MODERATOR: “Good evening. Before we begin, Senator Cruz and Senator Rubio have an announcement.
CRUZ: “Thank you. As we all know, Donald Trump is leading. But he’s no conservative! If Donald is elected, the Republican Party will be finished, and God will burn America to ashes in fiery wrath!”
RUBIO: “It’s true! I saw it in one of Ted’s mailers!”
CRUZ: “Stop it, Marco! Anyway, since desperate times call for desperate measures, Marco and I have decided to consolidate forces—”
RUBIO: “We’re running as a ticket!”
CRUZ: “—for the good of the country, staving off God’s fiery wrath—”
RUBIO: “—besides, we’re a perfect team! No one likes Ted, but he’s really smart—”
CRUZ: “—Marco—”
RUBIO: “—and lots of people like me—”
CRUZ: “—Marco—”
RUBIO: “—and together, we make at least one citizen!”
CRUZ: “Marco, stop it, stop it, stop it!”
RUBIO: “Good thinking, Ted! Don’t want to peak too soon.”
MODERATOR: “This is a major development! Senator Rubio, who will hold the top spot on your ticket?”
RUBIO: “There’s no hurry. Once Donald is defeated, Ted and I will launch a detailed analysis of our relative skills, polling strengths, policy differences—the process should take a few weeks, after which we’ll form a consensus.”
MODERATOR: “Senator Cruz?”
CRUZ: “Me.”
MODERATOR: “I see. Mr. Trump, do you have any comment?”
TRUMP: “No, just this picture I’d like to share with Ted. It’s Senator Jeff Sessions endorsing me.”
RUBIO: “Ha! Ted’s not falling for that! It’s a fake!”
CRUZ: “—Marco—”
TRUMP: “And here’s a couple with famous preachers calling me a great Christian—”
RUBIO: “Yeah, right!”
CRUZ: “—Marco—”
TRUMP: “And here’s Pat Robertson saying I inspire him! Honestly, I was blushing.”
CRUZ: “CAN WE PLEASE MOVE ON???”
MODERATOR: “Of course, Senator. Mr. Trump, both Senators Rubio and Cruz have released their tax records. Will you release yours soon?”
TRUMP: “I’d love to, but I’m being audited, so—”
MODERATOR: “Actually, that doesn’t stop you from—”
TRUMP: “—what was the question? I got a bad ear piece.”
MODERATOR: “We’re not using ear pieces, Mr. Trump.”
TRUMP: “I do not support the KKK!”
MODERATOR: “No one asked. About those tax records—”
TRUMP: “I barely know David Duke!”
MODERATOR: “Mr. Trump, David Duke’s endorsement has nothing to do with—”
TRUMP: “But I know he can’t drive his car in South Carolina, ‘cuz Nikki Haley banned the Confederate Flag he has on top!”
MODERATOR: “That’s the Dukes of Hazzard, Mr. Trump.”
TRUMP: “So I ask you, who’s the true white supremacist? David Duke or Nikki Haley?”
MODERATOR: “Well, she’s Indian, so—”
TRUMP: “All I know is when those Duke boys jump their car over a ravine—”
MODERATOR: “—wrong Dukes—”
TRUMP: “—wearing their white hoods—”
MODERATOR: “—that never happened—”
TRUMP: “—robes flowing in the wind—”
MODERATOR: “—please stop—”
TRUMP: “—Megyn Kelly locked in the trunk—”
MODERATOR: “—she’s right here—”
TRUMP: “—I think, this is what’s great about America!”
CRUZ: “Thank you. As we all know, Donald Trump is leading. But he’s no conservative! If Donald is elected, the Republican Party will be finished, and God will burn America to ashes in fiery wrath!”
RUBIO: “It’s true! I saw it in one of Ted’s mailers!”
CRUZ: “Stop it, Marco! Anyway, since desperate times call for desperate measures, Marco and I have decided to consolidate forces—”
RUBIO: “We’re running as a ticket!”
CRUZ: “—for the good of the country, staving off God’s fiery wrath—”
RUBIO: “—besides, we’re a perfect team! No one likes Ted, but he’s really smart—”
CRUZ: “—Marco—”
RUBIO: “—and lots of people like me—”
CRUZ: “—Marco—”
RUBIO: “—and together, we make at least one citizen!”
CRUZ: “Marco, stop it, stop it, stop it!”
RUBIO: “Good thinking, Ted! Don’t want to peak too soon.”
MODERATOR: “This is a major development! Senator Rubio, who will hold the top spot on your ticket?”
RUBIO: “There’s no hurry. Once Donald is defeated, Ted and I will launch a detailed analysis of our relative skills, polling strengths, policy differences—the process should take a few weeks, after which we’ll form a consensus.”
MODERATOR: “Senator Cruz?”
CRUZ: “Me.”
MODERATOR: “I see. Mr. Trump, do you have any comment?”
TRUMP: “No, just this picture I’d like to share with Ted. It’s Senator Jeff Sessions endorsing me.”
RUBIO: “Ha! Ted’s not falling for that! It’s a fake!”
CRUZ: “—Marco—”
TRUMP: “And here’s a couple with famous preachers calling me a great Christian—”
RUBIO: “Yeah, right!”
CRUZ: “—Marco—”
TRUMP: “And here’s Pat Robertson saying I inspire him! Honestly, I was blushing.”
CRUZ: “CAN WE PLEASE MOVE ON???”
MODERATOR: “Of course, Senator. Mr. Trump, both Senators Rubio and Cruz have released their tax records. Will you release yours soon?”
TRUMP: “I’d love to, but I’m being audited, so—”
MODERATOR: “Actually, that doesn’t stop you from—”
TRUMP: “—what was the question? I got a bad ear piece.”
MODERATOR: “We’re not using ear pieces, Mr. Trump.”
TRUMP: “I do not support the KKK!”
MODERATOR: “No one asked. About those tax records—”
TRUMP: “I barely know David Duke!”
MODERATOR: “Mr. Trump, David Duke’s endorsement has nothing to do with—”
TRUMP: “But I know he can’t drive his car in South Carolina, ‘cuz Nikki Haley banned the Confederate Flag he has on top!”
MODERATOR: “That’s the Dukes of Hazzard, Mr. Trump.”
TRUMP: “So I ask you, who’s the true white supremacist? David Duke or Nikki Haley?”
MODERATOR: “Well, she’s Indian, so—”
TRUMP: “All I know is when those Duke boys jump their car over a ravine—”
MODERATOR: “—wrong Dukes—”
TRUMP: “—wearing their white hoods—”
MODERATOR: “—that never happened—”
TRUMP: “—robes flowing in the wind—”
MODERATOR: “—please stop—”
TRUMP: “—Megyn Kelly locked in the trunk—”
MODERATOR: “—she’s right here—”
TRUMP: “—I think, this is what’s great about America!”
(Long pause)
CRUZ: “You see? Fiery wrath! Fiery wrath!”
RUBIO: “Yeah! Don’t fall for the con artist!”
MODERATOR: “Speaking of that term, Senator Rubio, in the three days following the Houston debate, you referred to Donald Trump as a ‘con artist’ 178 times.”
RUBIO: “It’s called, ‘message discipline.’”
MODERATOR: “But doesn’t that seem a bit much?”
RUBIO: “No—con artist—way! I—con—always try to—artist—stay on point—con artist con artist con con connnnnnnnnn—” (Trump slaps him) “—artist. Where was I?”
MODERATOR: “Message discipline.”
RUBIO: “That’s—con artist—right! We have to expose the real Donald Trump…” (turns to Trump) “…because you sir…”
TRUMP: “Uh huh.”
RUBIO: “…are…”
TRUMP: “Go ahead.”
RUBIO: “…a…”
TRUMP: “Spit it out.”
RUBIO: “…aaaaaaa…”
TRUMP: “JUST SAY IT ALREADY!!”
RUBIO: “…CARTOONIST!”
CRUZ: “Marco—”
MODERATOR: “Is this true, Mr. Trump?”
TRUMP: “Well, I dabble…but only in evil cartoonistry.”
CRUZ: “I KNEW IT! FIERY WRATH!!”
MODERATOR: “Look, do either of you have anything substantive against Mr. Trump—I mean, besides the whole burning Apocalypse thing?”
CRUZ: “No, that was my main concern.”
RUBIO: “I do! I’m still waiting for details on Donald’s Healthcare Plan!”
TRUMP: “I told you last time, the problem is all those lines of people, circling around buildings!”
CRUZ: “But how will you shorten those lines, Donald?”
TRUMP: “By making them shorter! That brings competition, and competition brings doctors…and veterans…and photo ops…and photo ops with veterans…and (garbled, unintelligible) …something, something…America Great Again!”
MODERATOR: “But Mr. Trump, I believe Senator Cruz is asking how you’ll shorten the lines.”
TRUMP: “You wanna know how?”
MODERATOR: “Please.”
TRUMP: “Okay, but no stealing the idea.”
CRUZ: “JUST SAY IT!”
TRUMP: “Two words: Mass Deportations.”
MODERATOR: “I’m sorry, what?”
TRUMP: “Every line that gets over five people long, we deport the rest—”
CRUZ: “—but you can’t—”
TRUMP: “—and their families—”
CRUZ: “—but—”
TRUMP: “—it will be done humanely—”
CRUZ: “—but—”
TRUMP: “—and once the lines go down, we’ll bring back all the good patients.”
RUBIO: “You cartoonist!—”
CRUZ: “—con artist—”
RUBIO: “—con artist!—”
CRUZ: “—better—”
RUBIO: “—letting them back in is Amnesty!”
CRUZ: “Not helping, Marco.”
TRUMP: “How dare you question me, you lightweight! I inspire Pat Robertson!”
MODERATOR: “Mr. Trump, about these faith-based endorsements. While some pastors support you, others doubt your true beliefs. So, let’s clear the air, right here, once and for all. Are you a Christian?”
TRUMP: “Can’t answer. I’m under audit.”
CRUZ: “See what I’ve been saying? He’s a fraud! An adulterous wretch—”
RUBIO: “—a cartoonist!—”
CRUZ: “—con artist—”
RUBIO: “—con artist!—”
CRUZ: “—A spawn of evil sent from the bowels of Hades—”
RUBIO: “—who cons people!—”
CRUZ: “—deceiving the masses with reality TV, dancing girls, and…and dark magic! His wicked powers are drawn from allegiance to the Devil himself!”
TRUMP: “I can neither confirm nor deny any of that…not during an audit.”
CRUZ: “Listen, my brethren! Heed my words and repent, lest this sinister fiend destroy your nation and make off with your children!”
RUBIO: “Listen to us! We’re a citizen!”
CRUZ: “SHUT UP, MARCO!”
RUBIO: “Which part? The cartoonistry thing?”
CRUZ: (head buried in hands) “No, not…just stop…”
RUBIO: “Because I think that was working!”
MODERATOR: “It’s time for closing statements. Senator Rubio, you’re up first.”
RUBIO: “Thank you.” (staring straight ahead, eyes opened extremely wide) “Friends don’t let friends vote for cartoonists!”
MODERATOR: “Senator Cruz?”
CRUZ: (head banging on lectern) “This…day…can’t…get…any…worse…”
MODERATOR: “Mr. Trump?”
TRUMP: (holding up his phone) “Great news, Ted! The Pope just endorsed me!”
RUBIO: “Yeah! Don’t fall for the con artist!”
MODERATOR: “Speaking of that term, Senator Rubio, in the three days following the Houston debate, you referred to Donald Trump as a ‘con artist’ 178 times.”
RUBIO: “It’s called, ‘message discipline.’”
MODERATOR: “But doesn’t that seem a bit much?”
RUBIO: “No—con artist—way! I—con—always try to—artist—stay on point—con artist con artist con con connnnnnnnnn—” (Trump slaps him) “—artist. Where was I?”
MODERATOR: “Message discipline.”
RUBIO: “That’s—con artist—right! We have to expose the real Donald Trump…” (turns to Trump) “…because you sir…”
TRUMP: “Uh huh.”
RUBIO: “…are…”
TRUMP: “Go ahead.”
RUBIO: “…a…”
TRUMP: “Spit it out.”
RUBIO: “…aaaaaaa…”
TRUMP: “JUST SAY IT ALREADY!!”
RUBIO: “…CARTOONIST!”
CRUZ: “Marco—”
MODERATOR: “Is this true, Mr. Trump?”
TRUMP: “Well, I dabble…but only in evil cartoonistry.”
CRUZ: “I KNEW IT! FIERY WRATH!!”
MODERATOR: “Look, do either of you have anything substantive against Mr. Trump—I mean, besides the whole burning Apocalypse thing?”
CRUZ: “No, that was my main concern.”
RUBIO: “I do! I’m still waiting for details on Donald’s Healthcare Plan!”
TRUMP: “I told you last time, the problem is all those lines of people, circling around buildings!”
CRUZ: “But how will you shorten those lines, Donald?”
TRUMP: “By making them shorter! That brings competition, and competition brings doctors…and veterans…and photo ops…and photo ops with veterans…and (garbled, unintelligible) …something, something…America Great Again!”
MODERATOR: “But Mr. Trump, I believe Senator Cruz is asking how you’ll shorten the lines.”
TRUMP: “You wanna know how?”
MODERATOR: “Please.”
TRUMP: “Okay, but no stealing the idea.”
CRUZ: “JUST SAY IT!”
TRUMP: “Two words: Mass Deportations.”
MODERATOR: “I’m sorry, what?”
TRUMP: “Every line that gets over five people long, we deport the rest—”
CRUZ: “—but you can’t—”
TRUMP: “—and their families—”
CRUZ: “—but—”
TRUMP: “—it will be done humanely—”
CRUZ: “—but—”
TRUMP: “—and once the lines go down, we’ll bring back all the good patients.”
RUBIO: “You cartoonist!—”
CRUZ: “—con artist—”
RUBIO: “—con artist!—”
CRUZ: “—better—”
RUBIO: “—letting them back in is Amnesty!”
CRUZ: “Not helping, Marco.”
TRUMP: “How dare you question me, you lightweight! I inspire Pat Robertson!”
MODERATOR: “Mr. Trump, about these faith-based endorsements. While some pastors support you, others doubt your true beliefs. So, let’s clear the air, right here, once and for all. Are you a Christian?”
TRUMP: “Can’t answer. I’m under audit.”
CRUZ: “See what I’ve been saying? He’s a fraud! An adulterous wretch—”
RUBIO: “—a cartoonist!—”
CRUZ: “—con artist—”
RUBIO: “—con artist!—”
CRUZ: “—A spawn of evil sent from the bowels of Hades—”
RUBIO: “—who cons people!—”
CRUZ: “—deceiving the masses with reality TV, dancing girls, and…and dark magic! His wicked powers are drawn from allegiance to the Devil himself!”
TRUMP: “I can neither confirm nor deny any of that…not during an audit.”
CRUZ: “Listen, my brethren! Heed my words and repent, lest this sinister fiend destroy your nation and make off with your children!”
RUBIO: “Listen to us! We’re a citizen!”
CRUZ: “SHUT UP, MARCO!”
RUBIO: “Which part? The cartoonistry thing?”
CRUZ: (head buried in hands) “No, not…just stop…”
RUBIO: “Because I think that was working!”
MODERATOR: “It’s time for closing statements. Senator Rubio, you’re up first.”
RUBIO: “Thank you.” (staring straight ahead, eyes opened extremely wide) “Friends don’t let friends vote for cartoonists!”
MODERATOR: “Senator Cruz?”
CRUZ: (head banging on lectern) “This…day…can’t…get…any…worse…”
MODERATOR: “Mr. Trump?”
TRUMP: (holding up his phone) “Great news, Ted! The Pope just endorsed me!”
(Trump and the Moderators walk off, leaving Cruz weeping softly at his lectern.
Marco puts his hand on Ted's shoulder)
Marco puts his hand on Ted's shoulder)
RUBIO: “It’s okay, man. We got each other.”
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