“Luke, I am your father!”
“No! That’s not true! That’s impossible!”
“Search your feelings! You know it to be—”
“—I mean, my Dad leads the Empire?”
“Well, I wouldn’t say—”
“Then can I, like, borrow the Death Star tonight? I’ve got a hot date!”
“You can’t drive an entire Death—”
“But it’s yours, right?”
“Actually, it’s the Emperor’s, but—”
“The old guy who hardly leaves his room?”
“That’s his Command Center—”
“Oh sorry…hardly leaves his (hand quotes in air) ‘Command Center.’”
“If you only knew the power of the Dark Side—”
“—like a crazy cat lady, talking to himself—”
“—the seductive power—”
“—feeding 20 cats, saying he’s their Emperor…did you just call him seductive?”
“Not him! The Dark Side!”
“So to be clear, you’re not letting me borrow the Death Star, right?”
“Stop it! He’ll hear you!”
“Over all those cats?”
“You don’t know the power of the Dark Side!”
“I know your boss is a shut-in who has 50 cats.”
“You have been summoned! I must bring you to him!”
“Bring me to him? To him?! Judas, does he ever get out?!”
“Stop it! I must obey my Master!”
“I am not going to see your ‘Master’ in his ‘Command Center!’ I don’t swing that way, pal.”
“He is the Emperor! Don’t you see all these men marching and saluting?”
“I see ‘Master’ doesn’t employ any girls...”
“These are soldiers! Evil soldiers! They obey his every—”
“Do they visit his evil ‘Command Center’?”
“WILL YOU STOP THAT?!!”
“Look! You cut off my hand—which HURT, by the way—then say you’re my Dad, and now you won’t loan me your only transportation! What gives?”
“Son—”
“Hey, it’s cool…it’s only my hand…the hand of your son…”
“The Death Star isn’t mine! It is the Emperor’s!”
“So what are you, evil middle management? Jeez, my Dad is like a night supervisor at Taco Bell!”
“What? Son, I am the second most powerful being in—”
“—in Taco Bell? Do you keep everything ready in case the Emperor stops by for a spot check?”
“I DON’T WORK AT TACO FREAKING BELL! I AM DARTH FREAKING VADER!!!”
“Right, no spot checks. Dude never gets out.”
“Stop it! Join me, and I will complete your training!”
“Whoa! Like school?”
“In a sense, yes—”
“Just father and son?”
“Yes!”
“So this is like home-schooling!”
“What? No! It’s—”
“Pass! How can I get socialized with Dad shielding me from all those ‘dangerous’ books and movies?”
“Shielding you? I draw my power from pure evil! I don’t care what you—”
“Cool! No boundaries! Evil Dad said so!”
“No! I didn’t say—”
“Can I borrow the Death Star?”
“Stop it! Why must you borrow the Death Star?”
“I want to impress my girl! Her name is Leah—”
“This is a moon-sized battle station!”
“—and kissing her felt perfectly natural!”
“Son, we must discuss your training—”
“Oh man, are we gonna have ‘The Talk?’”
“No, not that kind of training—”
“—‘cause most parents don’t do that in a black helmet and cloak. Too negative—”
“—I’m speaking of your training in the—”
“—I mean, Steve’s dad used some visual aids, but there wasn’t any cloak—”
“—wrong talk—”
“—but then, Jessica’s dad did make her wear a helmet for months—”
“—I said wrong talk—”
“—after she got caught with Steve—”
“—do young people ever listen?”
“—which was so unfair, since Steve was only trying out the visual aids—”
“LISTEN TO ME! I DON’T CARE ABOUT ANY OF THIS! I DON’T CARE ABOUT STEVE AND JESSICA! I DON’T CARE ABOUT LEAH! I’VE BEEN TRYING TO KILL LEAH!”
“Kill Leah?”
“Yes! I’m evil!”
“Can you wait until after tonight?”
“AAAAAUUUUGH!!!”
“Dad, it’s one night! After that, you can homeschool me—”
“—it’s not homeschooling—”
“—and I’ll stay inside, never seeing any girls—”
“—not homeschooling—”
“—except my sisters—”
“—not homeschooling—”
“—but tonight, I want something more—”
“—still not homeschooling—”
“—because tonight isn’t about sisters! Tonight I’m dating Leah!”
“Do young people ever listen?”
“All I ask is to pull up at her place driving something really cool! Like a Death Star! Your son, who..well, I hate to bring it up…but your son WHOSE HAND YOU CHOPPED OFF…yeah, that son—”
“I can choke you with the Force.”
“—that son just wants one tiny favor before being shuttered away in a convent for my training—”
“—convents are for women—”
“—oh sorry…shuttered away in a monastery with Dad—”
“CHOKE YOU I WILL!”
“—and some crazy cat lady guy—”
“NOW I’M TALKING LIKE YODA! FREAKING YODA!”
“—that son just wants the keys to the Death Star! For one lousy night!”
“Enough! You must come see the Emperor!”
“We’re off to see the Emperor?”
“Yes!”
“The wonderful Emperor of Death Star?”
“Yes!”
“When we arrive, will there be smoke and a giant floating head?”
“What?”
“And a voice saying, ‘Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain!’”
“I don’t follow—”
“—hundreds of cats scurrying around—”
“There are no cats!”
“If I ask for courage, will he give it to me?”
“Yes!”
“What if I ask for brains?”
“Please do!”
“And a heart?”
“Well…”
“So this Emperor will give me what I need to succeed?”
“Yes, Luke! Yes! It is your destiny!”
“I NEED A DEATH STAR!”
“YYYYAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!”
“No! That’s not true! That’s impossible!”
“Search your feelings! You know it to be—”
“—I mean, my Dad leads the Empire?”
“Well, I wouldn’t say—”
“Then can I, like, borrow the Death Star tonight? I’ve got a hot date!”
“You can’t drive an entire Death—”
“But it’s yours, right?”
“Actually, it’s the Emperor’s, but—”
“The old guy who hardly leaves his room?”
“That’s his Command Center—”
“Oh sorry…hardly leaves his (hand quotes in air) ‘Command Center.’”
“If you only knew the power of the Dark Side—”
“—like a crazy cat lady, talking to himself—”
“—the seductive power—”
“—feeding 20 cats, saying he’s their Emperor…did you just call him seductive?”
“Not him! The Dark Side!”
“So to be clear, you’re not letting me borrow the Death Star, right?”
“Stop it! He’ll hear you!”
“Over all those cats?”
“You don’t know the power of the Dark Side!”
“I know your boss is a shut-in who has 50 cats.”
“You have been summoned! I must bring you to him!”
“Bring me to him? To him?! Judas, does he ever get out?!”
“Stop it! I must obey my Master!”
“I am not going to see your ‘Master’ in his ‘Command Center!’ I don’t swing that way, pal.”
“He is the Emperor! Don’t you see all these men marching and saluting?”
“I see ‘Master’ doesn’t employ any girls...”
“These are soldiers! Evil soldiers! They obey his every—”
“Do they visit his evil ‘Command Center’?”
“WILL YOU STOP THAT?!!”
“Look! You cut off my hand—which HURT, by the way—then say you’re my Dad, and now you won’t loan me your only transportation! What gives?”
“Son—”
“Hey, it’s cool…it’s only my hand…the hand of your son…”
“The Death Star isn’t mine! It is the Emperor’s!”
“So what are you, evil middle management? Jeez, my Dad is like a night supervisor at Taco Bell!”
“What? Son, I am the second most powerful being in—”
“—in Taco Bell? Do you keep everything ready in case the Emperor stops by for a spot check?”
“I DON’T WORK AT TACO FREAKING BELL! I AM DARTH FREAKING VADER!!!”
“Right, no spot checks. Dude never gets out.”
“Stop it! Join me, and I will complete your training!”
“Whoa! Like school?”
“In a sense, yes—”
“Just father and son?”
“Yes!”
“So this is like home-schooling!”
“What? No! It’s—”
“Pass! How can I get socialized with Dad shielding me from all those ‘dangerous’ books and movies?”
“Shielding you? I draw my power from pure evil! I don’t care what you—”
“Cool! No boundaries! Evil Dad said so!”
“No! I didn’t say—”
“Can I borrow the Death Star?”
“Stop it! Why must you borrow the Death Star?”
“I want to impress my girl! Her name is Leah—”
“This is a moon-sized battle station!”
“—and kissing her felt perfectly natural!”
“Son, we must discuss your training—”
“Oh man, are we gonna have ‘The Talk?’”
“No, not that kind of training—”
“—‘cause most parents don’t do that in a black helmet and cloak. Too negative—”
“—I’m speaking of your training in the—”
“—I mean, Steve’s dad used some visual aids, but there wasn’t any cloak—”
“—wrong talk—”
“—but then, Jessica’s dad did make her wear a helmet for months—”
“—I said wrong talk—”
“—after she got caught with Steve—”
“—do young people ever listen?”
“—which was so unfair, since Steve was only trying out the visual aids—”
“LISTEN TO ME! I DON’T CARE ABOUT ANY OF THIS! I DON’T CARE ABOUT STEVE AND JESSICA! I DON’T CARE ABOUT LEAH! I’VE BEEN TRYING TO KILL LEAH!”
“Kill Leah?”
“Yes! I’m evil!”
“Can you wait until after tonight?”
“AAAAAUUUUGH!!!”
“Dad, it’s one night! After that, you can homeschool me—”
“—it’s not homeschooling—”
“—and I’ll stay inside, never seeing any girls—”
“—not homeschooling—”
“—except my sisters—”
“—not homeschooling—”
“—but tonight, I want something more—”
“—still not homeschooling—”
“—because tonight isn’t about sisters! Tonight I’m dating Leah!”
“Do young people ever listen?”
“All I ask is to pull up at her place driving something really cool! Like a Death Star! Your son, who..well, I hate to bring it up…but your son WHOSE HAND YOU CHOPPED OFF…yeah, that son—”
“I can choke you with the Force.”
“—that son just wants one tiny favor before being shuttered away in a convent for my training—”
“—convents are for women—”
“—oh sorry…shuttered away in a monastery with Dad—”
“CHOKE YOU I WILL!”
“—and some crazy cat lady guy—”
“NOW I’M TALKING LIKE YODA! FREAKING YODA!”
“—that son just wants the keys to the Death Star! For one lousy night!”
“Enough! You must come see the Emperor!”
“We’re off to see the Emperor?”
“Yes!”
“The wonderful Emperor of Death Star?”
“Yes!”
“When we arrive, will there be smoke and a giant floating head?”
“What?”
“And a voice saying, ‘Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain!’”
“I don’t follow—”
“—hundreds of cats scurrying around—”
“There are no cats!”
“If I ask for courage, will he give it to me?”
“Yes!”
“What if I ask for brains?”
“Please do!”
“And a heart?”
“Well…”
“So this Emperor will give me what I need to succeed?”
“Yes, Luke! Yes! It is your destiny!”
“I NEED A DEATH STAR!”
“YYYYAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!”
(Darth slices off Luke’s head, laughing maniacally as it drifts down the endless chasm beneath. He walks off the bridge, muttering to himself)
“Master, he perished in our battle…couldn't be helped…”
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