MODERATOR: “Welcome to the Arizona Democrat Presidential Debate! Let me introduce our two remaining candidates, beginning with…with…wait a sec! Gentlemen, there’s no risk with only two of you on stage. You can take off the surgical masks.”
BERNIE: “But…I don’t know where he’s been!”
JOE: “Yeah! I don’t know where I’ve been!”
MODERATOR: “Even so, the masks aren’t necessary.”
JOE: “I’m wearing a mask?”
MODERATOR: “Sort of, Mr. Biden. It’s supposed to go over your mouth, not on your head.”
JOE: “Oh, I thought it was one of those…you know…those Jewish Beanie thingies.”
MODERATOR: “You mean a yarmulke?”
JOE: “A what?”
BERNIE: “Joe, quit pandering to the Jewish vote!”
JOE: “Who?”
MODERATOR: “Look, we can’t start the debate this way. Senator Sanders, please remove your mask.”
BERNIE: “Okay, okay, but it could take a while…(starts fumbling about)…the thing gets all tangled up.”
JOE: “Here Bernie, let me help you with that—”
BERNIE: “DON’T TOUCH ME!” (the mask is now on Bernie’s chin)
JOE: “I’m just trying to—”
BERNIE: (still fumbling) “One touch and I could catch it! I could catch…Corona Warming!”
MODERATOR: “Senator Sanders, I think you mean—”
BERNIE: (mask is twisted behind his neck) “I know what I mean! What are you, one of those Corona Warming deniers?”
MODERATOR: “No, I just—"
JOE: “Bernie’s right! Our Party doesn’t tolerate Corona Warming denial! Why, I’ll have you know there’s a 99% consensus on Corona Warming among scientists and bartenders everywhere!”
MODERATOR: “Mr. Biden, I don’t think—”
JOE: “There’s only a handful of deniers left, and they’re all on Mike Pence’s team! Just a bunch of hick pastors who wouldn’t know a bartender if they saw one!”
MODERATOR: “Joe—”
JOE: “You think they understand what we’re facing? C’mon, man! They don’t care that Corona Warming hits hardest among blacks, Hispanics, women, veterans, and every other group I’m targeting for votes!”
MODERATOR: “Joe—”
JOE: “They’re a bunch of round-earthers, I tell you!”
MODERATOR: “Joe! We need to move on.”
JOE: “C’mon, Bernie, back me up here! You know I’m right!”
BERNIE: “But…I don’t know where he’s been!”
JOE: “Yeah! I don’t know where I’ve been!”
MODERATOR: “Even so, the masks aren’t necessary.”
JOE: “I’m wearing a mask?”
MODERATOR: “Sort of, Mr. Biden. It’s supposed to go over your mouth, not on your head.”
JOE: “Oh, I thought it was one of those…you know…those Jewish Beanie thingies.”
MODERATOR: “You mean a yarmulke?”
JOE: “A what?”
BERNIE: “Joe, quit pandering to the Jewish vote!”
JOE: “Who?”
MODERATOR: “Look, we can’t start the debate this way. Senator Sanders, please remove your mask.”
BERNIE: “Okay, okay, but it could take a while…(starts fumbling about)…the thing gets all tangled up.”
JOE: “Here Bernie, let me help you with that—”
BERNIE: “DON’T TOUCH ME!” (the mask is now on Bernie’s chin)
JOE: “I’m just trying to—”
BERNIE: (still fumbling) “One touch and I could catch it! I could catch…Corona Warming!”
MODERATOR: “Senator Sanders, I think you mean—”
BERNIE: (mask is twisted behind his neck) “I know what I mean! What are you, one of those Corona Warming deniers?”
MODERATOR: “No, I just—"
JOE: “Bernie’s right! Our Party doesn’t tolerate Corona Warming denial! Why, I’ll have you know there’s a 99% consensus on Corona Warming among scientists and bartenders everywhere!”
MODERATOR: “Mr. Biden, I don’t think—”
JOE: “There’s only a handful of deniers left, and they’re all on Mike Pence’s team! Just a bunch of hick pastors who wouldn’t know a bartender if they saw one!”
MODERATOR: “Joe—”
JOE: “You think they understand what we’re facing? C’mon, man! They don’t care that Corona Warming hits hardest among blacks, Hispanics, women, veterans, and every other group I’m targeting for votes!”
MODERATOR: “Joe—”
JOE: “They’re a bunch of round-earthers, I tell you!”
MODERATOR: “Joe! We need to move on.”
JOE: “C’mon, Bernie, back me up here! You know I’m right!”
(Bernie’s on the ground, his hands tangled behind his back)
BERNIE: “Help…”
MODERATOR: “Okay, let’s begin by hearing each candidate’s opening statement. While our team assists Senator Sanders, Joe Biden will lead off.”
JOE: “Thank you, sir.”
MODERATOR: “I’m a woman, actually.”
JOE: “Oh gosh, I’m sorry! Guess it’s hard to tell these days! And I want you to know, I totally support your lifestyle!”
MODERATOR: “I’m straight.”
JOE: “So am I! Ol’ Straight-Shootin’ Joe, that’s what they call me! And don’t you worry, I got Mayor Pete’s endorsement, so there’s a place for your kind in my America!”
MODERATOR: “No, I mean I’m—”
JOE: “In my America, I don’t care what you do behind closed doors as long as I don’t have to watch! That’s right! Mine is a loving America, where poor kids are just as talented as white kids!”
MODERATOR: “Joe, would you like to make a statement?”
JOE: “Sure!”
MODERATOR: “Okay, let’s begin by hearing each candidate’s opening statement. While our team assists Senator Sanders, Joe Biden will lead off.”
JOE: “Thank you, sir.”
MODERATOR: “I’m a woman, actually.”
JOE: “Oh gosh, I’m sorry! Guess it’s hard to tell these days! And I want you to know, I totally support your lifestyle!”
MODERATOR: “I’m straight.”
JOE: “So am I! Ol’ Straight-Shootin’ Joe, that’s what they call me! And don’t you worry, I got Mayor Pete’s endorsement, so there’s a place for your kind in my America!”
MODERATOR: “No, I mean I’m—”
JOE: “In my America, I don’t care what you do behind closed doors as long as I don’t have to watch! That’s right! Mine is a loving America, where poor kids are just as talented as white kids!”
MODERATOR: “Joe, would you like to make a statement?”
JOE: “Sure!”
(awkward silence)
MODERATOR: “Go ahead, Joe.”
JOE: “Right now? Oh, okay, let me start by saying, if elected to the Senate, I will appoint the first black female Vice Senator in American history!”
MODERATOR: “Joe, you’re not running for—”
JOE: “Cuz I’ve always been a trailblazer, like when I was fighting Nazi’s during the Ming Dynasty!”
MODERATOR: “Joe—”
BERNIE: “Hey, why is Joe doing all the talking! I demand equal time! By my count, Joe’s a couple hours ahead so far!”
MODERATOR: “We’ve been here 6 minutes.”
BERNIE: “Oh, sorry. I fell asleep on the floor over there…”
MODERATOR: “Senator Sanders, would you like to make an opening statement?”
BERNIE: “Absolutely!”
JOE: “Right now? Oh, okay, let me start by saying, if elected to the Senate, I will appoint the first black female Vice Senator in American history!”
MODERATOR: “Joe, you’re not running for—”
JOE: “Cuz I’ve always been a trailblazer, like when I was fighting Nazi’s during the Ming Dynasty!”
MODERATOR: “Joe—”
BERNIE: “Hey, why is Joe doing all the talking! I demand equal time! By my count, Joe’s a couple hours ahead so far!”
MODERATOR: “We’ve been here 6 minutes.”
BERNIE: “Oh, sorry. I fell asleep on the floor over there…”
MODERATOR: “Senator Sanders, would you like to make an opening statement?”
BERNIE: “Absolutely!”
(awkward silence)
MODERATOR: “Go ahead, Bernie.”
BERNIE: “Right now? Okay, okay, I just want to say, I have the support of every Cuban that Castro didn’t kill!”
MODERATOR: “Great. Thanks, Bernie—”
BERNIE: “All five of them!”
MODERATOR: “Great. Anything else?”
BERNIE: “I don’t know, is there anything else?”
MODERATOR: “I asked you.”
BERNIE: “Oh…………………..then no.”
MODERATOR: “Fine. My next question is for Joe Biden. Mr. Biden, you’ve accumulated a large number of endorsements since your win in South Carolina. How have you managed to gather support?”
JOE: “Well, for starters, I’m going to have at least a dozen Vice Presidents.”
MODERATOR: “Joe, I don’t think you can—”
JOE: “Don’t tell me what I can do! I took down that Ukrainian prosecutor, and I can take you down, too! C’mon, man—”
MODERATOR: “—woman—”
JOE: “—c’mon fella—”
MODERATOR: “—woman—”
JOE: “—c’mon…whatever! Man, woman, we’re all created equal by…by…you know, the thing!...with illegal alienable rights!”
MODERATOR: “What?”
JOE: “Point is, I can do anything! I mean, just look at my son! Hunter has no discernible talents, right? Heck, sometimes his mother and I put a pail on his head, just to watch him walk into stuff! The hours fly by in our home… But now—now Hunter is rich! It’s like when Barack won a Nobel Peace Prize! I tell you, when we Democrats have power, anything’s possible!”
MODERATOR: “Um…okay...”
BERNIE: “Hey! Hey! Joe’s not the only one with endorsements! I got endorsements!”
MODERATOR: “Go ahead, Senator Sanders. Who endorsed you?”
BERNIE: “I’m proud to say I was just endorsed by Jesse Jackson!”
MODERATOR: “Will he be your Vice President?”
BERNIE: “Are you kidding? He’s crazy!”
MODERATOR: “Moving along, let’s discuss gun violence. Senator Sanders, how would you address the problem of gun violence in America?”
BERNIE: “Well, for starters, I’d make sure guns are only in the hands of people we can trust—the government!”
MODERATOR: “You’ll disarm everyone but the government?”
BERNIE: “It works in Cuba!”
MODERATOR: “Bernie, that’s not a good—"
BERNIE: “Did you know everyone there learns to read before they’re executed?”
MODERATOR: “Bernie—”
BERNIE: “Cuba’s misunderstood, I tell ya!”
MODERATOR: “You mean, like Palestine?”
BERNIE: “Exactly! The Palestinians only want peace with Florida! But—”
MODERATOR: “Florida?”
BERNIE: “—but there’s too many damn Jews there!”
MODERATOR: “Florida?”
BERNIE: “If we disarm all the damn Jews and give Florida to the Palestinians, there will be peace!”
JOE: “Over my dead body will you take Florida from people wearing Beanie thingies! I wear this out of respect! All my Vice Presidents will wear them out of respect!”
MODERATOR: “Joe, will you please take that mask off your head?! Look, we’re getting off track!”
JOE: “That’s right! We’re getting off track here! We have to stop the gun violence! Why, there have been 150 million gun deaths in America since 2007!”
MODERATOR: “Joe, there are fewer than 350 million Americans.”
JOE: “Well sure, now!”
BERNIE: “Excuse me! I think it’s my turn!”
MODERATOR: “Senator Sanders, do you have a comment?”
BERNIE: “I sure do!”
BERNIE: “Right now? Okay, okay, I just want to say, I have the support of every Cuban that Castro didn’t kill!”
MODERATOR: “Great. Thanks, Bernie—”
BERNIE: “All five of them!”
MODERATOR: “Great. Anything else?”
BERNIE: “I don’t know, is there anything else?”
MODERATOR: “I asked you.”
BERNIE: “Oh…………………..then no.”
MODERATOR: “Fine. My next question is for Joe Biden. Mr. Biden, you’ve accumulated a large number of endorsements since your win in South Carolina. How have you managed to gather support?”
JOE: “Well, for starters, I’m going to have at least a dozen Vice Presidents.”
MODERATOR: “Joe, I don’t think you can—”
JOE: “Don’t tell me what I can do! I took down that Ukrainian prosecutor, and I can take you down, too! C’mon, man—”
MODERATOR: “—woman—”
JOE: “—c’mon fella—”
MODERATOR: “—woman—”
JOE: “—c’mon…whatever! Man, woman, we’re all created equal by…by…you know, the thing!...with illegal alienable rights!”
MODERATOR: “What?”
JOE: “Point is, I can do anything! I mean, just look at my son! Hunter has no discernible talents, right? Heck, sometimes his mother and I put a pail on his head, just to watch him walk into stuff! The hours fly by in our home… But now—now Hunter is rich! It’s like when Barack won a Nobel Peace Prize! I tell you, when we Democrats have power, anything’s possible!”
MODERATOR: “Um…okay...”
BERNIE: “Hey! Hey! Joe’s not the only one with endorsements! I got endorsements!”
MODERATOR: “Go ahead, Senator Sanders. Who endorsed you?”
BERNIE: “I’m proud to say I was just endorsed by Jesse Jackson!”
MODERATOR: “Will he be your Vice President?”
BERNIE: “Are you kidding? He’s crazy!”
MODERATOR: “Moving along, let’s discuss gun violence. Senator Sanders, how would you address the problem of gun violence in America?”
BERNIE: “Well, for starters, I’d make sure guns are only in the hands of people we can trust—the government!”
MODERATOR: “You’ll disarm everyone but the government?”
BERNIE: “It works in Cuba!”
MODERATOR: “Bernie, that’s not a good—"
BERNIE: “Did you know everyone there learns to read before they’re executed?”
MODERATOR: “Bernie—”
BERNIE: “Cuba’s misunderstood, I tell ya!”
MODERATOR: “You mean, like Palestine?”
BERNIE: “Exactly! The Palestinians only want peace with Florida! But—”
MODERATOR: “Florida?”
BERNIE: “—but there’s too many damn Jews there!”
MODERATOR: “Florida?”
BERNIE: “If we disarm all the damn Jews and give Florida to the Palestinians, there will be peace!”
JOE: “Over my dead body will you take Florida from people wearing Beanie thingies! I wear this out of respect! All my Vice Presidents will wear them out of respect!”
MODERATOR: “Joe, will you please take that mask off your head?! Look, we’re getting off track!”
JOE: “That’s right! We’re getting off track here! We have to stop the gun violence! Why, there have been 150 million gun deaths in America since 2007!”
MODERATOR: “Joe, there are fewer than 350 million Americans.”
JOE: “Well sure, now!”
BERNIE: “Excuse me! I think it’s my turn!”
MODERATOR: “Senator Sanders, do you have a comment?”
BERNIE: “I sure do!”
(awkward silence)
MODERATOR: “Go ahead, Bernie.”
BERNIE: “What?”
BERNIE: “What?”
(more awkward silence)
JOE: “And furthermore, I’m appointing Beto O’Roarke as my new GGZ! That’s ‘Gun-Grabbing Czar!’”
MODERATOR: “Actually, ‘Czar’ starts with—"
JOE: “As my new GGZ, Beto is coming for your guns! That’s right, you backwoods NRA hicks! Your guns! J-O-B-S…GUNS!”
MODERATOR: “Okay, that’s it! That’s enough! Good Lord, after all these months with all the young, diverse candidates, we’re left listening to two old white men with weapons-grade dementia! I can’t take this anymore!”
BERNIE: “I’d like to make a statement.”
MODERATOR: “No!”
BERNIE: “I knew I’d get shut down! This whole thing is rigged!”
JOE: “It is? Does that mean I win?”
MODERATOR: “Sure. Why not. It’s rigged and you win.”
JOE: “God bless democracy! Beanie thingies for everyone!”
MODERATOR: “Actually, ‘Czar’ starts with—"
JOE: “As my new GGZ, Beto is coming for your guns! That’s right, you backwoods NRA hicks! Your guns! J-O-B-S…GUNS!”
MODERATOR: “Okay, that’s it! That’s enough! Good Lord, after all these months with all the young, diverse candidates, we’re left listening to two old white men with weapons-grade dementia! I can’t take this anymore!”
BERNIE: “I’d like to make a statement.”
MODERATOR: “No!”
BERNIE: “I knew I’d get shut down! This whole thing is rigged!”
JOE: “It is? Does that mean I win?”
MODERATOR: “Sure. Why not. It’s rigged and you win.”
JOE: “God bless democracy! Beanie thingies for everyone!”
THE END.
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