But is “learning” the big reason to reopen? That’s not what I hear from parents and politicians. Rather than hopes of kids learning in public schools, I overwhelmingly hear about free childcare and meals. “I have a job,” they say, “and I can’t afford daycare.” Or, “What will kids eat without school lunches?”
Free babysitting and food—these dominate the discussion. Sure, I sympathize. I do! But it gets me wondering, are my tax dollars just funding other peoples’ childcare? Are we really educating a workforce, or just letting the government raise kids?
After all, look at the product. I’ve managed young employees produced by our schools, and their writing skills were laughable. Don’t believe me? Try asking them to structure a paragraph, and they’ll churn out something little better than what you’d get from zombie mice staggering across a keyboard. In urban schools especially, kids can barely read their own protest signs.
“What are you protesting, son?”
He points at the sign. “This!”
“Really? And what is ‘This?’”
“Hey, leave me alone! I got out of class for this! And I’m getting an ‘A!’ Did you know ‘A’ is one of the most important vowels? I’M IMPORTANT!”
“Yes, I’m sure you’ll win valedictorian.”
“Too late, dude. They gave it to some zombie mouse. The system is so rigged!”
Babysitting and food, babysitting and food. Tell me, parents, do kids stop eating during the summer? Do you just have them frozen for months at a time?
“Hi! Meet my wife Kate, and these blocks of ice are Billy and Renee. Why are we dragging them behind us with a rope? It’s to simulate ‘play.’ But don’t worry, when school starts up, we can thaw them and haul them to the nearest Daycare Elementary. There, they will write the finest protest signs known to man!”
Today’s public schools are about babysitting and food, and for these tax-funded luxuries, parents allow their kids to become Bernie zealots inside the cell walls of academia. Pacifying us with kiddie care and food, schools get to train barely literate activists—puppets, really, who panic at hearing dissenting views in their bubble-wrapped safe space.
Maybe we could do less damage by simply herding kids into those penitentiaries being emptied by Democrat Governors to fight COVID. For exercise, the kids could pump iron in the yard, or enjoy a rousing game of “Dodge the Shiv.” At lunchtime, they’d feast on “Mammal Chow” food pellets—dispensed down chutes by East German ladies in hairnets.
Hey, at least it would be cheaper. But alas, there would be a stigma, as prison looks almost as bad on a job app as graduating High School in Baltimore. Either way, you’re scarred for life.
Mr. President, do I want kids back in school? Sure! I just wish school was more than free babysitting and food.
At least then, the protest signs would make more sense.