My dearest Cori:
Don’t let anyone question my love for you. I love you so much, my driving mission in life is to fundamentally transform you. Please, please—no thanks are necessary. I just want you to be better…or at least different…whatever. Point is, when I say I love you, that’s proof enough! My marital patriotism is beyond reproach, and I will pout if anyone asks me to, you know, show it in some way.
Cori, when I look deeply into your eyes, I see my reflection; and with it, your hope for a better tomorrow. Am I saying you can become me? Let’s not get carried away. But to help you reach greater heights, I’m providing an IPod full of my speeches for your listening pleasure while logging hours on the treadmill—hours I’ve detailed in your new regimen.
You’ll love this regimen. During your mandatory stay at Camp Hopey-Changey-Cori, you’ll receive a healthy lunch program! You’ll thrill to stimulating lectures like, “Mmm, mmm, mmm! Andy Lloyd Peth! Mmm, mmm, mmm!” (I guest teach for that one) In honing and testing your devotion, the counselors will ban you from doing things—things you might never have thought of doing—and then help others do them instead. For instance:
- You can no longer selfishly choose your health plan or doctor, but they’ll exempt all their friends.
- You’re harassed for carrying a gun, but their rich friends get armed guards.
- If you ever wanted to do offshore drilling in the Gulf of Mexico (hey, it could happen), they’ll ban you, then send your money to Brazil so Brazilians get jobs instead!
- If anyone, anywhere, gets shot, they’ll assume it was by someone like you, because you Cori’s are all a threat! When their friends shoot people, they’ll call these isolated incidents, borne from understandable anguish caused by your neglect and greed.
- All your words and beliefs will be tracked, and when they disagree with mine, camp counselors from the Justice Department, EPA, and IRS will investigate you, seize your resources, and audit you! Meanwhile, our friends can evade taxes, and I’ll invite them to dinner dozens of times!
- Want to complain? We’ll call you a racist!
All this pains me, my love, but it’s for your own good. Sure, you’ll protest the first few months, but eventually you’ll be chanting my name. Mmm, mmm, mmm! Is that love or what?! And to monitor your progress, I’m having them surveil you wherever you go!
To think, people actually question my love! I’ve half a mind to start pouting right now!
Do I also expect fundamental transformation from other countries—sorry, I mean, “other women?” Of course not! That would be disrespectful! I must appreciate what makes them unique and special; yes, even those who attack you at work or in malls, often calling for your destruction on social media. I could stop them, but hey, I’m not here to judge! Who knows how you’ve provoked them?
Cori, other women on the planet don’t need to be fundamentally transformed, so stop imposing your values. Sure, they each have a few lone-wolf aspects which misrepresent 99% of their true goodness—you know, the 99% that peacefully tolerates you. But to sum up, they are 99% wonderful, while you need a 100% fundamental overhaul. And this overhaul proves my love for you—love that no one should ever question. If they do, I’ll pout. Seriously, I’m not bluffing.
I mean, let’s be honest: You’ve been arrogant. Dismissive. Remember when those women went a bit overboard and flew planes into the building where you work, and my mentor of 20 years said your chickens had come home to roost? Remember how you overreacted, asking me to disown him? My goodness, he and I are the same color, Cori! I could no more disown him than I could disown the white community! This reminds me of times you insulted my other mentors…like the one you labeled a domestic terrorist just because he bombed you domestically. Cori, he’s a respected educator!
Admittedly, I’ve used some tough love. Removing all the doors and windows from our home, I allowed people to enter at will. But I had my reasons! I just felt those people would do all the jobs you’re unwilling to do! Look, I’ll just call it like it is: You’re a lazy, pampered, elitist snob. But no one--I mean no one—should question my love for you, lest I pout. My love is so strong, it makes me bigger than your faults! It really does! Helping those people rummage through our home, I let the girls take whatever clothes or jewelry fit them—thus teaching you how to give.
The next time I’m at the golf course—receiving a much needed respite from the demands you place on me—I’d better not hear you were acting up at our couples counseling. Can’t I have some “me” time? Do I have to be everywhere? Or will you behave like your ancestors did when they needlessly killed people during the Crusades—yeah, I just went there! This seems a good time to bring it up.
Cori, it has been said I don’t believe in Cori Exceptionalism. Not true! I believe you are exceptional just like everyone else! I like to call it, “Common Exceptionalism.” Anticipating your stay at Camp Hopey-Changey-Cori, I hope you aspire to even greater levels of commonness. If you do, you’ll receive a button that reads, “Commoner.” Wouldn’t that be exceptional? Heck yeah, it would!
My love, I’ve always been humble. I’ve always bowed in your presence. But one day, after your transformation, I might bow to you like I bow to all the other women—facing them. No promises, mind you, but keep hoping while you’re away at camp…and I’m golfing.
So Happy Belated Valentine’s Day, Cori. Can my love for you be questioned? Never! When people ask how I can love someone like you, I proudly say, “Only in a marriage like this could my story happen.”
Now THAT is love…beyond question.