And now, giving the Republican Response to the State of the Union address, here is South Carolina Governor, Nikki Haley (her actual comments are underlined):
“I’m Nikki Haley, Governor of the great state of South Carolina.”
“I’m speaking tonight from Columbia, our state’s capital city. Much like America as a whole, ours is a state with a rich and complicated history, one that proves the idea that each day can be better than the last. Or it can be worse. Or the same. Life’s like a box of chocolates, but one thing’s for sure: Each day will come after the previous day on the calendar. Yes, I think we can all learn from that. Yes.”
“Today, we live in a time of threats like few others in recent memory. During anxious times, it can be tempting to follow the siren call of the angriest voices. We must resist that temptation. That is why I’m speaking to you in soothing monotone, with all of my syllables equidistantly spaced, plodding in formation with the same sedating effect that has worked so well in previous State of the Union responses. This is much more fun than hearing Trump in front of a raucous crowd, right? Yes. Yes it is.”
“While Democrats in Washington bear much responsibility for the problems facing America today, they do not bear it alone. There is more than enough blame to go around.”
“We as Republicans need to own that truth. We need to recognize our contributions to the erosion of the public trust in America’s leadership. We need to accept that we’ve played a role in how and why our government is broken. Our President, while apologizing for America—over and over—once nobly spoke, ‘there have been times where America has shown arrogance and been dismissive, even derisive.’”
“I feel his strategy strengthened America’s place in the world. Everyone really respects us now! We’re like, sooooo popular! Following his lead, I think my party should apologize, pandering with self-doubt, in hopes that cowering before lawless opponents will impress Americans with our strength. That’s why, today, I’m proposing a new, catchy, inspirational slogan for the Republican Party:
(Flashing across the screen) ‘The Republican Party: We’re so sorry. Please like us.’
This is a better, more vulnerable Republican Party. A quiet Party. A Party that speaks in soothing monotone. Some people think you have to be the loudest voice in the room to make a difference. That is just not true. Often, the best thing we can do is just turn down the volume. This is why the new Republican Party is committed to turning down our volume—all the way. We are committed to being those awkward wallflowers never chosen at the school dance—but who are also never hated.”
“The Republican Party: We’re so sorry. Please like us.”
“As our nation spends itself into oblivion and is overrun by terrorists and illegals, we think it’s important that, along the way, everyone just learns to like each other! We want to fluff your pillows on the flight to destruction! Remember, each day can be better than the last. We are the Party of happy—but not loud happy. Those ‘loud happy’ people are out on the dance floor, engaging in all sorts of tomfoolery. But not us. We are the sensitive Party, because we believe sensitivity is…(she gives a thumbs up)…really cool!”
“The Republican Party: We’re so sorry. Please like us.”
“Huge majorities believe our nation is on the wrong path. Fear is everywhere. But rather than boast of a new path, we Republicans say, ‘We’re just as bad as the people who brought you here.’ After all, confidence is ugly. Confidence foolishly brags to raucous crowds, whereas sensitivity speaks quietly to a single camera in a solitary room…like this. That’s the Republican way. We want to attract young voters, and what young person is drawn to confidence?”
“The Republican Party: We’re so sorry. Please like us.”
“Why, I’m reminded of when I was a teenage girl. I liked boys who lacked confidence; the kind who ran when I approached, and muttered to themselves about how misunderstood they were. There was something in their twitchy, slumped over confusion that attracted me—oh, I suppose every girl went through this. Long were the nights I’d stay up, wishing upon my favorite star that someday I could have one of those boys for my very own. They were so desperate. Frightened. Sorry for things they hadn’t done. They were everything I hoped my political Party would become.”
“The Republican Party: We’re so sorry. Please like us.”
“And now today, I just want to apologize for everything! I’m sorry for enjoying cartoons, since I know that somewhere, some cartoon is forcing otherwise peaceful Muslims to kill! I’m sorry for sewing fabrics with thread, since that’s how the first Confederate flag was made! I’m sorry for my Indian heritage, since ‘Ghandi’ was such a long movie! I’m sorry! Or as young people today might say…(she gives a thumbs up)…I’m wicked sorry!”
“The Republican Party: We’re so sorry. Please like us.”
“And why are we sorry? Because ‘sorry’ sounds nice. ‘Sorry’ sounds approachable. ‘Sorry’ sounds so responsible, it takes responsibility for things we haven’t even done. Soothing and calm, ‘sorry’ says, ‘Don’t worry, we’ll make everything better—without changing it.’”
“Thus concludes this Republican-approved response. Let it be known, any Party that would enter an election year with a presentation like this…must be really, really sorry.”
“I’m Nikki Haley, Governor of the great state of South Carolina.”
“I’m speaking tonight from Columbia, our state’s capital city. Much like America as a whole, ours is a state with a rich and complicated history, one that proves the idea that each day can be better than the last. Or it can be worse. Or the same. Life’s like a box of chocolates, but one thing’s for sure: Each day will come after the previous day on the calendar. Yes, I think we can all learn from that. Yes.”
“Today, we live in a time of threats like few others in recent memory. During anxious times, it can be tempting to follow the siren call of the angriest voices. We must resist that temptation. That is why I’m speaking to you in soothing monotone, with all of my syllables equidistantly spaced, plodding in formation with the same sedating effect that has worked so well in previous State of the Union responses. This is much more fun than hearing Trump in front of a raucous crowd, right? Yes. Yes it is.”
“While Democrats in Washington bear much responsibility for the problems facing America today, they do not bear it alone. There is more than enough blame to go around.”
- “Sure, Democrats voted 59-0 for Obamacare while Republicans voted 41-0 against it, but there is more than enough blame to go around.”
- “Democrats targeted Liberty groups with the IRS, but there is more than enough blame to go around.”
- “Democrats commit virtually all voter fraud and claim Voter ID laws are racist, but there is more than enough blame to go around.”
- “Democrats support tax funding for late-term abortions, but there is more than enough blame to go around.”
- “Democrats control all cities where crime and gun violence run amok, but there is more than enough blame to go around.”
- “Democrats run a failing education system that has devastated several generations, but there is more than enough blame to go around.”
“We as Republicans need to own that truth. We need to recognize our contributions to the erosion of the public trust in America’s leadership. We need to accept that we’ve played a role in how and why our government is broken. Our President, while apologizing for America—over and over—once nobly spoke, ‘there have been times where America has shown arrogance and been dismissive, even derisive.’”
“I feel his strategy strengthened America’s place in the world. Everyone really respects us now! We’re like, sooooo popular! Following his lead, I think my party should apologize, pandering with self-doubt, in hopes that cowering before lawless opponents will impress Americans with our strength. That’s why, today, I’m proposing a new, catchy, inspirational slogan for the Republican Party:
(Flashing across the screen) ‘The Republican Party: We’re so sorry. Please like us.’
This is a better, more vulnerable Republican Party. A quiet Party. A Party that speaks in soothing monotone. Some people think you have to be the loudest voice in the room to make a difference. That is just not true. Often, the best thing we can do is just turn down the volume. This is why the new Republican Party is committed to turning down our volume—all the way. We are committed to being those awkward wallflowers never chosen at the school dance—but who are also never hated.”
“The Republican Party: We’re so sorry. Please like us.”
“As our nation spends itself into oblivion and is overrun by terrorists and illegals, we think it’s important that, along the way, everyone just learns to like each other! We want to fluff your pillows on the flight to destruction! Remember, each day can be better than the last. We are the Party of happy—but not loud happy. Those ‘loud happy’ people are out on the dance floor, engaging in all sorts of tomfoolery. But not us. We are the sensitive Party, because we believe sensitivity is…(she gives a thumbs up)…really cool!”
“The Republican Party: We’re so sorry. Please like us.”
“Huge majorities believe our nation is on the wrong path. Fear is everywhere. But rather than boast of a new path, we Republicans say, ‘We’re just as bad as the people who brought you here.’ After all, confidence is ugly. Confidence foolishly brags to raucous crowds, whereas sensitivity speaks quietly to a single camera in a solitary room…like this. That’s the Republican way. We want to attract young voters, and what young person is drawn to confidence?”
“The Republican Party: We’re so sorry. Please like us.”
“Why, I’m reminded of when I was a teenage girl. I liked boys who lacked confidence; the kind who ran when I approached, and muttered to themselves about how misunderstood they were. There was something in their twitchy, slumped over confusion that attracted me—oh, I suppose every girl went through this. Long were the nights I’d stay up, wishing upon my favorite star that someday I could have one of those boys for my very own. They were so desperate. Frightened. Sorry for things they hadn’t done. They were everything I hoped my political Party would become.”
“The Republican Party: We’re so sorry. Please like us.”
“And now today, I just want to apologize for everything! I’m sorry for enjoying cartoons, since I know that somewhere, some cartoon is forcing otherwise peaceful Muslims to kill! I’m sorry for sewing fabrics with thread, since that’s how the first Confederate flag was made! I’m sorry for my Indian heritage, since ‘Ghandi’ was such a long movie! I’m sorry! Or as young people today might say…(she gives a thumbs up)…I’m wicked sorry!”
“The Republican Party: We’re so sorry. Please like us.”
“And why are we sorry? Because ‘sorry’ sounds nice. ‘Sorry’ sounds approachable. ‘Sorry’ sounds so responsible, it takes responsibility for things we haven’t even done. Soothing and calm, ‘sorry’ says, ‘Don’t worry, we’ll make everything better—without changing it.’”
“Thus concludes this Republican-approved response. Let it be known, any Party that would enter an election year with a presentation like this…must be really, really sorry.”
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