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My Own City By Andy Peth

6/12/2020

Today I am free.

For too long I’ve been held beneath my wife’s dominance, but now I have taken action. Seizing cushions from our couch and loveseat, I built a fort in the center of our living room. I call it my “Special Persons Autonomous Zone.”

Or, “SPAZ.”

Don’t misunderstand, SPAZ isn’t anarchy. It is not without government, as I have installed an Elmo doll as my official Warlord. Yes, Elmo rules with an iron fist—but I’m not scared. It is for my own good. Charging reasonable fees, Elmo assures me this protection money will keep all SPAZ businesses safe from common, reasonable pressures of our community, like burnings.

Thankfully, I’m not alone in my struggle. Seattle’s Mayor Jenny Durkan has already voiced her support, saying, “SPAZ isn’t terrorism; it’s patriotism.” I’m told she said the same for similar actions in her city. Honoring liberty, she calls SPAZ “a place for free speech, community, and self expression.” Well done, Mayor Durkan. Couldn’t have said it better myself.

Unfortunately, it’s been 20 minutes now, and supplies are running low. I’m starting to realize SPAZ has no resources of its own, except a Cliff Bar I looted from a nearby cabinet before walling myself in. Gotta make that last. But hey, it’s all good. This won’t be a Donner Party thing—at least I don’t think so—because I’m sure allies like Mayor Durkan will air-drop provisions. I just hope she can meet my extensive vegan demands, or I’ll never build a paradise like Seattle or Minneapolis.

Now there is some controversy, as not everyone recognizes the sovereign state of SPAZ. There has been pushback, most notably from a Trump-supporting faction I call, “Women Inflicting Fascism Everywhere,” or “WIFE.” Negotiations have stalled. Thus far, WIFE ignores my protests, even when I shout “Hey hey! Ho ho! Chick Flick Fridays have to go!” In a show of force, WIFE just callously turns up the volume on “The Wedding Planner.”

The sounds of tyranny, my brothers. The sounds of tyranny. Stay strong.

I accused WIFE of systemic oppression, then she reeled off tons of statistics showing otherwise—brow-beating me with numbers rather than hearing my pain. In response, I gave her the same statement she got from an actual Black Lives Matter advocate in an actual online debate:

“It doesn’t matter what the facts are if you’re on the wrong side of the issue.”

After a slight twitch from her left eye, WIFE asked what I wanted. I gave her a list of demands, including the immediate release of anyone matching my demographic from prisons everywhere, and the defunding of all authorities not named “Elmo.” After twitching again, she asked if she could count on Elmo’s help if our home was broken into during the night. Oh, I was ready for that one. Quoting Minneapolis City Council President Lisa Bender, I told WIFE her question “comes from a place of privilege.”

More twitching. Seems chronic. Could be COVID.

Anyway, my cause is just. WIFE may hold the remote—along with all functioning parts of the home—but not the truth! I have the truth, and I can live on that! When the nights turn cold, I’ll cover myself in truth! When supplies run out, I’ll eat truth! If necessary, I’ll use truth for sanitation purposes! WIFE thinks she has the upper hand, just because she runs everything everywhere that produces anything! But I have truth! And my truth can’t be measured by facts that don’t matter!

Sadly, only Elmo understands me, and that’s not good, since he just seized the Cliff Bar. When I asked if I could have the crumbs for nourishment, Elmo said he needed it all, since quality protection doesn’t come cheap. Then he hobbled me with a baton.

Man, freedom hurts.

To be honest, things started going south in SPAZ. I wanted to air my grievances with Elmo, but he just looked at me and casually mentioned he’s ticklish. That was…awkward. I mean, invitations to tickle my Warlord must violate harassment statutes, right?

I backed away to the opposite corner of my fort. SPAZ can be a scary place.

But now, the crisis is over. At long last, President Trump contacted WIFE and said if she doesn’t get control of her house, he will. He’ll send in the military, turn on some real movies that real human beings want to watch, and ship me to Guantanamo. There he’ll re-institute Enhanced Interrogation, without even asking me anything.

The threat worked. Apocalypse averted. WIFE has turned on U-571, which still has Matthew McConaughey, but it’s about war, submarines, and loud noises—so I can understand it. The cushions are back on the couch, and I’m not being water-boarded on an island somewhere.

All is well. Once again, we see a great truth in life: If you thoroughly annoy good people who have done nothing wrong, they’ll fold.

I learned it from Al Sharpton.

So be strong, my brothers. Find your inner strength. Deep down, there’s a SPAZ in all of us.

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Peaceful Idiots By Andy Peth

6/10/2020

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I support the right to protest peacefully. Let every voice be heard.

But on Sunday, I saw a group of white protesters carrying signs like “Black Lives Matter,” “White Silence is Violence,” and “I Can’t Breathe!” At times laying down to re-enact George Floyd’s death, these engaged youths gushed wokeness—at the expense of the poor cops providing safety.

“These protesters,” I thought, “are the ones we’re supposed to admire. They aren’t rioting. They aren’t throwing bricks. They just want to raise awareness toward the plight of black Americans in what they feel is a terrible, unjust society. They want social justice. But there is one little problem…”

“…they are the dumbest people I’ve ever seen. I mean, I love all people of all races equally, but these ‘peaceful’ white kids are just…just…”

“…peaceful idiots.”

Why did I think this? Because anyone who maintains a belief by avoiding facts is an idiot—and that’s what these woke children (some are in their 40’s) do. Running from real statistics faster than Bigfoot flees cameras, these kids are a blur in the woods.

Entranced by the idiocy, I listened for a while, but could only take a few minutes of virtue-signaling from brats who hadn’t done anything virtuous. On the off chance they’d chase it, I tossed a stick into traffic. It worked. I took out five. One protester rushed shouting at a terrified woman, so I had to sedate him with a tranquilizer gun I kept hitting him with.

Hey, those darts are expensive.

One girl was carrying a sign that read, “Justice for George!” I asked what justice would look like, and she screamed, “Death to all cops! And diversity training for the white ones!”

I asked two white cops if that upset them, and they said, “Not if the death part comes first.”

I lied and told the peaceful idiots, “I’m a Nazi. Yes, a literal Nazi.” So, they threw on masks out of fear I’d give them COVID. I’m still wrapping my head around that one... To lighten the mood, I tried getting the peaceful idiots to do the wave, but they all kept standing at the same time. I…I just couldn’t teach them. One guy tried to start a slow clap. Jeez, they were so lost.

I asked why they aligned themselves with violent rioters. After all, thanks to people on their side, businesses were boarded up in fear.

“We’re against violence!” they shouted. “This is a peaceful protest! They only do violence because Trump provokes them with his tweets!”

“Wait, you think the rioters spend their time…reading tweets?”

“Trump divides us all! He incites violence! It’s all because of him!”

“You think rioters are more influenced by a President they don’t listen to...than to you justifying their rage?”

This of course sounded too much like reason, so the protesters recoiled like vampires from sunlight. “Aaauugh! It burns!” they screeched. “Stop the burning! We must be like the ocean! Quick everyone, do a wave!”

(They all hopped)

“We’re protesting to show everyone George Floyd was murdered!”

“But everyone agrees with that.”

“Yeah! They sure do!”

“So you’re protesting something—"

“Yeah!"

“—where everyone already—"

“Oh yeah!"

“—agrees with you.”

“Yeah!”

“That’s like demanding statehood…for Iowa.”

(silence)

“You have no idea where that is, do you?”

“There is no Iowa! There is no statehood! You made it up! You lie like the Orange Man!”

Some more cops approached, bringing cappuccinos to their beleaguered comrades who had spent hours watching this mess. Shift change. Seeing them walk up, drinks in hand, the peaceful idiots panicked. One shouted out.

“Everyone lay down! Their horses won’t trample us if we lay down! I saw it on ‘Gandhi!’”

I couldn’t take this. “You realize these cops drive SUV’s, right?”

“We can’t breathe! We can’t breathe!”

"Try inhaling."

"What?!"

“George Floyd couldn't breathe because he was being tortured to death by a bad cop. You're just pampered brats wanting to act like you relate. Cut it out. Try inhaling.”

“You’re insensitive! You’re a monster like Drew Brees!”

“Monster? Drew Brees is a Saint—literally—and he called for everyone to work together while honoring a nation that lets us, you know, work together. For that, he was race-shamed by the NFL hate mob and forced to lie in a groveling apology—just so he could play the game he loves. Hasn’t he endured enough?”

Oops. Too much reason. Now they stopped retreating and became more aggressive. As their faces contorted, they began twitching and reaching out at me. One started gnawing on his sign. Pressing forward like zombies, they showed how peaceful idiots aren’t too peaceful when faced with honesty.

But hey, I was in an honest mood…

“Remember, you’re peaceful, right?” (They backed down) “So, you can peacefully listen to facts. You realize police kill more white people than black people, correct?”

“That’s because black people are only 13.4% of the population! Cops are more likely to kill black people! It’s systemic!”

Inwardly I winced, knowing these kids had never said “systemic” before a week ago. Many were still practicing their vowels. But I pressed on:

“Actually, when you factor in violent crime rates for each demographic, cops are more likely to kill white suspects than black ones. There is no institutional evidence of targeting black people. No systemic racism. Cops just interact with whoever commits crimes, and when people resist, force becomes necessary.”

“Those crime rates are because they target black communities!”

“No, they target crime communities—because, you know, cops fight…crimmmmme. Here are some real numbers, with real context: In the 5-year period from 2010-2014, white people comprised 62.7% of the population, and killed 980 black people.”

“Exactly! We’re murderers! We’re all guilty! Someone find a black person for us to bow to!”

(A couple black onlookers scurried off. One hid behind the cops.)

“Uh huh. Anyway, during that same time, black people comprised a mere 13% of the population, but that small group killed a staggering 2,181 white people.”

“Trump provoked them!”

“Obama was President.”

“Orange Man provoked them!”

“These numbers are from Obama’s FBI...okay? Anyway, when a group that much smaller kills that many more people, it amounts to the average black person being 973% more likely to kill a white person than the other way around—ABOUT 10 TIMES AS LIKELY.”

“You lie like the Orange Man! There is no Iowa!”

“Yeah!” yelled the slow clap guy. He then tried to start another slow clap. No takers.

I pressed on:

“In 2018, the Bureau of Justice recorded 607,725 Interracial Violent Incidents. 59,777 were white on black (9.84%), while 547,948 were black on white (90.16%). That’s a 9-1 ratio of interracial violence."

“You’re a racist! You think black people are more violent!”

“No, I think all people are the same. We all have rage. But if you spend decades telling any group its rage is justified—like you’re doing right now—you’ll unleash the worst elements of that group to be violent. They didn’t cause this. You did.”

“Aaauugh! It burns!”

(They hopped)

“We only want black people to protect themselves!”

“Protect themselves? Remember, the group committing 90% of Interracial Violence was far smaller, meaning the average black person wasn’t just 9 times as likely to commit violence against a white person, but about 40 times as likely. That’s a lot of protecting themselves.”

“It’s because cops patrol their neighborhoods more! Cops target black people, so they get higher numbers!”

“About 89% of black victims are black-on-black homicides. Is that because cops are targeting them?”

“You’re a racist! We’re peaceful!”

“Peaceful? You realize every group has violent members—”

“Cops are racists!”

“—and you’re telling one group’s members they’re literally hunted by cops and hated by white people—”

“Defund the cops!”

“—so that group’s violent members wind up assaulting the other group at 40 times the rate and killing at 10 times the rate—”

“You’re systemic! Stop being systemic!”

“—while you convince yourselves…you’re peaceful?”

“Orange Man bad!!!”

“Here’s what I think. I think activists like you have spent the past couple decades telling black people they’re being targeted by cops and attacked by white people. Drowning in that message, the black community has been influenced through urban schools, political rallies, media, sports, college campuses, comedy channels—everywhere dominated by your political party.”

(They were looking at me in dumbfounded silence. So, I continued)

“And meanwhile, your party has governed urban communities where virtually all the violence occurs. For decades, the black community has been almost solely influenced, educated, socialized, and governed by one party—your party. And now, you want to blame white people, cops, and some guy who sends tweets the rioters never read.”

“You lie!”

“In short, not only is your ‘peaceful protest’ wrong by all the numbers, it isn’t even peaceful. Instead, you excuse a group’s rage and then turn away. You light the fuse and run.”

“Lies!”

“You even blame a president whose only sin is treating black people exactly as he treats everyone else—no kid gloves, no pandering. Like with anyone else, Trump tells black people, ‘Quit whining, get to work and earn your way.’ Has it occurred to you that by treating them like everyone else, the Orange Man shows real respect when you don't?”

“You lie! Shame! Shame! Shame!”

“You want shame? After decades with your party, the black community is killing itself and others at alarming rates. But hey, they’ve held up better than I would. A few decades with your party excusing my rage, and I’d be a rabid dog! After all you've done to them, I think black people have been pretty restrained."

What happened next is best left unsaid, but I’m healing up just fine now. In the end, it’s easy to be “peaceful” when you program others to commit the violence. It’s easy to be “peaceful” when no one challenges you with facts. It’s especially easy to be “peaceful” when the cops you mock are the same ones guaranteeing your free speech.

But Black Lives Matters protesters—especially pampered white ones—aren’t “peaceful.” They’re just sheltered, both from reason and the consequences of their words. No, these raging lunatics kneeling and flopping face down in parks aren’t “peaceful” at all.

They’re just peaceful idiots.

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My Own City By Andy Peth

Peaceful Idiots By Andy Peth

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