(The following is taken from a secret recording of Susan Rice with her son)
“…and that’s why good parents always keep a close eye on their kids.”
“But Mom—”
“Please, son, we don’t stand on formalities here. Call me Former National Security Advisor, Susan Rice.”
“Former National—what?”
“Susan, for short.”
“Look, I don’t want my M—my Susan—surveilling me!”
“No, no, no, no! I never surveil you! I just record other people—people who speak with you.”
“But I’m in those recordings!”
“Oh, that’s just incidental! Although…”
“Although what?”
“I’m a bit concerned about your interest in that new girl at school. What do you really know about Katie, anyway?”
“Nothing! I’m working up courage to talk to her! I’ve only mentioned her to my best friends—”
“—real friends don’t leave cell phones open to compromise, dear—”
“—and written about her in my journal—”
“—which you did a terrible job hiding—”
“You’ve read my journal?!”
“No, no, no, no! I just made copies.”
“No!”
“But when my boss, President Obama, ordered they be shared with sixteen other agencies, I might have overheard some things…”
“Mom!”
“Please! Susan! We don’t stand on—”
“Sixteen agencies have my journal???”
“Well, they’re calling it a diary. ‘A boy and his diary.’”
“It’s a journal!”
“Sure it is, son.”
“Mom!”
“Susan! Look, it’s my job to protect you! That’s why I’ve also surveilled people Katie knows! I may have picked up some incidental comments from Katie, too—”
“Leave her alone!”
“I can’t! There were national security concerns involving Katie, and—”
“National Security? Like terrorism?”
“No, no, no, no! We call it, ‘Spontaneous Protest…ism.’ You never know when random shooting can start over a YouTube video.”
“A what?”
“Katie mentioned YouTube videos, and that’s where it starts, young man! One moment these kids are discussing YouTube, the next they’re gathering around embassies with rocket launchers they happened to find! I’ve seen it a thousand times…”
“Mentioning YouTube makes Katie a terrorist?!”
“No, no, no, no! A spontaneous protest-ist! These things just happen, son—”
“—but—”
“—and we wouldn’t have known without your connection to Katie, and her connections to Russia.”
“Russia?”
“‘Katie’ can be short for ‘Katarina.’ That confirmed her Russian ties, so—”
“Russia?”
“But no one suspects you, son! I assured the agents you’ve always ‘served with honor and distinction’—just like I said about Beau Bergdahl!”
“NO!”
“Katie’s name had to be unmasked for official review, of course—”
“PLEASE, NO!”
“Well don’t look at me! I know nothing about the unmasking I did as part of my duties!”
“STOP IT! JUST STOP IT!”
“What else could I do? She mentioned YouTube! YOUTUBE!! But like I said on MSNBC, ‘I never leaked nothing to nobody!’ I just shared unmasked intel with sixteen other agencies! Don’t you believe in sharing?”
“I used to!”
“It’s a good thing my boss changed those rules in his last week on the job for some reason!”
“But Katie’s innocent!”
“And she’ll have every chance to prove that when she testifies!”
“Testifies?!”
“Sure! Like the team of agents told Katie while dragging her out of that crowded classroom—”
“NO!”
“—they said they would never have known about her potential for YouTube-related violence—”
“—omigosh-omigosh-omigosh—”
“—had you not provided her name—”
“—OMIGOSH-OMIGOSH-OMIGOSH—”
“—in those tear-soaked pages of your diary—”
“AUGH! AUGH! AAAAAAUUUUGH!!!”
“—that they found in your hope chest.”
“I DON’T HAVE A HOPE CHEST!!!”
“Are you sure? The video shows Katie screaming your name, and the agents yelling, ‘Hey! Quit blaming the sissy with the diary in his hope chest!’”
“AUGH! AAAAUUUUGH!!!”
“I saw it on YouTube.”
“But—”
“Relax, they’re professionals! They also provide security for United Airlines!”
“NOOOOO!!!”
“And I can assure you they didn’t use chemical weapons! Like I said when asked about Syria, United Airlines has agreed to ‘voluntarily and verifiably give up its chemical weapons stockpile’—meaning they won’t violate international law when dealing with overbooked flights!”
“WHAT?!”
“Though personally, I wouldn’t go near Katie without a hazmat suit...jus’ sayin’…”
“I WANT A NEW MOMMY!”
“Please, it’s Susan!”
“MY MOMMY IS EVIL!!!”
“Now don’t start believing fake news reports where they keep quoting me!”
“AAAAAAAUUUUUUGH!!!”
“But Mom—”
“Please, son, we don’t stand on formalities here. Call me Former National Security Advisor, Susan Rice.”
“Former National—what?”
“Susan, for short.”
“Look, I don’t want my M—my Susan—surveilling me!”
“No, no, no, no! I never surveil you! I just record other people—people who speak with you.”
“But I’m in those recordings!”
“Oh, that’s just incidental! Although…”
“Although what?”
“I’m a bit concerned about your interest in that new girl at school. What do you really know about Katie, anyway?”
“Nothing! I’m working up courage to talk to her! I’ve only mentioned her to my best friends—”
“—real friends don’t leave cell phones open to compromise, dear—”
“—and written about her in my journal—”
“—which you did a terrible job hiding—”
“You’ve read my journal?!”
“No, no, no, no! I just made copies.”
“No!”
“But when my boss, President Obama, ordered they be shared with sixteen other agencies, I might have overheard some things…”
“Mom!”
“Please! Susan! We don’t stand on—”
“Sixteen agencies have my journal???”
“Well, they’re calling it a diary. ‘A boy and his diary.’”
“It’s a journal!”
“Sure it is, son.”
“Mom!”
“Susan! Look, it’s my job to protect you! That’s why I’ve also surveilled people Katie knows! I may have picked up some incidental comments from Katie, too—”
“Leave her alone!”
“I can’t! There were national security concerns involving Katie, and—”
“National Security? Like terrorism?”
“No, no, no, no! We call it, ‘Spontaneous Protest…ism.’ You never know when random shooting can start over a YouTube video.”
“A what?”
“Katie mentioned YouTube videos, and that’s where it starts, young man! One moment these kids are discussing YouTube, the next they’re gathering around embassies with rocket launchers they happened to find! I’ve seen it a thousand times…”
“Mentioning YouTube makes Katie a terrorist?!”
“No, no, no, no! A spontaneous protest-ist! These things just happen, son—”
“—but—”
“—and we wouldn’t have known without your connection to Katie, and her connections to Russia.”
“Russia?”
“‘Katie’ can be short for ‘Katarina.’ That confirmed her Russian ties, so—”
“Russia?”
“But no one suspects you, son! I assured the agents you’ve always ‘served with honor and distinction’—just like I said about Beau Bergdahl!”
“NO!”
“Katie’s name had to be unmasked for official review, of course—”
“PLEASE, NO!”
“Well don’t look at me! I know nothing about the unmasking I did as part of my duties!”
“STOP IT! JUST STOP IT!”
“What else could I do? She mentioned YouTube! YOUTUBE!! But like I said on MSNBC, ‘I never leaked nothing to nobody!’ I just shared unmasked intel with sixteen other agencies! Don’t you believe in sharing?”
“I used to!”
“It’s a good thing my boss changed those rules in his last week on the job for some reason!”
“But Katie’s innocent!”
“And she’ll have every chance to prove that when she testifies!”
“Testifies?!”
“Sure! Like the team of agents told Katie while dragging her out of that crowded classroom—”
“NO!”
“—they said they would never have known about her potential for YouTube-related violence—”
“—omigosh-omigosh-omigosh—”
“—had you not provided her name—”
“—OMIGOSH-OMIGOSH-OMIGOSH—”
“—in those tear-soaked pages of your diary—”
“AUGH! AUGH! AAAAAAUUUUGH!!!”
“—that they found in your hope chest.”
“I DON’T HAVE A HOPE CHEST!!!”
“Are you sure? The video shows Katie screaming your name, and the agents yelling, ‘Hey! Quit blaming the sissy with the diary in his hope chest!’”
“AUGH! AAAAUUUUGH!!!”
“I saw it on YouTube.”
“But—”
“Relax, they’re professionals! They also provide security for United Airlines!”
“NOOOOO!!!”
“And I can assure you they didn’t use chemical weapons! Like I said when asked about Syria, United Airlines has agreed to ‘voluntarily and verifiably give up its chemical weapons stockpile’—meaning they won’t violate international law when dealing with overbooked flights!”
“WHAT?!”
“Though personally, I wouldn’t go near Katie without a hazmat suit...jus’ sayin’…”
“I WANT A NEW MOMMY!”
“Please, it’s Susan!”
“MY MOMMY IS EVIL!!!”
“Now don’t start believing fake news reports where they keep quoting me!”
“AAAAAAAUUUUUUGH!!!”
(The recording cuts out here. Ms. Rice has declined to testify on its contents)
RSS Feed