The Obama Administration and FBI say it was North Korea. Norse—a leading Cyber Intel firm—insists North Korea had nothing to do with it, but that all signs point to a disgruntled, laid-off Sony employee (perhaps whoever wrote “Sex Tape”). And after weeks of studying footage obtained through global satellites, Al Sharpton concluded North Koreans aren’t white enough to commit crime.
Yep, it’s a puzzler.
The media world is buzzing over this controversy, as is Hollywood. “Our privacy has been violated!” they shout. “This security breach puts all Americans at risk! At least all the ones we know! Somebody DO SOMETHING!!!”
Ummmm…ever feel like a bunch of self-important snobs are insisting we care about their problems?
Seriously, what’s the big deal? This is Sony, not the Pentagon. Did North Korea discover film-making secrets that threaten the balance of power? Did they discover Dennis Rodman isn’t really a man, but rather a surveillance camera we covered with a wig and sunglasses, then scotch-taped on some earrings, and then wheeled into the palace to befriend Kim Jong Un? Did they find out who wrote “Sex Tape?”
Yes, I know, we should care about terror threats to movie theatres holding Americans, and the idea of Leftist regimes shutting down American business makes us want to kill commies. But do we REALLY care who REALLY hacked Sony’s little empire? Really? I mean, who doesn’t get hacked? Every college guy without muscles claims to have hacked NORAD with a laptop. “I hacked NORAD! I hacked NORAD! Oh yeah, I SHUT THEM DOWN!!” This impresses the babes—especially drunk ones having no idea what NORAD is. “You act more sad?...you lacked your dad?…you clip store ads?... (something slurred, inaudible) …OKAY, I’LL SLEEP WITH YOU.”
The Sony drama is not unlike what we see in the workplace:
“Who was looking through my reports? I swear they’re out of place. Why would someone touch my reports? This means we’re all at risk—at risk, I tell you! Don’t worry, I’ll get to the bottom of this, and I’ll share my findings with all of you! We’re in this together!” (Then, gazing away with a furrowed brow) “Someonnnnnnnne’s out to get me. But I have my allies! I’ll call in some favors…twist some arms…work some magic behind the scenes. You there—you’re my ally, aren’t you? Aren’t you?”
Comes the reply: “You make $600,000 a year. I work here for money to buy food. Can I return to my prison desk?”
Memo to Sony, Hollywood, the White House, and their adoring media: Thanks to your relentless attacks on Free Enterprise, most of us can’t afford to hyperventilate when some Communist, Jihadist, or leftist hacker disrupts your ivory towers—ivory towers that were built by the Capitalism you and your chaotic allies despise. We’re too broke, okay? We’re too busy paying punitive tax rates and soaring ticket prices—you know, those things funding your condescending lectures to us. And now, you expect us to care when you and your America-bashing cabal have some inner-office cyber tiff.
North Korea? Disgruntled employee? How about North Korea working with a disgruntled employee? Maybe Sony didn’t check the background on some guy named Kim Jong Smith. Honestly, what does it matter which Lefty went Lefty on fellow Lefties? Who cares?
I’m a Righty. I don’t like you. I’m sort of glad you’re in pain. Part of me hopes you get hacked again. You see, while you were sobbing on Election Night this past November, we on the Right celebrated like we just blew up the meteor before it hit Earth. Even the convents and monasteries had toga parties. Zoos were unlatched, animals ran wild—feeding on each other as nature intended—kegs were hurled from office windows, Greenpeace marchers were herded into coal mines for hard labor…it was a crazy night. Good times.
But hey, Lefties, do get to the bottom of this latest scandal—it’s about time one matters to you. Solve the mystery. Send Al Sharpton, Dennis “The Camera” Rodman, and whoever wrote “Sex Tape” over to North Korea, where they can dig for clues to their hearts’ delight. Keep digging until you find something, guys. That way, if you find nothing, we’ll never see you again—and if you find something, we’ll never see you again.
Either way, it’s time for another party.