We all have dreams of how the next GOP Debate should go. Here’s mine:
Moderator: “Governor Walker, we’ll start with you. Please describe what it’s like to be so boring.”
Walker: “Well, it would take a while...can I have extra time?”
Moderator: “No you cannot. Senator Rubio, can you explain why Governor Walker is so boring?”
Rubio: “Well, it would take a while...”
Moderator: “Please, take all the time you need.”
Rubio: “Okay, for starters—” (cell phone rings) “Excuse me…Honey, now’s not a good—what? You what? But…but…wait, how much? Okay, thanks.” (he hangs up) “Uh…I’m afraid I have to drop out…I was just sold…to Donald Trump.”
(Rubio bows his head and sheepishly begins walking off stage. Trump grins wickedly)
Trump: “Sheesh, I’ve paid more for a good suit. Hey Marco, teach the missus to negotiate, okay?”
Rubio: (turns back, without looking up) “Yes.”
Trump: “Yes?”
Rubio: “Yes, Dark Lord Master.”
(long, awkward silence)
Trump: “You may go.”
Rubio: “Thank you, Dark Lord Master.”
(Rubio exits)
Walker: (looking at Trump) “You’re mean!” (looking at audience) “This makes me sad inside!”
Moderator: “Thank you, Governor. Senator Cruz, do you have any comment?”
Cruz: “My concern is this: How can Donald Trump be leading every GOP poll, when virtually no Republicans anywhere admit they support him?”
Trump: “Human nature, pal. No one admits what brings them the most pleasure.”
Cruz: “So you’re saying—”
Trump: “That’s right, pal. I’m that shadowy side of you…the side you keep hidden…the side locked away in the dark chambers of your soul.” (he starts swiveling his hips, Elvis-style) “Give in to the Dark Side.”
Fiorina: “Please stop that.”
Walker: “I have a Dark Side? Does it hurt?” (looking at audience) “This makes me sad inside!”
Fiorina: “Seriously, ewww. Just…ewww.”
Trump: “Is that you, Carly? I hear you did well in the minors. Had there been an audience, you could have gotten a slow clap.”
Paul: “Are you people finished? ‘Cause I have something I want to say!”
Christie: “Here it comes…”
Paul: “Chris Christie is a warmongering, liberty-killing fascist! And he has drones following me around!”
Trump: “Actually, those are mine.”
Christie: “You know, Rand, you can blow hot air about these things when you’re sitting in a subcommittee, or smokin’ weed in a college dorm—”
Paul: “What makes you think I smoke weed?”
Christie: “—or playing on that swingset in the park—”
Paul: “What?”
Christie: “—or sitting in your Mommy’s lap while she reads to you about unicorns and pixie dust—”
Paul: “Get to the point!”
Christie: “Sure…what was the topic?”
Paul: “You tell me, General Patton!”
Christie: “Doesn’t matter, hippie! You sixties rejects infuriate me!”
Carson: “Can…I…help?”
Christie: “Sure! Make John Lennon here take a shower! He smells like Panama!”
Carson: “Notice…the…slow…rhythmic…pace…of…my…voice…”
Christie: “What? What’s happening?”
Carson: “You…feel…calm…”
Christie: “I feel calm.”
Carson: “You…feel…happy…”
Christie: “Mommy, is that you? Can I take Skippy and go play in the river?”
Carson: “You…feel…regret…”
Christie: “No Skippy! Don’t try to save me! Stay away from the waterfall!”
Carson: “Express…your…sadness…”
Christie: (sniffling) “Oh Skippy, why did you have to be so brave?”
Carson: “…through…dance…”
(Christie starts dancing about, mournfully)
Trump: “Weak-minded fool! Only a pushover could fall for this!”
(Bush is dancing about)
Trump: “Your Jedi mind tricks won’t work on me, boy!”
Carson: “These…are…not…the…droids…you’re…looking…for…"
Trump: “Of course they’re not! Why am I writing you this check?”
Walker: “Umm…is this all performance art? Am I supposed to understand this?”
Paul: “It would take a lot of weed…soothing, beautiful weed…”
Walker: “That’s not fair! I’m too boring to smoke weed!”
Fiorina: “I…I can’t take this. I’m surrounded by idiots.”
Jindal: “No you aren’t! We’re arranged in a straight line—”
Fiorina: “Bobby, not you too—”
Jindal: “—unless, of course, you’re speaking globally…then you’re surrounded…do you want one of Rand’s brownies? I can hear colors!”
Fiorina: “You imbeciles! You all realize the Moderator left, don’t you?”
Walker: “Did I do that? I’m sorry.”
Paul: (looking in his pocket) “Oh weed, you’re the only one who understands me. Soon, my friend. We’ll be together soon…”
Trump: “Ha! The moderator left because she can’t take the truth!” (he resumes swiveling his hips)
Cruz: “Haven’t you ever heard of purity? Integrity? Honor?”
Trump: “Do those sell? Maybe I’ll borrow yours sometime.”
Fiorina: “Ewwwwww!!!”
Trump: “Quit complaining, sweetheart. Sheesh, you remind me of whoever my current wife is.”
Fiorina: “That’s it!” (she storms off stage)
Cruz: “Yep, I’ve had enough!” (he storms off)
Paul: “Yeah, I need some alone time!” (he races off, happily)
(nearly everyone else walks off as well)
Trump: “Another flawless debate. Not a single policy detail. If loving me is wrong, I’ll do it anyway!”
(he struts off the stage)
(Alone, off to one side, Walker looks forward with a confused expression. Slowly, his hips start to swivel)
Walker: “No! Make it stop! Oh, why is the Dark Side so seductive?!”
Moderator: “Governor Walker, we’ll start with you. Please describe what it’s like to be so boring.”
Walker: “Well, it would take a while...can I have extra time?”
Moderator: “No you cannot. Senator Rubio, can you explain why Governor Walker is so boring?”
Rubio: “Well, it would take a while...”
Moderator: “Please, take all the time you need.”
Rubio: “Okay, for starters—” (cell phone rings) “Excuse me…Honey, now’s not a good—what? You what? But…but…wait, how much? Okay, thanks.” (he hangs up) “Uh…I’m afraid I have to drop out…I was just sold…to Donald Trump.”
(Rubio bows his head and sheepishly begins walking off stage. Trump grins wickedly)
Trump: “Sheesh, I’ve paid more for a good suit. Hey Marco, teach the missus to negotiate, okay?”
Rubio: (turns back, without looking up) “Yes.”
Trump: “Yes?”
Rubio: “Yes, Dark Lord Master.”
(long, awkward silence)
Trump: “You may go.”
Rubio: “Thank you, Dark Lord Master.”
(Rubio exits)
Walker: (looking at Trump) “You’re mean!” (looking at audience) “This makes me sad inside!”
Moderator: “Thank you, Governor. Senator Cruz, do you have any comment?”
Cruz: “My concern is this: How can Donald Trump be leading every GOP poll, when virtually no Republicans anywhere admit they support him?”
Trump: “Human nature, pal. No one admits what brings them the most pleasure.”
Cruz: “So you’re saying—”
Trump: “That’s right, pal. I’m that shadowy side of you…the side you keep hidden…the side locked away in the dark chambers of your soul.” (he starts swiveling his hips, Elvis-style) “Give in to the Dark Side.”
Fiorina: “Please stop that.”
Walker: “I have a Dark Side? Does it hurt?” (looking at audience) “This makes me sad inside!”
Fiorina: “Seriously, ewww. Just…ewww.”
Trump: “Is that you, Carly? I hear you did well in the minors. Had there been an audience, you could have gotten a slow clap.”
Paul: “Are you people finished? ‘Cause I have something I want to say!”
Christie: “Here it comes…”
Paul: “Chris Christie is a warmongering, liberty-killing fascist! And he has drones following me around!”
Trump: “Actually, those are mine.”
Christie: “You know, Rand, you can blow hot air about these things when you’re sitting in a subcommittee, or smokin’ weed in a college dorm—”
Paul: “What makes you think I smoke weed?”
Christie: “—or playing on that swingset in the park—”
Paul: “What?”
Christie: “—or sitting in your Mommy’s lap while she reads to you about unicorns and pixie dust—”
Paul: “Get to the point!”
Christie: “Sure…what was the topic?”
Paul: “You tell me, General Patton!”
Christie: “Doesn’t matter, hippie! You sixties rejects infuriate me!”
Carson: “Can…I…help?”
Christie: “Sure! Make John Lennon here take a shower! He smells like Panama!”
Carson: “Notice…the…slow…rhythmic…pace…of…my…voice…”
Christie: “What? What’s happening?”
Carson: “You…feel…calm…”
Christie: “I feel calm.”
Carson: “You…feel…happy…”
Christie: “Mommy, is that you? Can I take Skippy and go play in the river?”
Carson: “You…feel…regret…”
Christie: “No Skippy! Don’t try to save me! Stay away from the waterfall!”
Carson: “Express…your…sadness…”
Christie: (sniffling) “Oh Skippy, why did you have to be so brave?”
Carson: “…through…dance…”
(Christie starts dancing about, mournfully)
Trump: “Weak-minded fool! Only a pushover could fall for this!”
(Bush is dancing about)
Trump: “Your Jedi mind tricks won’t work on me, boy!”
Carson: “These…are…not…the…droids…you’re…looking…for…"
Trump: “Of course they’re not! Why am I writing you this check?”
Walker: “Umm…is this all performance art? Am I supposed to understand this?”
Paul: “It would take a lot of weed…soothing, beautiful weed…”
Walker: “That’s not fair! I’m too boring to smoke weed!”
Fiorina: “I…I can’t take this. I’m surrounded by idiots.”
Jindal: “No you aren’t! We’re arranged in a straight line—”
Fiorina: “Bobby, not you too—”
Jindal: “—unless, of course, you’re speaking globally…then you’re surrounded…do you want one of Rand’s brownies? I can hear colors!”
Fiorina: “You imbeciles! You all realize the Moderator left, don’t you?”
Walker: “Did I do that? I’m sorry.”
Paul: (looking in his pocket) “Oh weed, you’re the only one who understands me. Soon, my friend. We’ll be together soon…”
Trump: “Ha! The moderator left because she can’t take the truth!” (he resumes swiveling his hips)
Cruz: “Haven’t you ever heard of purity? Integrity? Honor?”
Trump: “Do those sell? Maybe I’ll borrow yours sometime.”
Fiorina: “Ewwwwww!!!”
Trump: “Quit complaining, sweetheart. Sheesh, you remind me of whoever my current wife is.”
Fiorina: “That’s it!” (she storms off stage)
Cruz: “Yep, I’ve had enough!” (he storms off)
Paul: “Yeah, I need some alone time!” (he races off, happily)
(nearly everyone else walks off as well)
Trump: “Another flawless debate. Not a single policy detail. If loving me is wrong, I’ll do it anyway!”
(he struts off the stage)
(Alone, off to one side, Walker looks forward with a confused expression. Slowly, his hips start to swivel)
Walker: “No! Make it stop! Oh, why is the Dark Side so seductive?!”
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