(The scene is a massive room with a world map on the wall. Vladimir Putin is already seated, waiting in the center. A large door opens, and Joe Biden walks in with Jill Biden at his side. They approach Putin.)
JOE: “Vladimir, I’d like you to meet my wife, Jill.”
VLAD: “No.”
VLAD: “No.”
(long silence)
JOE: “You won’t meet my wife?”
VLAD: “Maybe. Maybe not. You are weak. I dictate terms.”
JOE: “Well, okay.” (leans over to Jill) “Boy, he’s a tough negotiator!”
VLAD: “You know you’re not whispering, yes?”
JOE: (leans back to Jill) “Honey, I think he knows I’m not whispering.”
JILL: “Shhh!”
JOE: “Jill, I need some help here. Maybe you could just give me some lines and I’ll say them! Like when you wrote my vows!”
VLAD: “Still not whispering.”
JOE: “Gosh, those were great vows…”
VLAD: “Still not—”
JOE: “My favorite part was where I promised to love, honor, and obey China.”
VLAD: “Still not--wait, China?”
JILL: “You.”
JOE: “Me?”
JILL: “It’s ‘love, honor, and obey you.’”
JOE: “Obey myself? What about China?”
VLAD: “You make vow to China?”
JOE: “Vlad, if you don’t mind, I’m having a conversation here with my daughter.”
JILL: “Wife.”
JOE: “With my wife.”
VLAD: “Is no problem. American woman wear pants, yes?
JOE: “Well—”
VLAD: “In Russia, men wear pants. But no shirt. Should I take off shirt?”
JILL: “Please don’t—”
VLAD: “I take off shirt, ride on horse.”
JILL: “That’s really not necess—”
JOE: “You have a horse, Vlad? My parents got me a pony once!”
JILL: “Joe—”
JOE: “I named it, ‘Pony Once.’”
JILL: “Joe—”
JOE: “I ran him in a race. He placed last, but he was the fastest Shetland!”
VLAD: “Maybe. Maybe not. You are weak. I dictate terms.”
JOE: “Well, okay.” (leans over to Jill) “Boy, he’s a tough negotiator!”
VLAD: “You know you’re not whispering, yes?”
JOE: (leans back to Jill) “Honey, I think he knows I’m not whispering.”
JILL: “Shhh!”
JOE: “Jill, I need some help here. Maybe you could just give me some lines and I’ll say them! Like when you wrote my vows!”
VLAD: “Still not whispering.”
JOE: “Gosh, those were great vows…”
VLAD: “Still not—”
JOE: “My favorite part was where I promised to love, honor, and obey China.”
VLAD: “Still not--wait, China?”
JILL: “You.”
JOE: “Me?”
JILL: “It’s ‘love, honor, and obey you.’”
JOE: “Obey myself? What about China?”
VLAD: “You make vow to China?”
JOE: “Vlad, if you don’t mind, I’m having a conversation here with my daughter.”
JILL: “Wife.”
JOE: “With my wife.”
VLAD: “Is no problem. American woman wear pants, yes?
JOE: “Well—”
VLAD: “In Russia, men wear pants. But no shirt. Should I take off shirt?”
JILL: “Please don’t—”
VLAD: “I take off shirt, ride on horse.”
JILL: “That’s really not necess—”
JOE: “You have a horse, Vlad? My parents got me a pony once!”
JILL: “Joe—”
JOE: “I named it, ‘Pony Once.’”
JILL: “Joe—”
JOE: “I ran him in a race. He placed last, but he was the fastest Shetland!”
(long silence)
VLAD: “I take off shirt now.”
JILL: “Please don’t. Um, Joe, dear—"
VLAD: “I take off shirt, ride on horse. Wimpy man will ride tiny pony…go yeehaa.”
JOE: “Okay!”
JILL: “Joe, maybe we should start the summit now. Remember the script I sent you?”
JOE: “That was a script?”
JILL: “Yes! I outlined our strategy, told you where to sit, how to gesture—you still have it, don’t you?”
JOE: “Sure, I do! I put it all on my phone right here so I could—oh wait. I guess I posted it.”
JILL: “You what?”
JOE: “Yep. There it is, on my Facebook page.”
JILL: “OH GOD! OH GOD!”
JOE: “Man, look at all the comments! We could use these!”
JILL: “OH GOD! OH GOD!”
VLAD: “We start summit now, yes?”
JOE: “Why do you keep saying ‘yes?’ Is that a code? Is this like collusion?”
JILL: “Please don’t. Um, Joe, dear—"
VLAD: “I take off shirt, ride on horse. Wimpy man will ride tiny pony…go yeehaa.”
JOE: “Okay!”
JILL: “Joe, maybe we should start the summit now. Remember the script I sent you?”
JOE: “That was a script?”
JILL: “Yes! I outlined our strategy, told you where to sit, how to gesture—you still have it, don’t you?”
JOE: “Sure, I do! I put it all on my phone right here so I could—oh wait. I guess I posted it.”
JILL: “You what?”
JOE: “Yep. There it is, on my Facebook page.”
JILL: “OH GOD! OH GOD!”
JOE: “Man, look at all the comments! We could use these!”
JILL: “OH GOD! OH GOD!”
VLAD: “We start summit now, yes?”
JOE: “Why do you keep saying ‘yes?’ Is that a code? Is this like collusion?”
(Vladimir just stares ahead, confused)
JOE: “Well, let’s just wing it! I can’t scroll up to the script anyway. I keep hitting repost.”
JILL: “OH GOD! OH GOD!”
JOE: “Honey, could you stop saying God’s name? Russians hate that word! They’re like Democrats! Now Vlad, I just want you to know, I believe our two great nations can forge a powerful, enduring new partnership, bringing peace and security to the world, wherever China lets us.”
VLAD: “China?”
JOE: “But first, Vlad, it’s time to get tough. I’m going to need a nuclear arms deal.”
VLAD: “Well, I—”
JOE: “So as a gesture of good faith, I’ve already gotten rid of ours. All of them.”
VLAD: “What?”
JOE: “Okay, now you go.”
VLAD: “Sorry, I am…how do you say…confused?”
JOE: “That’s great, Vlad! That’s how I always say it!”
VLAD: “You have disarmed all nuclear weapons?”
JOE: “Yeah! I got rid of all our nukes, so now, you go ahead!”
VLAD: “Very well, I reduce our stockpiles by, say, 10%..."
JOE: “Really?”
VLAD: “…of projected 30% increase.”
JOE: “Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute! 10% of a 30% increase? That means…wait, don’t rush me…okay, carry the one…MY GOD, MAN, I’LL BE A HERO!”
VLAD: “Hero?”
JOE: “Sorry about the God thing. But wow, 10% of 30%! That’s like, 50%! Maybe more! That’s way better than I expected!”
VLAD: “Maybe I give too much…”
JOE: “This is just like our oil deals! You know, like when I shut down our pipelines and approved yours! Man, diplomacy is easy!”
VLAD: “Yes, Russia very grateful. Growing very rich now. I buy new horse.”
JOE: “And now I got you to disarm some…some…you know, the things! Yeah! I’ll be a hero!”
VLAD: “To Mother Russia, my friend, you already are.”
JOE: “Really? Wow!” (grabs phone) “Here, let me tell everyone…whoops, wrong screen…why does this thing keep posting?”
JILL: “Joe, give me that!”
JOE: “Hey, hands off the phone, Jill! I need this! Someone wrote me a script!”
VLAD: “No rush. Deal not done yet. Must ratify with Congress.”
JOE: “Wait, you have a Congress?”
VLAD: “I speak of America.”
JOE: “We have a Congress?”
JILL: “OH GOD! OH GOD!”
JOE: “Honey, could you stop saying God’s name? Russians hate that word! They’re like Democrats! Now Vlad, I just want you to know, I believe our two great nations can forge a powerful, enduring new partnership, bringing peace and security to the world, wherever China lets us.”
VLAD: “China?”
JOE: “But first, Vlad, it’s time to get tough. I’m going to need a nuclear arms deal.”
VLAD: “Well, I—”
JOE: “So as a gesture of good faith, I’ve already gotten rid of ours. All of them.”
VLAD: “What?”
JOE: “Okay, now you go.”
VLAD: “Sorry, I am…how do you say…confused?”
JOE: “That’s great, Vlad! That’s how I always say it!”
VLAD: “You have disarmed all nuclear weapons?”
JOE: “Yeah! I got rid of all our nukes, so now, you go ahead!”
VLAD: “Very well, I reduce our stockpiles by, say, 10%..."
JOE: “Really?”
VLAD: “…of projected 30% increase.”
JOE: “Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute! 10% of a 30% increase? That means…wait, don’t rush me…okay, carry the one…MY GOD, MAN, I’LL BE A HERO!”
VLAD: “Hero?”
JOE: “Sorry about the God thing. But wow, 10% of 30%! That’s like, 50%! Maybe more! That’s way better than I expected!”
VLAD: “Maybe I give too much…”
JOE: “This is just like our oil deals! You know, like when I shut down our pipelines and approved yours! Man, diplomacy is easy!”
VLAD: “Yes, Russia very grateful. Growing very rich now. I buy new horse.”
JOE: “And now I got you to disarm some…some…you know, the things! Yeah! I’ll be a hero!”
VLAD: “To Mother Russia, my friend, you already are.”
JOE: “Really? Wow!” (grabs phone) “Here, let me tell everyone…whoops, wrong screen…why does this thing keep posting?”
JILL: “Joe, give me that!”
JOE: “Hey, hands off the phone, Jill! I need this! Someone wrote me a script!”
VLAD: “No rush. Deal not done yet. Must ratify with Congress.”
JOE: “Wait, you have a Congress?”
VLAD: “I speak of America.”
JOE: “We have a Congress?”
(long silence)
VLAD: “Okay. We celebrate now. I take off shirt. Drink vodka. Smoke cigar. You ride pony.”
JOE: “Yeehaa! Man, Trump never got this much done!”
JOE: “Yeehaa! Man, Trump never got this much done!”
The End
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