves higher-skilled people needing work, so they take lower rung jobs.  This still cuts off lower rungs, while leaving fewer promotions.  Is this what you want?  Fewer chances to start, and fewer promotions once you do? 

Point 2 – They Can Leave:   “Jobs aren’t guaranteed.  Jobs can leave.”

If we jack up labor costs, what’s stopping businesses from outsourcing, automating, or moving?  No, they don’t want to.  They want real people helping their customers, not recordings or button displays—and creating American jobs is good for business.  But they all have competitors, and costs are costs.

Unions jacked up wages in Detroit.  Now look at Detroit.  Or try dialing a call center for customer service help—where’s it located?  Pick up countless items at Walmart or Target and see where they’re made.  Blame the rich if you want, but none of this happened until we made it happen.

Point 3 – They’re Just Like You:  “Why do you want business owners to not act like you?”

Suppose you have $10, and you want some fast food.  Isn’t competition great?  McDonalds, Burger King, Subway—everyone’s trying to offer the best bang for your buck.  And you take the best deal.

But suppose someone has $10 million, and they want to start a business.  Like you, they have lots of places competing, offering the best bang for their buck; places like America, Indonesia, Mexico, Korea, etc.  So here’s my question:  America, what are you offering?  Looking at costs like labor, EPA, tax rates, energy policies, lawsuit protection—how are you competing?

The fact is, we aren’t, and a $15/hour minimum wage makes it much worse.  So, here we all want businesses competing for our $10, but we don’t want to compete for their $10 million.  High minimum wage advocates demand business owners not be like us.  That’s crazy!

Point 4 – Back It Up!  “If you think a $15/hour minimum wage is okay for business, then back it up!”

One of the most common arguments from $15 advocates is, “It won’t hurt business.”  No, seriously.  Acuff made the oft-repeated point that doubling wages for minimum wage workers would “only raise McDonalds prices by 50 cents a meal (a lie), and customers would gladly pay it.”   

My answer:  If higher base wages won’t seriously raise prices and drive off customers, then what’s stopping guys like Acuff from creating new competitors paying $15/hour?  Labor leaders create nothing, build nothing, employ no one, and then say how easy it is—without risking a dime of their own!

Back it up, Stuart Acuff!  Quit talking theory and prove yourself!  Start a rival company, pay that higher wage, and put McDonalds out of business!  C’mon Stuart, put your money where your mouth is!  The way you talk, higher wages won’t hurt business, and customers will gladly pay higher prices!  You sound so confident!  You sound so sure!  You’re a wealthy man, Stuart, so what’s stopping you?

Labor leaders claim examples where higher wages supposedly work, knowing full well these are affected by countless other factors.  Don’t swap examples with them.  Challenge them! 

Back it up, Stuart!

Point 5 – Expensive Living:  “If $15/hour is paid everywhere you buy things, what will everything cost?”

Think about it.  Restaurants.  Walmart.  Grocery stores.  Theatres.  If everyone has to pay so much more for employees, what will they charge you for their products?

What a disaster!  Not only will you lose jobs by cutting off lower rungs, but if you still find a job, your higher wage is lowered by skyrocketing inflation!  And while you pay more for all those products that were made overseas because jobs moved, will labor leaders help you?  You know, those guys who made all those claims without backing them up by risking their own money?  Yeah, them—the same guys who said everything would be fine as long as business owners don’t act like the rest of us!

Oh sure, they’ll help.  You betcha. 

Staying Focused

Our argument on this issue can be simple, if we stay focused.
 
Will we use each point every time?  Not a chance.  Just be ready, because predators like Stuart Acuff are out there.  Citing examples without context, they confuse arguments while luring their victims—all without conscience or regret.  We really are fighting monsters on this issue.  We’re slaying dragons.  And we’ll never win by flailing wildly with our swords, spewing examples and factoids while evil opponents simply offer more money now.

So stay focused.  Challenge them.  A few simple thrusts right to the heart, and they’ll drop before you.

Buh-bye, Stuart. 


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Why is America Leaving God?   by Andy Peth

5/14/2015

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Today, I must chat with my fellow Christians.

According to a recent Pew Poll, the percentage of Americans identifying as Christians has dropped sharply since 2007, from 78.4% to 70.6%.  During that time, the percentage claiming agnosticism or atheism rose nearly as sharply, from 16.1% to 22.8%.

My response as a born-again believer?  It’s an understatement.  While I’m no perfect judge, I believe the Christian percentage is far lower than 70%, as scriptural truths carry little sway with most Americans.  In my opinion, America isn’t leaving God right now.  Rather, we’re becoming more comfortable admitting we already have.  Again, just my opinion.

So who’s to blame?  Who drove America from its foundational beliefs?  Who did this? 

That’s easy:  We Christians did it.

You think I’m kidding?  Guess again.  To understand, read this scripture:


“Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have.  But do this with gentleness and respect.”
I Peter 3:15

Are we prepared to give answers?  Oh, I have tons of them, most dealing in science and philosophy.   Then what about gentleness and respect?  Are we demeaning and abrasive?  Not usually (unless I’m talking with environmentalists, who I hunt for sport).  Sooooo…what’s the issue?  It’s that middle part—“The hope that you have.”  Think about it:  What good are answers and respect if no one’s asking about our faith?  Well?  Truth is, if no one’s asking, everything else is worthless.  And why aren’t they asking?  Because too often, we’re not demonstrating hope in God.

Here’s what I mean:  Suppose I told you to walk across a canyon on an invisible bridge.  Wouldn’t you want to see me walk on the bridge?  Or suppose I advise you to invest in a new company, saying it’s sure to pay huge dividends.  But then, you see I won’t invest my own money…

If I show no trust in the bridge or investment, you’ll avoid these things because my actions speak louder than words.  This is the key to demonstrating hope—I have to walk on the bridge.  If we Christians don’t demonstrate hope in God, people have no reason to ask about our faith.
“Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.”
Hebrews 11:1

Notice this passage doesn’t demand a stupid, gullible, unwise faith—the sort where we lob virgins into volcanoes or trust Jonathan Gruber’s economics advice.  My faith is supported by tons of evidence; and as it happens, better economics.  But despite all my facts, people still can’t see God—they can’t see the bridge.  And if I won’t walk on it, why listen to my facts?

Examples?  There are plenty.  Just remember, we believe we have eternal life, eternal comfort, and eternal provision in Christ, and that our entire lives here are an instant by comparison.  This in mind, let’s imagine I’m a Christian and you’re not:

  • Suppose you and I work in an office, and I am overlooked for a much-deserved promotion.  If I display resentment over losing this earthly position, what does that show you?  Would you ask my thoughts on eternity with God, when I demonstrate more hope in getting my way right now?  If I hope in the same things as you, why ask me about my hope?
  • Or suppose we go to a restaurant and you see me tip poorly—clinging to that extra couple bucks for dear life.  Do you want to ask about my hope in God’s everlasting provision? 
  • Or what if I discipline my children out of frustration, rather than for their benefit?  As I scream, “You will respect my authori-tah!”, will you ask about the value I find in God?
  • How about if I love those who love me, but gossip about those who don’t? 

When I was an atheist, I remember wondering why Christians acted like everyone else.  How could I be “lost?”  How could they be “saved?”  No, I never minded their imperfection.  But it was their reliance upon my world—the way they seemed plugged into the same power source as me—that was confusing.  I guess this is why I saw their Jesus as being no different from Mohammed, Buddha, or Gandhi. 
“As He looked up, Jesus saw the rich putting their gifts into the temple treasury.  He also saw a poor widow put in in two very small copper coins.  ‘I tell you the truth,’ He said, ‘this poor widow has put in more than all the others.  All these people gave their gifts out of their wealth; but she out of her poverty put in all she had to live on’”
Luke 21:1-4

That woman walked on the bridge, trusting in provision no one could see.  Was she a deluded fool, suffering out of addicted devotion to some cult?  Would she take insurance advice from Jonathan Gruber?  No, she was just trusting in the Creator, not the creation—the Provider, not the provision.  It's called "perspective," folks, and it's more compelling than the finest sermon.  While I wouldn’t trust her beliefs without facts, I’d listen to her facts because she trusted her beliefs.

Understand, there’s nothing wrong with enjoying things in this world.  For instance, I like having a good car.  The power, the handling, the interior comfort—it’s all great stuff.  And I love shouting at my football team (enjoying, as Rush Limbaugh calls it, the "passion without consequence" of sports).  One day, I want to attend a Green Bay Packers game, holding a simple sign that reads, "YOU MUST WIN.  WE KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE."


Question is, do I need a good car?  Do I lack the inner perspective to recover after watching sports? In other words, do I trust in these good things more than I trust in a good God? Hopefully not. Hopefully, I trust in the Giver, not the gifts.  At any rate, I’d better figure out what bridge I’m walking on, because other people are watching.

And while I'm at it, I'd probably better leave the sign at home.

Read that first scripture again:

“Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have.  But do this with gentleness and respect.”
I Peter 3:15

There are, of course, other factors in America’s decline.  Our public education system is designed to crush faith in God (thank you, John Dewey), while Hollywood never tires of anti-Christian preaching. 

But the darker the darkness, the brighter the light shines.  How?  Listen to the Apostle Paul:
“I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.  I can do everything through Him who gives me strength.”
Philippians 4:12-13

Imagine taking someone with that mindset—let’s say, a 23-year-old girl who trusts her eternity with God—and placing her in your workplace.  No, she’s not creepy; just relaxed, with an eternal perspective.  What would happen?  Amidst all the usual office panic, wouldn’t she stick out?  Wouldn’t some people turn to her when seeking answers?  I think they would.  When the ground gives way beneath their feet, they’ll talk to the girl standing on an invisible bridge. 

Look, I’ll be honest.  At its current pace, I see America completely turning on the church within a few decades.  Is this reversible?  Of course; it always has been.  The formula never changes:

  1. Be prepared with real answers.  
  2. Be gentle, showing respect toward listeners.
  3. Most importantly, do what Christians have hardly done for several decades:  Give people a reason to ask questions by demonstrating hope in something they don’t have.

Numbers like those in the Pew Poll can be scary, as we see a nation leaving the Christian faith.  But in those numbers, I see a message from America to us in the church.  It goes like this:

“You want us to trust in God?   You want us to walk on your bridge?  Well…you first.”

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Mother's Day and the Left's Rage   by Andy Peth

5/10/2015

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Mother’s Day hurts for me.  To understand, just look at Great Britain.

Huh?  Be patient.  I’ll get there.

Yesterday, Liberals rioted in England.  After Conservatives won Britain’s elections, Leftists flooded the streets, demanding the victorious Tories be thrown out.  A war memorial was defaced.  Trash was everywhere.  Outraged at budget cuts which were saving Britain’s future, angry mobs screamed bloody murder.  How dare their countrymen continue austerity!  Just rob the rich instead!

This, folks, is why I left the Left.  Hate.  Rage.  Growing up in leftist circles, I realized everyone around me hated some group—a lot.  They hated rich people.  They hated Christians.  Oil companies.  White people.  The military.  On and on it went, and I realized the only thing unifying those around me was a constant, shared rage. 

My Mom: The Good Liberal

Meanwhile, my liberal Mom was one of the finest people alive.  I’m not exaggerating—everyone loved her.  As did I.  Slaving away long hours in nursing homes, Mom cared for the most vulnerable at stages when helplessness begat indignity.  These weren’t babies.  They were those once mighty who had succumbed to age.  And Mom was there for them, always patient, always intelligent (which meant a lot to those wanting smart conversation), always hard-working, always kind.  Mom was there for them.

Mom was also there for me.  It wasn’t easy, as I was ultra-hyper, and today, I’d be drugged into submission with a series of tranquilizer darts. “Keep it up, men!  He’s weakening!”  When Mom took well-deserved naps, I’d pretend to as well—until she fell asleep.  Then I’d burst outside and play.  The only time Mom slowed me down was when expanding my vocabulary.  How?  Mom and I would play Scrabble at the kitchen table, a bowl of chocolate covered nut clusters between us.  Sometimes there would be bacon.  Scrabble, to be sure, was no time for health food. 

But as sometimes happens in close families, a child chooses another path.  Me?  I became a Christian Conservative.  A Republican.  The enemy.  Before long, everything changed, as the camaraderie—both with Mom and the whole family—disappeared.  From then forward, anything important to me had to be silenced in Mom’s presence.  Oh, don’t judge her—don’t even dare.  The same can happen in Christian families or any other, as divergent beliefs from one’s children are just too painful. 

I think it’s petty when people abandon their parents’ values, only to demand, “Love me as I am!”  In Mom’s eyes, I became anti-poor, anti-environment, anti-everything good.  Forever a curse to the helpless, I was opposite of all she had been those long years caring for the elderly.  For this wonderful woman of the highest character, I represented pain and frustration whenever I was myself.

So, over the last 15 years of Mom’s life, we basically had no relationship.  Did I still admire her?  With all my heart.  But when the cost to be around someone is your silence—stifling everything that gives you purpose—no intimacy is left.  There’s deep pain knowing your silence is the entry fee to “relationship.” 

A few years ago, I lost Mom to cancer, but for me it was like losing someone I no longer knew. 

England and Anger

When thinking of “angry Liberals,” Conservatives envision mobs, like in England.  They envision Wisconsin during a Scott Walker campaign.  They envision Ferguson, New York, Baltimore...anything but my Mom.

But Conservatives don’t understand the anger driving all Liberalism, resenting anyone or anything that can’t be controlled.  Even good Liberals—and there are many—want to control the rich, the environment, the church, businesses…control life.  Conservatives dabble in control, but Liberals live there, whether controlling to help the helpless (good Liberals), or for selfish gain (Clintons).  Either way, as that control is taken away, their frustration mounts.

Burning within Liberals is a desire to grab the world and make it be what they feel it should be—no matter the cost.  If ever I shared my views, Mom’s gentle demeanor would shift to shortness and changing subjects.  Our closeness was gone.  She couldn’t help it.  Even with the kindest of Liberals, any break in control brings anger—enough anger to sever intimacy with a son.

Again, don’t blame my Mom.  She was no leader; just a good person trusting what she’d been taught.  No, blame Liberalism.  Blame this cult of control; of managing humanity.  Blame this mindset that demands choice-less education, empowering Liberal parents to control how other parent’s kids are taught.  Liberalism moves people’s kids around, moves their money around, tells them what they can drive, who they must hire, what they must pay, what energy they can use, more, more, more.

The cost?  That’s up to us.  Either we silence ourselves, or the Left’s rage breaks forth in shocking ways.  Mobs march in England.  Storefronts shatter in Baltimore.  In Wisconsin, balanced budgets are greeted with mass hatred, heaps of trash, and death threats against a Governor’s family.  Ever notice how only Conservatives discuss secession?  Not wanting to hurt anyone, we just want to get away.  Somehow, somewhere, we just want to be ourselves. 

As cities burn, Conservatives resent the choice between their own silence and the Left’s rage.  But for me, the price cuts deeper.  When I watch London, I see the end of Mother’s Day.  I see a young boy playing Scrabble with his Mom, not knowing their laughter over grabbing the same chocolate cluster will one day become the distance of strangers.  Silence?  Anger?  These aren’t choices for a mom and son.  These are the choices of Liberalism.

Somewhere in England, another family is split by social unrest…and the Left laughs.  Indeed, Marx’s god was eternal conflict within Dialectical Materialism; an endless war of ideas with no lasting comfort.  Think about that when watching the next riot.  Look closely, and see what Liberalism does to families, communities, and America.  Liberalism leaves little room for innocence—and less for Mother’s Day.

My friends, guard Mother’s Day against the forces which threaten it.  Celebrate the bond between Mom and Child!  Avoiding control, don’t demand Mom approve of what you’ve become, and don’t demand your children agree with every view.  That control carries an awful price—trust me on this.  The rage you see boiling over in London simmers lightly in those you hold dear, should control take hold. 

On this day—and hopefully, every day—be what the Left wants none of us to be.  Be a family.


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I Hate England   By Andy Peth

5/5/2015

1 Comment

 
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My wife is insane.  As in, clinically.  This past weekend, she was actually excited over England’s Royal Couple—William and Kate—having some sort of baby. 

I mean, excited?  Really?

Why does England still have royalty?  Elected by no one, their kings and queens govern nothing.  They’re pointless.  When they issue an edict, it carries all the impact of having a star named after you.  Exciting?  If we plastic-coated them, we’d have a decent game of chess.

(Incidentally, my wife has responded by naming an astronomical object after our marriage; a small but promising comet, which quickly burned up in the atmosphere.)

The Brits get defensive over these tax-funded figureheads.  Once when I was sight-seeing at Buckingham Palace, my friend Jimmy asked a guard what the Royal Family actually does.  Without warning, Jimmy was run through with a bayonet.  As he crumpled beside me, the captain called out, “Just throw him inside with the others, lads!  Pickup day is tomorrow.”

Then they looked at me.  “The Royal Family is truth,” I said.  “Shall I bring more unbelievers to be cleansed?”

England’s citizenry worships their Royal clan.  It’s disturbing.  Take, for instance, the military service of Princes William and Harry (sounds like an Ivy League School).  While such service is laudable, to hear Brits tell it, you’d think the two spent their tours leading daring crusades to expand the empire.  Oh yes.  I can imagine the bloody combat conditions endured by young Harry:

“Giles!”

“Yes, sir?”

“Be a good fellow, will you?  Retrieve my firearm, and shoot that Arab-looking chap over there.”

“Oh, do reconsider, sir.  I believe he’s on our side.”

“Tut-tut, Giles, a kill’s a kill!  Can’t have commoners thinking I sit about all day, sipping champagne—though I’m not tapping this near-empty glass to make a toast.”

“An oversight, sir.  Won’t happen again.”

“It can wait, Giles.  Fill it after dispatching the Arab.  Speaking of which, at the moment of triumph, be sure to shout, ‘For Queen and Country!’”

“Very good, sir.  One patriotic homicide, coming right up.”

 “Oh, and when you’re through, bring me my sword.”

“Will we be knighting more camels today, sir?”

“No Giles, I think I’ll challenge another of these dreadful locals to a duel.  Remind me again, good fellow, is the challenge slap best achieved with one glove, or two?”

“Two gloves, sir, pinched neatly together at the base.  And this time, sir, avoid lifting your pinky.”

“Sorry, force of habit.”

“Remember to pinch tightly, sir, lest another peasant mistake your challenge as a gift, and make off with your gloves—”

“Quite right.  That was unfortunate.”

“—and your sword—”

“Right.  Didn’t see that coming.”

“—hat, scarf, wallet—”

“That will be all, Giles.”

“Very good, sir.”

Why, oh why, does anyone care about these people?  Could you imagine Americans happily giving millions of tax dollars to some unelected family with no discernable talents, all to swoon over their latest fashions?  That’s worse than the Kardashians!  

But then, this is America.  A real country.  Here, when people enter a room, we do not announce them with the idiotic blowing of horns.  Our judges and lawyers don’t wear white wigs, as we convene courtrooms for matters of law, not furious rounds of knitting.  And we do not “knight” elderly pop stars, that they might boldly defend the realm.  We have Marines for that.

“For unto Kate, a child is born.”   Hey, I’m sure the kid is adorable, but so what?  All babies are cute!  I’ll bet this one already wears a wig!  She’s probably already commanding servants!  And knighting pop stars!  And camels!  For goodness sakes, she already has my wife speaking with an accent!  

There’s my wife on the sofa.  Reading royal updates.  Now she’s looking at me.  Menacingly.  Disapprovingly.  One false word, and our marriage crashes to earth in cinder and ash.

“I see it now, my love.  The Royal Family is truth!  Long live the Queen!”

With a smile, she resumes reading.  At great cost, my marriage is saved.  I really hate England.



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