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The DNC Telethon of Rage                        By Andy Peth

8/24/2020

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HOST:  “And welcome back to the 35th hour of our DNC Convention Telethon!  Operators are standing by, so let’s get those phones ringing with donations and excitement for Joe Biden!”

(silence)
HOST:  “Seems we have a bit of a lull, so let’s talk to one of our operators, Congresswoman Ayanna Pressley!”
 
AYANNA:  (grabs the mic)  “What’s the matter?  Whitey don’t wanna give?  (making airquotes with her hands)  Do I not 'look’ the right way?  Well?  I asked you a question!  Don’t look away when I’m talking to you!  Do you see these silent phones?  Well, silence is violence!  Silence…is…violence!  Maybe I should send some of my (airquotes) ‘staff’ over to kick your privileged little white—"
 
HOST:  (grabs the mic)  “Thank you, Congresswoman Pressley, for those inspirational words!  The Democrat Party believes in the power of love through diversity!  That is our message of healing for this great land!”
 
AYANNA:  (in the background)  “Kill Whitey!”
 
HOST:  “That’s right!  Go Joe Biden!”
 
AYANNA:  “Who?”
 
HOST:  “And speaking of Joe Biden, we now have a special guest.  Ladies and gentlemen, our next President’s son, Hunter Biden!”
 
HUNTER:  “I’m rich!”
 
HOST:  “Yes, thanks to The Obama-Biden Recovery, America is still a place where we reach our dreams!”
 
HUNTER:  “And so is Ukraine!  And China!  Oh man, I’ve never done a thing, and there’s money falling from the sky!  Make it rain, baby!  Make it rain!”
 
HOST:  “Hunter, your story shows how anyone can make it in America with some honest, hard work, and a socially conscious attitude!”
 
HUNTER:  “What?”
 
AYANNA:  (in the background)  “Kill Whitey!”
 
HOST:  “Right!  Go Joe Biden!”
 
HUNTER:  “Who?”
  
HOST:  “Your father, Hunter.  Jooooooe Biden!”
 
HUNTER:  “Oh, right!  He makes it rain!”
 
HOST:  “Thank you, Hunter Biden.”
 
HUNTER:  “I’m getting paid for this, right?”
 
HOST:  “And now, let’s hear from Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez!”
 
AOC:  “Hi America!  They only gave me a minute, so let me just say, EVERY COP IS GUILTY!  But in the re-education camps I’m proposing, those storm troopers will learn the true meaning of pain—”
 
HOST:  “Wow, time’s up!  Thank you, Congresswoman Ocasio-Cortez.”
 
AOC:  (in the background)  “I endorse Bernie!  We can still have Bernie!”
 
HOST:  “And now, a word from our sponsors!”
(Footage of Portland riots)
​HOST:  “Welcome back to the DNC Convention Telethon!  Ladies and gentlemen, hold on to your seats!  It is my privilege to introduce the next Vice President of the United States, Kamala Harris!”
 
KAMALA:  (actual quote) “This virus, it has no eyes…”
 
HOST:  “I’m sorry, what?”
 
KAMALA:  (actual quote) “This virus, it has no eyes, and yet it knows exactly how we see each other and how we treat each other.”
 
HOST:  “Okay, then!  Moving on—”
 
KAMALA:  “So, why did I call Joe a racist?”
 
HOST:  “I didn’t ask.”
 
KAMALA:  (actual quote)  “Hey, it was a debate!  Hahahahaha!  It was a debate!  Hahahahaha!  It was a debate!  Hahahaha—”
 
HOST:  “KAMALA!”
 
KAMALA:  “Whoops…got stuck in a feedback loop!  Don’t you hate that?”
(She goes quiet, staring blankly ahead for several seconds.  Then…)
​KAMALA:  “Hahahahaha!”
 
HOST:  (nervous laugh)  “Yeah…ha…ha…”
 
KAMALA:  “It was just a debate, and I don’t mean anything I say in a debate!  Don’t you see how that fixes everything I said about Joe?”
 
HOST:  “Well—”
 
KAMALA:  “Don’t you see me?  The real me?  Like a virus sees me?”

(silence)
HOST:  “Kamala, you’ve said you smoked weed in school, right?”
 
KAMALA:  “Sure did!”
 
HOST:  “And you inhaled?”
 
KAMALA:  “Sure did!”
 
HOST:  “Did you ever exhale?”

(several seconds of silence)
KAMALA:  “Hahahahaha!”

HOST:  “Okay, then!  I don’t know about you, folks, but I feel WOKE!  And yet, there’s nothing more woke than  a Conservative Republican seeing the light and joining our side.  Please enjoy this taped message from former Ohio Governor, John Kasich.”
 
KASICH:  “Hi, I’m John Kasich.  Behind me, out here in this field, you can see a divided road.  This signifies the two choices we have before us—choices that will decide our nation’s future.  Further back, you’ll see some crop circles.  The first is simply a circle, which signifies…round things.  Next comes a series of elaborate symbols.  Now, I’m not sure what they mean, but the aliens who reprogrammed me several years ago said if we learn to speak them, we’ll be spared from the great cleansing that is to come—”
 
HOST:  “Wait, what was that?”
 
KASICH:  “—and why am I removing my shirt?  It’s to reveal the tattoos I received during the experiments.  I was up there a long time, so this could take a while—"
 
HOST:  “Cut the feed!

KASICH:  “—and I will now protect our world with a ritual dance—"
 
HOST:  “Here’s a word from our sponsors!”
(Footage of Portland riots)
HOST:  “Welcome back to The DNC Convention Telethon!  And now we have…let’s see here…oh yes, now we have little Tammy Smith, who will be (reading slowly to get it right)…twirling her flaming batons of social justice…”
(A masked, angry looking white girl in a BLM shirt stomps on stage.  She’s carrying two batons)
HOST:  “And here goes Tammy, warming up with a few moves…now they’re lighting her batons…very exciting…wow, she can really twirl…don’t look away, folks, as I hear ‘Danger’ is Tammy’s middle…wait a minute, is the fire spreading?...just part of the show…NO WAIT!  IT’S HER MASK!  LITTLE TAMMY’S MASK IS ON FIRE!”
 
“Omigosh, the medics have rushed on stage!  Tammy’s screaming, 'Back off, pigs!’  Now they’re making her drop and roll in a blanket!  NO, NO, NOT WITH THE BATONS! THROW AWAY THE BATONS!”
 
“NOW THE BLANKET’S ON FIRE!  THIS IS HORRIBLE!  THIS IS—what?  Go to break?  Okay, let’s go to break!  And now, a word from our sponsors!”
(Footage of Portland riots)
HOST:  “Welcome back to the DNC Convention Telethon!  And now, the moment we’ve all been waiting for, here’s your next President of—”
 
BIDEN:  “—is this on?”
 
HOST:  “Yes, we hear you, Joe!”
 
BIDEN:  “Is this loud enough?  I want people to hear this.  I’ve got a script someone wrote.”
 
HOST:  “That’s good, Joe—”
 
BIDEN:  “Not sure who wrote it.  Think it was one of my sponsors—”

(Footage of Portland riots)
HOST:  “Not yet!  Not yet! “
 
BIDEN:  “Okay, I can wait—”
 
HOST:  “No, not you, Joe!”
 
BIDEN:  “Not me?  Did I already go?  How did I do?”
 
HOST:  “Just technical difficulties, Joe!  A problem with our sponsors—"
(Footage of Portland riots)
HOST:  “Stop that!”
 
BIDEN:  “Okay.”
 
HOST:  “No!  Wait!  It’s your turn, Joe!  (regaining composure)  I see you’re speaking from your home.  Again.”
 
BIDEN:  “I sure am!  I like it here.  Real peaceful.  Nice men feed me through a slot in the door.”
 
HOST:  “That’s…um…”
 
BIDEN:  “Today was Salisbury Steak day!”
 
HOST:  “Joe—”
 
BIDEN:  “Did Hunter speak yet?”
 
HOST:  “Yes, Joe—”
 
BIDEN:  “He’s rich, you know!  And if I’m made President, I’ll do that for every American!  I’ll threaten countries with foreign aid cuts until they give every American a cushy job sitting on some board in Ukraine!"
 
HOST:  “Joe—”
 
BIDEN:  (looking at camera)  “Or my name ain’t Joe Biden!”
 
HOST:  “Joe—”
 
BIDEN:  “And I’m pretty sure it is!”
 
HOST:  “Joe!”
 
BIDEN:  “Did you see me on stage with Kamala?”
 
HOST:  “Yes, Joe—”
 
BIDEN:  “We were so far apart, I thought we were gonna have a dance-off.”
 
HOST:  “Joe—”
 
BIDEN:  “Then we kept raising our hands like we were lifting something!  But there was nothing in my hands!  I know, cuz I looked real close!”
 
HOST:  “Joe—”
 
BIDEN:  “That got me confused, and I get angry when I’m confused!  I was like, ‘What the hell are we lifting in this empty room?’  I started to wander off, but the Salisbury Steak guys steered me back.  Anyway, Kamala just kept smiling and lifting, so I did, too.  Man, she was far away!”
 
HOST:  “Joe—”
 
BIDEN:  “Did you see me on stage with Kamala?”
 
HOST:  “Yes, Joe—”
 
BIDEN:  “We stood further apart than Bill and Hillary at their wedding!”
 
HOST:  “JOE!!”
 
BIDEN:  “Are we done yet?  I’m tired.”
 
HOST:  “Sure Joe, we’re done.”
(long silence)
​BIDEN:  “How did I do?”
(long silence)
​HOST:  “Sponsors.”
(Footage of Portland riots)
 
(The End)

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Pinko And The Brainless                         By Andy Peth

8/17/2020

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​Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Joe Biden and his ultra-left VP candidate, Kamala Harris.  

(Cue music to “Pinky and the Brain”)
They’re Pinko and the Brainless!  Yes Pinko and the Brainless!  One is a Commie!  The other’s just brainless!  Before the night is done, their plans will be unfurled!  By the dawning of the sun, they’ll give us to the world! 
 
They’re Pinko, they’re Pinko and the Brain…less…Brain…less…Brain…less…Brain…less…
 
PINKO:  “Gee Brainless, what are we gonna to do tonight?”
 
BRAINLESS:  “Who?”
 
PINKO:  “We.  What are WE gonna do tonight?”
 
BRAINLESS:  “When?”
 
PINKO:  (getting testy)  “TONIGHT.  What are WE gonna do…TONIGHT?”
 
BRAINLESS:  “I’m sorry, I was supposed to have some notes here…”
 
PINKO:  “Try…”
 
BRAINLESS:  “I am trying.”
 
PINKO:  “No, tryyyyyy—”
 
BRAINLESS:  “Oh!  Tryyyyyyy—”
 
PINKO:  “—yes, tryyyyy—”
 
BRAINLESS:  “I’ve got it!  We’re going to try!”
 
PINKO:  “Yes!  I mean no!  Just say tryyyyyy—”
 
BRAINLESS:  “—tryyyyy—”
 
PINKO:  “—tooooo—”
 
BRAINLESS:  “—tooooo—”
 
PINKO:  “—now together, tryyyyy toooo—”
 
BRAINLESS:  “Oh, right! Tryyyyy tooooo…colonize the sun!”
 
PINKO:  “What?”
 
BRAINLESS:  “There’d be free energy forever!”
 
PINKO:  “No!”
 
BRAINLESS:  “That’s solar energy, baby!  Maybe some wind.  Lots of jobs…”
 
PINKO:  “No, no, no!  Repeat after me!  Same thing we do every night, Pinko—”
 
BRAINLESS:  “I repeat after you every night?”
 
PINKO:  “What?  No!”
 
BRAINLESS:  “No wonder you’re all mad.”
 
PINKO:  “No!  Just repeat after me!  Same thing we do every night, Pinko.”
 
BRAINLESS:  “Same thing we do…together…at the thing…what was that middle part?”
 
PINKO:  “Every night!  Every night!”
 
BRAINLESS:  “I have hairy legs.”
 
PINKO:  “What?!  What has that got to do with—”
 
BRAINLESS:  “Say, are you black?  Or are you diverse like the Mexican Hispanics of El Salvador?”
 
PINKO:  “What?”
 
BRAINLESS:  “Black people are all the same…except Barack…he’s clean…talks like a real person!”
 
PINKO:  “Stop it!  Just stop it!”
 
BRAINLESS:  “You know, I only chose you because you’re black and…whatever gender you are.”
 
PINKO:  “Shut up!  Just repeat after me!  Same thing we do every night, Pinko!”
 
BRAINLESS:  “How do I shut up and repeat after you?”
 
PINKO:  “I…I…”
 
BRAINLESS:  “Look, I’m going back to my basement.  Tell me when it’s Spring.”
 
PINKO:  “No!  You just have to say one line!  Same thing we do every night, Pinko!  Try to take over the world!”
 
BRAINLESS:  “Try to take over the…take over the…you know, the thing!”
 
PINKO:  “The world!”
 
BRAINLESS:  “Right!  That planet!  I knew that!”
 
PINKO:  “Say the world!”
 
BRAINLESS:  “The world!”
 
PINKO:  “Yes, the world!”
 
BRAINLESS:  “The world!  I’m getting good at this!”
 
PINKO:  “Right!  The world!”
 
BRAINLESS:  “The world!  It’s that planet where…where everyone boards up their windows when our supporters march!”
 
PINKO:  “Right!  No, wait!”
 
BRAINLESS:  “Worlds are good for marching!  Lots of space!”
 
PINKO:  “Stop it!  You’re derailing!”
 
BRAINLESS:  “Did you know March is also a month?  I mean, who names a month after walking around?”
 
PINKO:  “Focus!”
 
BRAINLESS:  “Do people board up their windows that whole month?”
 
PINKO:  “Stop it, stop it, stop it!”
 
BRAINLESS:  “Probably just black people.  They’re all the same, you know.  Except Barack.  Clean guy.  Talks like a real—”
 
PINKO:  “Will you shut up!”
 
BRAINLESS:  “You know, when we were at the White House, Barack never boarded it up.  Not even in March.”
 
PINKO:  “Will you please shut up!”
 
BRAINLESS:  “Did you know he endorsed me when no one else was running anymore?”
 
PINKO:  “Omigod, shut up!”
 
BRAINLESS:  “That was nice of him.  Nice guy.  Clean guy."
 
PINKO:  “SHUT UP!”
 
BRAINLESS:  “I’ll bet he showers before every march.”
 
PINKO:  “For the love of…SHUT UP!”
 
BRAINLESS:  “When Barack talks, you can’t even tell he’s…wait, what color are you?"
 
PINKO:  “SHUUUUUUUT!  UUUUUUUP!”
 
BRAINLESS:  “I hope you’re the right color.  They told me to really focus on that.”
 
PINKO:  “I can’t take this anymore.”
 
BRAINLESS:  “What a name for a month—March.  Did you know in my favorite country, China, they say it’s the year of the?  Like, the year of the rabbit?  The year of the horse?  The year of the dog-faced pony soldier?”
 
PINKO:  (with her head in her hands)  “Sure.  Whatever.  Please shut up.”
 
BRAINLESS:  “My good friend Robert Byrd would say the year of the darky.  They told me to focus on that when choosing a running mate.”
 
PINKO:  “Omigosh, this is like needles in my eyes…”
 
BRAINLESS:  “You know, if we win, our supporters will stop marching, and everyone can stop boarding up their windows.  That will save trees.  And that will save the planet.  I smell a campaign issue!”
 
PINKO:  “Uh huh…”
 
BRAINLESS:  “AOC would like that.  She’s my Energy and Environment advisor.  I call her AOC because I can’t pronounce her name.  Did you know her people are diverse?”
 
PINKO:  “Uh huh…”
 
BRAINLESS:  “Hey, you just leave the driving to me.  I got this.  Remember, I beat you in those debates.”
(With her head still in her hands, Pinko is quietly sobbing)
​BRAINLESS:  “But for now, I’m going back to my basement.  Tell me when it’s Spring.”
(Music resumes)
They’re Pinko, they’re Pinko and the Brain…less…Brain…less…Brain…less…Brain…less…
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