Russell Crowe has been cast to play "Noah." No, I'm not kidding. Naturally, this summons up thoughts of "Master and Commander"--another seafaring tale of woe for Mr. Crowe.
Here’s how I envision Russell Crowe’s “Noah”:
First of all, the Ark will be equipped with rows of cannon. As the massive guns are being loaded on—two by two—Stubby the first mate looks up at Noah and says, “Cap’n sir, seein’ as we’re the only ship on these here waters, well sir, it jus’ seems a bit excessive, weighin’ ourselves down with all forms o’ artillery.”
Noah remains silent, carefully lighting his pipe and taking a prolonged puff. Slowly, he lifts his gaze ‘neath his grotesquely oversized captain’s hat, and mutters, “Arrrr…”
Stubby continues: “The doves have taken up nestin’ in the long barrels, sir. Seems ya might be needin’ the doves at some point, doncha think, Cap’n?”
“Arrrr…matey, when first we fire on the enemy, them doves’ll suffer the same fate as all who oppose me…arrrr…”
“But Cap’n, seems ta’ me ya were tasked with protectin’ these here creatures. Blowin’ ‘em out ta’ sea in a cloud o’ feathers seems a bit counter ta yer instructions, doncha think, sir?”
“Arrrr… (Noah’s hat has fallen down over his eyes)…me only instructions be the law o’ the sea, matey. ..only the law o’ the sea…arrrr…keep ta the code…arrrr…”
Stubby persists: “Cap’n sir, I can’t helps but notice ya’ve also attached a harpoon launcher to the forward deck. Meanin’ no disrespect, sir, but for what purpose be ye plannin’ ta launch harpoons?”
“Thar’s a whale in these cursed waters, matey—as foul a creature as e’er swum the seas—an’ I means ta take ‘er down ta Davey Jones Lockerrrr.”
“An evil whale, Cap’n? Seems ta me, whales be more or less neutral in matters o’ morality.”
“Arrrr…we’ve tangled before, that whale an’ me. Took me leg clean off with nary a thought nor care.”
“Beggin’ yer pardon, sir, but ya still have yer legs.”
“Wrestled it back, I did! That whale had ne’er tussled with the likes o’ me afore! An’ next time (patting the launcher) will be the last time…arrrr…keep ta’ the code…arrrr…”
“Cap’n sir, the rains have begun somethin’ fierce.”
“Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…I’ve seen worse.”
“Still, sir, shall we close up an’ lay out ta sea?”
“Arrrr…that we will, matey. Ya better get below, whilst I survey the decks one more time. Thar’s a special bond between Cap’n an’ ship, matey, an’ we needs a moment alone afore we disembark.”
"Aye, sir. Yer an’ inspiration, sir.”
“Arrrr…”
Just as Stubby opens the door to go below, a woman bursts through it and runs toward Noah. Over gale-force winds, she calls out to her Master and Commander:
“Noah, I’ve spent the last ten hours cleaning up animal filth, and all you’ve done is walk around on the deck! Take off that idiotic hat, throw away that stupid pipe, get your @#!$ down here and help!!!”
“Woman, I am yer Cap’n, yer Master, an’ yer Commander! Tis a fearsome thing ta do, incurrin’ the wrath o’ he who holds yer fate in his very hands!!”
“Noah, we brought two lawyers on board.”
“Aaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrr…comin’, dear.”
Thus ends Russell Crowe’s, “Noah.” I smell an Oscar.
Here’s how I envision Russell Crowe’s “Noah”:
First of all, the Ark will be equipped with rows of cannon. As the massive guns are being loaded on—two by two—Stubby the first mate looks up at Noah and says, “Cap’n sir, seein’ as we’re the only ship on these here waters, well sir, it jus’ seems a bit excessive, weighin’ ourselves down with all forms o’ artillery.”
Noah remains silent, carefully lighting his pipe and taking a prolonged puff. Slowly, he lifts his gaze ‘neath his grotesquely oversized captain’s hat, and mutters, “Arrrr…”
Stubby continues: “The doves have taken up nestin’ in the long barrels, sir. Seems ya might be needin’ the doves at some point, doncha think, Cap’n?”
“Arrrr…matey, when first we fire on the enemy, them doves’ll suffer the same fate as all who oppose me…arrrr…”
“But Cap’n, seems ta’ me ya were tasked with protectin’ these here creatures. Blowin’ ‘em out ta’ sea in a cloud o’ feathers seems a bit counter ta yer instructions, doncha think, sir?”
“Arrrr… (Noah’s hat has fallen down over his eyes)…me only instructions be the law o’ the sea, matey. ..only the law o’ the sea…arrrr…keep ta the code…arrrr…”
Stubby persists: “Cap’n sir, I can’t helps but notice ya’ve also attached a harpoon launcher to the forward deck. Meanin’ no disrespect, sir, but for what purpose be ye plannin’ ta launch harpoons?”
“Thar’s a whale in these cursed waters, matey—as foul a creature as e’er swum the seas—an’ I means ta take ‘er down ta Davey Jones Lockerrrr.”
“An evil whale, Cap’n? Seems ta me, whales be more or less neutral in matters o’ morality.”
“Arrrr…we’ve tangled before, that whale an’ me. Took me leg clean off with nary a thought nor care.”
“Beggin’ yer pardon, sir, but ya still have yer legs.”
“Wrestled it back, I did! That whale had ne’er tussled with the likes o’ me afore! An’ next time (patting the launcher) will be the last time…arrrr…keep ta’ the code…arrrr…”
“Cap’n sir, the rains have begun somethin’ fierce.”
“Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…I’ve seen worse.”
“Still, sir, shall we close up an’ lay out ta sea?”
“Arrrr…that we will, matey. Ya better get below, whilst I survey the decks one more time. Thar’s a special bond between Cap’n an’ ship, matey, an’ we needs a moment alone afore we disembark.”
"Aye, sir. Yer an’ inspiration, sir.”
“Arrrr…”
Just as Stubby opens the door to go below, a woman bursts through it and runs toward Noah. Over gale-force winds, she calls out to her Master and Commander:
“Noah, I’ve spent the last ten hours cleaning up animal filth, and all you’ve done is walk around on the deck! Take off that idiotic hat, throw away that stupid pipe, get your @#!$ down here and help!!!”
“Woman, I am yer Cap’n, yer Master, an’ yer Commander! Tis a fearsome thing ta do, incurrin’ the wrath o’ he who holds yer fate in his very hands!!”
“Noah, we brought two lawyers on board.”
“Aaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrr…comin’, dear.”
Thus ends Russell Crowe’s, “Noah.” I smell an Oscar.
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