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I Love It When Trump Doesn’t Act Like Me By Andy Peth

2/11/2020

Trump shocked everyone at the National Prayer Breakfast.

Sure, we knew what had transpired. Impeachment. Acquittal. Betrayal ala Mitt, with a side of religious posturing at its most sickening. And of course, there was Nancy’s infamous tearing of the speech.

A full-fledged coup had failed, and it hadn’t even started with those brazenly one-sided House hearings. Sparked by deep state holdovers, this coup was hatched before Trump ever took office. You know the names: Strzok, Page, Comey, Brennan, Vindman, Sondland—too many to list—all plotting with an even wider group of deep state operatives toward one goal:

Destroy Donald Trump.

Poised to pounce, these soulless creatures circled like demons in a lake of fire. They’d find something, anything, or just make it up. Trump had been down that road (fake dossier, anyone?), but this had gotten worse. Much worse. This was countless people on whom Trump depended, whispering in hallways and meeting at restaurants—while acting respectful to his face.

And it was all aided by those three big influencers of public thought—the media, academia, and the entertainment industry. Over three years, wherever Trump turned, the nation’s most powerful voices told all Americans he deserved this. Trump deserved to be spied upon—in fact, it wasn’t even spying, right? It was just surveilling him without his knowledge. Trump deserved House hearings where the chief prosecutor was also the judge, with 17 witnesses offered against him while none were allowed in his favor. Hey, that’s perfectly normal! In fact, Trump deserved anything ever done to him, as everyone from children to the elderly were programmed with one message: There’s no bad way to take down a dictator.

This was evil. Pure, absolute, and incredibly powerful…evil.

And now, having survived the conspiracy, Trump stood up at a prayer breakfast. Nancy Pelosi was there—perhaps tearing tickets. There were religious leaders, government officials, and of course, the all-seeing media. The stage was set.

Trump held nothing back. Tapping all his frustration—all his pain—Trump let it out at the “wrong” time. He gushed about the horrors of what his family endured. He called out tormenters for doing what they knew was wrong. He even humiliated Mitt and Nancy for hiding wicked actions behind religious rhetoric. Pelosi claims she prays for Trump. He boldly said she doesn’t.

(By the way, Nancy, telling God to make Trump act more like you want him to…isn’t praying for Trump. It’s praying at him. Just an FYI…)

Anyway, Trump’s speech was wholly undignified. It was bad politics. It was the opposite of everything I would do in his shoes. And I loved every minute of it.

No, Trump didn’t do what I’d do. Were I in his shoes, I’d show what many cowards call, “class.” I’d downplay rivalries. Oozing unity, I’d score political points. I’d show no pain, no pettiness, and no anger. I’d be..sigh…presidential.

And I would hate it.

Because let’s be honest here. Most of us have dealt with “deep state operatives,” whether at jobs, in our families, at school, in politics, or yes, even in churches. We know the betrayal. We’ve felt the pain. And while we generally hold our tongues to keep safe, we wish we could do…exactly what Trump did. Yes, publicly. Angrily. In the wrong settings, at the wrong times, and with no restraint whatsoever.

Because really, that’s what these monsters deserve. They deserve the shocking public treatment Jesus gave Pharisees, not the frightened restraint we use to survive. They deserve people standing up at meetings and calling out their corruption. They deserve to feel the pain they cause others.

They deserve this. But they never get it. Not until now.

In a way, Trump spoke for all of us at that prayer breakfast. Have you fallen victim to plotting and scheming? Then Trump spoke for you. Have you been betrayed? Then Trump spoke for you. Have you felt helpless, hopeless, overrun by backroom maneuvers, and damaged by influential liars? Then my friend, Trump most certainly spoke for you.

Trump lost some votes at the National Prayer Breakfast. He was emotional. Hurt. Blunt. Unpresidential. Part of me winced at his self-inflicted setback, thinking, “No! Don’t give back the big gains you’ve made over the past week!”

But a larger part of me celebrated, for Trump didn’t just get things off his chest. He got things off all our chests. Trump wasn’t just saying “You shouldn’t treat me this way.” He was saying, “No one should treat anyone this way!” As monsters heard Trump’s words, his message was crystal clear. Let me paraphrase:

“Ruthless people should never be safe. You don’t like being called out at a prayer breakfast? Well, here’s a novel idea: DON’T HURT PEOPLE YOU’LL SEE AT PRAYER BREAKFASTS!”

Nope, I wouldn’t have done what Trump did. Not in a million years. I’m too presidential to be a good president.

But thankfully, Trump is too good a president to be presidential. Allowing no safe spaces for evildoers, he’ll even disrupt a prayer breakfast. So leave your dignity at the door, ‘kay? Look around you. Terrorists are finally dying. Rival nations are finally negotiating. And like monsters abroad, America’s deep state conspirators are finally realizing there’s nowhere to hide. Not at a prayer breakfast. Not anywhere. The cloak of dignity is removed, because this guy doesn’t care how he sounds. If you conspire to hurt others, Trump just wants to expose you. A lot.

No, Trump doesn’t act like me, and I love it.

Bravo, Mr. President.

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Mittraged By Andy Peth

2/7/2020

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These are great times for President Donald Trump. A triumphant State of the Union Speech. A soaring economy. Rising polls, groundbreaking trade deals, plummeting border crossings, dead terror leaders, zillions of confirmed judges, and crowning it all, a decisive acquittal from the most bogus impeachment charges in history.

Yep, great times.

But one man sought to end all this—a man from Trump’s own party. Amidst America’s fundamental transformation into Heaven on Earth, one wayward Republican plotted our return to hell and despair.

Of whom do I speak? Why, Mitt Romney, of course. Though presumably a right-leaning moderate, when Mitt saw all those America-hating Democrats during Trump’s address—shouting protests, refusing to applaud war heroes, tearing up speeches—when Mitt saw them, he thought, “They should be in charge here!”

The next day, Mitt stood as the lone Republican voting to impeach Trump with no evidence. Having watched the House conduct a stacked inquisition that would make Salem witch judges envious, Mitt stood firm—against facts.

Just add it up:

17 witnesses on one side to none on the other.
The chief prosecutor also presiding as judge.
A phone call with no offer, threat, victim, fraud, or consequences.
Full access and aid provided with no investigation in return.
The lone fact witness admitting Trump wanted no quid pro quo.
House Democrats voting to impeach on the evidence they said they had, then begging the Senate to rebuild their case with more witnesses.

To all this, Mitt said, “Sounds fair to me! Impeach 45! Impeach 45!”

Most laughable was Mitt’s desire to allow a new witness, John Bolton. Folks, this is the worst kind of witness—a bitter ex-employee. But there stood Mitt, ready to erase Trump’s presumption of innocence, outright believing every word parting Bolton’s mustache like a breeze through curtains.

Remember, Mitt is a businessman, and has fired many people. So, just imagine if all of them are brought forth to a stacked court chaired by Mitt’s enemies. Then, as Mitt’s presumption of innocence is summarily waived, every word from these bitter ex’s is treated as gospel. This, my friends, is precisely what Mitt wanted Bolton to do against Trump.

But why, Mitt? Why do all this? I’ve heard some weak theories.

Theory #1: Mitt’s just a RINO.

Wrong, folks. Oh sure, the label might fit, but it has also been applied to Mitch McConnell, Lindsay Graham, Marco Rubio, Rudy Giuliani, and many others who are having the time of their lives working with Trump. My goodness, McConnell almost looks…younger. No, being a “RINO” doesn’t explain Mitt at all.

Theory #2: Mitt’s acting on “principle.”

This is sheer lunacy. Mitt’s a smart guy, knowing full well the impact of his actions. He knows he’s helping a Democrat Party which had trended radically Left, far beyond Mitt’s beliefs. By damaging Trump, Romney helps rescue an ideology that would ruin America—and he knows it.

Coupled with his knowledge of how the House conducted this witch hunt, this makes one truth inescapable: Mitt knows he’s joining the worst of the worst.

Principle? Oh, come on.

Theory #3: It’s for Mitt's career.

Some actually think Mitt sees a potential White House bid in upending Trump. No, folks, he doesn’t.

In truth, Mitt’s political career is finished. Not only has he lost any base support for the Presidency, but Mitt has also ensured his ouster by Utah Republicans when his current term expires. Utah Republicans can’t wait to remove him, and nationally, he has no political home whatsoever.

So, Mitt knows he has destroyed his career and abandoned principle. The question is, why?

The Real Reason:

Okay then, why do this? With principles and career tossed aside, what motive drives Mitt Romney? In a word, the answer is rage. That’s right. Good old fashioned, illogical, blind rage.

Think about those few times in your life when circumstances drove you beyond self-control—perhaps when you were shocked by actions of people you thought you could trust. Think back on the anger; the rage. At those times, did you perfectly measure each word and forecast each outcome? Of course not. In fact, you probably made some of your most regrettable decisions.

Now think about Donald Trump. Personally, I enjoy his manner—the edgy humor, the blunt retorts, etc. Never have I been so UN-bored by a politician! And yet, I realize Trump offends people behind closed doors like they’ve never been offended before. Simply put, he shocks their sense of decorum. He slaps them until they explode. Pressing and insulting, Donald Trump turns their thoughts of disagreement…into rage.

What’s more, Trump then takes private offenses to the public arena, openly pummeling former allies to the delight of his supporters (like me). The objects of his taunts are those who never experienced anything like this from fellow Republicans—people like Romney.

Once highly respected, Romney now has millions jeering him and casting him aside. And all this has been orchestrated by a man who, though a marvelous deal-maker, lags far behind Romney in policy knowledge. Worse yet, Trump’s moves, which seem so simplistic to the Romney’s of Washington, are working. ISIS is gone. The economy is roaring. Wars are decreasing. The border is securing. Trade deals are improving—massively.

How would you feel? Imagine being highly respected, and then having someone come in whose knowledge and skills seem well beneath your own. Worse yet, this person offends you behind closed doors in ways you’ve never experienced. Then he does it publicly. Wow!

Suddenly, you’re being mocked by former supporters, and all ambitions you’ve had moving forward are utterly erased. And it gets worse! Now imagine watching every idea this man has…work. Everyone’s happier. Everything’s better. Even your best friends (like McConnell and Rubio) are having a blast working with this guy—they’re unleashed with newfound energy.

Do you feel the humiliation? Do you feel the rage? Do you sense your frustration—your willingness to throw principle and career aside just to bring him down?

Do you feel yourself becoming someone you never thought you’d be?

Well, it can happen, and I believe it has happened to Mitt Romney. Though seeing incredible dishonesty in the Democrats—both in House hearings and their radical plans for this country—Mitt is willing to help that corrupt bunch burn America to the ground. This isn’t principle. Nor is it ambition. Borne of hopelessness and despair, Mitt wants to watch the America that is rejecting him…burn.

Just burn it all down, baby! That’ll teach us for electing this man! Impeach 45! Impeach 45!

This is rage, folks. Pure rage. It was never about right or wrong—not even close. There is only rage, and on this I will actually give Trump some blame. Trump doesn’t just beat people--he enrages them. And much though I enjoy this when he does it to white cat-petting supervillains at the FBI, Trump could have lightened up on Romney. Yes, Mitt deserved it, but that doesn’t change the consequences. Trump being Trump…turned a frustrated man into a monster.

Now ultimately, Trump isn’t to blame for the Romney’s rage. Trump never forced Mitt to do anything, much less destroy his career, abandon principle, and turn on America itself. Mitt owns all this—not Trump. Mitt is the one who couldn’t handle Trump’s incredible success overrunning his dreams.

But hey, Trump made it worse.

Going forward, all that’s left is a lesson for each of us. After all, many of us have known the pain of watching tormenters rise to relative fame and glory. Gut-wrenching, isn’t it? There you are in that office place, watching someone who has treated you terribly...move up the ladder. You can’t win, you can’t get justice, you aren’t pitied, and you might not even be remembered. The more you protest, the smaller you look. And though you’ve never been a selfish or shallow person, their unbound success feels like mocking hecklers laughing at your expense. It’s almost more than you can take.

But always remember Mitt. Remember that, after years have passed and your life is nearly over, you’ll look back on who you were in these moments. Were you your best self? Did you find peace in your principles? Joy in your faith? Strength in your purpose?

Or were you…Mittraged?

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Debating Amy By Andy Peth

1/24/2020

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(On January 14th, the six leading Democrat presidential candidates held an historic debate. They were: Joe Biden, Bernie Sanders, Liz Warren, Pete Buttigieg, Tom Steyer, and the voice of reason, Amy Klobuchar)

MODERATOR: “I want to thank you each for being here tonight. Let’s get right to the issues. My first question is for Joe Biden.”

JOE: “Fire away.”

MODERATOR: “Joe, you’ve repeatedly said you did nothing wrong in demanding the firing of a Ukrainian prosecutor who was investigating your son Hunter’s company—a company paying him $50,000 per month to sit on a board. Is it true you used $1 billion in taxpayer money as a threat, forcing Ukraine to fire this prosecutor?”

JOE: “I did nothing wrong. The prosecutor was corrupt, and needed to go!”

MODERATOR: “But Joe, doesn’t this benefit your family? Hunter was receiving at least $600,000 per year to do nothing but sit on a board—”

JOE: “Hunter was eminently qualified for that position! He trained years for it!”

MODERATOR: “Trained? It was a Ukrainian oil company, Joe. Hunter knew nothing about oil or Ukraine.”

JOE: “True, but he knew a lot about sitting! Why, my son has been sitting his whole life!”

MODERATOR: “Joe, that’s hardly a qualification for—”

JOE: “Think about it! Hunter got that job in his forties, and he hadn’t achieved one single thing! Ever! Do you think that’s easy? You try it! Try doing nothing but sitting! My God, man, this had nothing to do with me! Hunter was born for that job! He’s a prodigy!”

MODERATOR: “Joe, you were Vice President and in charge of Ukrainian policy. Are you saying your influence—”

JOE: “Hunter couldn’t even walk until he was ten…and he was perfectly healthy! Kid just wouldn’t walk!”

MODERATOR: “—are you saying your influence didn’t get Hunter that position?”

JOE: “His gym teacher tried complaining, but I got that loser fired!”

MODERATOR: “Joe! Maybe you should just talk less."

JOE: “Now, as you all know, Hunter had a drug problem! Yes, I’ll say it! A drug problem! Do you think he did all that cocaine standing up? Hell no! He was sitting, I tell you! Sitting! The only thing he didn’t do sitting was get that girl pregnant, but even then he wasn’t standing!!!”

MODERATOR: “Joe! Are you certain the prosecutor wasn’t fired to protect Hunter? Can you assure us there was no quid pro quo?”

JOE: “How would I know? Those are legal terms, and my son’s the lawyer! Boy, I had a lot of law school profs fired to get that done!”

(Silence)

MODERATOR: “Let’s get Senator Klobuchar’s perspective here. Amy, what do you think of Joe’s comments?”

AMY: (Jaw dropped; mouth open in stunned shock) “Uhhhhh…”

MODERATOR: “That's a fair point. My next question is for Bernie Sanders. Bernie, Kyle Jurek—a member of your Iowa field staff—is on tape saying if you win, the free education you promise will be used to re-educate Trump voters so they won’t be Nazi’s anymore. Do you concur with Mr. Jurek’s statements?”

BERNIE: “I have staff?”

MODERATOR: “Yes, Bernie, you have staff. Mr. Jurek also praised Stalinist gulags, saying we today should put wealthy people in them so they can see what it’s like to break rocks for 12 hours.”

BERNIE: “Well, I guess we could ask if they’ve got room! Does this Stalin guy charge a fee, or is it all free like healthcare and education?”

MODERATOR: “Stalin no longer governs Russia, Bernie.”

BERNIE: “That’s too bad—"

MODERATOR: “—millions died—”

BERNIE: “—‘cause it sounds like he did one hell of a job! Re-education, you say?”

MODERATOR: “Bernie, Russia is now led by Vladimir Putin.”

BERNIE: “Putin? Isn’t he on Trump’s team?” (the crowd cheers) “Hey, alright! I meant to do that!” (the crowd cheers louder) “But seriously, isn’t he?”

MODERATOR: “Bernie, Robert Mueller’s investigation found no evidence of Trump-Russian collusion.”

BERNIE: “Well, this Mueller guy may say that now—”

MODERATOR: “—no evidence—”

BERNIE: “—but wait till we have him re-educated! That’ll teach the bastuhd!”

MODERATOR: “Bernie, do you want to put Robert Mueller in a gulag?”

BERNIE: “Only if it’s free! Why, when I’m King—”

MODERATOR: “—President—”

BERNIE: “—when I’m President, all education, healthcare, and gulags will be free of charge! The wealthy will pay for it!”

MODERATOR: “How will they pay for everything from a gulag cell?”

(Silence)

BERNIE: “I have staff?”

MODERATOR: “Yes! Yes, Bernie, you have staff! And Mr. Jurek is still on your staff! Can you explain why this man is still on your staff?”

BERNIE: “Who?”

JOE: “Can I weigh in here? What I want to know is, why does everyone on Bernie’s staff have a beard? I mean, did you see this guy? Have you seen these people? They all look like they’re in a revolution!”

MODERATOR: “Joe, that’s not fair—”

JOE: “Even the women have beards, for God’s sake!”

BERNIE: “I have women? Which ones are they?”

JOE: “See?! See?! They all look the same! His campaign looks like it’s filmed in Cuba!”

LIZ: “Well, what do you expect from a guy who told me no woman could win the presidency!”

BERNIE: “I never said that!”

MODERATOR: “Bernie, why did you tell Liz a woman couldn’t win the presidency?”

BERNIE: “I never said that!

MODERATOR: “Let’s get Senator Klobuchar’s perspective here. Amy, what do you think of Bernie hating women and thinking they can’t win the presidency—at least until they finish cleaning the kitchen?”

AMY: (Jaw dropped; mouth open in stunned shock) “Uhhhhh…”

BERNIE: “Granted, Amy makes a fine point! But why would anyone believe Liz, when she claimed to be an invalid!”

MODERATOR: “Indian. She claimed to be an Indian.”

BERNIE: “She’s on insulin?”

MODERATOR: “Bernie, are you saying Liz Warren is ly—”

BERNIE: “I never said a woman couldn’t win! Liz, I like you, but you didn’t hear me right! You know how you get when you’re off your insulin!”

LIZ: “I’m not on—look, you said no woman could beat Trump!”

BERNIE: “Not true! I distinctly said no ‘non-man’ could win! That includes Liz, Hillary, Kamala, Tulsi, and of course, Pete over there.”

PETE: “Excuse me?”

BERNIE: “Sorry, Pete, I take it back—”

PETE: “Thanks, Bernie.”

BERNIE: “—Hillary’s no woman.”

JOE: “You got that right, pal.”

BERNIE: “I mean, for starters, where’s her beard?”

(Silence)

MODERATOR: “We’re getting off course here. Mayor Pete, you claimed in a Christmas tweet that Jesus was a refugee. However, the Bible clearly shows Jesus was not a refugee. This has raised concerns that you adapt Scripture to suit your politics.”

PETE: “Are you saying this because I’m gay?”

MODERATOR: Actually, I’m saying it because you’re wrong.”

PETE: “That’s because you don’t know the true story of Christmas! For instance, if we study the original Greek text, we learn Mary was actually a man…a man named ‘Marty.’ Mother Marty.”

MODERATOR: “Mayor Pete, I don’t think—”

PETE: “Now, Marty and Joseph couldn’t conceive on their own, since they couldn’t afford fertility treatments in Galilee. Why? Because Galilee didn’t have Universal Healthcare!"

MODERATOR: “Pete—”

PETE: “Galilee was a hateful place, and hate is not a family value! Not in the original Greek, it isn’t! That’s why Mother Marty and Father Joseph—he might have been a priest, we’re looking into that—that’s why they had to flee this oppression and seek asylum in the tolerant land of Judea!”

MODERATOR: “Actually, there was a census—”

PETE: “Judea was a wondrous place, where boys identifying as girls could shower in girls’ locker rooms, and the girls’ parents couldn’t spread hate by not liking it!”

MODERATOR: “Pete, the census—"

PETE: “So Marty and Joseph went up to Judea with the help of coyotes! These were tolerant, loving coyotes, full of Christian love—”

MODERATOR: “Christianity didn’t exist before Christ.”

PETE: “—but little did Marty and Joseph know that tolerant Judea had fallen under an evil reign; the evil reign of Caesar Augustus! Augustus wanted to ‘Make Judea Great Again,’ so—”

MODERATOR: “Augustus ruled from Rome.”

PETE: “—so Augustus built a Great Wall of Hate around Judea! But together with the Christian coyotes—”

MODERATOR: “Christianity didn’t exist yet.”

PETE: “—Marty and Joseph dug under that Wall, eluding the Border Patrol Storm Troopers—”

MODERATOR: “Storm Troopers?”

PETE: “—and fled to the sanctuary city of Bethlehem! There, thanks to a great Mayor known as ‘Peter the Tolerant,’ Marty and Joseph received their Universal Healthcare, financed solely by making rich Judeans pay their fair share!”

MODERATOR: “Storm Troopers?”

PETE: “And with Universal Healthcare, Mother Marty received fertility treatments, leading to a great miracle! Marty and Joseph were filled with joy—”

MODERATOR: “You realize Mary was with child before this, right?”

PETE: “—but a local King named Herod sought to kill Baby Jesus, calling him an ‘Anchor Savior’ because Marty and Joseph were undocumented! But an angel appeared to Herod and said, ‘Nuh-uh! There are no illegal people, you freakin’ bigot!’”

MODERATOR: “Anyway, about Jesus being a refugee…”

PETE: “Look, if you can’t understand the Greek, then there’s no point explaining this to you!” (Pete storms off stage) “READ THE GREEK!”

(There is an extended silence. Then, at long last, the Moderator speaks)

MODERATOR: “Sorry, I just pictured Linus saying all that in ‘A Charlie Brown Christmas.’ Say, let’s get Senator Klobuchar’s perspective here. Amy, what do you think of Pete’s comments?”

AMY: (Jaw dropped; mouth open in stunned shock) “Uhhhhh…”

MODERATOR: “I couldn’t agree more. Now on to Tom Steyer. Tom, you’ve been critical of President Trump’s trade deals, even though each increases domestic job creation. Can you elaborate?”

TOM: “Thank you. What we have to remember here is, none of these deals discuss the dangers of Climate Change! How can we discuss trade on Mother Earth without involving Mother Earth? If you were to ask all the young people who support me—”

MODERATOR: “There are five.”

TOM: “—if you asked them what concerns them most, they’d say Climate Change! And yet, we ignore their future by leaving this out of trade deals!”

MODERATOR: “But how do we involve Mother Earth in—”

TOM: “Gaia. She prefers to be called Gaia.”

MODERATOR: “Okay, how do we involve Gaia in trade discussions?”

TOM: “The same way we involve every nation! With a representative! And for the good of young people and Great Gaia, I would appoint climate champion, Greta Thunberg!”

MODERATOR: “Soooo…you would send an angry child to represent Great Gaia in trade discussions?”

TOM: “Greta’s anger comes from Gaia! Gaia is angry with us! She’s angry with allllll of us!” (Looks up, with hands pushing skyward in frightened manner) “Gaia is watching! We must appease her wrath! Greta speaks for Gaia’s rage!”

JOE: “Does Greta do this sitting? You know, there’s a market for that.”

LIZ: “Shut up, Joe!”

BERNIE: “Wait, is Greta a non-man?”

LIZ: “Shut up, Bernie!”

MODERATOR: “Settle down, everyone! Settle down! Look, let’s get Senator Klobuchar’s perspective here. Amy, what do you think of sending an enraged child to represent Gaia in trade discussions?”

AMY: (Jaw dropped; mouth open in stunned shock) “Uhhhhh…”

(Silence)

MODERATOR: “I think that says it all, and I think we’ve all heard enough. Thank you, everyone, for coming tonight.”

(Immediately following the debate, the first comment on Anderson Cooper’s Debate Wrap Up came from Gloria Borger: “Well, I think that Amy Klobuchar tried her hardest to distinguish herself as a pragmatist who can tell the rest of the Democrats to get real.”)

There you have it. Winner: Amy Klobuchar

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Praying Nancy by Andy Peth

1/15/2020

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(The following was Nancy Pelosi's first interview after delivering Articles of Impeachment to the Senate)

REPORTER: “Nancy, now that you’ve delivered the Articles of Impeachment to the Senate, do you think about how this all started? Do you think back to that historic impeachment vote?”

NANCY: “It was a sad, sad, sad day for America. A very solemn occasion.”

REPORTER: “Is that why you dressed in black?”

NANCY: “Yes…I never wanted this…I never wanted this...”

REPORTER: “Really? You never wanted to impeach Trump?”

NANCY: “I never wanted to wear black.”

REPORTER: “Oh, I see.”

NANCY: “Makes me look really white—"

REPORTER: “Right, got it.”

NANCY: “—and there are too many white people already—"

REPORTER: “Thanks, I got it.”

NANCY: “—ghostly, hateful white people, like Mike Pence…or that kid from ‘The Grudge’—"

REPORTER: “Got it! Thanks! But you wore black anyway?”

NANCY: “I had to. It symbolized my inner pain. This was all very solemn.”

REPORTER: “Nancy, was it really solemn? At one point, you had to shush fellow Democrats for celebrating.”

NANCY: “No, I didn’t.”

REPORTER: “But we all saw it on—”

NANCY: “Never happened.”

REPORTER: “But they were celebrating and you shushed—”

NANCY: “No one celebrated! I was shushing…Eric Swalwell.”

REPORTER: “Eric Swalwell?”

NANCY: “He has a bit of a gas problem.”

REPORTER: “Oh…right.”

NANCY: “Not that I mind, since it smells just like my home district in San Francisco.”

REPORTER: “You mean the sidewalk issues.”

NANCY: “Thanks to Eric, I’ll never forget my constituents. He keeps me grounded.”

REPORTER: “I see. So Nancy, back to the impeachment vote…”

NANCY: “Oh yes! We were all very solemn! We were in mourning! That’s why I wore black!”

REPORTER: “Okay. But do you think the veil was a bit much?”

NANCY: “It hides the white. Besides, we didn’t all wear veils. Ilhan Omar wore something very different…”

REPORTER: “Oh, was that her under there?”

NANCY: “Yes. Right next to Rashida Tlaib.”

REPORTER: “Got it. Say, why were they filming that video? And what were their demands? Were their hostages in real danger?”

NANCY: “That was just a mix-up. They thought it was a different meeting.”

REPORTER: “Still, it seemed a bit—”

NANCY: “Look, don’t tell me how to run an impeachment! I’m a Catholic, okay?! This is all very solemn! And prayerful! You know, we have God, we have a Pope, we have Adam Schiff, and he chaired the impeachment! He was like, you know, our Impeachment Pope!”

REPORTER: “Impeachment Pope?”

NANCY: “I’m a good Catholic.”

REPORTER: “Impeachment Pope?”

NANCY: “Don’t mock my faith! You don’t have to be Republican to have an Impeachment Pope! Democrats can have Impeachment Popes! I am so offended right now!”

REPORTER: “Look, I didn’t mean to—"

NANCY: “Democrats have faith too! The other day, I was reading that…you know…that book…the one the President put his hand on when we swore at him?”

REPORTER: “You mean ‘Swore him in?’”

NANCY: “We did?”

REPORTER: “Well, Chief Justice Roberts—look, I think you mean The Bible.”

NANCY: “Probably, yes…it was very thick.”

REPORTER: “Nancy, what’s your favorite thing about the Bible?”

NANCY: “Well, I like how it’s all so, you know…so biblical.”

REPORTER: “I see.”

NANCY: “And I’m a good…you know…a good…”

REPORTER: “Catholic?”

NANCY: “Thank you. Yes. That one.”

REPORTER: “Nancy, you said impeachment was urgent, and that our democracy was at stake—then you delayed sending the Articles of Impeachment to the Senate for several weeks. What happened to urgent?”

NANCY: “Well, when something is that urgent, you don’t want to rush it.”

REPORTER: “What?”

NANCY: “I needed time to…to pray. Yes, to pray. I’m always praying for our imposter President. I’m a good Catholic, you know.”

REPORTER: “I got that.”

NANCY: “Besides, I needed to make sure the Senate would have fair hearings, just like ours!”

REPORTER: “But in your hearings, you had Adam Schiff—”

NANCY: “—our Impeachment Pope—”

REPORTER: “—your Impeachment Pope…jeez, do I really have to say that? Okay, you had your Impeachment Pope acting as both Lead Prosecutor and Judge.”

NANCY: “We combined some roles to save on costs. Did it for the taxpayers.”

REPORTER: “You literally auditioned witnesses beforehand.”

NANCY: “Hey! At least we didn’t let Joe Biden come in to run the casting couch like he wanted! This was all kept very professional! And solemn!”

REPORTER: “But the Republicans weren’t allowed to call witnesses. You only had witnesses for one side.”

NANCY: “Had to keep moving. Time was short. Democracy was at stake. It was all too urgent.”

REPORTER: “Too urgent for a defense attorney? The defendant had no lawyer present to cross-examine.”

NANCY: “Didn’t need one. Not with an Impeachment Pope.”

REPORTER: “Well, your Impeachment Pope hid the whistleblower, so we couldn’t know if it was a serious witness or just an activist. The defendant couldn’t even face his accuser!”

NANCY: “It was for the whistleblower’s safety! Trump might have taken him out like he took out Soleimani!”

REPORTER: “Oh, come on…”

NANCY: “Drone strikes! From the sky! None of us are safe! And how do you know Soleimani wasn’t the whistleblower? This could have been retribution!”

REPORTER: “Soleimani was the whistleblower?”

NANCY: “Well…I’m not saying he wasn’t…”

REPORTER: “Anyway, back to the hearings. Nancy, instead of having leftwing academics and bereaved bureaucrats make speeches, why couldn’t you have some witnesses…who actually witnessed something?”

NANCY: “No time! Too urgent!”

REPORTER: “Nancy—”

NANCY: “Democracy was at stake! The apocalypse was upon us! The meteor was bearing down!”

REPORTER: “The what?”

NANCY: “We had to send up that drill team and save the planet!”

REPORTER: “Wait, that’s from ‘Armageddon’—"

NANCY: “You don’t understand the burdens of command! The nation was at risk! Drone strikes! From the sky! I was the only one standing between America and annihilation! My God, man, we barely finished in time for vacation!!!”

REPORTER: “Okay, speaking of God, let’s get back to your faith. You speak often of praying to your God—"

NANCY: “—or Goddess."

REPORTER: “Goddess? But you’re Catholic.”

NANCY: “Not only that, I’m also Catholic! And as a good Catholic, I think it’s high time a woman was elected as God! Our time has come!”

REPORTER: “I’m not sure we get to vote on—"

NANCY: “Next time I vote for God, I’m saying, ‘I’m with her!’”

REPORTER: “Nancy, I don’t think we get to—"

NANCY: “—I’m even thinking of running—”

REPORTER: “—Nancy—"

NANCY: “—I think about these things—”

REPORTER: “—Nancy—”

NANCY: “—because I’m really, you know…wake.”

REPORTER: “Woke.”

NANCY: “Broke? No, I’m quite wealthy—”

REPORTER: “Woke! You’re really woke!”

NANCY: “Woke? Are you sure? What the hell does that mean?”

REPORTER: “It means you wear veils to hide your whiteness.”

NANCY: “Oh…well then, yes…I’m wake.”

(Silence)

REPORTER: “Nancy, what comes next? Will you step aside and let Mitch McConnell oversee the Senate process, or will you issue more ultimatums?”

NANCY: “Well, you never can tell. I’ll need more time to pray. I’m Catholic, you know. That’s why I pray the Rosary.” (gestures to her necklace)

REPORTER: “Nancy, those aren’t beads. They’re diamonds…big ones.”

NANCY: “Yes, well…nothing is too good for my faith.”

(Silence)

REPORTER: “Nancy, I have to ask: Do you really pray to the Christian God, or do you pray to forest spirits in a gathering of druids?”

NANCY: “Well, I only know it’s dark and everyone’s wearing robes. It’s confusing. Half the time I can’t tell who’s under those hoods…except for Eric Swalwell. His robe keeps puffing up like he’s wearing a hoop skirt.”

REPORTER: “Hey, wow, look at the time—”

NANCY: “Whenever it happens, we’re all like, ‘Yep, that’s Eric.’”

REPORTER: “Okay, I think we’re done here.”

NANCY: “He reminds me of my district. Keeps me grounded.”

REPORTER: “Great. Thanks. I think I have all I need.”

NANCY: “Did you know those wire under-skirts were once called ‘Farthingales?’ Kind of ironic.”

REPORTER: “Thanks for sharing that! Gotta go! Good luck at the lynching!”

NANCY: “Oh, I don’t need luck... (she bows her head) ...I’m a woman of prayer.”

0 Comments

The Hunt Has Begun by Andy Peth

12/12/2019

0 Comments

Senator Lindsey Graham made a devastating opening statement yesterday. Just devastating. Piecing together players and actions atop the FBI's “Crossfire Hurricane” debacle, Graham destroyed any notion this Russia Probe was:

A “Lawful investigation with a few irregularities.”
Enacted by low-level, rogue members of the FBI—it came from high-ranking members.
Legal in any way.
Justified in any way.
Driven by anything but intense bias.
Not spying.

Inspector General Michael Horowitz wanted this coup attempt—yes, it was a coup attempt—downplayed. A Deep State guy, Horowitz tried to wish this all away. But as Graham assembled a timeline of incriminating details, it became clear Horowitz was wishing upon a star—a fallen one at that.

Worse yet, Horowitz can no longer cover for his comrades. The ball is leaving his hands, now to be carried by Attorney General Bill Barr and US Attorney John Durham—and these two are pissed. Their comments flatly dismissing Horowitz’s laughable conclusions make one thing clear:

The hunt is about to begin. The coup conspirators are going to be crucified.

Picture James Comey. Picture James Clapper. Picture Brennan, McCabe, Strzok, Page, and the most doomed person of all, former FBI lawyer Kevin “Viva La Resistance!” Clinesmith. Picture them being taken to a private island…then set loose in the jungle, to be chased by skilled hunters and vicious dogs.

That’s what going to happen over the next several months. The hunt—their hell—is about to begin.

Yeah, I know you’re skeptical. “Democrats never get caught!” you’ll say. But understand, Horowitz was their last protection—the last guy keeping them off the island. And he’s now on a boat, sailing away.

The last guy who called spying “not spying”—sailing away. The last guy who said insane bias played no role—sailing away. The last spin machine is gone. All that remains are Barr, Durham, and some equally angry Republican lawyers (those are the dogs, baby) who haven’t fed like this in decades. The conspirators, trapped on this island, are now as helpless as Hunter Biden without Quid Pro Daddy.

Am I seeking vindication? Nope, not good enough. I want reputations destroyed and several conspirators in orange jumpsuits. Heck, if someone creates a 2020 jumpsuit calendar, I’ll buy ten. Legally speaking, I want blood. I want heads mounted on walls—all sporting that terrified look when verdicts come down.

Sound mean? It shouldn’t. I only want what these people did to us for the past three years, by mercilessly hunting the man we elected. These people are supposed to protect us! They’re supposed to honor our votes! Hey Comey, Brennan, McCabe, Strzok, Page, etc…

…YOU WORK FOR US!

When I managed at a casino, many of my customers had opposing political views. Proudly wearing Obama hats and shirts, they embraced someone I felt despised America and wanted it “fundamentally transformed.” Their President would target people like me with the IRS, deepen America's racial divide, apologize for our “arrogance” on the world stage, and as we later learned, weaponize intel agencies to spy on a political rival named Donald Trump.

Their President was, frankly, a monster. A liar. A powerful activist seeing me as some stupid hick bitterly clinging to my God, guns, and antipathy toward people who look different from me.

And yet, did I treat his supporters poorly? On the contrary, I treated them with the highest respect and friendliness! I treated them like gold, because they were my valued customers. They paid the bills! Just like my Republican customers, they deserved great service, BECAUSE I WORKED FOR THEM.

Newsflash, Deep State conspirators: YOU WORK FOR ME! We conservatives pay taxes like everyone else, and you are supposed to serve our needs equally. No bias. No favoritism. You may not like our MAGA hats and shirts, but our tax dollars should never work against us!

When we pay you to protect freedoms, we expect you to set aside bias and serve…period. We don’t expect 17 “mistakes” on FISA apps to all favor one side. We don’t expect rabid leftists like Peter Strzok handling both investigations into Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump. We don’t expect Hillary exonerated (in advance!) when the facts show guilt, and Trump grilled for years with no real evidence. We don't expect documents severely altered so you can "Resist" someone we elected!

And we sure as hell don’t expect you to claim that surveilling someone without their knowledge and placing wired “assets” in their ranks…isn’t spying.

YOU WORK FOR ME! Do you get that? Do you? Or are you going to insult me by saying everything you’re doing is not what you’re doing—because you call it by different names!

Oh please. Of course you’ll insult me! You see me as subhuman, and my tax dollars as your divine right. Protected by a Deep State and corrupt press, you used your tax-funded power to attack the man I elected…and you didn’t care. You hunted him and ruined lives on that island. You didn’t care, because your absolute power absolutely corrupted your stone-cold hearts.

That’s why I rejoiced at the angry responses from Barr and Durham on the Horowitz Report. I realized, “Omigosh, these guys are as mad as I am…and now it’s their turn!” I rejoiced, you Deep State “Resistance” warriors, because I don’t just want vindication. I got that when Mueller imploded and the polls turned against impeachment. Now I want you running for your lives on that island.

I want you to realize, at long last, what we normals have always known: That when you serve someone, whether their hat reads “Obama” or “MAGA,” YOU WORK FOR THEM and they deserve full respect!

I want each of you Deep Staters panicking on that island, as hunting dogs draw closer and you run out of jungle. And when your reputations collapse and the hunters close in, I want you to remember these words: YOU WORK FOR ME!

Because I am the American taxpayer. I am the American voter. I am that forgotten peasant you despise, for whom Lindsey Graham spoke when detailing your despicable sins. And as you fall prey on that island of justice, know this: Bill Barr is me. John Durham is me. All those salivating dogs are me.

YOU WORK FOR ME, you soulless bastards! I voted for Trump, and now our economy is roaring, wages are rising, corruption is exposed, ISIS is gone, nations are paying UN dues and cutting better trade deals, and our border is being secured…because I voted for it!

That’s why I want you on that island—because above all, you hate everything that drains swamps and improves lives! Your hate for truth and prosperity drove you to treachery, and now it’s your turn to run scared!

The hunt—your hell—has begun. Enjoy it. I sure will.

0 Comments

White Boys and Guns By Andy Peth

8/6/2019

1 Comment

Several decades ago, it was far easier to buy a gun, but there were fewer shootings. That's just fact. And yet, some people want us to believe today's culture has nothing to do with these killings. They blame the ease with which we get guns, but that goes directly against history.

Meanwhile, these anti-gunners also ignore the biggest fact: Nearly all shootings occur in cities run by anti-gun leaders they’ve elected. Hello, Chicago, Baltimore, and Detroit. Letting these people decide who gets a gun is like letting James Comey decide who gets a FISA warrant.

More guns aren’t the problem; nor is the ease of buying them. Our culture is the problem. Today's American culture features unending bitterness, in which every school, media outlet and entertainment industry "raises awareness" for groups they deem oppressed. Hey, I hate oppression too, but these people always blame one group: White, heterosexual men.

And this group, incidentally, now perpetrates most mass shootings.

Let’s look at that.

Has it occurred to anyone that using every societal platform to blame one group could provoke that group's worst elements? No, I’m not shifting blame from the shooters—they own their evil.

But schools constantly preach tolerance of every group…except straight white men. TV and movies make straight white men the villains at a dizzying rate. Watch almost any media (especially sports media like ESPN), and you'll see stories of women or people of color "bravely fighting against the system holding them down"—leaving white heterosexual men as their de facto oppressors.

Not convinced? Try this little test: Watch commercials for a couple days, counting how many times a straight white guy is bad or dumb, while someone of another group is good or smart. Then count the times others are bad or dumb, while the straight white guy is good or smart. This will open your eyes.

Example: Home Protection commercials. Many products are advertised to protect your home from criminals. But when dangerous people are depicted, stalking outside your door, how many of these villains are women or men of color? None. It’s always white guys, and presumably straight white guys, since they’re not holding hands while plotting evil. Thankfully, a reasonable monthly fee will protect you from all this white-oxic masculinity.

Could other groups be depicted as threats? Uh-uh. That would be, you know…bigoted.

Look, I get it. Our nation waited a ridiculous 220 years before electing a President who wasn't a white heterosexual man. That creates animosity and talk of glass ceilings. Fair enough.

But we’ve gone far beyond calls for equality. At all levels, from academia to media to sports to commercials, America’s culture casts straight white men in the villain's role. And young white men hear this message—or see it—hundreds of times each year.

America’s history? It’s slavery and chauvinism—by guys like you.
You’re succeeding in life? White privilege.
You’re not succeeding? Laziness.
A person of color was rude to you? Understand him.
A woman was rude to you? Understand her.
You were rude? Admit your hate.
You disagree with them? Until you walk in their shoes (which you can never do), you have no right to speak.
They disagree with you? Diverse opinions open your mind.
Straight white male victim of assault? Crime.
Any other victim of assault? Hate crime.
You want immigrants to come legally? You hate brown people.
You support Voter ID? Voter Suppression.
White athlete wants more money? It’s about greed.
Black athlete wants more money? It’s about respect.
Anti-immigrant El Paso shooter? Trump stokes hate and shootings.
Leftwing Dayton shooter? Silence.
Make America Great Again? That means, “Make America White Again.”

Over and over, the message is clear. Straight white men are the problem. Just watch TV. Or go to any company’s “diversity” training, as these bash sessions “raise awareness” against straight white men (I’ve been to some doozies).

Everywhere straight white men go in America, they receive no quotas, no special scholarships, no advantages whatsoever—and then they’re told they’ve “got it made.” Over and over...day after day…from every direction.

Does this cause shootings? No. Severe mental health issues cause shootings, and shooters alone bear the blame. But when a group sees itself depicted as the problem in setting after setting…

…then that group lives with a baseline of frustration. Not hate, mind you. Frustration. A deep longing for a nation without endless verbal minefields, diversity bash sessions, and home protection commercials. A nation where blame and merit come from one’s actions, not one’s demographics. A nation where groups receiving decades of disproportionate benefits from trillions in wealth redistribution don’t then demand reparations…

…because you’ve got it made.

A nation where laws are the same for everyone.

A nation where all people are beautiful, and every child is a miracle.

A nation at peace.

Until then, the mental health issues of some young white men will be exacerbated by an underlying frustration—a frustration so ingrained through 24/7 messaging, they barely know it’s there. A frustration of being the bad guys for an entire society. A frustration of being silenced when others speak freely. A frustration of being called racist, sexist, or homophobic—unless they embrace Democrat politics of division and preference. A frustration of being told they have it made, when no one’s giving them anything.

I don’t say this for me. I’m a man of peace, and I adore people—all of them. I say this to assess a threat—a threat that grows when one group is blamed while others are excused. Inevitably, the blamed group becomes bitter, while excused groups become predatory. Why do black kids throw buckets of water on cops? Because they can. Why do gay couples target Christian bakeries? Because they can. Why do women launch false accusations of sexual harassment against Supreme Court nominees? You guessed it—because they can.

I worry about America, and all its myriads of precious people. I worry about a country where it has become tougher to buy guns, but we have more shootings.

I worry about young black men shooting up city streets and young white men shooting up mass events. I worry about bullets hitting good folk who just wanted to shop at Walmart. I worry about that precious black kid who was just walking home, thinking of how to ask out a girl who makes him nervous. Then a shot rings out.

I worry about America. All of it. And today, with an entire society poking the chests of straight white men with accusing fingers--blaming, provoking, dismissing, frustrating--today, I'm worried about white boys with guns.

But hey, what do I know? I’m just a white guy. I haven’t walked in your shoes.

And besides, I’ve got it made.

1 Comment

A Democrat Debate By Andy Peth

6/6/2019

5 Comments

(As Democrat presidential candidates file onto stage, the moderator begins shuffling through her notes. But then she notices another chair being placed next to her, and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez sits down)

MODERATOR: “I’m sorry, but why are you here?”

AOC: “I run this Party now! These people must win my hand in endorsement! Yay!”

MODERATOR: “Yay?”

AOC: “I so, so promise I won’t make a sound! Please?”

MODERATOR: “Look, it’s just not—”

AOC: “Pleeeeeeazzzzze???”

MODERATOR: “Uh, sure. Do any candidates object?”

(Awkward silence, then the candidates start talking over each other)

THE CANDIDATES: “Of course not! She’s so smart! It’s perfectly natural! And she’s so smart!”

MODERATOR: “Alright then. Since Ms. Ocasio-Cortez is here, let’s start off with a group question. Show of hands: How many here support Ms. Ocasio-Cortez’s Green New Deal?”

(Long silence, with candidates looking at each other)

AOC: “Oooohhh, I’m getting a pouty face!”

(Slowly, one by one, they raise their hands)

AOC: “Yay! They all like me! Yay!”

(The candidates are all looking down. Alexandria is smiling proudly)

AOC: “They like me ‘cause I’m a snowflake!”

MODERATOR: “Actually, that term has a negative—”

AOC: “It means I’m unique!”

MODERATOR: “Well…sure.”

AOC: “Did you know every snowflake is different from…from everything that isn’t a snowflake?”

(Silence)

AOC: “But snowflakes won’t matter if we don’t do something soon!”

MODERATOR: “About what?”

AOC: “Global Warming! We must stop Global Warming! Otherwise, in twelve years, the Earth will be…older!”

MODERATOR: “Really? Can you predict how much older?”

AOC: “No way! If I do, stupid Trump will just take me all literal!"

MODERATOR: “Uh huh—"

AOC: “Because he’s racist!”

MODERATOR: “Got it. Can we start now?”

AOC: “Yay!”

MODERATOR: “Is that a yes?”

(Beto O’Roarke speaks up)

BETO: “I like you, Alexandria! I even want all border walls torn down! I want this country unprotected, no matter what the cost!”

AOC: “Not enough! More yay!”

BETO: “Throw all ICE officers in prison! Throw them in Mexican prisons! Treat them as war criminals!”

AOC: (clapping) “Yay! Yay!”

(Bernie Sanders jumps in)

BERNIE: “Let death row murderers vote! Let the Boston Bomber vote! And kill all cows before…before…before they fart us off the planet!”

AOC: “Yay!”

BERNIE: (shouting, eyes twitching) “It’s the cows or us, I tell yuh! They must turn from their wicked ways! Then again, turning them probably won’t stop the problem! Maybe we should tip them! Where was I?”

MODERATOR: “Senator Sanders, let’s start with a question for you.”

BERNIE: (still shouting) “What?”

MODERATOR: (louder) “We’re starting with you now!”

BERNIE: “When?”

MODERATOR: “Now!”

BERNIE: “What?”

MODERATOR: “It’s your turn!”

BERNIE: “Hurry Marty! Start the DeLorean!”

MODERATOR: “Excuse me?”

BERNIE: “Remember! 88 miles per hour!”

MODERATOR: “You know, I’m just gonna ask my question. Senator Sanders, the Green New Deal would cost $93 Trillion—”

BERNIE: “—uh huh—”

MODERATOR: “—and you’ve also proposed Medicare for all, free college, free housing for illegal immigrants, and many other programs—”

BERNIE: “—uh huh—”

MODERATOR: “—so by our latest estimates, all your ideas combined would cost more than relocating the entire population of America—”

BERNIE: “—uh huh—”

MODERATOR: “—to Saturn.”

BERNIE: “—uh huh—”

(Long silence, as Bernie and the Moderator just look at each other)

MODERATOR: “Okay, my next question is for Pete Buttigieg. Mayor Pete, you’ve created quite a stir calling out Vice President Pence, but what is your plan to defeat President Trump in 2020?”

PETE: “I’ll start by reminding people how Donald Trump chose Mike Pence—the worst purveyor of hate ever! He doesn’t think being gay is Christian! So he disagrees with me, and disagreement with me is hate! MIKE PENCE HATES ME!”

MODERATOR: “I see. Perhaps some policy differences—”

PETE: “I saw Mike Pence outside my window last night!”

MODERATOR: “Mayor, it’s doubtful you—”

PETE: “He was judging me! I was just feeding the poor while rescuing puppies and honoring veterans, and I looked up, and there was Mike Pence with hate in his eyes!”

MODERATOR: “Mayor—”

PETE: “And I shouted, ‘Why do you torment me, evil Mike Pence! And why are you so white?’”

MODERATOR: “So white?”

PETE: “Look at him! He’s like that girl from ‘The Ring!’ I also saw him staring in the window when I was at a gay bar!”

MODERATOR: “Mayor—”

PETE: “Then I saw him in my rearview mirror!”

MODERATOR: “Mayor—”

PETE: “He’s here right now!”

MODERATOR: “Mayor—”

PETE: (slapping at the air) “Aaaaaaahhhhhh!!”

(Mayor Pete runs off stage. Everyone is silent for several moments, then…)

AOC: “Yay!”

(More silence)

AOC: “My favorite color is happy!”

(More silence)

MODERATOR: “Okay, my next question is for Joe Biden. Mr. Vice President—”

BIDEN: “Hey, call me Joe!”

MODERATOR: “Okay…Joe…you’ve recently had to deal with accusations of groping women.”

BIDEN: “Look, it’s not groping. Groping is abusive.”

MODERATOR: “Well, a couple of them—”

BIDEN: “What I do is more personal, where you really get to know someone. I call it, ‘probing.’”

MODERATOR: “Please don’t call it that.”

BIDEN: “Because people are hurting, you know? They have empty places in their hearts—emotional cavities—and I tell them, ‘I’m Joe Biden, and I’m here to probe your cavities.’”

MODERATOR: “My next question is for—”

BIDEN:   “But don’t worry! All members of my staff wear protective clothing! Here’s a picture of my secretary!”

MODERATOR: “Oh, dear God—"

BIDEN:   “It’s tasteful, without being provocative—”

MODERATOR: “—she looks like the Michelin Man—"

BIDEN:   “—and it says, ‘I’m a big shot campaign staffer, and I can’t feel anyone touching me.’”

MODERATOR: “Joe—"

BIDEN:   “I tell ya, it’s fun watching them move around the office.”

MODERATOR: “Joe—”

BIDEN: “They’re like bumper cars!”

MODERATOR: “Joe—"

BIDEN: “Hey, call me Joe!”

(silence)

MODERATOR: “Joe, what about allegations of hair sniffing?”

BIDEN: “One word: Helmets.”

MODERATOR: “Let’s turn to freshman Senator from California, Kamala Harris. Senator Harris, what sets you apart in this Democrat field?”

KAMALA: “I’m a black woman.”

MODERATOR: “I see that. Anything else?”

KAMALA: “Truth is, we all agree on every issue, but I am a black woman.”

(Cory Booker jumps in)

BOOKER: “Hey, I’m a black man!”

KAMALA: “Oh please! That’s only one demographic! I’ve got two!”

BOOKER: “But I’m blacker than Obama! I took a shade test!”

(Liz Warren chimes in)

WARREN: “You two should be ashamed, peddling race for political gain! My tribal elders would never approve!”

MODERATOR: “Senator Warren, you are 1/1024th Indian.”

WARREN: “And damn proud of it!”

MODERATOR: “That’s like, one eyelash.”

WARREN: “But I identify as Indian! I’m just trapped in a white body! GOD MADE ME WRONG!”

MODERATOR: “Senator Warren, I have an Irish Setter. He’s more Indian than you.”

WARREN: “But—"

(Cory Booker gets angry)

BOOKER: “Hey, if Liz can identify as a woman—”

MODERATOR: “—Indian—”

BOOKER: “—as an Indian—”

MODERATOR: “—better—”

BOOKER: “—then I can identify as a woman! A blacker than Obama woman, with a side of Indian and two dashes of gay Muslim!”

MODERATOR: “Gay Muslim?”

BOOKER: “I can prove it! I’ll throw myself off a building!”

MODERATOR: “You don’t have to—”

BOOKER: “—and I’m also part Viking! I’m a gay Muslim Viking woman! Whatever it takes! Oh God, my campaign needs a reboot!”

(Kamala jumps back in)

KAMALA: “Cory, identifying as a woman doesn’t make you a woman!”

(Everyone gasps)

KAMALA: “Oh come on! I’m black! I’m a woman! Black plus woman! Case closed!”

WARREN: “I’m Indian! And maybe a woman! Case closed!”

(Joe Biden rubs his own shoulders)

BIDEN: “I’m a woman, too! Oh…yeah…”

AOC: “I’m Hispanic I think! Yay!”

MODERATOR: “Alexandria—"

BERNIE: (yelling) “What?”

MODERATOR: “Not you, Bernie—”

BERNIE: “I’m not Bernie?”

MODERATOR: “Let’s turn to Congressman Eric Swalwell. Congressman, you’ve stated that if gun owners resist your confiscation of their automatic weapons, it will be ‘a short war’ because ‘the government has nukes.’ Do you intend to nuke your fellow citizens?”

SWALWELL: “Of course not!”

MODERATOR: “That’s good to hear, because—”

SWALWELL: “The threat is enough! We’ll just wheel nuclear warheads up to their front doors and ring the doorbell. When these NRA crazies open the door and see what’s coming, they’ll back down!”

MODERATOR: “Warheads?”

SWALWELL: “We’ll put a big fuse on the back, with a guy holding a torch. It’s mostly for show.”

MODERATOR: “Congressman, can you tell us what percentage of gun crimes are actually committed by NRA members?”

SWALWELL: “Well, I don’t have the numbers at hand…”

MODERATOR: “Just an approximation, Congressman. What percentage of gun crimes do NRA members commit?”

SWALWELL: “…accounting for NRA membership levels…carry the one…”

MODERATOR: “How many, Congressmen?”

SWALWELL: “…minus depreciation…”

MODERATOR: “What?”

SWALWELL: “…do you want gross or net?”

MODERATOR: “Best guess, sir. What percentage of gun crimes do NRA members commit?”

SWALWELL: “All of them.”

MODERATOR: “Okay, so—wait, all of them?”

SWALWELL: “I’m afraid so. The numbers don’t lie.”

MODERATOR: “Congressman, most gun crimes involve gangs—”

SWALWELL: “—NRA gangs, yes—”

MODERATOR: “—or robberies—”

SWALWELL: “—gotta pay those NRA dues—”

MODERATOR: “—and Muslim Jihadists?”

SWALWELL: “The religion of peace never kills—unless they join the NRA! We should look into that! (stares into camera) And if I’m elected President, we will.”

(Joe Biden’s hand is raised)

MODERATOR: “Would you like to weigh in, Joe?”

BIDEN: “Are we almost finished? I need to pee.”

MODERATOR: “Joe, you can excuse yourself at any time.”

BIDEN: “Oh, thank you!”

MODERATOR: “No problem. Anything to stop you from talking.”

BIDEN: “Because I really have to go—”

MODERATOR: “—please stop talking—”

BIDEN: “—you know how, when you have to go so bad—”

MODERATOR: “—please stop talking—”

BIDEN: “—that when you finally go, there’s an actual recoil?”

MODERATOR: “JOE, PLEASE STOP TALKING!”

BIDEN: “Hey, call me Joe!”

(The moderator slumps her head, and points to the exit. Joe scampers out)

MODERATOR: “Okay, let’s hear from another candidate. Governor John Hickenlooper, what is your message for reaching America?”

HICK: “Hi, I’m John Hickenlooper, and I’m—”

KAMALA: “—WHITE!”

BERNIE: “He is? You bastud!”

MODERATOR: “Bernie—”

SWALWELL: “Yeah! Kill Whitey!”

MODERATOR: “Congressman—”

(Everyone’s shouting) “Down with Whitey! Reparations! Seize Whitey’s land, like in South Africa!”

(from offstage) “Mike Pence!”

(Liz Warren stretches out her hands)

WARREN: “Whitey drove us from…THE GOOD LAND!”

MODERATOR: “For goodness sakes, most of you are white!”

WARREN: “But I identify as—”

EVERYONE: “SHUT UP!”

MODERATOR: “Okay, let’s have another question for Senator Sanders—”

BERNIE: “What?”

MODERATOR: “The debate is still going, Bernie.”

BERNIE: “Did I win?”

(More silence)

MODERATOR: “Bernie, there’s been a large drop in your support among young voters. Could this be because they now have…you know…jobs?”

BERNIE: “That’s the problem! They’re chronically employed!”

MODERATOR: “Chronically employed?”

BERNIE: “This Trump economy is a disease, I tell yuh! Do you think young people want this? How can they find purpose while earning a living? How can they find a sense of accomplishment? That’s only found staying at home on food stamps while other people pay for your college and healthcare! THAT’S LIVING, I TELL YUH!”

MODERATOR: “But, everyone’s hiring right now.”

BERNIE: “Young people won’t fall for all this materialism!”

MODERATOR: “Even my kid started a corporation.”

BERNIE: “They need our help!”

MODERATOR: “He’s five.”

BERNIE: “They’re helpless, I tell yuh!”

MODERATOR: “He’s wearing a suit…and a Trump wig…it’s eerie…”

BERNIE: “Young voters will come back to me, as soon as they realize how helpless they are! THEIR HELPLESSNESS IS MY KEY TO VICTORY!!”

(AOC pipes up)

AOC: “I have a Bouncy Castle shaped like Donald Trump’s head!”

MODERATOR: “Alexandria—”

AOC: “Get it? It’s like I’m in Trump’s head! And it’s like I’m bouncing! Because I am!”

MODERATOR: “OMIGOSH, WILL YOU SHUT UP?”

(AOC’s lower lip starts to quiver. The candidates jump in…)

THE CANDIDATES: “How can you say that? She’s so smart! She totally belongs here! And she’s so smart! Borders are racist! SHE’S WRITING OUR PLATFORM!”

(Joe Biden returns)

BIDEN: “Okay, I’m back! False alarm.”

AOC: “Yay! That’s the best kind of alarm!”

MODERATOR: “Okay, that’s it! I can’t take any more! This debate is over!”

(There is silence, as all the candidates look at each other. Then…)

BERNIE: “Did I win?”

MODERATOR: (head buried in hands) “Sure, Bernie. You won.”

BERNIE: “Yay!”

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Jussie's Confession By Andy Peth

2/21/2019

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(The scene is a police interrogation room. Calmly seated at the lone table is a detective, going over his notes. The door opens. Escorted in by a big, stone-faced guard, actor Jussie Smollett sits down across from the detective. Smollett’s hands are cuffed)

Detective: “Mr. Smollett, you’ve been brought here today to answer a few questions, and we just want the facts. This is regarding your recent—oh, excuse me. Sergeant, the handcuffs aren’t necessary.”

Guard: “Those are his, sir.”

(silence)

Detective: “I see. Mr. Smollett, could you please take those off?”

Jussie: (sighing) “If you insist.” (removes the cuffs, and starts twirling them on his finger) “All better?”

Detective: “Set them down, please. Thanks. (picks up report) Mr. Smollett, let’s cut to the chase. You’re accused of staging an attack on yourself, making it appear this attack came from supporters of the current President. It says here you paid two associates of Nigerian descent several thousand dollars to rehearse, and then carry out this attack while wearing ski masks. Are these the facts of the case?”

Jussie: (waves one hand in air, snapping fingers three times) “You got it!”

Detective: “Gay people don’t actually do that, Mr. Smollett—maybe in the 90’s.”

Jussie: “We don’t? Well then, I’ll just say it! Snap, snap, snap!”

Detective: “Stick to the facts, please. And the handcuffs routine is pretty dated, too.”

Jussie: “Wwwwhaaaaaaat?”

(prolonged silence)

Detective: “Maybe Lieutenant Foster can come in here. He’s gay. But he’ll probably shoot you.”

Jussie: “I’m good.”

Detective: “Let’s get back to the case. After allegedly staging the attack, you claimed these were white men wearing red hats, throwing bleach on you and shouting slurs regarding your race and sexual orientation. You also claim they shouted, ‘This is MAGA country!’…in Chicago. Are you fully aware of these charges?”

Jussie: “Of course! Don’t you think I know my own work?”

Detective: “Just yes or no, please, and…wait, you’re admitting it?”

Jussie: “With pride, snap, snap, snap! This is my bold, daring new approach! Everything’s better with ski masks! Like last month, in my stage production of ‘A Chorus Line,’ the whole cast—”

Detective: “You did ’A Chorus Line’ with ski masks?”

Jussie: “Yes! Picture a whole row of dancers, linking arms—”

Detective: “—just the facts, please—”

Jussie: “—high-kicking—”

Detective: “—just the facts—”

Jussie: “—ski masks turning in unison—”

Detective: “—too many facts—”

Jussie: (singing) “ONE! SINGULAR SENSATION!”

Detective: “Please stop, Mr. Smollett. I can’t unthink that."

Jussie: “Oh, that’s nothing! You should see my remake of ‘Pretty Woman!’”

Detective: “With ski masks?”

Jussie: “Of course! It keeps all the romance and sexiness, but adds an air of (pauses and gasps)…mystery! Who is she? What does she look like under there?”

Detective: “Is she a woman?”

Jussie: “Exactly!”

Detective: “She wears a ski mask…in the tub scenes?”

Jussie: “My fans demand nothing less!”

Detective: “You have fans?”

Jussie: “The shopping scene was tougher. Looked like a robbery.”

Detective: “You have fans?”

Jussie: “But I’m not limited to ski masks! In my latest ‘Wizard of Oz’ remake, Dorothy wears a MAGA hat while dousing the Witch with bleach! Ooooooohhhhh…snap, snap, snap!”

Detective: “Dorothy…in a MAGA hat?”

Jussie: “You should have heard the Witch! Instead of going all, ‘I’m melting!’, she’s like, ‘This stuff burns, you freaking psychos!’ Then she runs off the set and calls a lawyer! It seemed so…so real!”

Detective: “It was real, you idiot. You threw bleach on an actress. That’s assault.”

Jussie: (waving finger in the air) “No, that’s a statement! A statement about white girls from Kansas committing hate crimes against people of color!”

Detective: “The Witch is green, Mr. Smollett.”

Jussie: “I’m raising awareness!”

Detective: “She’s green, Mr. Smollett.”

Jussie: “I’m using my art for social justice! DON’T QUESTION THE CRAFT!”

Detective: “Fine. Is there anything else you’d like to confess—I mean, say?”

Jussie: “No, let’s just hurry this up. I’ve got a seat at the Oscars.”

Detective: “Yeah, I don’t think you’re gonna make it, pal.”

Jussie: “Well, I know Kevin Hart won’t make it! Remember him?”

Detective: “Black comic actor. Starred in Jumanji. Was hosting this year’s Oscars until old tweets of his surfaced, mocking gay people.”

Jussie: “That’s the one! You know, when I saw those tweets, I was like, wwwwhaaaaaaat? So I called him and said, ‘Kevin, we don’t do hate in Hollywood, snap, snap—'”

Detective: “WILL YOU STOP THAT?!”

Jussie: “But Kevin will be back! I’m overseeing his rehab!”

Detective: “Oh great.”

Jussie: “And next Summer, I’ve got him starring in Marvel’s newest hit, ‘Gay Panther!’”

Detective: “Gay Panther?”

Jussie: “For a battle cry, Kevin extends his paw with a sexy scratching motion, and goes, ‘Grrr, baby!’”

Detective: “Too many facts, Mr. Smollett.”

Jussie: “It’s an action thriller, all about the most exciting theme in films today! Tolerance!”

Detective: “Tolerance?”

Jussie: “Yes! Tolerance! Gay Panther opens with a half-hour speech on his fight for global togetherness and oneness and coexistence and…and stuff!”

Detective: “Those are all the same word, Mr. Smollett. Let’s stick to the facts.”

Jussie: “The villain—Hatemonger—will call for building walls around Wakanda—”

Detective: “—Wakanda already has walls—”

Jussie: “—but Gay Panther will convince Wakandans that WALLS DON’T WORK!—”

Detective: “—they do for Wakanda—”

Jussie: “—so Hatemonger responds with his evil catch phrase, ‘I intolerate you!’

Detective: “What?”

Jussie: “But Gay Panther shouts back, ‘Nuh-uh! You’re not gonna Make Wakanda Great Again, you bleach-throwing Nazi!’”

Detective: “Too many facts, Mr. Smollett.”

Jussie: “Then Gay Panther sues Hatemonger for offensive speech!”

Detective: “Thrilling.”

Jussie: ”It is! Once in court, Gay Panther gives another half-hour speech on his fight for global togetherness and oneness and coexistence—”

Detective: “You really hate Kevin Hart, don’t you, Mr. Smollett?”

Jussie: “At last, Warmonger is defeated, and (waving finger in the air) Gay Panther creates a world with no borders, no genders, no red hats, no Walmarts, and…and handcuffs for everyone!!!”

Detective: “Wow.”

Jussie: “Kevin Hart’s making a comeback, baby! Want to do the battle cry with me?”

Detective: (sets down his pen) “So let me get this straight. When you walk out of here, you’re going to do all this for Marvel Studios, Kevin Hart, and your career?”

Jussie: “Grrr, baby! Snap, snap, snap!”

(prolonged silence)

Detective: “You’re free to go, Mr. Smollett. Don’t forget your cuffs.”

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The Positive Salesman Returns By Andy Peth

2/9/2019

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MAGA, baby. What a State of the Union speech.

For a year now, while some critics said Trump should go away, I’ve said our President should just be himself. Tweets? Fine. Rallies? More, please. Interviews on Fox? Keep ‘em coming.

But in 2018, something was lost. Cornered and attacked at every turn, our President wasn’t becoming more like himself, but less. Besieged by unfair accusations, Trump lost some of his jovial persona—that Positive Salesman who won the White House. Nearly unheard was his deal-making, “You’re gonna love this!” sales pitch.

Man, how I longed to hear, "We're gonna do this, and you're gonna LOVE IT!" again. Not just that we were making things great again, but how people were going to love that greatness; how they would love doing great things in a booming workplace.

But what we saw in 2018 wasn’t Positive Salesman Trump. It was Reactive Trump—reacting to everyone opposing him. This athlete is stupid. That actress is ugly and makes bad movies. Every media outlet except Fox is fake news (okay, that’s true). Pelosi is this. Schumer is that. Anyone not loyal is a coward. React, react, react. And as the November results showed, this unnatural Trump wasn’t selling like the natural one. (More on that later)

It was time to bring The Donald back.

On Tuesday night, Positive Salesman Trump returned in full force. Reaching out and lightening up, our President found his groove—with astonishing results. He avoided insults. He applauded the high number of women in Congress. Couched in waves of charm, even his tough stances (abortion, illegal immigration, socialism) were well received. The Great Salesman was back.

You want big numbers? Get ready: After cratering approval following the shutdown (which was still a great idea), Positive Salesman Trump’s speech scored an exquisite 76% approval among viewers, according to CBS. And though the audience skewed Republican, Independents bolstered Trump’s numbers with a sizzling 82% thumbs up. Remarkable. In about 80 minutes, Positive Salesman Trump had erased a year of Reactive Trump. The performance was virtuoso.

Now admittedly, some of us (myself included) enjoyed Reactive Trump. We giggled at the insults. We cheered the barbs. Why? Well, frankly, because we were angry. Having endured decades of compromising, get-along Republicans, we were desperate for a brawler—someone who would actually fight back. Enough Bush’s! Enough McCains! After decades of being mocked while our liberties eroded, we found Trump’s bruising of societal elites…exhilarating.

Problem was, all this exhilaration only felt good to our base. The other two thirds of America—the Middle and Far Left—saw a President fighting to make only one third happy. Were they right? No, but Trump’s reactive persona made it feel that way. And feelings, my friends…vote.

None of this was new, as Barack Obama had the same struggles. An activist President, Obama’s condescending depictions of those outside his base (bitter clingers, anyone?) convinced two thirds of the nation he was advancing one third’s agenda. Once the smooth-talking, hope-peddling idealist, Obama had become a petulant child insulting anyone without a “Hope” t-shirt.

And in the 2010 and 2014 midterms, his Party suffered. Big time.

Political Reality 101: When two thirds think you speak for one third, your Party is doomed. Just witness Reactive Trump’s results. Across the board, poll after poll showed surging opposition in the two thirds, and a depleted one third. In off-year elections and finally November, Republicans performed far below traditional win gaps versus Democrats—even 15-25 points worse. When the final wave hit, the House was lost, and far worse, only 2 Senate seats were gained—barely—when the map should have guaranteed a 7-9 seat gain. Just awful.

Does this mean Trump was the problem? Did he need to go? Not at all. But Reactive Trump? Yeah, that wasn’t working. The Donald needed to be himself again.

Problem is, some of Trump’s supporters were so happy with him bashing critics, they convinced themselves this was the real Trump. On one level, they had a point: Trump always had a fighter’s mentality, being a hard-nosed businessman from New York. But the old Trump fought positively, mixing playful barbs and taunts (Little Marco, Crooked Hillary) with a constant flow of happy thoughts. That Trump didn’t fight like some clod in a bar, flailing away and falling into punches. He fought like Muhammed Ali, floating like a butterfly and stinging like a bee. Just ask Marco Rubio. Or Jeb Bush. Carly Fiorina, Ben Carson, someone named John Kasich—all of them felt the blinding jabs. Each of them were knocked off their games by Trump, not the other way around.

But we’re all human, aren’t we? Think about it: When you endure long periods of unfair attacks, doesn’t it knock you off your game? Don’t you start fixating and sounding paranoid? Most everyone does. And Donald Trump, being much less politician and much more human, was susceptible like any of us. As the Left’s blitzkrieg wore on, Trump just wasn’t Trump anymore.

Until Tuesday.

Suddenly, the Great Positive Salesman returned! Gentle stories grabbed hearts, non-partisan praise raised eyebrows, and policy statements sounded far less demanding and far more promising for all Americans. Somewhere, Marco Rubio looked up and said, “Yep. That’s the guy who beat me.”

Like that great artist of the boxing ring, Muhammed Ali, Trump unleashed his art of the deal with American voters. It worked. Hearing him talk, Americans heard someone making the sale—flattering the customer, honoring the audience, praising the competition, then jabbing them—whatever it took. This felt different. This felt fresh, apolitical, and real. Whereas Obama offered “hope” for social justice revenge, Trump offered hope for everyone. Hearing him, we realized we’re too great not to have good jobs.

And just like Trump’s failed GOP opponents, the media was knocked off its game. Flustered, leftwing talking heads read Trump’s smashing polls through gritted teeth, then stirred up any negativity they could find—or concoct. It was embarrassing, and all I could do was smile.

“This is the Real Trump,” I thought. “This is that Positive Salesman, the guy who’s so busy celebrating success for all Americans, he hasn’t time for paranoia. This is a guy showing up at my door and selling me a vacuum cleaner when I already own three.”

“And best of all, this guy’s jabs carry more punch, hitting home like laser-guided missiles. Last year’s Reactive Trump sounded like a target. This guy sounds like a happy hunter, rooting out targets for all Americans to oppose. Late term abortion? Hey, we’re not monsters like Virginia’s governor. A border wall? It’s protection for all of us, not just rich elites in gated mansions. Socialism? Not in our country, baby. This isn’t Venezuela; we’re winners here.”

And as the numbers show, two-thirds suddenly saw this as their President, not just mine. Like I’ve said for a year, I don’t need Trump to make me feel good—he had me at "hello." I need him to make them—two thirds of our country—feel good.

After all, when they feel good, the media feels bad—and that makes me feel reeeeeally good.

Donald Trump never needed to shut up or stop tweeting or anything else. He just needed to set aside the doubters and be himself again. And on Tuesday night, he did just that.

The results? MAGA, baby. Pure magic. What a speech.

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Colorado Conservatives: Are You Falling For Ground Game Fever? By Andy Peth

1/27/2019

6 Comments

Do you have Ground Game Fever?

Many Colorado Conservatives have seen the Ground Game presentations—you know, the ones laying out how Democrats used well-funded ground games with multi-targeting and several-step touching of new voters in Colorado. These all have something great and something bad:

The “great” is how they recommend needed shifts in our ground game strategy, moving monies from less effective measures to more aggressively connecting with voters. I agree with these. Strongly.

The “bad” is how they completely neglect the context that made such measures succeed for Colorado Democrats. Basically, these Ground Game preachers say, “If we just do what Democrats did, the market will embrace us as it did them.” That, my friends, is preposterous—and dangerously naïve.

In truth, the Colorado market was wholly primed to accept the Democrat message. Flooded with massive population shifts, our state exploded over the past couple decades with new voters—young, minority, or transplants from liberal states—ready to embrace leftist dogma. Never have fields been more ripe for Democrat harvest.

So when well-funded Democrat groups approached these hordes with aggressive voter registration and targeted sales pitches at doorways, they were selling to a market primed to embrace them. Seeing perfect expansion territory in Colorado, Democrats seized it.

Here’s what they saw: All the expanding voter demographics in Colorado had one thing in common--they were bathed in leftist dogma 24/7. Think about it. Young voters, single women voters, suburban women voters, minority voters—all these were preached one-sided messages from the moment they woke up to the moment their heads hit the pillow.

They heard it through the Big 3: Academia, Media (especially sports media, by the way), and all forms of Entertainment. Just look at each targeted demographic, then go to their schools, watch their preferred media (TV or online), and watch all their preferred forms of entertainment. Morning, noon, and night, these demographics are bombarded with hard-left messaging, preparing these “fields” for harvesting by Democrats.

All the Dems had to do was spend big money and equip their troops. The fields were ripe. They just needed to send out harvesters.

And here’s another thing Democrat leaders knew: Their Party recruits and rallies with RAGE. This is why they used The Big 3 for convincing targeted voting groups to be angry at other groups. They pushed anger at the wealthy. They pushed anger at heterosexual men. Anger at the military. Anger at lawful gun owners. White people. Christians. Oil companies. Whoever.

It didn’t matter which groups Democrats cast as villains—they just needed villains. Why? Because no one votes Democrat unless they’re voting against some chosen villain (rich people, Christians, oil companies, men, etc.). DEMOCRATS NEED PEOPLE CONVINCED THAT GOVERNMENT MUST PROTECT THEM FROM PERCEIVED THREATS. This is why Democrats demonize whole groups. They need voters angry and scared, and that is precisely what the Big 3 produced.

Moreover, Colorado saw a population boom in all the most targeted demographics for this strategy. And not only were the fields ripe for Democrat harvest, but they were tilled, seeded, watered, weeded, and in every way prepared for that harvest by the Big 3. So when Democrats registered new voters or passed out invitations at campuses, they were harvesting trees bursting with fruit falling from branches. When they approached suburban women or minority communities, they were picking from rows of corn ready to be plucked by leftwing harvesters.

Despite all this, “Ground Game” preachers now tell rightwing groups all we need to do is harvest the way Democrats do, and we’ll have the same results! Worse yet, these “Ground Game” preachers are blaming their way to power in the Colorado Republican Party. How? Simple: They detail all the effective ground game operations of Democrat groups, without mentioning the population shifts and Big 3 rage preparations making those ground games effective.

They talk all harvest, and no preparing of the fields for harvest.

“We didn’t lose because of demographic shifts or messaging or Trump or anything else!” they insist. “We lost because we got outworked! We lost solely because Democrats used the better ground game! If we just harvest like they do—aggressively connecting with new voters and targeting each voter’s data points—we’ll get the same results! And our leaders are to blame for not doing this!”

Ridiculous. Embarrassing. While I heartily agree with their ground game strategies, their utter neglect of context will bring terrible results.

Folks, if we want to win back Colorado, we must prepare the field before harvesting it. We must completely change our message and approach to one resonating with today’s voters. We must break through the Big 3’s dominance, using clear, impactful messaging that shows voters we’re the good guys and Democrats are the bad guys—and we must do it while lowering the very rage Democrats use to recruit.

Can this be done? You bet! But it won’t happen with enraged “Ground Game” preachers blaming their way to power with promises of harvesting fields we’ve never prepared. We need to change the way Coloradoans see Conservatives and Republicans, and we can’t do this with rage and division in our own ranks. Those things only feed the other side.

One more time: WE MUST PREPARE THE FIELD BEFORE HARVESTING IT. And while I think the “Ground Game” preachers have some great ideas on how to harvest, they offer nothing to prepare that harvest. Nothing but blame. Nothing but rage. Nothing opening the mind of that young person or minority voter or single woman or suburban female executive. Nothing at all.

Just numbers and stats, with no context and lots of anger.

Truth is, these Ground Game preachers aren’t changing the face of our Party. They’re just shoving it in more faces of voters we haven’t prepared. Folks, the greatest irony of Ground Game Fever…

…is that it never prepares the ground.

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I Love It When Trump Doesn’t Act Like Me By Andy Peth

Mittraged By Andy Peth

Debating Amy By Andy Peth

Praying Nancy by Andy Peth

The Hunt Has Begun by Andy Peth

White Boys and Guns By Andy Peth

A Democrat Debate By Andy Peth

Jussie's Confession By Andy Peth

The Positive Salesman Returns By Andy Peth

Colorado Conservatives: Are You Falling For Ground Game Fever? By Andy Peth

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