Blog Archives

Of Course I Love You! by Andy Peth

2/25/2015

In the wake of Rudy Giuliani questioning President Obama’s love for America, I’ve written the following. It is a belated Valentine’s message to my wife, Cori.

My dearest Cori:

Don’t let anyone question my love for you. I love you so much, my driving mission in life is to fundamentally transform you. Please, please—no thanks are necessary. I just want you to be better…or at least different…whatever. Point is, when I say I love you, that’s proof enough! My marital patriotism is beyond reproach, and I will pout if anyone asks me to, you know, show it in some way.

Cori, when I look deeply into your eyes, I see my reflection; and with it, your hope for a better tomorrow. Am I saying you can become me? Let’s not get carried away. But to help you reach greater heights, I’m providing an IPod full of my speeches for your listening pleasure while logging hours on the treadmill—hours I’ve detailed in your new regimen.

You’ll love this regimen. During your mandatory stay at Camp Hopey-Changey-Cori, you’ll receive a healthy lunch program! You’ll thrill to stimulating lectures like, “Mmm, mmm, mmm! Andy Lloyd Peth! Mmm, mmm, mmm!” (I guest teach for that one) In honing and testing your devotion, the counselors will ban you from doing things—things you might never have thought of doing—and then help others do them instead. For instance:

You can no longer selfishly choose your health plan or doctor, but they’ll exempt all their friends.
You’re harassed for carrying a gun, but their rich friends get armed guards.
If you ever wanted to do offshore drilling in the Gulf of Mexico (hey, it could happen), they’ll ban you, then send your money to Brazil so Brazilians get jobs instead!
If anyone, anywhere, gets shot, they’ll assume it was by someone like you, because you Cori’s are all a threat! When their friends shoot people, they’ll call these isolated incidents, borne from understandable anguish caused by your neglect and greed.
All your words and beliefs will be tracked, and when they disagree with mine, camp counselors from the Justice Department, EPA, and IRS will investigate you, seize your resources, and audit you! Meanwhile, our friends can evade taxes, and I’ll invite them to dinner dozens of times!
Want to complain? We’ll call you a racist!

All this pains me, my love, but it’s for your own good. Sure, you’ll protest the first few months, but eventually you’ll be chanting my name. Mmm, mmm, mmm! Is that love or what?! And to monitor your progress, I’m having them surveil you wherever you go!

To think, people actually question my love! I’ve half a mind to start pouting right now!

Do I also expect fundamental transformation from other countries—sorry, I mean, “other women?” Of course not! That would be disrespectful! I must appreciate what makes them unique and special; yes, even those who attack you at work or in malls, often calling for your destruction on social media. I could stop them, but hey, I’m not here to judge! Who knows how you’ve provoked them?

Cori, other women on the planet don’t need to be fundamentally transformed, so stop imposing your values. Sure, they each have a few lone-wolf aspects which misrepresent 99% of their true goodness—you know, the 99% that peacefully tolerates you. But to sum up, they are 99% wonderful, while you need a 100% fundamental overhaul. And this overhaul proves my love for you—love that no one should ever question. If they do, I’ll pout. Seriously, I’m not bluffing.

I mean, let’s be honest: You’ve been arrogant. Dismissive. Remember when those women went a bit overboard and flew planes into the building where you work, and my mentor of 20 years said your chickens had come home to roost? Remember how you overreacted, asking me to disown him? My goodness, he and I are the same color, Cori! I could no more disown him than I could disown the white community! This reminds me of times you insulted my other mentors…like the one you labeled a domestic terrorist just because he bombed you domestically. Cori, he’s a respected educator!

Admittedly, I’ve used some tough love. Removing all the doors and windows from our home, I allowed people to enter at will. But I had my reasons! I just felt those people would do all the jobs you’re unwilling to do! Look, I’ll just call it like it is: You’re a lazy, pampered, elitist snob. But no one--I mean no one—should question my love for you, lest I pout. My love is so strong, it makes me bigger than your faults! It really does! Helping those people rummage through our home, I let the girls take whatever clothes or jewelry fit them—thus teaching you how to give.

The next time I’m at the golf course—receiving a much needed respite from the demands you place on me—I’d better not hear you were acting up at our couples counseling. Can’t I have some “me” time? Do I have to be everywhere? Or will you behave like your ancestors did when they needlessly killed people during the Crusades—yeah, I just went there! This seems a good time to bring it up.

Cori, it has been said I don’t believe in Cori Exceptionalism. Not true! I believe you are exceptional just like everyone else! I like to call it, “Common Exceptionalism.” Anticipating your stay at Camp Hopey-Changey-Cori, I hope you aspire to even greater levels of commonness. If you do, you’ll receive a button that reads, “Commoner.” Wouldn’t that be exceptional? Heck yeah, it would!

My love, I’ve always been humble. I’ve always bowed in your presence. But one day, after your transformation, I might bow to you like I bow to all the other women—facing them. No promises, mind you, but keep hoping while you’re away at camp…and I’m golfing.

So Happy Belated Valentine’s Day, Cori. Can my love for you be questioned? Never! When people ask how I can love someone like you, I proudly say, “Only in a marriage like this could my story happen.”

Now THAT is love…beyond question.

0 Comments

Get Ready For Walker By Andy Peth

2/14/2015

6 Comments

Are you ready for Scott Walker? You’d better be. Pushing ahead in a strong GOP field, Wisconsin’s Governor has seized America’s attention. Republicans adore him. Democrats deplore him. A Fox News panel calls him the odds-on favorite. Walker’s momentum, launched by a speech in Iowa, is undeniable.

Am I endorsing Walker? No, it’s too early. Our choices are excellent with Jindal, Paul, Cruz, Fiorina, Carson, Rubio—any of these and more could comprise a winning ticket. But Walker merits discussion. I must discuss his unique ascension. I must discuss the possibilities of a Walker ticket. And most of all, I must discuss how to defeat the biggest challenge we’ll face if this Badger state governor represents us in 2016--and why we’ll have to start early.

First, Why Walker?

Walker is now the frontrunner. Big deal, right? He’s peaking early. And yet, for several reasons, Walker’s early showing seems important:

Past early risers, such as Romney, Huckabee, Paul, Cain, etc., were usually monster fundraisers or grassroots phenoms. Walker is neither.
Walker is a Midwestern, blue-state governor; a proven winner where Obama won twice.
Walker is the rarest of hybrids—trusted by the Tea Party, respected by the Establishment.
When Romney withdrew, his supporters walked right past Jeb Bush—straight to Walker.
Emerging from a recall election drawing interest countrywide, Walker now has what his opponents feared: National prominence, with an enormous listing of potential donors.
Walker’s obvious weakness—foreign policy--isn’t one, thanks to a deep bench of potential VP options. The clear choice (but not the only one) would be Marco Rubio. Having thankfully moved rightward on immigration, Rubio is dazzling when discussing foreign policy.

Walker-Rubio?

The only drawback to a Walker-Rubio ticket would be Rubio’s superior stage presence. Walker’s a doer, not a speaker, as his “breakout speech” in Iowa would qualify as a disastrous outing for Rubio. There’s just no comparison. Displaying pure, effortless eloquence, Rubio is the Right’s most inspiring communicator since Reagan. He’s Ben Carson, only quicker afoot. So, would Walker repeat Romney’s mistake of handcuffing a brilliant running mate, or would Rubio be unleashed?

This is no small concern. While many recall Rubio’s “water moment” from his State of the Union response, most forget the cause. Rubio was confined, limited by handlers like those ruining response scripts for Bobby Jindal and Joni Ernst. Looking plastic and nervous, Rubio was a thoroughbred hitched to plodding Clydesdales. He was nervous. Helpless. And as we saw, dry-mouthed.

Assuming Walker would avoid such GOP pitfalls—a BIG assumption—any ticket with him and Rubio would thunder past Gramma Clinton. Could you imagine it? On one side, there’s a Democrat who has been everywhere, achieved nothing, and written a book no one bought. On the other, there are two young men who turn around states and dazzle crowds. The contrast would be delicious.

But while Rubio seems a strong bet, don’t write off the disarming smoothness of Ben Carson, the broad appeal of Rand Paul, or the incredible track record of Bobby Jindal. The bench has never been so deep.

Walker’s Issue

So what’s the problem? Nominate Walker and coast to victory, right?

Not so fast. Get used to these words: “Collective Bargaining Rights for Public Teacher Unions.”

Huh? That’s it? But…but that’s just talking about whether public schoolteachers can go on strike. That’s so minor! The Presidency is about our national economy, energy policy, or the War on Terror; you know, BIG STUFF. This issue carries all the importance of Kanye West’s next protest! Who cares?!

Public schoolteachers, that’s who. For them, Scott Walker is the Antichrist. They despise him. And if Walker becomes our candidate, these people will do everything in their power to defeat him. They will write checks. They will march. They will mobilize millions of young people. With neither conscience nor regret, they will take every ounce of community respect given them for “staying after class to help little Wendy master her vowels” and “helping Timmy deal with bullies”—and they will use it against us. Trust me, I was raised in a public teacher union family, and I know full well what’s coming.

For teachers, Scott Walker’s actions to remove Collective Bargaining Rights amounted to taking away their voice—their ability to negotiate. This cuts deep, folks. I present you this challenge: Watch footage of the Wisconsin teacher protests, and then watch the zombie film, “World War Z”—and see if you can tell the difference. I myself found some distinctions: While the teachers used more signs, profanity, and spray paint, they didn’t eat people—but then, the undead left less trash.

So What Do We Do?

We must prepare our messaging, and—if Walker’s surge continues—take it to the masses.

For starters, don’t connect this issue with Walker having to balance Wisconsin’s budget. If you do, the Left will joyfully say, “What?! With all the money wasted by politicians, you blame it on the good people who help little Timmy and Wendy? Is this how you give the rich their tax breaks—on the backs of hardworking teachers?” Please folks, set that talking point down, and slowly back away…

Instead, as I always advise when confronting the Left, target their greatest weakness. Target their lust for control. On this issue, try the following points:

We are not against collective bargaining power for unions.
Instead, we oppose collective bargaining for Public Teacher Unions, because we want a fair and level playing field between teachers and their customers.
With private unions, we have this. Suppose GM’s auto union strikes for higher wages or benefits. This affects the cost and quality of their cars, and that’s fine. Why? Because if we customers don’t like the resulting cost and quality, we’re free to take our money out the door and purchase cars elsewhere. Our power as consumers balances the union’s power as producers--it’s a level playing field.
But with public teacher unions, the customers (parents and taxpayers) have no such freedom. They can’t walk out the door with the money, so the union has guaranteed revenue. Thus, the workers can go on strike, but the customers can’t. The playing field isn’t level.
The Big Question: What if GM’s union could force us to buy their cars? Would we want them to have collective bargaining power to drive up the price of those cars? Of course not.
One way the teachers’ customers could walk out with the money is school vouchers, but public teach unions consistently oppose giving this bargaining leverage to their customers. So, while we support a level playing field, they do not. They only want control.
Scott Walker supports a level playing field. Don’t you wish Hillary Clinton did?

Look, I like teachers. I don’t want us pitted against them. But if Scott Walker wins the nomination, there will be no avoiding World War Z, so we’d better prepare our messaging. Teachers—and by extension, teacher’s unions—are trusted by children, parents, and pretty much everyone else. The best way to counter this trust is to expose the control that teachers’ unions seek through an unlevel playing field—demanding bargaining power for themselves, while denying it to their customers. Exposing this control, we make teachers’ unions far less sympathetic—and less effective.

Conclusion

Is Scott Walker a legitimate frontrunner? Oh yes. He’s the real deal. No, he’s not the only option—not even my top choice—but he’s a rising powerhouse.

And yet, if we want to win back the White House with Walker leading the way, we must help him. Mastering our message, we must take to the blogs, Facebook pages, newspaper sites, school forums, and any other place frequented by flesh-eating zombies. Spreading the word and exposing the Left, we can pave the way for victory.

Think I’m being too dramatic? You’ll think differently when it begins. Get ready, folks. Get ready for hate. Get ready for war.

Get ready for Walker.

6 Comments

Brian's Tale By Andy Peth

2/10/2015

0 Comments

In the latest Rasmussen Poll, 40% of Americans believe Brian Williams should resign—which proves my long-held theory that 60% of Americans are related to Brian Williams. Somehow, some way, he must be our Adam.

To get Mr. Williams’ side in the ongoing saga, we at The Party Of Choice caught up with him for an exclusive interview:

“Brian, thanks for meeting with us. Now, there’s been some question about the accuracy of your account regarding the helicopter in Iraq…”

“Yeah, when our chopper was hit, I barely survived.”

“Mr. Williams, your chopper wasn’t hit.”

“Of course not. Must have hit the one in front of us.”

“No one near you was hit.”

“Not after I grabbed the controls…it was the only way to save our necks…reminded me of the time I saved that puppy from the burning building…while taking fire…back in ‘Nam...”

“Actually, you’re too young for—”

“—I meant Katrina…the puppy was on a rooftop…I swam to it, braving terrible currents, after saving all those poor people Bush neglected…there were so many…I held several in each arm, kicking only with my legs…”

“Only with your legs?”

“Until one leg was broken, so I just kicked with the other…”

“You swam, carrying them, while kicking with one leg?”

“Just for a couple miles…it looked awkward…flop, flop, flop…but lives were at stake…and I saved that puppy…”

“During Katrina?”

“The flood, man, the flood!…which I named…before it took out much of the South…and Atlantis…the puppy’s name was…was…‘Chopper’…I…I…I saved that puppy…”

“You’re losing me, sir.”

“When I looked down the barrel of that RPG, I thought I was a goner...almost dropped Chopper…but the slaves were counting on us…”

“The who?”

“…and that’s how we became a nation.”

“Brian, I don’t remember choppers and a flood at the beginning of—”

“—Y’know, it’s like the president said…”

“Washington? Lincoln?”

“Obama! After inheriting that terrible depression—”

“—recession—”

“—that terrible recession, from Carter—”

“—Bush—”

“Which one?”

“ W.”

“Yeah, that’s the one. Now that he's cleaned up Bush’s mess, Obama can finally focus on stopping the…the…”

“The terrorists?”

“The Crusades.”

“Ummmm…”

“Reckon’ he’ll want me to lead the charge. How could I refuse? Ask not what your country can do for you, but ask what you can do—”

“—for your country?”

“For Obama! Have you even been listenin’ boy?”

“To be honest, I’m still picturing the kicking.”

“I’ll charge right at ‘em, no matter how many of their barrels I gotta look down…”

“You’re charging the Christians?”

“What? What’s the matter with you, boy?”

“But you said—”

“—What do you think this is, the Crusades?”

“But you said—”

“The Crusades were millions of years ago, before the time of man!”

“Then who are you charging?”

“Our enemy! The one that’s been hittin’ us out of nowhere! You know! The Sioux!”

“I’m…just…not following here…”

(Brian’s holding something invisible while petting it) “He can’t follow where we’re going, can he, Chopper? Can he, boy? No he can’t! No he can’t! Good boy!”

“Well, I’d better be going…”

“At ease, son. No need to salute.”

“Ummm…I wasn’t…alright. I won’t.”

Thus ends the first Party Of Choice interview. There will not be another. Oh, and I’m with the 40%; Brian Williams won’t be back with NBC.

0 Comments

Punch 'Em In The Nose by Andy Peth

2/7/2015

0 Comments

In sports, you can always tell when a team abandons “playing to win,” and starts “playing not to lose.” They become hesitant. They’re cautious. Reeling from lost momentum, they try to hang on while the opponent attacks. It’s as if one side is playing uphill.

Debates are this way, too. No, seriously. I don’t care if a group of nuns are discussing how best to upgrade the convent kitchen; the moment one side senses an advantage, they press toward the kill:

“Sister Margaret, why are you walking in a shrinking circle around Sister Katherine?”

“Oh, just needed to stretch my legs. She’ll be finished—I mean, I’ll be finished soon. Now…(fingers tapping together)…where were we?”

Does aggression have a place? Can snark be a good thing? For my part, I say yes. Why? Because there are lots of Sister Margarets circling about, and if Sister Katherine doesn’t want her remaining days spent washing Margaret’s Lexus, she’d better change her approach. No, I’m not advocating aggression, but good guys must learn how to keep bad guys from pouring it on.

In our “Choice Words That Win” seminars, I mainly stress positive ways to break through with undecided voters. It’s friendly. It works. In fact, I even wrote an article on how to win by conceding a point (it's super effective, by the way). Problem is, even good people are persuaded when seeing one side hammering away. Watching someone taunt their victim is offensive, but somewhere in our psyche, we can’t help thinking their confidence proves they’re winning.

I’m reminded of the 2012 VP debate between Paul Ryan and Joe Biden. Going in, Biden was clearly outgunned by Ryan’s brilliance. This seemed like a mismatch—but I wasn’t so sure. I recalled how Biden had used a “nice, gentle guy” approach in dissecting Sarah Palin, leaving every undecided voter I knew saying, “We can’t have her a heartbeat from the presidency.” Never mind that Palin was a successful Governor while Biden was a blowhard Senator—didn’t matter. Palin could lead, but Biden knocked people off their game.

Against Ryan, Biden did little more than laugh at Ryan’s ideas. Did Ryan win on points? Sure. In fact, Biden offered virtually no solutions for America’s problems. But his mocking worked. Putting another opponent on defense, Biden knew Americans would conclude no one could taunt with such confidence if he wasn’t winning. The next day, Conservatives like me nervously protested Biden’s methods, but he had pulled off another miracle. Polls showed Ryan was more likable, but Biden had “won”—or at least held even. It was a disgustingly brilliant strategy.

So how do we deal with the Sister Margarets and Joe Bidens? The same way my Dad told me to deal with bullies as a kid: Punch ‘em in the nose. If you can’t avoid a fight, then stun them—throw them off their game. Dad was right. Any fight is awful, but bullies become unstoppable when not stunned.

In political discussions with liberals, “punching ‘em in the nose” doesn’t mean shouting someone down, but rather putting them on defense with quick “jabs.” I always tell people the weakness in virtually every Liberal position is their desire to control others—this is their “nose.” So, before giving them the upper hand, let’s look at quick ways to put Liberals on defense. Punching their control with quick statements on various issues, let’s grab the momentum.

(Note: The snarky, sarcastic comments are just for fun here…or for the virtue-free world of blogging…)

School Vouchers: My Opening Punch: “Do you want to control how other people’s kids are taught?”

If they say “No,” respond with, “Then why not let them choose their kids’ schools? Why let 51% of the voters dictate where a mom can place her child? Did she spend nine months bearing a community baby?”
If they say “Yes,” respond with, “Really? Then why stop there? Maybe you should weigh in on who their kid marries, or what religion they choose. Majority rules, right?”

Taxes: “Should one group be allowed to vote itself another group’s money?”

If they say “No,” respond with, “Then why are Democrats allowed to promise tax hikes on targeted groups, like rich people or corporations? Those groups got their wealth by selling stuff we chose to buy, so didn’t we already vote? How do I stay off the Democrats’ targeted list? Join a union? Watch Jon Stewart? Celebrate Earth Day? Yell at cops? Personally, I want my money taken by people who sell me things I choose, not people who outnumber me at voting booths. I’m silly that way.”
If they say “Yes,” respond with, “So, wealth is distributed according to majority rules, and not personal merit? What if a gang corners a businesswoman and ‘votes’ itself the contents of her purse? Is that only bad because they’re holding guns? Or knives? Or voting ballots?”
If they say, “Only to keep things fair,” respond with, “Who decides what’s fair? The government? That’s just another way of saying groups can vote themselves your money.”

Gay Marriage: “Should other people have to live according to your beliefs?”

If they say “No,” respond with, “then why force churches to provide services for lifestyles outside their beliefs? Why make Christian-owned businesses provide anti-Christian products? Why not let people freely sell what they sell, leaving the free market to reward or punish them for their message?”
If they say “Yes,” respond with, “Should I start praying to you as well?”
If they say “It depends,” respond with, “Then who decides when we have freedom? The majority? To what governing agency must I submit my request for freedom? Can I do it online?”

Gun Control 1: “Should law-abiding citizens be less armed than those who would do them harm?”

If they say “No,” respond with, “But gun laws are only followed by law-abiding citizens, leaving victims less armed than villains. You do realize bad guys won’t limit their bullets, right?”
If they say “Yes,” respond with, “Can we at least be equipped with handy T-Shirts sporting big targets on them? These should be tax-funded.”
If they dodge, press the question until they can’t.
If they say they’ll disarm criminals as well, respond by laughing for a minimum of 5 minutes. Then hold up you hand, asking for a moment to compose yourself. Then break into another 5 minutes of laughter. Then say, “No, but seriously…”

Gun Control 2: “Are people dangerous?”

If they say “No,” respond with, “Then why worry about us being armed?”
If they say “Yes,” respond with, “Then shouldn’t I arm myself for protection in this sea of dangerous people?”
If they say “Some yes, some no,” respond with, “Then we don’t know when we’re in danger. For those of us with no violent history, shouldn’t we be armed in such unsafe surroundings?”

Illegal Immigration: Should there be any benefits to being in America legally, versus illegally? (I wish this would have been asked during the Loretta Lynch questioning)

If they say “Yes,” respond with, “What are they?” This forces them to offer advantages for citizenship—which requires a secure border to protect advantages. They’re playing uphill.
If they say “No,” respond with, “Then why is there an America at all? And why should we be the only country where citizenship is worthless? Why don’t you like America?”

Abortion: “Should the government force pro-life people to help pay for choices they oppose?”

If they say “No,” respond with, “Then why do our tax dollars fund Planned Parenthood?”
If they say “Yes,” respond with, “Should we start praying to you as well? Is your mother sinless too, or do we just pay her passing tribute, in Protestant fashion? I hope this isn’t one of those faiths where we kill innocent people while yelling how great you are, ‘cause I’m not ready for that kind of commitment.”
Seriously, be ready for the predictable response, which is: “Well, anti-war people are forced to help pay for wars, so why should pro-life people be treated any different?”
Then, punch the nose again: “I disagree with some wars and agree with others. But war is a collective decision, since it is done—or not done—on behalf of the whole nation. That’s why such decisions are made by elected leaders, since we all should have a vote in decisions affecting us all. Abortion is an individual decision, hence the slogan, ‘My body, my choice.’”
And then, punch again: “If you use collective examples to justify controlling individuals, where does it end? Do you want all individual decisions controlled, or just the ones you don’t like? Is there a form I fill out to request that you like my choices? Can I submit it online?”

I could go on and on, but I already have. Knowing how uneasy some Conservatives feel about sarcasm, I must nonetheless insist we learn to play offense. Don’t forget, we’re dealing with the American Left. Wholly committed to controlling lives, their lust for control supersedes conscience or regret. If allowed to seize momentum, they’ll start circling, and I don’t want Conservatives becoming their prey.

Fair enough? I’m not asking you to sit in on nuns' meetings, yelling, “Give her the chair!” (though I might), but political discussions are better when you play to win. Got some Joe Bidens in your life? Then punch ‘em in the nose. Put ‘em on defense. Imagine they’re the ones wearing T-Shirts with targets on them, and imagine one big word beneath their targets: “Control.”

That’s the soft spot, folks. That’s their weakness; their addiction. That’s their nose.

Commense punching.

0 Comments

Of Course I Love You! by Andy Peth

Get Ready For Walker By Andy Peth

Brian's Tale By Andy Peth

Punch 'Em In The Nose by Andy Peth

Author

Archives

Categories