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Luke and Daddy   by Andy Peth

3/17/2016

0 Comments

 
Picture
“Luke, I am your father!”
 
“No!  That’s not true!  That’s impossible!”
 
“Search your feelings!  You know it to be—”
 
“—I mean, my Dad leads the Empire?”
 
“Well, I wouldn’t say—”
 
“Then can I, like, borrow the Death Star tonight?  I’ve got a hot date!”
 
“You can’t drive an entire Death—”
 
“But it’s yours, right?”
 
“Actually, it’s the Emperor’s, but—”
 
“The old guy who hardly leaves his room?” 
 
 “That’s his Command Center—”
 
“Oh sorry…hardly leaves his (hand quotes in air) ‘Command Center.’”
 
“If you only knew the power of the Dark Side—”
 
“—like a crazy cat lady, talking to himself—”
 
“—the seductive power—”
 
“—feeding 20 cats, saying he’s their Emperor…did you just call him seductive?”
 
“Not him!  The Dark Side!”
 
“So to be clear, you’re not letting me borrow the Death Star, right?”
 
“Stop it!  He’ll hear you!”
 
“Over all those cats?”
 
“You don’t know the power of the Dark Side!”
 
“I know your boss is a shut-in who has 50 cats.”
 
“You have been summoned!  I must bring you to him!”
 
“Bring me to him?  To him?!  Judas, does he ever get out?!”
 
“Stop it!  I must obey my Master!”
 
“I am not going to see your ‘Master’ in his ‘Command Center!’  I don’t swing that way, pal.”
 
“He is the Emperor!  Don’t you see all these men marching and saluting?”
 
“I see ‘Master’ doesn’t employ any girls...”
 
“These are soldiers!  Evil soldiers!  They obey his every—”
 
“Do they visit his evil ‘Command Center’?”
 
“WILL YOU STOP THAT?!!”
 
“Look!  You cut off my hand—which HURT, by the way—then say you’re my Dad, and now you won’t loan me your only transportation!  What gives?”
 
“Son—”
 
“Hey, it’s cool…it’s only my hand…the hand of your son…”
 
“The Death Star isn’t mine!  It is the Emperor’s!”
 
“So what are you, evil middle management?  Jeez, my Dad is like a night supervisor at Taco Bell!”
 
“What?  Son, I am the second most powerful being in—”
 
“—in Taco Bell?  Do you keep everything ready in case the Emperor stops by for a spot check?”
 
“I DON’T WORK AT TACO FREAKING BELL!  I AM DARTH FREAKING VADER!!!”
 
“Right, no spot checks.  Dude never gets out.”
 
“Stop it!  Join me, and I will complete your training!”
 
“Whoa!  Like school?”
 
“In a sense, yes—”
 
“Just father and son?”
 
“Yes!”
 
“So this is like home-schooling!”
 
“What?  No!  It’s—”
 
“Pass!  How can I get socialized with Dad shielding me from all those ‘dangerous’ books and movies?”
 
“Shielding you?  I draw my power from pure evil!  I don’t care what you—”
 
“Cool!  No boundaries!  Evil Dad said so!” 
 
“No!  I didn’t say—”
 
“Can I borrow the Death Star?”
 
“Stop it!  Why must you borrow the Death Star?”
 
“I want to impress my girl!  Her name is Leah—”
 
“This is a moon-sized battle station!”
 
“—and kissing her felt perfectly natural!”
 
“Son, we must discuss your training—”
 
“Oh man, are we gonna have ‘The Talk?’”
 
“No, not that kind of training—”
 
“—‘cause most parents don’t do that in a black helmet and cloak.  Too negative—”
 
“—I’m speaking of your training in the—”
 
“—I mean, Steve’s dad used some visual aids, but there wasn’t any cloak—”
 
“—wrong talk—”
 
“—but then, Jessica’s dad did make her wear a helmet for months—” 
 
“—I said wrong talk—”
 
“—after she got caught with Steve—”
 
“—do young people ever listen?”
 
“—which was so unfair, since Steve was only trying out the visual aids—”
 
“LISTEN TO ME!  I DON’T CARE ABOUT ANY OF THIS!  I DON’T CARE ABOUT STEVE AND JESSICA!  I DON’T CARE ABOUT LEAH!  I’VE BEEN TRYING TO KILL LEAH!”
 
“Kill Leah?”
 
“Yes!  I’m evil!”
 
“Can you wait until after tonight?”
 
“AAAAAUUUUGH!!!”
 
“Dad, it’s one night!  After that, you can homeschool me—”
 
“—it’s not homeschooling—”
 
“—and I’ll stay inside, never seeing any girls—”
 
“—not homeschooling—”  
 
“—except my sisters—”
 
“—not homeschooling—”
 
“—but tonight, I want something more—”
 
“—still not homeschooling—”
 
“—because tonight isn’t about sisters!  Tonight I’m dating Leah!”
 
“Do young people ever listen?”
 
“All I ask is to pull up at her place driving something really cool!  Like a Death Star!  Your son, who..well, I hate to bring it up…but your son WHOSE HAND YOU CHOPPED OFF…yeah, that son—”
 
“I can choke you with the Force.”
 
“—that son just wants one tiny favor before being shuttered away in a convent for my training—”
 
“—convents are for women—”
 
“—oh sorry…shuttered away in a monastery with Dad—”
 
“CHOKE YOU I WILL!”
 
“—and some crazy cat lady guy—”
 
“NOW I’M TALKING LIKE YODA!  FREAKING YODA!”
 
 “—that son just wants the keys to the Death Star!  For one lousy night!”
 
“Enough!  You must come see the Emperor!”
 
“We’re off to see the Emperor?”
 
“Yes!”
 
“The wonderful Emperor of Death Star?”
 
“Yes!”
 
“When we arrive, will there be smoke and a giant floating head?”
 
“What?”
 
“And a voice saying, ‘Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain!’”
 
“I don’t follow—”
 
“—hundreds of cats scurrying around—”
 
“There are no cats!”
 
“If I ask for courage, will he give it to me?”
 
“Yes!”
 
“What if I ask for brains?”
 
“Please do!”
 
“And a heart?”
 
“Well…”
 
“So this Emperor will give me what I need to succeed?”
 
“Yes, Luke!  Yes!  It is your destiny!”
 
“I NEED A DEATH STAR!”
 
“YYYYAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!”  

(Darth slices off Luke’s head, laughing maniacally as it drifts down the endless chasm beneath.  He walks off the bridge, muttering to himself)
“Master, he perished in our battle…couldn't be helped…”
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Our Costly Civil War   by Andy Peth

3/14/2016

2 Comments

 
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Today, let me speak to fellow Conservatives about our GOP Civil War.
 
I believe Ted Cruz will be our nominee.  At this point, he needs to be.  Trump would lose the General Election, taking major numbers of House and Senate seats with him.
 
Do I “TrusTED?”  I trust he’ll govern conservatively, and that’s what matters. 
 
Can I support Ted as our nominee?  Easily, for three reasons:
 
  1. He agrees with virtually all my views.
  2. A few people who have treated me well will be very happy.
  3. His debate ability will likely be enough to defeat a mortally wounded Hillary.
 
But now, a word for all the Never-Trumpers out there. 
 
I’ve read your reasoning, I share your concerns, and I admire your willingness to forsake everything for principle—too few people are so grounded.  But please hear my next words and think upon them:
 
You’re hurting Ted.
 
Imagine if there were an enormous “Never-Cruz” movement among followers of the other GOP candidates (yes, some feel this way, but nothing near the consensus we see against Trump).  You would literally be told by huge numbers, “If Cruz is the candidate, we’ll stay home or vote Hillary!”  Now imagine one of their candidates beating Ted for the nomination. 
 
Here’s my question:  Would you be more likely, or less, to vote for their candidate?
 
Answer:  LESS.  MUCH, MUCH, MUCH LESS. 
 
Fact is, if Ted wins the nomination, his supporters will request the voting loyalty of supporters from all other candidates.  I’ve always said, “Don’t insult people by requesting more loyalty than you offer.”  Whatever we think of Trump, the fact remains he has opened our party to groups who long ago tuned us out, and we need to retain as many as possible—especially in a nation where demographic shifts won’t be kind to Ted Cruz.
 
To retain more, we need only treat their candidate--their choice—with the loyalty we’d request for Ted.
 
Please don’t lecture me on principle—I lost my family for principle.  I lost all I hold dear for Conservatism, and I’ll go to my grave with only my wife to bring flowers, because I saw a nation needing rescue from liberalism.  I know the stakes.  I know the cost.  I know the pain of pulling the lever for a candidate I neither admire nor embrace.
 
I know.
 
But by driving off huge numbers, we’re hurting Ted; not just his campaign against Hillary, but also in the Congressional numbers he’ll need to advance his agenda.
 
Do you TrusTED?  Then help Ted.  Don’t hurt Ted.  Find Trump supporters, tell them why you support Ted instead, but offer the loyalty you hope to request.  Tell them you see how Trump is better than Hillary (think “borders” “energy development,” “healthcare plan,” etc.), and then share how Ted does all this and more.  Help them imagine Ted slicing up Hillary in debate (they’ll like that, as do I).  Sell your guy, but understand that by declaring their guy “Equal to Hillary,” you’re insulting them right out the door--which in turn hurts your guy.
 
“Strategy” is not a dirty word.  “Loyalty” is not complicity.  Rather, these are marks of wisdom and vision, when faced with an enormous and unified Democrat Party.  You don’t beat such numbers with protest votes, but with strategic votes (and yes, I know the failings of Republicans we’ve elected).  You don’t slay such dragons by leaping upon your own sword to, pardon the pun, make a point. 
 
In this fractured, Constitution-deprived nation, we only win by earning the ear of others—including Trump supporters--first by praising where they are right.  Only then can we share where we feel they could be righter. 

I’ll close with an honest approach to numbers, taken from a rather principled guy named Jesus Christ.  Setting aside His greater salvation message, look at Christ’s simple wisdom—His frankness—in dealing with numerical realities:


“Suppose one of you wants to build a tower. Won’t you first sit down and estimate the cost to see if you have enough money to complete it? For if you lay the foundation and are not able to finish it, everyone who sees it will ridicule you, saying, ‘This person began to build and wasn’t able to finish.’
 
“Or suppose a king is about to go to war against another king. Won’t he first sit down and consider whether he is able with ten thousand men to oppose the one coming against him with twenty thousand? If he is not able, he will send a delegation while the other is still a long way off and will ask for terms of peace.”
 

Luke 14:28-32
Count the cost, people.  Not with hope.  Not with anger.  Not with anti-numbers idealism.  Just count.  How ironic it is, hearing Conservatives rightly cite polls when warning against a Trump candidacy, only to ignore the effects of driving away Trump’s supporters should Ted be nominated.  Ironic, and tragic.  For at the end of all our principles, there will be cold, hard numbers, staring us square in the face.
 
I don’t want to build a candidacy while ignoring the cost of our civil war, only to have Democrats mock us in the aftermath.  “Ha!  They couldn’t finish what they built!  They didn’t count the cost!”  I also don’t want to find myself making peace with Hillary because I foolishly brought ten thousand to the field when she brought twenty thousand.  (Okay, I’d never make peace with Hillary, but you get the idea)
 
I want the Presidency.  I also want the Senate, and a strong majority in the House.  The last thing I want is to send Ted to Washington, only to limit him with a weakened Congress.
 
I didn’t lose my family and all my roots (I was raised leftwing) only to sacrifice America on the altar of my pride.  I’m not willing to shout “No lesser of two evils!” when the numbers dictate a greater evil will consume our children’s future.  I can’t worry about how a president worse than Bush will reflect upon my party when Obama’s catastrophic policies are one election from being cemented in place. 
 
Sorry.  I’ve counted the cost, and our current civil war just isn’t worth the price.  Go to a veteran’s hospital, and watch these heroes recovering.  Go to a memorial.  Look up at an American flag.  Then walk to a park somewhere, and watch the children playing.  Think back.  Then think forward.
 
And when you’re done, sit down and count the cost one last time.
2 Comments

Detroit.  Fox.  Debate.   by Andy Peth

3/2/2016

0 Comments

 
Picture
MODERATOR:  “Good evening.  Before we begin, Senator Cruz and Senator Rubio have an announcement.
 
CRUZ:  “Thank you.  As we all know, Donald Trump is leading.  But he’s no conservative!  If Donald is elected, the Republican Party will be finished, and God will burn America to ashes in fiery wrath!”
 
RUBIO:  “It’s true!  I saw it in one of Ted’s mailers!”
 
CRUZ:  “Stop it, Marco!  Anyway, since desperate times call for desperate measures, Marco and I have decided to consolidate forces—”
 
RUBIO:  “We’re running as a ticket!”
 
CRUZ:  “—for the good of the country, staving off God’s fiery wrath—”
 
RUBIO:  “—besides, we’re a perfect team!  No one likes Ted, but he’s really smart—”
 
CRUZ:  “—Marco—”
 
RUBIO:  “—and lots of people like me—”
 
CRUZ:  “—Marco—”
 
RUBIO:  “—and together, we make at least one citizen!”
 
CRUZ:  “Marco, stop it, stop it, stop it!”
 
RUBIO:  “Good thinking, Ted!  Don’t want to peak too soon.”
 
MODERATOR:  “This is a major development!  Senator Rubio, who will hold the top spot on your ticket?”
 
RUBIO:  “There’s no hurry.  Once Donald is defeated, Ted and I will launch a detailed analysis of our relative skills, polling strengths, policy differences—the process should take a few weeks, after which we’ll form a consensus.” 
 
MODERATOR:  “Senator Cruz?”
 
CRUZ:  “Me.”
 
MODERATOR:  “I see.  Mr. Trump, do you have any comment?”
 
TRUMP:  “No, just this picture I’d like to share with Ted.  It’s Senator Jeff Sessions endorsing me.”
 
RUBIO:  “Ha!  Ted’s not falling for that!  It’s a fake!”
 
CRUZ:  “—Marco—”
 
TRUMP:  “And here’s a couple with famous preachers calling me a great Christian—”
 
RUBIO:  “Yeah, right!”
 
CRUZ:  “—Marco—”
 
TRUMP:  “And here’s Pat Robertson saying I inspire him!  Honestly, I was blushing.”
 
CRUZ:  “CAN WE PLEASE MOVE ON???”
 
MODERATOR:  “Of course, Senator.  Mr. Trump, both Senators Rubio and Cruz have released their tax records.  Will you release yours soon?”
 
TRUMP:  “I’d love to, but I’m being audited, so—”
 
MODERATOR:  “Actually, that doesn’t stop you from—”
 
TRUMP:  “—what was the question?  I got a bad ear piece.”
 
MODERATOR:  “We’re not using ear pieces, Mr. Trump.”
 
TRUMP:  “I do not support the KKK!”
 
MODERATOR:  “No one asked.  About those tax records—”
 
TRUMP:  “I barely know David Duke!”
 
MODERATOR:  “Mr. Trump, David Duke’s endorsement has nothing to do with—”
 
TRUMP:  “But I know he can’t drive his car in South Carolina, ‘cuz Nikki Haley banned the Confederate Flag he has on top!”
 
MODERATOR:  “That’s the Dukes of Hazzard, Mr. Trump.”
 
TRUMP:  “So I ask you, who’s the true white supremacist?  David Duke or Nikki Haley?”
 
MODERATOR:  “Well, she’s Indian, so—”
 
TRUMP:  “All I know is when those Duke boys jump their car over a ravine—”
 
MODERATOR:  “—wrong Dukes—”
 
TRUMP:  “—wearing their white hoods—”
 
MODERATOR:  “—that never happened—”
 
TRUMP:  “—robes flowing in the wind—”
 
MODERATOR:  “—please stop—”
 
TRUMP:  “—Megyn Kelly locked in the trunk—”
 
MODERATOR:  “—she’s right here—”
 
TRUMP:  “—I think, this is what’s great about America!”

(Long pause)
CRUZ:  “You see?  Fiery wrath!  Fiery wrath!”
 
RUBIO:  “Yeah!  Don’t fall for the con artist!”
 
MODERATOR:  “Speaking of that term, Senator Rubio, in the three days following the Houston debate, you referred to Donald Trump as a ‘con artist’ 178 times.”
 
RUBIO:  “It’s called, ‘message discipline.’”
 
MODERATOR:  “But doesn’t that seem a bit much?”
 
RUBIO:  “No—con artist—way!  I—con—always try to—artist—stay on point—con artist con artist con con connnnnnnnnn—” (Trump slaps him) “—artist.  Where was I?”
 
MODERATOR:  “Message discipline.”
 
RUBIO:  “That’s—con artist—right!  We have to expose the real Donald Trump…”  (turns to Trump)  “…because you sir…”
 
TRUMP:  “Uh huh.”
 
RUBIO:  “…are…”
 
TRUMP:  “Go ahead.”
 
RUBIO:  “…a…”
 
TRUMP:  “Spit it out.”
 
RUBIO:  “…aaaaaaa…”
 
TRUMP:  “JUST SAY IT ALREADY!!”
 
RUBIO:  “…CARTOONIST!”
 
CRUZ:  “Marco—”
 
MODERATOR:  “Is this true, Mr. Trump?”
 
TRUMP:  “Well, I dabble…but only in evil cartoonistry.”
 
CRUZ:  “I KNEW IT!  FIERY WRATH!!”
 
MODERATOR:  “Look, do either of you have anything substantive against Mr. Trump—I mean, besides the whole burning Apocalypse thing?”
 
CRUZ:  “No, that was my main concern.”
 
RUBIO:  “I do!  I’m still waiting for details on Donald’s Healthcare Plan!”
 
TRUMP:  “I told you last time, the problem is all those lines of people, circling around buildings!”
 
CRUZ:  “But how will you shorten those lines, Donald?”
 
TRUMP:  “By making them shorter!  That brings competition, and competition brings doctors…and veterans…and photo ops…and photo ops with veterans…and (garbled, unintelligible) …something, something…America Great Again!”
 
MODERATOR:  “But Mr. Trump, I believe Senator Cruz is asking how you’ll shorten the lines.”
 
TRUMP:  “You wanna know how?”
 
MODERATOR:  “Please.”
 
TRUMP:  “Okay, but no stealing the idea.”
 
CRUZ:  “JUST SAY IT!”
 
TRUMP:  “Two words:  Mass Deportations.”
 
MODERATOR:  “I’m sorry, what?”
 
TRUMP:  “Every line that gets over five people long, we deport the rest—”
 
CRUZ:  “—but you can’t—”
 
TRUMP:  “—and their families—”
 
CRUZ:  “—but—”
 
TRUMP:  “—it will be done humanely—”
 
CRUZ:  “—but—”
 
TRUMP:  “—and once the lines go down, we’ll bring back all the good patients.”
 
RUBIO:  “You cartoonist!—”
 
CRUZ:  “—con artist—”
 
RUBIO:  “—con artist!—”
 
CRUZ:  “—better—”
 
RUBIO:  “—letting them back in is Amnesty!”
 
CRUZ:  “Not helping, Marco.”
 
TRUMP:  “How dare you question me, you lightweight!  I inspire Pat Robertson!”
 
MODERATOR:  “Mr. Trump, about these faith-based endorsements.  While some pastors support you, others doubt your true beliefs.  So, let’s clear the air, right here, once and for all.  Are you a Christian?”
 
TRUMP:  “Can’t answer.  I’m under audit.”
 
CRUZ:  “See what I’ve been saying?  He’s a fraud!  An adulterous wretch—”
 
RUBIO:  “—a cartoonist!—”
 
CRUZ:  “—con artist—”
 
RUBIO:  “—con artist!—”
 
CRUZ:  “—A spawn of evil sent from the bowels of Hades—”
 
RUBIO:  “—who cons people!—”
 
CRUZ:  “—deceiving the masses with reality TV, dancing girls, and…and dark magic!  His wicked powers are drawn from allegiance to the Devil himself!”
 
TRUMP:  “I can neither confirm nor deny any of that…not during an audit.”
 
CRUZ:  “Listen, my brethren!  Heed my words and repent, lest this sinister fiend destroy your nation and make off with your children!”
 
RUBIO:  “Listen to us!  We’re a citizen!”
 
CRUZ:  “SHUT UP, MARCO!”
 
RUBIO:  “Which part?  The cartoonistry thing?”
 
CRUZ:  (head buried in hands) “No, not…just stop…”
 
RUBIO:  “Because I think that was working!”
 
MODERATOR:  “It’s time for closing statements.  Senator Rubio, you’re up first.”
 
RUBIO:  “Thank you.”  (staring straight ahead, eyes opened extremely wide) “Friends don’t let friends vote for cartoonists!”
 
MODERATOR:  “Senator Cruz?”
 
CRUZ:  (head banging on lectern) “This…day…can’t…get…any…worse…”
 
MODERATOR:  “Mr. Trump?”
 
TRUMP:  (holding up his phone) “Great news, Ted!  The Pope just endorsed me!”
(Trump and the Moderators walk off, leaving Cruz weeping softly at his lectern.
 Marco puts his hand on Ted's shoulder)
RUBIO:  “It’s okay, man.  We got each other.”
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