MEGYN KELLY: “I first want to welcome all our fine candidates, and Donald Trump.”
BUSH: “Ha! Did you catch that? That was an insult! And I think it was aimed at Donald!”
MEGYN KELLY: “Let’s begin the debate with a question that hasn’t been asked of late, but really gets to the heart of each candidate’s priorities: What will you do on your first day in office? We’ll start with Donald Trump.”
TRUMP: “Thank you, Megyn. On my first day in office, to honor Ted Cruz—”
CRUZ: “Hey now—”
TRUMP: “—I will have all our Armed Forces change their uniforms—”
CRUZ: “—please don’t—”
TRUMP: “—to those of the Canadian Mounties.”
CRUZ: “Oh, come on! I mean it, come on! This is what’s wrong with Donald Trump! What if I have all our soldiers reflect New York City values, huh? Huh? I could dress them all as 1970’s pimps! In purple suits!”
RUBIO: “Actually, those might work with my shoes.”
TRUMP: “As I was saying before being rudely interrupted…you know, by the Senator who hates 911 First Responders—”
CRUZ: “Stop it!”
TRUMP: “—each soldier under my command—”
CRUZ: “Cut it out!”
TRUMP: “—will ride his own moose.”
KASICH: “Really? Can I have one? I mean, if it’s just federal dollars anyway, I say expand it!”
TRUMP: “I don’t know, John, we’re already gonna need a lot of mooses…or meese…moosi? Hey Ted, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’”
CRUZ: “It’s ‘Moose,’ you idiot! The plural of ‘Moose’ is ‘Moose!’”
TRUMP: “You said that awful quick. So it’s a flock of moose?”
CRUZ: “Not a flock! A herd! It’s a herd of moose!”
TRUMP: “I rest my case.”
CRUZ: “Gahh!”
BRET BAIER: “Okay, who’s next?”
SANDERS: “Stop calling me a Communist!”
CHRISTIE: “Wait, what is Bernie doing here?”
SANDERS: “What?”
CHRISTIE: (Louder) “I said, WHAT IS BERNIE DOING HERE?”
SANDERS: “I couldn’t stand the other debate anymore! Did you know Hillary gestures with her hand every syllable? Up and down, up and down, it’s like she’s following the bouncing ball while reading her prompter! My head started bobbing, I got dizzy—did you notice I’ve gained weight?”
CHRISTIE: “I think you’re derailing, Bernie.”
SANDERS: “What?”
CHRISTIE: (Louder) “I THINK YOU’RE DE—LOOK, WHY ARE YOU HERE?”
SANDERS: “I’m not a Communist!”
CHRISTIE: “WHY…ARE…YOU…HERE?”
SANDERS: “My first day in office?”
CHRISTIE: “NO, I SAID—”
SANDERS: “On my first day in office, I will stop everyone from calling me a Communist! On my second day, I will force every American to start calling his personal journal a ‘manifesto.’”
KASICH: “Sounds reasonable. As long as it’s subsidized.”
SANDERS: “What?”
KASICH and CHRISTIE: “WHY ARE YOU HERE?”
SANDERS: “Well, she gestured every syllable, I got confused, and…there was a bathroom break, and…and…and I got lost.”
CARSON: “Oh, you poor man.”
SANDERS: “This wasn’t supposed to happen! I hired the best handlers—or they were supposed to be the best! You know, the ads look good, but ‘Visiting Angels’ are highly overrated!”
CARSON: “Let me help you back to your debate.”
SANDERS: “Are you a doctor? Well, everything that’s in me stays in me, pal! No surgery! Unless it’s on a good deal! Wait, maybe I have a coupon…”
CARSON: (To the Moderators) “It’s okay, I’ll take him back.”
BRET BAIER: “Go ahead. You’ve already used up your time.”
BUSH: “Can we get back to the debate? I need this before Iowa’s Caucuses! My internal polls have me running behind Trump, Cruz, Rubio, Carson, and one write-in vote for Dan Quayle!”
KASICH: “Maybe Iowa’s out of reach, Jeb—”
BUSH: “That’s our new campaign motto: ‘Gunning for Quayle!’”
KASICH: “Yikes.”
TRUMP: “Okay, if Jeb’s done—get it?—if Jeb’s done?”
BUSH: “Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute! (Long pause) No, I don’t get it.”
TRUMP: “Anyway, if Jeb’s done, I’m proud to announce I’ve been endorsed by Jesus Christ.”
MEGYN KELLY: “You mean Jerry Falwell, Jr.?”
TRUMP: “Well, Jesus, a sales rep for Jesus, tomato, tom-ah-to—the important thing here is that God hates Ted Cruz.”
CRUZ: “That is blasphemous, Donald! Blasphemous! I rebuke this unholy spirit of New York values, and call upon the Almighty to smite thy homeland!”
TRUMP: “Oh yeah, young voters are gonna love you.”
CRUZ: “Excuse me?”
TRUMP: “Seriously, your style really ‘relates.’ You ‘connect.’”
PAUL: “Hey, can I say something?”
CHRISTIE: “Why, because you made the top debate? I notice the undercard was beneath you.”
PAUL: “What’s your point?”
CHRISTIE: “I started on the undercard and worked my way up. You dropped. Welcome to the free market, Mr. Liberty.”
PAUL: “That was a market decision! And hey, maybe that debate was beneath me!”
RUBIO: “And me.”
CRUZ: “And me.”
TRUMP: “And Jesus.”
MEGYN KELLY: “Okay, that’s enough!
BUSH: “Wait! Wait! (Long pause) And me.”
MEGYN KELLY: “I can’t take any more of this. We’re calling the debate right now. Ladies and Gentlemen, we at Fox News want to thank you all for your—”
A VOICE FROM OFFSTAGE: “Wait!”
(Bernie Sanders staggers back in)
SANDERS: “Some guy was following me, but I lost him.” (Looks around) “Did I win?”
BUSH: “Ha! Did you catch that? That was an insult! And I think it was aimed at Donald!”
MEGYN KELLY: “Let’s begin the debate with a question that hasn’t been asked of late, but really gets to the heart of each candidate’s priorities: What will you do on your first day in office? We’ll start with Donald Trump.”
TRUMP: “Thank you, Megyn. On my first day in office, to honor Ted Cruz—”
CRUZ: “Hey now—”
TRUMP: “—I will have all our Armed Forces change their uniforms—”
CRUZ: “—please don’t—”
TRUMP: “—to those of the Canadian Mounties.”
CRUZ: “Oh, come on! I mean it, come on! This is what’s wrong with Donald Trump! What if I have all our soldiers reflect New York City values, huh? Huh? I could dress them all as 1970’s pimps! In purple suits!”
RUBIO: “Actually, those might work with my shoes.”
TRUMP: “As I was saying before being rudely interrupted…you know, by the Senator who hates 911 First Responders—”
CRUZ: “Stop it!”
TRUMP: “—each soldier under my command—”
CRUZ: “Cut it out!”
TRUMP: “—will ride his own moose.”
KASICH: “Really? Can I have one? I mean, if it’s just federal dollars anyway, I say expand it!”
TRUMP: “I don’t know, John, we’re already gonna need a lot of mooses…or meese…moosi? Hey Ted, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’”
CRUZ: “It’s ‘Moose,’ you idiot! The plural of ‘Moose’ is ‘Moose!’”
TRUMP: “You said that awful quick. So it’s a flock of moose?”
CRUZ: “Not a flock! A herd! It’s a herd of moose!”
TRUMP: “I rest my case.”
CRUZ: “Gahh!”
BRET BAIER: “Okay, who’s next?”
SANDERS: “Stop calling me a Communist!”
CHRISTIE: “Wait, what is Bernie doing here?”
SANDERS: “What?”
CHRISTIE: (Louder) “I said, WHAT IS BERNIE DOING HERE?”
SANDERS: “I couldn’t stand the other debate anymore! Did you know Hillary gestures with her hand every syllable? Up and down, up and down, it’s like she’s following the bouncing ball while reading her prompter! My head started bobbing, I got dizzy—did you notice I’ve gained weight?”
CHRISTIE: “I think you’re derailing, Bernie.”
SANDERS: “What?”
CHRISTIE: (Louder) “I THINK YOU’RE DE—LOOK, WHY ARE YOU HERE?”
SANDERS: “I’m not a Communist!”
CHRISTIE: “WHY…ARE…YOU…HERE?”
SANDERS: “My first day in office?”
CHRISTIE: “NO, I SAID—”
SANDERS: “On my first day in office, I will stop everyone from calling me a Communist! On my second day, I will force every American to start calling his personal journal a ‘manifesto.’”
KASICH: “Sounds reasonable. As long as it’s subsidized.”
SANDERS: “What?”
KASICH and CHRISTIE: “WHY ARE YOU HERE?”
SANDERS: “Well, she gestured every syllable, I got confused, and…there was a bathroom break, and…and…and I got lost.”
CARSON: “Oh, you poor man.”
SANDERS: “This wasn’t supposed to happen! I hired the best handlers—or they were supposed to be the best! You know, the ads look good, but ‘Visiting Angels’ are highly overrated!”
CARSON: “Let me help you back to your debate.”
SANDERS: “Are you a doctor? Well, everything that’s in me stays in me, pal! No surgery! Unless it’s on a good deal! Wait, maybe I have a coupon…”
CARSON: (To the Moderators) “It’s okay, I’ll take him back.”
BRET BAIER: “Go ahead. You’ve already used up your time.”
BUSH: “Can we get back to the debate? I need this before Iowa’s Caucuses! My internal polls have me running behind Trump, Cruz, Rubio, Carson, and one write-in vote for Dan Quayle!”
KASICH: “Maybe Iowa’s out of reach, Jeb—”
BUSH: “That’s our new campaign motto: ‘Gunning for Quayle!’”
KASICH: “Yikes.”
TRUMP: “Okay, if Jeb’s done—get it?—if Jeb’s done?”
BUSH: “Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute! (Long pause) No, I don’t get it.”
TRUMP: “Anyway, if Jeb’s done, I’m proud to announce I’ve been endorsed by Jesus Christ.”
MEGYN KELLY: “You mean Jerry Falwell, Jr.?”
TRUMP: “Well, Jesus, a sales rep for Jesus, tomato, tom-ah-to—the important thing here is that God hates Ted Cruz.”
CRUZ: “That is blasphemous, Donald! Blasphemous! I rebuke this unholy spirit of New York values, and call upon the Almighty to smite thy homeland!”
TRUMP: “Oh yeah, young voters are gonna love you.”
CRUZ: “Excuse me?”
TRUMP: “Seriously, your style really ‘relates.’ You ‘connect.’”
PAUL: “Hey, can I say something?”
CHRISTIE: “Why, because you made the top debate? I notice the undercard was beneath you.”
PAUL: “What’s your point?”
CHRISTIE: “I started on the undercard and worked my way up. You dropped. Welcome to the free market, Mr. Liberty.”
PAUL: “That was a market decision! And hey, maybe that debate was beneath me!”
RUBIO: “And me.”
CRUZ: “And me.”
TRUMP: “And Jesus.”
MEGYN KELLY: “Okay, that’s enough!
BUSH: “Wait! Wait! (Long pause) And me.”
MEGYN KELLY: “I can’t take any more of this. We’re calling the debate right now. Ladies and Gentlemen, we at Fox News want to thank you all for your—”
A VOICE FROM OFFSTAGE: “Wait!”
(Bernie Sanders staggers back in)
SANDERS: “Some guy was following me, but I lost him.” (Looks around) “Did I win?”
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