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Joni and the Mishandlers by Andy Peth

1/24/2015

I don’t blame Joni Ernst for her State Of The Union Response.

She has handlers, you see—or rather, mishandlers. Exhibiting few skills and less vision, these insiders still network their way up GOP ladders. They’re bigtime now. They measure focus group data. They write speeches for rising GOP stars, coaching their victims in “connecting” with voters. Hence, we receive an avalanche of sappy stories resembling narration for home movies:

“Oh, and this is me at camp…not unlike the wonderful camps enjoyed by children across America…”

“This is me opening my corner store…not unlike stores you’d see on corners across America…yes, America has its share of corners, dating back to the first settlers…”

“This is me working on a farm…not unlike many farms worked by…well, some people still…look, this is me castrating a hog!...sorry, too much detail…but it reminds me of how America is a place for opportunity, where even a country girl like me can dream big! Little did I know that one day…”

Augh! Enough! Quick, all single guys, picture the following: Taylor Swift approaches you in a bar and says you’re the sexiest man alive—and she’s feeling vulnerable right now—and a bit drunk. But then, Taylor tries to “connect,” reciting excerpts from Joni Ernst’s speech. Question: Do you still want her?

Yes, only Joni’s mishandlers could destroy Taylor Swift.

Have you ever seen those wooden nutcrackers that look like they should guard Buckingham Palace? Just take a moment to imagine one resembling Joni Ernst, with her bottom jaw sliding up and down as she—what, you already have it? Wow, that was quick. Anyway, that’s how much expression Ernst was permitted throughout her focus group-driven, mishandler-written SOTU response. It was that bad.

The next morning, I tried forgetting by running on a treadmill at the gym. It helped. Hanging before me were several TV’s, the closest displaying HGTV home renewal shows—you know, the kind where happy people take sledge hammers to walls. One commercial advertised Ellen Degeneres’s New Show, “Ellen’s Design Challenge.” That amused me. For a moment, I considered mocking the liberal icon, but then I envisioned Harry Reid saying, “If I had a son, he’d look just like Ellen.”

“Harry’s right,” I thought. “She’s a dead ringer. I’ll lay off.”

Anyway, try as I might, I couldn’t shake my Joni rage. Some show called “Property Brothers” was on, and I started imagining these two dashing fellows taking saws and sledge hammers to Joni’s speech. A smile crossed my face. Chained to a railing, Joni’s mishandlers looked on as Drew and Jonathan laughed maniacally, demolishing Formica personal stories and tearing up shag references to America’s shared values—values Americans haven’t agreed upon for decades. Alas, the more they shredded, the more they found to shred, so eventually Drew and Jonathan signed an insurance policy and started pouring gasoline. Racing out the door as flames ignited a gas line, the two brothers leapt joyfully, just ahead of the exploding timber.

“Yahahahahaha!!!!!!” And just like that, I had a section of the gym to myself.

Having failed to repress my Ernst memories, I began pondering solutions. What could be done? After all, this was no isolated meltdown. Bobby Jindal went through it; and last night’s Tea Party response was just as awful. Rather than fix messaging, current GOP divisions have only created more ladders to be climbed by more mishandlers—so blaming “Establishment Insiders” wasn’t the answer.

Then I remembered something; a “Basic Evangelism” class I took in Seminary. This ran a full semester, with several books, lots of lectures, and plenty of writing assignments. There were experts galore. At the final session, I stood up in the back and posed a tough question:

“Excuse me, but if we’re asking people to follow a 2100-year-old martyr while limiting their moral choices (a message I support, by the way), shouldn’t we, at some point, tell them why? Do you realize that during this entire semester, we haven’t spent one minute learning how to show Jesus is actually true? Not one sentence. Nothing. It’s all been personal technique and community strategies. Isn’t it the truth that sets people free, not our relational tactics?”

Needless to say, I wasn’t long for that seminary.

But my words apply for Conservatives today. After all, what is our opponent’s message? That’s easy: Wealth Redistribution. Then, rather than forcing people to endure home movies, shouldn’t we explain why wealth redistribution is a bad thing? For goodness sakes, our opponent’s entire strategy hinges on stealing for people and making them feel good about it, so shouldn’t we show why this will harm them, and why they should feel bad about it? Stop just connecting, GOP, and start teaching!

Yes, there are more issues we can mention. There’s illegal immigration, school choice, late-term abortion, terrorists, oil and gas waiting to be drilled on public lands, etc.—and on those issues, most Americans agree with us. That’s why Obama runs to wealth redistribution in all its forms, from healthcare to free college to a higher minimum wage. It’s all he has. So, what if Joni Ernst gave a friendly talk on why redistribution doesn’t work, and why opportunity does? Wouldn’t she sound smarter? Wouldn’t people be interested in a counterpoint to Obama’s only point?

And while she’s at it, what if Ernst described how spreading wealth can only be done at the expense of liberty? And what if she described liberty’s benefits, rather than just assuming everyone gets it?

“From each according to his ability. To each according to his need.” This Marxist ideal collapses nations from Russia to South America, and our president has hitched his wagon to it. Avoiding this topic because redistribution initially feels good—is crazy. It’s like Christians avoiding talk of sin because sin initially feels good. We need to start answering why, as in, “Why opportunity? Why not rob the few for the many? Why vote for us? Why not them?” Let’s offer reason, as only reason can help people look beyond what they initially feel. Let me say that again: Only reason can help people look beyond what they initially feel. Yes, inspirational stories are good too, but these should accent reason, not replace it.

Message to all GOP (and Tea Party) mishandlers: I don’t care how you networked your way up the ladder. If these reason-free home movies are all you have, then please quit your jobs. I mean it. Do it for good people like Joni Ernst. Do it for my aching feet that can’t handle this much treadmill time. Do it for Drew and Jonathan, who are now languishing in prison over insurance fraud and arson.

Do it for America. God bless America.

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You've Got a Wuss by Andy Peth

1/21/2015

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I thought I was finally there.

At long last, I thought I’d reached the point where nothing President Obama did on the world stage could shock me. I’d seen it all. I had endured his Apology Tour, wherein he called America “arrogant,” “dismissive,” “derisive,” “disengaged,” and “off course.” By his final stop, I was numb. I was used to it.

But how about when he gave England’s Prime Minister and Queen some DVD’s and an Ipod? Nope. I felt nothing. I was used to it.

Ben Ghazi? Four dead and a coverup? Tragic, but I was used to it.

Pulling out of Iraq too soon, and even telling our enemies when we’d do it? Used to it.

Getting bullied by Putin over the Ukraine? Used to it.

Ever-retreating, “red lines in the sand?” Used to it.

Normalizing Cuban relations without concessions? C’mon, that at least deserved a raised eyebrow!

Nope. Nothing. Little Chief “Throws Like a Girl” had me fully anesthetized. I was bullet-proof.

Then, for the President who never lets crises go to waste, a golden opportunity arose. France was attacked, savagely, by Islamic Terrorists. Shocked to the core, all of Europe—along with other nations—joined an historic march, stating as one that Radical Islam would no longer be tolerated.

Inexplicably, Obama missed this march...and I still wasn’t fazed. After all, this guy won’t say “Radical Islam” when describing who we’re fighting, which is akin to the Patriots saying their Super Bowl is against “all who would do them harm”—not just some isolated sect from the otherwise peace-loving Seahawk faith.

So when Obama failed to lock arms against terrorism, I still felt nothing.

But then came John Kerry and James Taylor. And after the years I’d spent staring blankly ahead like a lobotomized psych ward inmate, my jaw was about to drop.

Taking heat for missing the march, Obama reluctantly conceded he should do…something. Anything. But what? What could make up for skipping an event that won’t be duplicated in our lifetimes? We couldn’t exactly send a “Happy Belated Solidarity Against Evil” card—though Hallmark should create some for President Lead-From-Behind. No, this called for something big; something with a French-style message like, “All for one, one for all!” No expense would be spared. France would see, once and forever, America’s commitment to help destroy the monsters threatening Western Civilization.

And here was Obama’s response: He sent John Kerry—our military-blaming, pacifist Secretary of State—along with another anti-war fossil, musician James Taylor. O…M…freaking…G. For those too young to recall the soothing tones of this 70’s hippie, I’ll keep it simple: He makes ENYA look tough. Remember Snuggles, that bear who sold fabric softener? After each ad shoot, Snuggles would wind down from a hard day of blanket cuddling by writing in his journal—and listening to James Taylor.

Yep, that was Obama’s show of force; our pledge of strength. Should these head-chopping barbarians ever again threaten our allies, we would send in a crack team of aging folk singers. Don’t test us, terrorists! We’re not bluffing! O…M…freaking…G. This was like…like…like challenging Darth Vader to a pillow fight!

(Incidentally, I’m a skilled pillow-fighter. Were Vader and I to cross paths, he’d soon find himself saying, “The Force is strong with this one”)

Oh, but it gets worse than just sending peaceniks and rainbows. Taylor actually sang “You’ve Got a Friend” to the leaders of France. No, seriously. And they had to listen, as if they hadn’t suffered enough. Plunking forth from that acoustic guitar, each agonizing note left the French stunned, wondering how friends singing folk tunes would help against jihadists shouting “Allahu Akbar!”

People, we have hit rock bottom. Maybe after the next attack, Obama will comfort some battle-scarred nation by reviving The Captain and Tennille to sing “Love Will Keep Us Together.” And to reassure Israel of our steadfast alliance, ABBA can reunite with “Take A Chance On Me.”

There I sat, mouth open, in utter disbelief. James Taylor? Sherry-sipping, yacht-sailing John Kerry, and James Taylor? O…M…freaking…G. Inside one generation, America had gone from “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!” to John Kerry following a James Taylor tune with “Don’t worry, Franth! If the bad guyth ever come back, we will thlap them thilly!” Then, turning to Taylor, “One more time!”

As Europe looked on in speechless horror, John and James showed how even France is tougher than us. Yes, France. Mind you, when watching all those people marching on TV, I initially assumed they were re-enacting one of France’s great retreats. Then, as I noticed they weren’t throwing down guns or serving as chefs for their captors, it hit me: They were serious. They had woken up. Radical Islam had finally gone too far, and enough was enough. More than a symbolic statement, this march was signaling a great turning point in the war on terror.

And what of America? What of the world’s greatest super-power for freedom?

We sent John Kerry. And James Taylor. And we sent them late. Europe, you haven't got a friend. You’ve got a wuss. Once the Arsenal of Democracy, we are now the Great Sissy of the West.

Congratulations, President Obama. I’m finally shocked. O…M…freaking…G.

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Bronco Lessons for the GOP by Andy Peth

1/14/2015

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I was on a roll this past weekend—and that alone was surprising.

Having posted my NFL Playoff predictions on our Facebook page, I figured I’d crash and burn. These games get crazy. A fumble this way, an injury that way, and you go from brilliant to laughable in mere moments. Trust me, I know the feeling. I supported Herman Cain in 2012.

But this past weekend was different:

I picked New England over Baltimore by 7 points. New England won by 4.
I picked Seattle over Carolina by 14 points. Seattle won by 14.
I picked Green Bay over Dallas by 4 points. Green Bay won by 5.

Thus far, I had picked all three winners. I picked them by a total of 25 points, and they had won by a total of 23. I was on fire. I was the master. Whole religions would form around me. My wife would become “Our Queen.” I was getting T-Shirts printed.

Then came what should have been the easiest pick: The Denver Broncos at home against the Indianapolis Colts. What a lock. Denver was far better. Sure, the Colts had the stud quarterback, but that’s like saying there was a reeeeeeally terrific soldier in Custer’s regiment. It wouldn’t matter. By halftime, the teams would meet in a tent at midfield, where the Colts, heads bowed, would unconditionally surrender. A misguided rebellion put down, there would be peace.

I picked Denver by 21 points. Indianapolis won by 11. I felt like Barack Obama, calling ISIS a JV squad.

How could this happen? How? Well, in the days following the ambush, much became known about the Denver Broncos. Quietly, behind the scenes, they had become Team Turmoil.

The coach was dismissed—after a 12-4 season. Huh? The quarterback weighed retirement—after pledging to return a month earlier. The GM tried to reassure fans, but throughout all the damage control and happy-speak, one thing was clear: These leaders had been at each other’s throats.

Thinking back on the game, this made sense. Here were the upstart Colts, flying around like their lives depended on it, expending every drop of effort. For them, it seemed like it wasn’t just about winning; it was about commitment—dying for a cause, so to speak. The Broncos, meanwhile, also wanted to win. But they weren’t inspired. Toward the end, rather than fight to come back, they caught short passes and even stayed in bounds to run out the clock. I couldn’t believe my eyes.

So how does a team become Team Turmoil? It often starts like this:

At first, the leaders are wholly devoted to winning. They want the same thing.
But as challenges arise, underlying disagreements lead to internal blame. “Had we run the ball more, we’d have won! Had we blitzed more, we’d have won!”
In time, each leader becomes protective of his methods; his turf.
Then, one leader hears others are questioning his ideas when he’s not there. So, he defends himself by rallying support—questioning others when they aren’t there. Now you have factions.
Finally, leaders decide victory can only happen through the subjugation—or outright removal—of opposing views. For the good of the mission, they believe they must defeat one another.

Is the team affected? You bet! People can’t focus amidst power struggles. There’s no consistency. There’s no excitement. Every victory or defeat becomes someone’s “See, I told you so.”

And this, my friends, brings me to the current state of the Republican Party.

As you may know, I’m a proud Tea Partier. I take a side. But having come from the Left, I love the Right, and am heartbroken over our current civil war. When I see Establishment leaders demoralizing the grassroots with power moves, I wonder, “How can this help?” Even when I see Tea Party leaders talk more of ousting “RINO’s” than beating Democrats, I wonder, “How can this help?”

“But Andy,” I hear, “We have to reach undecided voters, and those Tea Partiers drive them away!”
“But Andy,’ I hear, “Compromise won’t inspire, and Establishment leaders wreck our message!”
Both sides say, “They’re undermining us!”—followed by the obligatory, “We aren’t leaving them. They already left us!”

“Had we run the ball more, we’d have won! Had we blitzed more, we’d have won! That last game—win or loss—PROVES I’M RIGHT!!”

Taking a step back, let’s look at our opponents. Right now, the Democrats are reeling, and not just from their November disaster. They have virtually no bench; no exciting candidates. They have no message beyond “Vote for us, and we’ll take down those people we’ve convinced you to hate.” Every city the Democrats run, crumbles. Every program they advance implodes. Their signature legislation—Obamacare—is becoming our best advertising. The Democrats are a mess.

They are the Colts, and this should be a rout. But as one raised among the Left, let me tell you what they do have: Uncompromising Commitment. These people will die to beat you. They have no principles except resentment of you and a thirst to control your life. They have no conscience. They will scratch, claw, intimidate—anything to win. The Left is huge, motivated, and above all, they are one.

Our locker room contains loads of talent, all divided by warring factions. The Left’s locker room contains little talent, but unity of purpose. In political terms, we want our way. They want our bodies strewn across a battlefield. We want compliant followers or perfect leaders. Politically, they want blood.

We punish dissenters by removing them from committee seats. The Left only wants blood.
We talk about 3rd parties. The Left only wants blood.
We publicly mock one another, like John McCain did to Ted Cruz. The Left only wants blood.
We abandon every leader who disappoints us. The Left only wants blood.
We use every outcome as proof we’re right. The Left only wants blood.

We have become the 2014 Broncos—talented but conflicted. While we play games and build allegiances, our opponents play for keeps. That’s the bottom line.

I’m offering no answers; not today. I just ask that, the next time we silence dissent or wage another internal war, let’s step back and think about what we saw at Invesco Field this weekend. Think about what we face in that other locker room. Think of their commitment. Think of their resolve.

And above all, consider the consequences of being Team Turmoil. Count the costs for our civil war. Remember, this isn’t sports, where we just lose a game (and I lose a week of unbearable gloating). This is politics, my friends. In this arena, we can lose a country.

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Free College! by Andy Peth

1/13/2015

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President Obama is promising two free years of Community College for everyone.

Outstanding! Once again, our president can make the fractured and squabbling Right look great by comparison! I’m reminded of our dazzling Midterm strategy, which consisted of pointing at Obama’s picture, while saying, “We’re not him.” Free college? My goodness. There must be someone truly unique on Obama’s team, as I didn’t know people with ideas this dumb could exist.

I mean it. Some people simply can’t exist. For instance, some teenage girls lust after boys. Such girls exist. But there are no teenage girls lusting after boys…who drive Smart Cars. Such girls don’t exist. Likewise, it’s a statistical fact that some American men secretly wish they were women. Such men exist. But there are no American men secretly wishing they were women…in the Middle East. Such men don’t exist.

Two free years of Community College? This is too easy. But since Obama brought it up, the following is what I would say—and indeed, have said—to young people on this topic:

1. Free College? I would never do that TO you.

2. Question: Right now, why do you get a High School degree?
Answer: It’s the Starting Line for getting a job, or pursuing further education.

3. Question: Why is it the Starting Line? Why isn’t 6th Grade? Or a Master’s Degree?
Answer: Because education is free through 12th Grade (13 years). Whatever is free, everyone has. Whatever everyone has, you need as a minimum to get started.

4. Question: So why get a College Degree?
Answer: To get an advantage—to get skills and credentials beyond what is free.

5. So, if we make 2 years of Community College free, now where is the Starting Line? 15 years.

6. Okay kids, let’s add up the results!

a. You must endure 2 more years of education just to reach the Starting Line.
b. Even then, you’ll have no advantage whatsoever.
c.  Do the math:

2 more years
  + No Advantage
= 2 years of your life…LOST.

d. Oh, but it gets worse: Increasing everyone’s “sentence” by 2 years costs billions of dollars, and this must be taxed out of the free market—you know, the very free market that employs you once you finally enter it.
e.  So let’s do the math again:

2 more years
+ No Advantage
  + Fewer Jobs
= Ummm…why are we doing this?

f. Oh, but it gets even worse: The free market just can’t afford all these higher taxes, so we’ll also have to add billions more to the National Debt, which will all be paid off by—guess who?—young people!
g.  So let’s do the math one more time:

2 more years
+ No Advantage
+ Fewer Jobs
  + More National Debt paid by young people with fewer jobs
= A Future where even Atheists beg for Christ’s Return

Hey, I’ve got an idea: Let’s do the opposite! What if we stripped K-12 education down to basics, mandating nothing beyond that which will help you succeed? What if schools were structured to educate, not advocate?

Think about it: No more listening to teachers’ opinions on sex, God, social justice, the environment, America—no more social engineering. Just math, English, science, computer skills—all that will be required is what you need, not what we want you to believe.

Will there be electives? Of course—but they will be optional. They will serve your interests, not our idea of what you must become. Music, sports, theatre, shop class—these will all be available.

Wait, you still want to learn opinions and philosophies? Great! But rather than let whoever runs school boards with 51% of the vote force their views on everyone else’s kids, why not let families choose their schools? That way, everyone learns the basics, and any opinions they’re taught will be guided by parents and kids, not politicians with agendas. Fair enough?

Here’s the best part: If we return schools to their original function—preparing kids to succeed—then it won’t take 15 years to reach the Starting Line. In fact, it won’t take 13 years. It will take 11. So, we shorten your education “sentence” and lengthen your time making money and living life. Oh, and this returns billions of dollars to the free market, meaning more jobs and less National Debt.

So there you have it: Two fewer years and no listening to teachers’ personal agendas unless you want to. If a family wants bias and opinion, they can choose it. You want teaching in the arts? Enjoy! You’d rather reach the Starting Line sooner? That’s your call. Go to college. Go earn money. Go date a guy in a Smart Car (they’re the kind propelled by feet racing underneath, like with the Flintstones).

Just, whatever you do, don’t vote for mindless Controlocrats who would push your life back two more years. There’s a big world waiting for you.

And fellow Conservatives, thanks to moronic ideas like these from the White House, there’s a big 2016 waiting for us. Let’s just explain Obama’s ideas, and say our favorite line:

“We’re not him.”

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The Joy of Vetoes by Andy Peth

1/7/2015

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“There are going to be some areas where we disagree and, you know, I haven't used the veto pen very often since I've been in office, partly because legislation that I objected to was typically blocked in the Senate even after the House took over — Republicans took over the House.

Now I suspect there are going to be some times where I've got to pull that pen out.”

—Barack Obama, in a 12/29/14 interview with NPR

Most power moves occur behind the scenes. They’re hard to pin down—unless, of course, your name is Gruber, and you’re “brilliant” enough to be taped. Backroom deals protect politicians. They block legislation. Moreover, the hit-and-miss nature of exposing these moves can leave critics looking like wild-eyed conspiracy kooks, tinfoil hat models, or worse yet, college profs. To corrupt leaders, it’s a win-win: They look good; their critics look bad.

For six years, President Obama used this advantage to the full, shielded by Harry Reid—the biggest yes man since Dr. Frankenstein sifted through applications and found Igor. Operating with impunity, Obamastein shouted, “It’s Alive!” over his ghoulish creation, Obamacare—that is, until millions of us torch-carrying peasants stormed his castle one November night.

“Master! The outsiders! They come! They come!!”

“Lower the gate, Igor! Hurry, you fool! HURRY!!”

Too late, pal. Igor got trampled. And those things coming your way aren’t really torches and pitchforks, but something much worse. They are bills. Bite-sized and clear, these are bills the American people will understand—not 2,700 page monstrosities. So break out that veto pen, buddy. Step out of the shadows. Let each blessed veto reveal your controlling agenda, as Americans get to see all the neat stuff you’ve denied them. Such as:

Freedom to choose what’s in their health plans…and what isn’t.
Freedom for young people to buy less coverage, rather than subsidizing everyone else.
Freedom not to pay penalties for refusing to buy overpriced health plans.
Freedom to treat employees well, without paying a “Cadillac Plan” punishment.
Freedom to use medical devices without paying added taxes.
Freedom to buy across state lines, thus opening up competition for consumers.
Freedom to use medical savings accounts, wherein we’re rewarded for watching our expenses.

Oh, but the carnage doesn’t end with Obamacare. Without Igor blocking the gate, Obamastein must deny Americans all sorts of popular goodies:

The Keystone Pipeline.
School vouchers for poor kids in Washington, DC.
A secure border.
Protections for American workers against an avalanche of cheap, foreign labor.
Expanded drilling on public lands.
Non-racist judges—you know, the kind who don’t single out white men as less likely to make good decisions than wise Latina women.
International treaties that actually benefit America.
A stronger military in a dangerous world.

Here’s the math: Senate Block = Control Hidden. Presidential Veto = Control Revealed.

You know what? I like vetoes! Wheeeeeeee!! Keep ‘em comin’, pal!

Over these past six years, Conservatives were flummoxed by how Obama polled so much higher than his views and actions. Okay, much of this sprung from the historic nature of his election, combined with fawning worship bestowed on him by academia, media, and the entertainment industry. To my recollection, no brain-dead starlet ever said of George Bush, "It would be wonderful if we were able to give this man all of the power that he needs,” or, "You're so handsome that I can't speak properly."

(As an aside, two things frustrate Gwyneth Paltrow: First, the rest of us are allowed to vote. Second, math. At the end of the movie, “Seven,” Gwyneth’s head was chopped off—and ever since, she’s split her time between expounding on politics and pointing at shiny things. Someone, please, for the sake of America’s sanity, return Gwyneth’s head)

But beyond God’s single mistake of creating Gwyneth Paltrow, Obama’s greatest asset has been a closed gate. Never exposed, he got to be the good guy. But no longer. The peasants are closing in.

Understand, this isn’t about our lame duck Dictator. I’m thinking 2016. The more Obamastein wields that magic pen, the more he campaigns for Republicans—especially if we take it slow, exacting the greatest pain with each stroke of ink. As I wrote in a previous article, don’t rush this, Republicans. Enjoy every minute. Let the American people keep up. And if Obamastein gives up and puts down his pen, we’ll pick apart his presidency. Either way, we win. Either way, his ghoulish creations are in great peril, as the fire approaches…

…mooahahahaha…

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Sony Drama by Andy Peth

1/2/2015

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Who hacked Sony?

The Obama Administration and FBI say it was North Korea. Norse—a leading Cyber Intel firm—insists North Korea had nothing to do with it, but that all signs point to a disgruntled, laid-off Sony employee (perhaps whoever wrote “Sex Tape”). And after weeks of studying footage obtained through global satellites, Al Sharpton concluded North Koreans aren’t white enough to commit crime.

Yep, it’s a puzzler.

The media world is buzzing over this controversy, as is Hollywood. “Our privacy has been violated!” they shout. “This security breach puts all Americans at risk! At least all the ones we know! Somebody DO SOMETHING!!!”

Ummmm…ever feel like a bunch of self-important snobs are insisting we care about their problems?

Seriously, what’s the big deal? This is Sony, not the Pentagon. Did North Korea discover film-making secrets that threaten the balance of power? Did they discover Dennis Rodman isn’t really a man, but rather a surveillance camera we covered with a wig and sunglasses, then scotch-taped on some earrings, and then wheeled into the palace to befriend Kim Jong Un? Did they find out who wrote “Sex Tape?”

Yes, I know, we should care about terror threats to movie theatres holding Americans, and the idea of Leftist regimes shutting down American business makes us want to kill commies. But do we REALLY care who REALLY hacked Sony’s little empire? Really? I mean, who doesn’t get hacked? Every college guy without muscles claims to have hacked NORAD with a laptop. “I hacked NORAD! I hacked NORAD! Oh yeah, I SHUT THEM DOWN!!” This impresses the babes—especially drunk ones having no idea what NORAD is. “You act more sad?...you lacked your dad?…you clip store ads?... (something slurred, inaudible) …OKAY, I’LL SLEEP WITH YOU.”

The Sony drama is not unlike what we see in the workplace:

“Who was looking through my reports? I swear they’re out of place. Why would someone touch my reports? This means we’re all at risk—at risk, I tell you! Don’t worry, I’ll get to the bottom of this, and I’ll share my findings with all of you! We’re in this together!” (Then, gazing away with a furrowed brow) “Someonnnnnnnne’s out to get me. But I have my allies! I’ll call in some favors…twist some arms…work some magic behind the scenes. You there—you’re my ally, aren’t you? Aren’t you?”

Comes the reply: “You make $600,000 a year. I work here for money to buy food. Can I return to my prison desk?”

Memo to Sony, Hollywood, the White House, and their adoring media: Thanks to your relentless attacks on Free Enterprise, most of us can’t afford to hyperventilate when some Communist, Jihadist, or leftist hacker disrupts your ivory towers—ivory towers that were built by the Capitalism you and your chaotic allies despise. We’re too broke, okay? We’re too busy paying punitive tax rates and soaring ticket prices—you know, those things funding your condescending lectures to us. And now, you expect us to care when you and your America-bashing cabal have some inner-office cyber tiff.

Buzz off.

North Korea? Disgruntled employee? How about North Korea working with a disgruntled employee? Maybe Sony didn’t check the background on some guy named Kim Jong Smith. Honestly, what does it matter which Lefty went Lefty on fellow Lefties? Who cares?

I’m a Righty. I don’t like you. I’m sort of glad you’re in pain. Part of me hopes you get hacked again. You see, while you were sobbing on Election Night this past November, we on the Right celebrated like we just blew up the meteor before it hit Earth. Even the convents and monasteries had toga parties. Zoos were unlatched, animals ran wild—feeding on each other as nature intended—kegs were hurled from office windows, Greenpeace marchers were herded into coal mines for hard labor…it was a crazy night. Good times.

But hey, Lefties, do get to the bottom of this latest scandal—it’s about time one matters to you. Solve the mystery. Send Al Sharpton, Dennis “The Camera” Rodman, and whoever wrote “Sex Tape” over to North Korea, where they can dig for clues to their hearts’ delight. Keep digging until you find something, guys. That way, if you find nothing, we’ll never see you again—and if you find something, we’ll never see you again.

Either way, it’s time for another party.

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