(In honor of the season, tonight’s debate is to be held at Santa’s workshop, in stunning Claymation. Trudging toward the North Pole, our merry band is led through driving snow by a spunky little reindeer with a bright red nose…)
RUDOLPH: “Keep going, everybody! Don’t worry! I’ll light the way!”
FIORINA: “I can’t see anything. Will someone turn off his nose? It just makes the blizzard red.”
RUBIO: “Don’t say that about Rudolph! He saved Christmas!”
FIORINA: “I feel like I’m tracking Commies.”
RUBIO: “Carly, you don’t appreciate Rudolph! You never did! That’s why you never smile!”
FIORINA: “We’re lost in a red blizzard and I haven’t eaten since yesterday. Why should I smile?”
RUDOLPH: “Did I hear someone needs a smile? Let’s pass the time with a song!”
RUBIO: “Yay!”
FIORINA: “One word: Venison.”
RUDOLPH: “Frosty the Snowman, was a jolly, happy soul! With a corncob hat and a button nose…”
FIORINA: “I can’t see anything. Will someone turn off his nose? It just makes the blizzard red.”
RUBIO: “Don’t say that about Rudolph! He saved Christmas!”
FIORINA: “I feel like I’m tracking Commies.”
RUBIO: “Carly, you don’t appreciate Rudolph! You never did! That’s why you never smile!”
FIORINA: “We’re lost in a red blizzard and I haven’t eaten since yesterday. Why should I smile?”
RUDOLPH: “Did I hear someone needs a smile? Let’s pass the time with a song!”
RUBIO: “Yay!”
FIORINA: “One word: Venison.”
RUDOLPH: “Frosty the Snowman, was a jolly, happy soul! With a corncob hat and a button nose…”
(2 hours later)
RUDOLPH AND RUBIO: “Thumpity-thump-thump! Thumpity-thump-thump! Look at that Frosty go! Thumpity-thump-thump! Thumpity-thump-thump! Over the hills of snow!”
TRUMP: “That’s enough singing, people. We’ve stopped to help the Abominable Snowman.”
RUBIO: “We’re helping him? But gosh, he’s scary!”
TRUMP: “No, he’s not. He just needed a tooth pulled.”
BUSH: “You can’t pull teeth with big talk, Donald! It takes experience! A Governor’s experience!”
TRUMP: “Puh-leeze! I got people, and they handle everything! Ben’s a surgeon, so I sent him in.”
CRUZ: “But Donald…not that I’d ever disagree with anything you’ve said, done, imagined, or even yelled out in a drunken rage…but Ben’s no dentist. He’s a neurosurgeon.”
TRUMP: “It’s a tooth, Ted! Ben can handle a tooth! Tell you what, next time I’ll send you and Marco—if we need a crack team of freshmen Senators.”
RUBIO: “Oh boy! Can I use my boat?”
CRUZ: “Shut up, Marco.”
RUBIO: “Never mind. I left it in my bathtub.”
TRUMP: “That’s enough singing, people. We’ve stopped to help the Abominable Snowman.”
RUBIO: “We’re helping him? But gosh, he’s scary!”
TRUMP: “No, he’s not. He just needed a tooth pulled.”
BUSH: “You can’t pull teeth with big talk, Donald! It takes experience! A Governor’s experience!”
TRUMP: “Puh-leeze! I got people, and they handle everything! Ben’s a surgeon, so I sent him in.”
CRUZ: “But Donald…not that I’d ever disagree with anything you’ve said, done, imagined, or even yelled out in a drunken rage…but Ben’s no dentist. He’s a neurosurgeon.”
TRUMP: “It’s a tooth, Ted! Ben can handle a tooth! Tell you what, next time I’ll send you and Marco—if we need a crack team of freshmen Senators.”
RUBIO: “Oh boy! Can I use my boat?”
CRUZ: “Shut up, Marco.”
RUBIO: “Never mind. I left it in my bathtub.”
(Ben Carson emerges from the cave, leading a listless monster)
CARSON: “It was touch and go there for a while, but I’m done.”
CHRISTIE: “Ben, how much sedative did you use? He looks really drugged.”
PAUL: “Drugs? Where?”
CARSON: “Drugs weren’t necessary for this extraction. I only extract what I know—and I know brains.”
CHRISTIE: “You lobotomized him?”
CARSON: “Had to be done. He was loud, and I don’t like loud. (Trump backs away) Oh, and I named him. Called him ‘Brainless,’ and he liked it. I got the idea from ‘How To Train Your Dragon.’”
FIORINA: “That’s ‘Toothless.’”
CARSON: “Oh, right! Wow, that’s ironic.”
FIORINA: “Can you make Brainless stop playing with my hair?”
CARSON: “No, and I wouldn’t move, Carly. His only remaining emotions are ‘curious’ and ‘destroy.’”
FIORINA: “But—”
HUCKABEE: “You know Carly, if you were Hillary Clinton, you could just hand him your hair.”
BUSH: “That’s mean!”
TRUMP: “I wore one of Hillary’s wigs for a month. No one noticed.”
HUCKABEE: “Jeb’s right. My crack about Hillary’s wig was unchristian. Sometimes I lose focus, like—”
PAUL: “Birds nest in my hair.”
HUCKABEE: “—like Rand.”
PAUL: “Not sure why they nest there, but then I’m usually pretty wasted. On my third joint, they talk to me. Wanna know how I feed the babies?”
CHRISTIE: “No! No one cares, Rand! Marijuana is evil! I’m sick of you kids and your rock…marijuana!”
PAUL: “Stop pronouncing the ‘j,’ dude. I never pronounce the ‘j’ when I say, you know, ‘pot.’”
HUCKABEE: “Okay, that’s enough! Remember, this is the Christmas season! It’s a time of goodwill; when we turn from our pettiness and become the people we had always hoped to be!”
TRUMP: “So we need to repent?”
HUCKABEE: “Well, I wouldn’t say—“
TRUMP: “—‘cause I once had my private jet drop ‘You’re Fired!’ leaflets on the Island of Misfit Toys.”
CHRISTIE: “Donald, that’s horrible! Outside of New Hampshire, that's the only place where I do well!”
TRUMP: “It’s okay. It was all done very humanely. I even laughed humanely.”
BUSH: “Hey guys, what happened to Carly?”
TRUMP: “Gone. She was at 2%. The field keeps shrinking. Soon it will just be me…and Jesus. I promise not to go after him—if he treats me right.”
CRUZ: “I’m okay with everything Donald just said.”
BUSH: “Yeah, we’ve noticed.”
RUDOLPH: “Okay, everybody, time to get going! Don’t lose hope, we’re almost there!”
CHRISTIE: “Ben, how much sedative did you use? He looks really drugged.”
PAUL: “Drugs? Where?”
CARSON: “Drugs weren’t necessary for this extraction. I only extract what I know—and I know brains.”
CHRISTIE: “You lobotomized him?”
CARSON: “Had to be done. He was loud, and I don’t like loud. (Trump backs away) Oh, and I named him. Called him ‘Brainless,’ and he liked it. I got the idea from ‘How To Train Your Dragon.’”
FIORINA: “That’s ‘Toothless.’”
CARSON: “Oh, right! Wow, that’s ironic.”
FIORINA: “Can you make Brainless stop playing with my hair?”
CARSON: “No, and I wouldn’t move, Carly. His only remaining emotions are ‘curious’ and ‘destroy.’”
FIORINA: “But—”
HUCKABEE: “You know Carly, if you were Hillary Clinton, you could just hand him your hair.”
BUSH: “That’s mean!”
TRUMP: “I wore one of Hillary’s wigs for a month. No one noticed.”
HUCKABEE: “Jeb’s right. My crack about Hillary’s wig was unchristian. Sometimes I lose focus, like—”
PAUL: “Birds nest in my hair.”
HUCKABEE: “—like Rand.”
PAUL: “Not sure why they nest there, but then I’m usually pretty wasted. On my third joint, they talk to me. Wanna know how I feed the babies?”
CHRISTIE: “No! No one cares, Rand! Marijuana is evil! I’m sick of you kids and your rock…marijuana!”
PAUL: “Stop pronouncing the ‘j,’ dude. I never pronounce the ‘j’ when I say, you know, ‘pot.’”
HUCKABEE: “Okay, that’s enough! Remember, this is the Christmas season! It’s a time of goodwill; when we turn from our pettiness and become the people we had always hoped to be!”
TRUMP: “So we need to repent?”
HUCKABEE: “Well, I wouldn’t say—“
TRUMP: “—‘cause I once had my private jet drop ‘You’re Fired!’ leaflets on the Island of Misfit Toys.”
CHRISTIE: “Donald, that’s horrible! Outside of New Hampshire, that's the only place where I do well!”
TRUMP: “It’s okay. It was all done very humanely. I even laughed humanely.”
BUSH: “Hey guys, what happened to Carly?”
TRUMP: “Gone. She was at 2%. The field keeps shrinking. Soon it will just be me…and Jesus. I promise not to go after him—if he treats me right.”
CRUZ: “I’m okay with everything Donald just said.”
BUSH: “Yeah, we’ve noticed.”
RUDOLPH: “Okay, everybody, time to get going! Don’t lose hope, we’re almost there!”
Alas, the candidates never reached the debate. Only the bodies of Rudolph and Marco were found, broken at the base of a cliff. It is said Carly Fiorina still hangs upside down in some remote, icy cave, unable to reach her lightsaber.
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