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Joe and Vlad                                                                by Andy Peth

6/18/2021

0 Comments

 
Picture


(The scene is a massive room with a world map on the wall.   Vladimir Putin is already seated, waiting in the center.  A large door opens, and Joe Biden walks in with Jill Biden at his side.  They approach Putin.) 

JOE:  “Vladimir, I’d like you to meet my wife, Jill.” 

​VLAD:
  “No.” 
(long silence) 
JOE:  “You won’t meet my wife?” 
 
VLAD:  “Maybe.  Maybe not.  You are weak.  I dictate terms.” 
 
JOE:  “Well, okay.”  (leans over to Jill)  “Boy, he’s a tough negotiator!” 
 
VLAD:  “You know you’re not whispering, yes?”   
 
JOE:  (leans back to Jill)  “Honey, I think he knows I’m not whispering.” 
 
JILL:  “Shhh!” 
 
JOE:  “Jill, I need some help here.  Maybe you could just give me some lines and I’ll say them!  Like when you wrote my vows!” 
 
VLAD:  “Still not whispering.” 
 
JOE:  “Gosh, those were great vows…” 
 
VLAD:  “Still not—” 
 
JOE:  “My favorite part was where I promised to love, honor, and obey China.” 
 
VLAD:  “Still not--wait, China?” 
 
JILL:  “You.” 
 
JOE:  “Me?” 
 
JILL:  “It’s ‘love, honor, and obey you.’” 
 
JOE:  “Obey myself?  What about China?” 
 
VLAD:  “You make vow to China?” 
 
JOE:  “Vlad, if you don’t mind, I’m having a conversation here with my daughter.” 
 
JILL:  “Wife.” 
 
JOE:  “With my wife.” 
 
VLAD:  “Is no problem.  American woman wear pants, yes? 
 
JOE:  “Well—” 
 
VLAD:  “In Russia, men wear pants.  But no shirt.  Should I take off shirt?” 
 
JILL:  “Please don’t—” 
 
VLAD:  “I take off shirt, ride on horse.” 
 
JILL:  “That’s really not necess—” 
 
JOE:  “You have a horse, Vlad?  My parents got me a pony once!” 
 
JILL:  “Joe—” 
 
JOE:  “I named it, ‘Pony Once.’” 
 
JILL:  “Joe—” 
 
JOE:  “I ran him in a race.  He placed last, but he was the fastest Shetland!” 
(long silence) ​
VLAD:  “I take off shirt now.” 
 
JILL:  “Please don’t.  Um, Joe, dear—" 
 
VLAD:  “I take off shirt, ride on horse.  Wimpy man will ride tiny pony…go yeehaa.” 
 
JOE:  “Okay!” 
 
JILL:  “Joe, maybe we should start the summit now.  Remember the script I sent you?” 
 
JOE:  “That was a script?” 
 
JILL:  “Yes!  I outlined our strategy, told you where to sit, how to gesture—you still have it, don’t you?” 
 
JOE:  “Sure, I do!  I put it all on my phone right here so I could—oh wait.  I guess I posted it.” 
 
JILL:  “You what?” 
 
JOE:  “Yep.  There it is, on my Facebook page.” 
 
JILL:  “OH GOD!  OH GOD!” 
 
JOE:  “Man, look at all the comments!  We could use these!” 
 
JILL:  “OH GOD!  OH GOD!”   
 
VLAD:  “We start summit now, yes?” 
 
JOE:  “Why do you keep saying ‘yes?’  Is that a code?  Is this like collusion?” 
(Vladimir just stares ahead, confused) 
JOE:  “Well, let’s just wing it!  I can’t scroll up to the script anyway.  I keep hitting repost.” 
 
JILL:  “OH GOD!  OH GOD!”   
 
JOE:  “Honey, could you stop saying God’s name?  Russians hate that word!  They’re like Democrats!  Now Vlad, I just want you to know, I believe our two great nations can forge a powerful, enduring new partnership, bringing peace and security to the world, wherever China lets us.” 
 
VLAD:  “China?” 
 
JOE:  “But first, Vlad, it’s time to get tough.  I’m going to need a nuclear arms deal.” 
 
VLAD:  “Well, I—” 
 
JOE:  “So as a gesture of good faith, I’ve already gotten rid of ours.  All of them.” 
 
VLAD:  “What?” 
 
JOE:  “Okay, now you go.” 
 
VLAD:  “Sorry, I am…how do you say…confused?” 
 
JOE:  “That’s great, Vlad!  That’s how I always say it!” 
 
VLAD:  “You have disarmed all nuclear weapons?” 
 
JOE:  “Yeah!  I got rid of all our nukes, so now, you go ahead!” 
 
VLAD:  “Very well, I reduce our stockpiles by, say, 10%..." 
 
JOE:  “Really?” 
 
VLAD:  “…of projected 30% increase.” 
 
JOE:  “Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute!  10% of a 30% increase?  That means…wait, don’t rush me…okay, carry the one…MY GOD, MAN, I’LL BE A HERO!” 
 
VLAD:  “Hero?” 
 
JOE:  “Sorry about the God thing.  But wow, 10% of 30%!  That’s like, 50%!  Maybe more!  That’s way better than I expected!” 
 
VLAD:  “Maybe I give too much…” 
 
JOE:  “This is just like our oil deals!  You know, like when I shut down our pipelines and approved yours!  Man, diplomacy is easy!” 
 
VLAD:  “Yes, Russia very grateful.  Growing very rich now.  I buy new horse.” 
 
JOE:  “And now I got you to disarm some…some…you know, the things!  Yeah!  I’ll be a hero!” 
 
VLAD:  “To Mother Russia, my friend, you already are.” 
 
JOE:  “Really?  Wow!”  (grabs phone)  “Here, let me tell everyone…whoops, wrong screen…why does this thing keep posting?” 
 
JILL:  “Joe, give me that!” 
 
JOE:  “Hey, hands off the phone, Jill!  I need this!  Someone wrote me a script!” 
 
VLAD:  “No rush.  Deal not done yet.  Must ratify with Congress.” 
 
JOE:  “Wait, you have a Congress?” 
 
VLAD:  “I speak of America.” 
 
JOE:  “We have a Congress?” 
(long silence) ​
VLAD:  “Okay.  We celebrate now.  I take off shirt.  Drink vodka.  Smoke cigar.  You ride pony.” 
 
JOE:  “Yeehaa!  Man, Trump never got this much done!” 
The End 
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