Blog Posts

This Is No Time To Give Up by Andy Peth

7/28/2017

We’ve all heard the complaint. Many of us voice it ourselves:

“First Republicans said they needed the House to stop Obamacare—but nothing happened! Then they said they needed the Senate—but nothing happened! Then they said they needed the White House—and still, nothing happened! It’s hopeless! We give up!”

Let me state this as clearly as possible: If we give up on the GOP right now, we are fools. Fools of the highest order. Epic, legendary, and almost unprecedented, F-O-O-L-S.

Clear enough?

Take a step back and ponder what just happened. We drove the ball to the opponent’s 5 yard line, but couldn’t punch it in—for now. This isn’t over. In fact, if we pull together over this next year, I can assure you Obamacare will be repealed, replaced, and burned to the ground…by Republicans.

Healthcare will be saved. Why?

Because 2018 should be a banner election for Senate Republicans. 25 Democrat seats are up for re-election, and only 8 Republican seats. Of the 25 Democrat seats, 10 are in states Trump won—5 of those by double digits. On the GOP side, nearly all the Senators are safe.

Even by pessimistic standards, Republicans should expand their Senate majority to 55-45. By more realistic standards, we should see a 57-43 majority after 2018.

Remember, Obamacare was rammed down our throats by a 59-41 Democrat majority, and a couple of today’s Senate Republicans are weak (GOP voters in Arizona and Alaska, you owe us YUGE apologies). Anyone expecting major repeal with a weak 52 seat majority is kidding themselves. They really are.

This isn’t McConnell’s fault—he lacks the votes. This isn’t Cruz’s and Paul’s fault—they’ve been team players like McConnell, voting for good amendments and several bills to end Obamacare.

Ultimately, this isn’t even the fault of McCain and Murkowski. They are who they’ve always been, but GOP voters in Arizona and Alaska chose them anyway. Want to blame someone? Blame Republican voters in those fairly safe states. Heck, I’ll join you.

But if you think it’s time to give up because Republicans promised repeal if they had the House, Senate, and Presidency, then you’re not watching the game. Seriously, you’re not! Looking at 2018, we aren’t just on the opponent’s 5 yard line. No, to complete the football analogy, our opponent just committed interference in the end zone, and we’ve got first down and goal at their 1 yard line.

And yet, we’re ready to punt! ARE WE CRAZY?! WHO PUNTS FROM THE 1? WE’RE ABOUT TO WIN!

So how do we win? That’s an easy, 3-step process:

1.      Open your eyes and see the goal line in front of you. Just do it! Complaining about lost votes and broken promises feels good for a moment, but it doesn’t save America. Want America saved? We’re only a yard away, people! OPEN! YOUR! EYES!

2.      Every Republican should get trained in easy talking points on the problems of Obamacare, then convince one unaffiliated voter—just one each—to want real repeal after 2018. Move the voters this much, and a healthier Senate majority will gladly make sweeping changes.

Win some American voters. Just one each. Hey, just mention soaring deductibles making coverage worthless, and you’ll win several! Also, 16 million of the 23 million who supposedly “lose coverage” with repeal only “lose” it by choice—because they’re no longer forced to buy it. Mention this, and you’ll shock every CNN viewer at the gym. I could give endless examples, since bashing Obamacare is about as hard as bashing Colin Kaepernick at a Tea Party rally.

Young Republicans should convince at least 5 voters each, since they know more independents, and Obamacare is a fiscal assault on the young. Think about it. When everyone pays to cover everyone, the young and healthy pay far, far, far, far, far more for the coverage they use! It’s the ultimate rip-off! Plus, Obamacare’s incredible Medicaid expansion piles hundreds of billions on the National Debt that is paid by—you guessed it—young people!

My goodness, if you’re a young Republican who can’t win 5 people on Obamacare Repeal, then you can’t sell water to a flapping fish on the pier. You can’t sell weed in Boulder. You can’t sell…did I mention weed in Boulder?!

3.      Unite in 2018! Punch that ball in the end zone.

Quit demanding “my kind of Republican!” Welcome back the Tea Partiers, Christian Right, Libertarians, Moderates—anyone you’ve dismissed. Unlike our rival Party, we Republicans are free thinking individualists, not collectivist drones. So allow some free thinking, ‘kay?

In redder districts, run redder candidates who move the agenda. In bluer districts, run more moderate candidates who hold the line on some issues. This means working with Susan Collins in Maine, but we can do better in Arizona and Alaska. Think strategically, people!

Fellow Conservatives, this is no time to give up! This is no time to bemoan missed chances and unfulfilled promises. 2018 is coming. The ball is at the 1. Our opponents are terrified. All we have to do is open our eyes, win some people over, and unite. That’s it! The only thing stopping us is our own complaining!

So smile and relax, people! Why pout and lose ground when we have a year to move voters and finish the job? Is this the time to abandon our one viable political party that can win? Really?

2018 is coming. Our opponents are reeling. It’s first and goal on their 1, and they know it. And yet, here I am, giving the most unexpected advice I could ever give to a team in this position:

Don’t punt.

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Susan Rice Parenting By Andy Peth

4/11/2017

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(The following is taken from a secret recording of Susan Rice with her son)

“…and that’s why good parents always keep a close eye on their kids.”

“But Mom—”

“Please, son, we don’t stand on formalities here. Call me Former National Security Advisor, Susan Rice.”

“Former National—what?”

“Susan, for short.”

“Look, I don’t want my M—my Susan—surveilling me!”

“No, no, no, no! I never surveil you! I just record other people—people who speak with you.”

“But I’m in those recordings!”

“Oh, that’s just incidental! Although…”

“Although what?”

“I’m a bit concerned about your interest in that new girl at school. What do you really know about Katie, anyway?”

“Nothing! I’m working up courage to talk to her! I’ve only mentioned her to my best friends—”

“—real friends don’t leave cell phones open to compromise, dear—”

“—and written about her in my journal—”

“—which you did a terrible job hiding—”

“You’ve read my journal?!”

“No, no, no, no! I just made copies.”

“No!”

“But when my boss, President Obama, ordered they be shared with sixteen other agencies, I might have overheard some things…”

“Mom!”

“Please! Susan! We don’t stand on—”

“Sixteen agencies have my journal???”

“Well, they’re calling it a diary. ‘A boy and his diary.’”

“It’s a journal!”

“Sure it is, son.”

“Mom!”

“Susan! Look, it’s my job to protect you! That’s why I’ve also surveilled people Katie knows! I may have picked up some incidental comments from Katie, too—”

“Leave her alone!”

“I can’t! There were national security concerns involving Katie, and—”

“National Security? Like terrorism?”

“No, no, no, no! We call it, ‘Spontaneous Protest…ism.’   You never know when random shooting can start over a YouTube video.”

“A what?”

“Katie mentioned YouTube videos, and that’s where it starts, young man! One moment these kids are discussing YouTube, the next they’re gathering around embassies with rocket launchers they happened to find! I’ve seen it a thousand times…”

“Mentioning YouTube makes Katie a terrorist?!”

“No, no, no, no! A spontaneous protest-ist! These things just happen, son—”

“—but—”

“—and we wouldn’t have known without your connection to Katie, and her connections to Russia.”

“Russia?”

“‘Katie’ can be short for ‘Katarina.’   That confirmed her Russian ties, so—”

“Russia?”

“But no one suspects you, son!   I assured the agents you’ve always ‘served with honor and distinction’—just like I said about Beau Bergdahl!”

“NO!”

“Katie’s name had to be unmasked for official review, of course—”

“PLEASE, NO!”

“Well don’t look at me! I know nothing about the unmasking I did as part of my duties!”

“STOP IT! JUST STOP IT!”

“What else could I do? She mentioned YouTube! YOUTUBE!! But like I said on MSNBC, ‘I never leaked nothing to nobody!’ I just shared unmasked intel with sixteen other agencies! Don’t you believe in sharing?”

“I used to!”

“It’s a good thing my boss changed those rules in his last week on the job for some reason!”

“But Katie’s innocent!”

“And she’ll have every chance to prove that when she testifies!”

“Testifies?!”

“Sure! Like the team of agents told Katie while dragging her out of that crowded classroom—”

“NO!”

“—they said they would never have known about her potential for YouTube-related violence—”

“—omigosh-omigosh-omigosh—”

“—had you not provided her name—”

“—OMIGOSH-OMIGOSH-OMIGOSH—”

“—in those tear-soaked pages of your diary—”

“AUGH! AUGH! AAAAAAUUUUGH!!!”

“—that they found in your hope chest.”

“I DON’T HAVE A HOPE CHEST!!!”

“Are you sure? The video shows Katie screaming your name, and the agents yelling, ‘Hey! Quit blaming the sissy with the diary in his hope chest!’”

“AUGH! AAAAUUUUGH!!!”

“I saw it on YouTube.”

“But—”

“Relax, they’re professionals! They also provide security for United Airlines!”

“NOOOOO!!!”

“And I can assure you they didn’t use chemical weapons! Like I said when asked about Syria, United Airlines has agreed to ‘voluntarily and verifiably give up its chemical weapons stockpile’—meaning they won’t violate international law when dealing with overbooked flights!”

“WHAT?!”

“Though personally, I wouldn’t go near Katie without a hazmat suit...jus’ sayin’…”

“I WANT A NEW MOMMY!”

“Please, it’s Susan!”

“MY MOMMY IS EVIL!!!”

“Now don’t start believing fake news reports where they keep quoting me!”

“AAAAAAAUUUUUUGH!!!”

(The recording cuts out here. Ms. Rice has declined to testify on its contents)

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Learning From Beck and Lahren By Andy Peth

4/4/2017

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The case of Tomi Lahren’s firing from The Blaze shows why Republicans are struggling to govern in Washington—and all of us are to blame.

Huh? Follow me here.

Sure, I think Lahren erred in calling pro-life Conservatives like me "hypocrites," but I also think Glenn Beck overreacted by firing her. This was a classic case of Conservatives showing our inability to reconcile.

If I were Beck, I’d have responded thusly: "Tomi, I support every choice that doesn't take away someone else's choice, so we only disagree on when someone else's choice is in play. I think human life begins earlier, you think later--a disagreement over science, not Conservatism. Neither of us is a hypocrite.”

That would end it. Lahren would take back her “hypocrite” comment, and all would be well.

But Beck didn’t do that, and here’s why: He doesn’t think in those terms. Neither does Lahren. And lest anyone blame them, the fact is few Conservatives today do think in those terms.

The problem? Today’s Conservatives draw the wrong lines. Rather than draw a clear line between us and the Left, we sketch an elaborate maze within the Right, labeling anyone failing to walk our chosen path as “hypocrites,” “RINO’s,” “purists”—pick a brand.

Lahren made this mistake, labeling as “hypocrites” any Conservatives not walking her path. Beck responded in kind, banishing her for not walking his path. And in Washington, Paul Ryan and Rand Paul made this mistake when trying to replace Obamacare (more on that later).

Let’s try something different: Back out of the maze. Let’s walk out where we entered, and allow me to draw some clear, simple lines:

Line #1: I want to control my own life, not yours. This is the heart of self-governance. Agree with this basic statement, and you’re a Conservative; you’re on our side of the line. If you disagree and wish to control others, you’re a Liberal. So the line I draw is between Choice (Conservative) and Control (Liberal).

But of course, some control is necessary, lest we descend into lawlessness. So how do we decide which choices are okay?

Simple. Just draw the next line.

Line #2: I support every choice that doesn’t take away someone else’s choice. If my choice removes your choice, that’s control—and we Conservatives don’t like that.

For instance, suppose I choose to steal a woman’s purse. Removing her choice of what to do with her money, my choice is a crime. Or suppose I create Obamacare, removing many choices, from coverage options to doctors to making healthy young people buy more than they need. By removing all these choices, my choice crosses the line. I’m controlling people.

The beauty of using my two lines—beyond their simplicity—is their flexibility. Sure, they unite Conservatives, as no Liberal can stay for long on our side of them without killing decades of Democrat legislation. But within Conservatism itself, these lines permit great diversity of thought and application.

Why? Because while Conservatives agree on these two lines, they won’t always agree on where the second one is drawn. In other words, they won’t always agree about when one person’s choice removes another person’s choice. And that’s okay.

Recognizing this, we on the Right can respectfully discuss where to draw Line #2 on each issue, respecting anyone who at least commits to standing on our side of the two lines. So if neither you nor I want our choices taking away the choices of others, that agreement alone lowers hostility. Now we share a common goal. Now we're talking the same language. Now we can relax, accept each other, and discuss the tough issues currently tearing Conservatives apart.

Had Lahren and Beck done this on the issue of abortion—as I demonstrated—they would have reconciled. Not agreed, mind you, but reconciled. They'd still be a team. But they didn't, so now they're a fiasco. And their failure came not because they aren’t Conservatives, but because they forgot what makes a Conservative. Leaving behind simple lines, they entered the maze.

Likewise, while Paul Ryan and Rand Paul ideally want similar healthcare plans, they disagree on how to get there in the current political climate. I prefer Paul’s plan, but I agree with Ryan that the political road to that plan—and the fallout of enacting it—could be treacherous.

Notice how Ryan and Paul are on the same side of my two lines. But failing to see this, each demanded the other walk a “correct” path through the maze. So just like Lahren and Beck, they became disrespectful, incurring great failure instead of success.

Ultimately, is this their fault? No, it’s ours. We’re their constituency; those pressuring them to navigate a maze rather than unite on our side of simple lines. We’re Ryan’s moderate district, telling him to move slowly, avoiding major backlash. We’re also Paul’s libertarian base, telling him to implement pure market principles now, lest Washington erode more liberties. Thanks to us, these two guys face enormous pressure.

Our civil war is so foolish. Hunting each other in a maze—like amateurs playing paintball—we have no right to chastise Beck, Lahren, Ryan, or Paul. Until we back out of the maze, our leaders must echo our division—or lose their base. We built the maze, folks. They’re trapped in it.

It’s hard to believe we won last November, as our civil war turns us from America’s political victors into America’s political joke. Meanwhile, Democrat leaders have no time for mazes. Standing proudly on the opposite side of both lines, they play for keeps. No games. No paintball. They want nothing less than total control over the choices of others, and our amateur infighting is handing it to them.

So, are Beck and Lahren bad people? No, they’re good Conservatives stuck in a bad maze, with the rest of us cheering on “our guy” like mobs at a cage match. This isn’t succeeding, folks. It never will. We need to draw the right lines, debate respectfully, and work together.

Then we can govern. Then we can save America.

And we’d better do it soon.

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A Very Presidential Debate By Andy Peth

9/22/2016

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MODERATOR: “I’d like to welcome everyone to this, the First Presidential Debate of 2016. Mrs. Clinton, we’ll begin with your opening statement.

CLINTON: “Thank you, and thank you for inviting me here tonight—as if you had a choice, right? Am I right? My handlers want me to joke more!” (then, stiffly) “Ha!... Ha!...Ha!”

(silence)

“You know, unlike Republicans, I respect women, black people, Hispanics, gays, and every other helpless group needing me to survive! I am their ‘Champion!’ I cherish them, just like I cherish…ummm…let’s see…puppies! Yes, adorable puppies playing in the store window, wanting a home! And I am that home! Hello, little voters! Your Champion is here to respect you! Yes I am! Good little voters!”

(horrified silence)

“Meanwhile, my ultra-rich opponent cares only for the wealthiest of the wealthy, who fill their lives with needless luxuries—”

TRUMP: “Speaking of luxuries, I had the interior of my jet built exactly like the bridge of the Enterprise. It is so cool.”

CLINTON: “—using fellow Americans like pawns—”

TRUMP: “I make everyone on board lurch side to side, simulating battle action.”

CLINTON: “—satisfying their egos while humiliating others—”

TRUMP: “My Spock wears a Trump wig to look smarter.”

CLINTON: “—and thinking only of themselves.”

TRUMP: “Is it my turn yet? I have some great things to say about me.”

CLINTON: “WILL YOU STOP THAT?!”

TRUMP: “Stop what?”

MODERATOR: “Mrs. Clinton, you criticize wealthy people, but surely the Clinton Foundation has grown so lucrative and powerful—”

CLINTON: (purring) “I have a Foundation?”

(A large picture comes on the screen)

MODERATOR: “Please Mrs. Clinton, isn’t this you chairing a meeting at the Clinton Foundation?”

CLINTON: “What is a picture, really?”

MODERATOR: “Mrs. Clinton—”

CLINTON: “Of course it’s me! I’m just joking again! Ha!... Ha!...Ha!”

MODERATOR: “Please don’t do that—”

TRUMP: “When she laughs, she looks like a nutcracker doll.”

MODERATOR: “Mrs. Clinton, can you at least explain the cat?”

CLINTON: “The cat?”

MODERATOR: “In the picture, you’re wearing sunglasses—indoors—while stroking a large, malevolent-looking white cat.”

CLINTON: “Oh, that’s just Damien! He’s not real, he’s mechanical!”

MODERATOR: “Why would you have a—”

CLINTON: “He sets the mood! We are a Global Initiative, you know. (reflexively, Clinton starts petting an imaginary cat) Our tentacles—sorry, charities—extend everywhere! But I can’t go near real cats.”

MODERATOR: “Allergic?”

CLINTON: “They seem to be!”

MODERATOR: “No, not the—”

CLINTON: “Every time I come within 20 feet, they start hissing and running in circles!”

MODERATOR: “—Mrs. Clinton—”

CLINTON: “—I guess that could be allergies—”

MODERATOR: “—we’re getting off track—”

CLINTON: “—and if I get within 5 feet, they explode!”

TRUMP: “I have that problem with Muslims.”

MODERATOR: “Enough! Mr. Trump, shush! Mrs. Clinton, forget the cats! Let’s discuss your medical records. Can you provide evidence explaining your recent bout of fainting spells?”

CLINTON: “Spells? I haven’t cast those for—”

MODERATOR: “Fainting spells, Mrs. Clinton! You collapsed and left the campaign trail! Did you have pneumonia, Parkinson’s—”

TRUMP: “—a rendezvous with the Dark Lord Satan—”

MODERATOR: “—the flu, heat stroke—”

TRUMP: “—or did that sniper fire finally kick in?”

CLINTON: “What difference, at this point, does it make? Ha!... Ha!—”

MODERATOR: “—please don’t—”

TRUMP: “It makes a big difference! I paid good money for those snipers!”

CLINTON: “Look, I had no rendezvouses—is that the plural?—with any Dark Lords that day! I could show you if my calendar was intact—”

MODERATOR: “—Mrs. Clinton—”

CLINTON: “—but several years were somehow deleted—”

MODERATOR: “—please stop—”

CLINTON: “—since I keep my calendar in a bathroom closet in Colorado, like every other hard-working American mother!”

(Clinton resumes petting the imaginary cat)

MODERATOR: “Look, I’m begging you—”

TRUMP: “Is it my turn? I have closets!”

MODERATOR: “No! Now Mrs. Clinton—”

CLINTON: (speaking under her breath, to the imaginary cat) “One day, they’ll all understand! I am their Champion! I’ll be their First Woman President…Avenger!”

MODERATOR: “We can all hear you, Mrs. Clinton.”

TRUMP: “You know, I have the best closets! They’re hyuuuuge!”

MODERATOR: “That’s not important here, Mr.—”

TRUMP: “—I rent one to Bill Clinton—”

MODERATOR: “—Mr. Trump, please—”

TRUMP: “—he calls it his Oval Closet—”

CLINTON: “Hey!”

TRUMP: “—I have no idea what he does in there—”

MODERATOR: “—please stop—”

TRUMP: “—but like I always say, what happens in Trump Closet, stays in Trump Closet!”

(prolonged silence)

TRUMP: “Bill has friends. My closets are booked for months.”

MODERATOR: “Yes, thank you, Mr. Trump! Now, allow me to ask Mrs. Clinton—”

CLINTON: “I’ve answered enough questions! You’ve been grilling me for 11 hours—”

MODERATOR: “—it’s been three minutes—”

CLINTON: “—and I’ve answered everything our terrified FBI Director won’t prosecute!”

MODERATOR: “You haven’t answered any—”

TRUMP: “You see?! This is what I’ve been talking about! What do you expect from Lyin’ Ted…or Jeb, or…who is my opponent now?”

CLINTON: “I am!”

TRUMP: “That’s right! And whoever you are—wait, are you a woman?—whoever you are, you’re a liar!”

MODERATOR: “Mr. Trump, please refrain from—”

CLINTON: “Me? A liar? No witness has lived to confirm that!”

MODERATOR: “Mrs. Clinton, please—”

TRUMP: “It’s true! No witness will confirm my opponent is a woman!”

CLINTON: “Hey!”

TRUMP: “I mean, it’d take a helluva investigation to figure out—”

MODERATOR: “Mr. Trump, is there a point to all this?”

TRUMP: “There is absolutely a point to all this! An amazing point! I’m the guy who gets things done! I see a mess, and I fix it! I’m hiring a whole fleet of janitors wearing hazmat suits with the best disinfectants…to make my closets clean again!”

MODERATOR: “STOP IT! JUST STOP IT!”

CLINTON: “He said ‘janitors!’ That’s covert racism! He’s insulting my puppies!”

MODERATOR: “WILL YOU PLEASE STOP?! WE MUST GET TO THE ISSUES!”

TRUMP AND CLINTON: “The what?”

(more silence)

MODERATOR: “Mr. Trump, if you build a wall along our southern border, doesn’t that send a negative message to the people of Mexico?”

TRUMP: “Not at all! Remember, there’s going to be a big door in the middle of that wall! Fittingly, I call this door, ‘New Mexico.’”

MODERATOR: “Then won’t New Mexico just be a gateway to—”

TRUMP: “I’ve thought of that! You see, I’m also building a wall around New Mexico—”

MODERATOR: “—but—”

TRUMP: “—it will be done humanely—”

MODERATOR: “—but—”

TRUMP: “—and New Mexico will pay for it—”

MODERATOR: “—but—”

TRUMP: “—it will be one big, happy reservation—”

MODERATOR: “—hey now—”

TRUMP: “—Susanna Martinez…doing a terrible job…gotta stop it from spreading—”

MODERATOR: “Mr. Trump, regarding your feud with Governor Martinez: Before she criticized you, were you even aware of her work?”

TRUMP: “No.”

MODERATOR: “Had you ever heard of Governor Martinez?”

TRUMP: “Who?”

MODERATOR: “Had you even heard of New Mexico?”

TRUMP: “Had anyone?”

CLINTON: “You see?! You see?! It’s because she’s Hispanic! This is how my opponent treats people who don’t look like him!”

TRUMP: “Well, that’s a big group lady, because…(looks directly into camera)…no one looks like me.”

MODERATOR: “Mrs. Clinton, you’ve often called Mr. Trump’s views racist, but what are your proposals on borders and immigration?”

CLINTON: “Oh, that’s simple! Blanket amnesty for everyone without documentation, full funding for sanctuary cities, no E-Verify for employment, full government benefits, and of course, voting rights!”

MODERATOR: “But Mrs. Clinton, don’t you have any intention of enforcing immigration law?”

CLINTON: “If I began caring about laws, wouldn’t it be racist to start with this one?”

MODERATOR: “But voting rights?”

CLINTON: “It’s the only way to be fair! I mean, it’s not like they’re all going to vote Democrat, right?”

(Clinton winks at the Moderator—a long, slow, deliberate wink)

TRUMP: “Gahhh! It’s like she’s folding her face!”

CLINTON: “And besides, I support voting rights for felons—“

MODERATOR: “—yeah, about that—”

CLINTON: “—so what kind of person would I be if I treated violent criminals better than those whose only crime—”

MODERATOR: “—Mrs. Clinton—”

CLINTON: “—is not looking like Donald Trump?”

MODERATOR: “—but—”

CLINTON: “What kind of mother would I be?”

MODERATOR: “—but—”

CLINTON: “I’ll tell you what kind! A bad one! I would be ONE BAD MOTHER!”

(the auditorium falls silent for ten seconds)

CLINTON: “Ha!...Ha!...Ha!” (she resumes petting the imaginary cat) “Yes Damien…it’s all coming together quite nicely…”

(The Moderator turns to ask Trump a new question, but the GOP candidate has lost interest. Trump is lurching side to side, simulating battle action)

TRUMP: “Scotty! I need more power to the shields! I need photon torpedoes! It’s the least you can do, after you stupid Scots opposed Brexit!”

MODERATOR: “Mr. Trump—”

TRUMP: “Evasive maneuvers, Sulu! Like when your country manipulates currency!”

MODERATOR: “What?”

TRUMP: “Mr. Chekov, TEAR DOWN THIS—”

MODERATOR: “Stop it! There is no battle! There is no cat! I think Sulu was Japanese! Aaauuugh!”

TRUMP: “You know, you shouldn’t stereotype.”

MODERATOR: “Aaauuugh!”

(Shaken and defeated, the Moderator curls up in a fetal position and quietly weeps. The debate is over. After a few minutes, he feels a hand on his shoulder and hears a familiar voice)

CLINTON: “Awwww…does someone need a champion?”

2 Comments

Oh, Come On! by Cori Peth

7/17/2016

11 Comments

I doubt many people will read this and even fewer will probably finish it, but really, it’s more for me to release some frustration and try to sort through my thoughts. I was going to go to the gym this morning, but decided to see what was on Facebook…and there went the workout.

The more I read, the more I thought, “Oh, come on!”

I’m really wondering what has become of us. Since 2008, I have watched friends, acquaintances and strangers who all identify as “right-wing” complain. Their outrage has been justified, most definitely. Naming just a few scandals include: Obamacare being forced through Congress using cloture, the SCOTUS decision upholding it (thanks for nothing, John Roberts), the outrageously expensive Stimulus and ballooning national debt, the IRS targeting Conservative and Tea Party groups, Benghazi, Hillary’s email server and the endless web of her lies and deceit, far too extensive to list here.

Ok. Anger, rants, disillusionment all make sense. I totally get it. I’ve done it myself.

But let’s look at today. After rejecting Romney in 2012 (for not being Conservative enough), we have suffered another four years of the Obama administration and Hillary’s corruption. And, my Facebook feed is still filled with anger and rants. What’s scary is that now, the majority of this anger is aimed at other Conservatives (whatever shade of red they wear). I'll leave out names, but people I care about and who ranted for the past 8 years against the scandals listed above, are now saying things like, “I can’t vote for Trump because he’s supportive of Planned Parenthood,” or “I’d rather they win with their monster than we win with ours,” or “I disagree with Hillary on policy, but Trump on character, therefore, Trump is worse.”

To quote a minion, “Whaaaaa????”

Hillary has better character? Oh, come on! We’re talking about the woman who lied to the parents of the Benghazi dead. Through obvious insider trading, she made $100,000 from a miniscule investment on cattle futures. She ran a hit squad targeting victims of her husband’s sexual abuse, and oh, by the way, hid and erased her emails on a private server while receiving millions in donations from foreign nations – donations likely discussed in those deleted emails. How many people have died because of Trump’s decisions? Such a comment represents willful delusion.

Their monster vs. ours? Oh, come on! Ours may be uncouth and at times, a jerk, but no one has died due to his business decisions. And while he has taken advantage of tax laws he didn’t write, please, tell me how many tax deductions you yourself have left on the table approaching April 15th? Meanwhile, Hillary uses her government position to advance her financial status. Joy Overbeck’s most recent column compares and contrasts these two better than I can. After reading it, I dare anyone to try and equate the two. No, I double-dare you.

Planned Parenthood? Oh, come on! This one makes me angry. There’s no comparison. Hillary wants abortion any time, for any reason, including partial birth abortion. Trump has released a list of pro-life judges he’d like to appoint, has asked Ted Cruz to advise him on further appointments and just chose one of the most pro-life VP’s imaginable.

This is not an exhaustive list. It’s the tip of an enormous iceberg of ludicrous and easily disproven exaggerations.

And now that I’ve completely pissed people off, allow me to finish my thoughts.

What has happened to us? I agree that Trump is a DEEPLY flawed candidate and I wish he wasn’t our nominee. That said, I’ve never seen the circular firing squad more active. More vicious. We’ve lost our direction. We’ve forgotten why we are fighting. We don’t love the Constitution or this Country. What we love is fighting with each other.

This country is falling apart and we only have ourselves to blame.

11 Comments

Defending Republican Loyalty by Andy Peth

7/14/2016

1 Comment

Remember loyalty? Used to be seen as a good word. Meant faithful. Steadfast. Devout. If someone pledged loyalty to the Republican Party, we saw honorable allegiance—something to be admired.

Note, I’m not describing gullibility. Gullible people follow without challenging leaders or questioning methods. Doing nothing to improve the Party, they just celebrate the “R” before a candidate’s name. They’re lemmings following leaders off a cliff. That’s gullibility.

Loyal Republicans aren’t lemmings approaching cliffs, but rather soldiers entering war. They know commanders make mistakes. They’ve seen lousy strategy, endured pointless battles, and griped over weak objectives. They get it. Sure they stay, but not with eyes shut. Their eyes are wide open. Understanding the larger war, they know it can’t be won with insufficient numbers—or disloyal soldiers.

Think of the movie, Independence Day. (The first one, not the wretched sequel) All the warring and bickering nations set aside differences to fight a greater threat. Were they naïve? Did they suddenly don rose-colored glasses, seeing every French leader and his mistress as perfect? Not a chance. But everyone got the greater mission. They weren’t gullible—they were realistic. They weren’t deluded—they had perspective. They were focused. They were united.

They were loyal.

Today, Republicans have lost all sense of loyalty...and it’s killing us. Really, this is our big problem. Not too much conservatism. Not too much moderate-ism. Not the Christian Right or the Tea Party or the Libertarians or the hawks or the doves or even the dreaded Establishment.   At this moment in history, the GOP is collapsing because we’ve lost the perspective that comes with loyalty.

We need it back, folks, and we need it soon—or this year will be a disaster.

But before hopping on the Loyalty Train, we must admit why people jumped off it. Who started this mess? No mystery there: It was our leaders. How? Broken promises.

Repeated failures by GOP leaders demoralized the grassroots. We always heard two words: Next year. “Next year we’ll overhaul the tax code! Next year we’ll defund Obamacare! Next year we’ll secure the border! Sorry about John Roberts, but the next judge will be better!” Hearing “Wait till next year!” more often than Chicago Cubs fans, the GOP base came to one inescapable conclusion:

“Our leaders aren’t loyal. We’re fighting for people who won’t fight for us.”

Call those GOP leaders the Establishment, call them the ruling class, call them what you will. Me? I call them the ones who started this. But let’s be honest; they weren’t alone for long.

Grassroots Republicans, full of righteous rage, began threatening to leave—and many did. They went unaffiliated. They joined 3rd parties. Or, they only kept GOP registration to impact primaries, threatening to bail on Election Day if fellow Republicans dared defy them with wrong candidates.

And so these liberty activists campaigned by threats, but something went terribly wrong. Matching disloyalty with disloyalty, they left their party devoid of loyalty altogether. Sure, they could comfort themselves by pointing fingers—“I didn’t leave the GOP! The GOP left me!”—but they weren’t just threatening sheltered elites. They were threatening everyone in their Party.

The rest of the GOP thought, “Democrats are too numerous. We can’t win if people leave!” Panic set in—and anger. People lashed out on social media, where lifelong friendships shattered on the rocks of “Principle!”   Threats escalated—as did exaggerations. Numerous Republican candidates were termed “Just as bad as the Democrats!”, and every suspect vote or past failure was magnified a hundred-fold.

And loyalty? This became synonymous with compromise. With cowardice. And yes, with gullibility.

But again, gullibility comes with blindness, while loyalty comes with vision. No, not just vision for the Great War against Democrat aliens; though that’s reason enough to unite. To rekindle loyalty—loyalty we must have—we also need vision for the Republican Party itself.

If my leftwing upbringing has provided me anything, it’s a deep appreciation for what we really have in the Republican Party.   Okay, please don’t shout. Instead, take a step back with me and look anew at our coalition. We’re worth saving. We’re worth loyalty.

We have a shared belief in personal liberty, but with diversity of thought in applying it. That’s mutual challenge! It’s exciting—and it’s what I never saw on the march-like-cattle, Collectivist Left. Democrats don’t create or challenge; they redistribute what others create, while silencing dissent. Democrats don’t want a free marketplace of ideas; they want a closed classroom of bias. They want control, not liberty—unless it’s their own liberty imposed on others. Do you doubt this? Try reading a Democrat blog sometime. You’ll be stunned at the lack of intellectual challenge. You’ll be amazed at the absence of growth. Man, it is so boring!

The Democrat Party is, however, very large. Politically speaking, they simply can’t be beaten by divided opposition—and this brings up another great aspect of the Republican Party. Not only is the GOP diverse and challenging, but we’re also numerous enough to defeat Democrats! Isn’t that incredible? Republicans are more than a fist-shaking statement or empty protest. We’re a ragtag alliance uniting to stop the alien invasion!

That’s pretty cool.

Recently, many Republicans have allowed the disloyalty of others to spark more disloyalty. We’re a mess. We have no core. Faced with an epic “invasion” this November, we show no vision for the war or appreciation for our coalition. We’re blind; no better than gullible lemmings racing toward a cliff.

To turn the tide, we must open our eyes and revive loyalty, facing each other while admitting two things:

The Democrats are worth fighting against. The aliens must be stopped.
You, my fellow Republicans, are worth fighting for.

It’s time we stopped breaking promises or threatening each other. Both betrayal and threats destroy loyalty—but each can be undone. Just get some vision. Get some perspective. Speak differences face to face, not storming out a door. Find fellow Republicans, letting them know you’re here to win a war, not abandon the only group that can.

And for anyone who believes loyalty is foolish or can’t be restored, I have one last question:

How can we survive without it?

1 Comment

The GOP's Whiny Absentee Parents by Andy Peth

6/20/2016

2 Comments

I need to gripe.

And why shouldn’t I? Everyone else is! I mean, Republicans to my left and right are outraged over a candidate who, by many measures, never should have happened. No, I don’t hate Trump. But he’s an awful debater, his undeveloped views lack consistency, and he angers large groups for no reason. If he somehow fails to get nominated, it won't break my heart.

But constantly I hear, “How could so many stupid people in our Party choose this man? Haven’t they read the Constitution? Don’t they see his faults? What’s wrong with them???”

This is where I get angry, but not at Trump supporters. Not even at Trump. Today, I’m calling out two groups doing most of the griping. Today, my gripe is about the Establishment and Liberty Movement.

I believe Trump is their fault. I really do.

No, I don’t mean everyone in these groups—mostly just elite voices—but for simplicity, I’ll refer to them as a whole. If my concerns don’t apply to you, then consider yourself excused. But hear me out.

For a moment, I want you to imagine the Republican base. Not activists or pompous leaders, but millions of hardworking Republicans who can’t spend endless hours fixating on ideology and politics.   They’re exhausted, folks. Sure, they love liberty; they just don’t obsess over every definition of it. Weighed down by life, these good people simply want a President who won’t say terrorists aren’t terrorists, illegals aren’t illegal, and not all lives matter the same. They only want someone in power who talks normally to them—right where they are, not where they need to be to fit in.

And Trump does precisely that.

Are they stupid? Not at all! They’re just busy! Real world busy! But in terms of ideology and political chess games, most in the base are—don’t get angry here—kids.

Again, don’t blow up. I’m not being condescending. Understand, regarding what’s under the hood of my car, I’m a kid (an infant, actually). Talk football with me and I’m a genius, but ask me to go golfing, and I’m lost. I’ll just chuck my clubs in the nearest pond, clapping my hands and laughing at the splash I made. Many are the areas where I am naïve, gullible, and instantly trusting of anyone who just talks to me and feigns knowledge. My expertise is politics and messaging, but hire me to fix an appliance and I’ll burn your house to the ground.

So again, I want you to imagine the great mass of Republicans as relative kids in this political family. And who are the parents? They are the Establishment leaders and Liberty Movement; those movers and shakers dominating TV screens. And let me tell you, their lousy parenting produced Donald Trump.

Think about two kinds of parents. The first type hardly listens to you, saying they know best and you should just shut up and support the family. So, are you persuaded? Do they inspire you, helping you learn and grow? Of course not! Furious at their arrogance, you instead take advice from any friends who actually listen—even those having zero wisdom and no stake in your future.

Well, I just described Establishment “parents.” Dressed in pricey outfits, they go off to work (Washington), leave us kids with nannies, then insist we can’t live without them. And to think, Mitt wonders why his anti-Trump speech was a disaster. The kids couldn’t run to Donald fast enough.

Now imagine a second parent—the disloyal parent. These either walk out on the family or endlessly threaten to do so, coming around only when they want something. Sure, they show up for major events like Christmas or birthdays—or Caucus—but otherwise they’re off with their buddies. Maybe they’ve even left altogether. But when it comes time for your big life decisions, like marriage or college—or a candidate—they suddenly want to “weigh in.” Tell me, do you care what they say? Not a chance.

These are the Liberty “parents.” As you did with Establishment parents, you’ll ignore them, this time bristling from their disloyalty. You know they’re not committed, and it angers you even more when they claim their highest commitment is “principle.” Gee, thanks.

Memo to both aloof and disloyal Republican leaders: You’ve lost the flock. You’re rotten parents. People--real people—don’t like hearing they must “get in line” behind Big Establishment, or how Big Liberty is just too “principled” to stick around.   The more you do what you’re doing, the more you cause all the dissatisfaction and lowered standards that propelled Trump to victory.

The base had no real parents. So the base ran to a cool guy. It’s that simple.

And here’s the worst part: You two aren’t even united. You’re divorced, shouting at each other and then pulling us aside, telling us how our other parent is the big problem. Yeah, that’s really helping.

With all your speeches and big groups, we in the base only receive one message: You don’t care about us. You care about your success. You care about your meetings. You care about the size of your following, power, agenda, titles—and we kids are just nuisances you want along for the ride.

Well newsflash, people: We’re getting out of the car. I never wanted Trump, but hearing Liberty and Establishment hacks scream at each other and then tell me I shouldn’t listen to Trump…makes me like him more. And believe me, that’s quite a trick. Watching the debates, I was dumbfounded at Trump’s aimless answers. When someone would say, “He just contradicted himself!”, I would respond, “How can you tell?”

I’m a Republican. Yes, I’m a political messaging nerd, but more than anything, I’m just a loyal member of the base. I always listen. I’m not leaving. Neither aloof nor disloyal, I get it when fellow Republicans respond to “Make America Great Again.” It just feels good, while everything in our broken household feels bad. Really bad.

This is what happens when we have crappy parents. Principles and wisdom go out the window, since those tasked with teaching them don’t care about us. They just want to beat each other. We just want to feel good. And the more our neglectful parents yell, “How could so many stupid people in our Party choose this man!” the more the base digs in. And all these crappy geniuses look so surprised.

I’ve often said, “Trump isn’t the problem; he’s a symptom.” The real problem is divided, selfish, neglectful parents for a Party of hardworking kids. As Mom and Dad point fingers and cast blame for “what is to come” this November, we stupid kids are doing something novel; something different.

We’re actually trying to win. Sorry if that offends you.

And with that, I’m done griping. Thanks for listening. I'm off to pout.

2 Comments

Hannitizing Trump by Andy Peth

6/14/2016

0 Comments

I like Sean Hannity. He’s a rightwing cheerleader. A zealot. Though I don’t watch his show to be challenged, it’s fun seeing a gifted interviewer who’s also a homer like me. Using Sean’s own catch phrase when people see the Conservative light, I enjoy being “Hannitized.”

But until now, there’s one word I’ve never applied to Hannity: Strategist. Though capable, Hannity has always been the guy blowing a bugle, leading the battle charge—not a General moving pieces across maps in some tent. And yet, at this moment, Sean gets it when others don’t. Amidst all the angst over Donald Trump’s nomination, Hannity has mastered the key to November success: Hannitizing Trump.

To understand Hannity’s genius, first witness the poor strategy of others—namely the extremes of Grassroots Conservatives (GC’s) and Establishment Never-Trumpers (ENT’s).

(Full Disclosure: I’m more of a GC)

Devastated over Trump’s nomination, GC’s take strong stands—demanding Trump embrace more hardline positions to “earn” their support. Ted Cruz uses this approach, playing to his heartbroken base. Good guy, bad idea. In Trump’s eyes, winners aren’t bullied by those they’ve vanquished. So he resists.

The ENT’s are even worse. Sure, their criticisms are often justified (each ENT boasts bullet-point lists a mile long), and part of me enjoys their newfound embrace of “principle.” I could detail how they’re only assuring catastrophe, but my bigger concern is this: Like the GC’s, the ENT’s are missing a golden, easy opportunity. Why?

Because Donald Trump, with all his warts (and they are legion) is the most moldable piece of clay I’ve ever seen run for President. Influencing this guy is easier than influencing the computer on which I currently type. Just hit the right keys, and presto! Instant results! All you need to know is the key…

…and Sean Hannity’s got it.

The secret lies in understanding Trump himself. Think about it: What has Trump said from the outset of his campaign? “Treat me right.” Many take this as arrogance; a pampered billionaire demanding people kiss his ring and never critique. But Trump, though emotionally a child, is not that kind of child. Trump doesn’t shrink from criticism at all. He almost feeds off it. And while Trump dominates any room, he doesn’t need to dominate a room.

Sound contradictory? It shouldn’t. People needing attention rarely demonstrate Trump’s self-confidence to attain it. Promotions and raises elude those with low self-esteem. Girls don’t date desperate guys. Like many centers of attention, Trump feels little need for the spotlight, but simply knows he belongs there. Hence, he’s a magnet. And he loves it.

No, Trump doesn’t need attention. He needs approval for his deeds. Big difference. Donald Trump is the consummate people pleaser, only requiring approval for doing it. That’s why he constantly talks about how great he’s doing. Give him approval, and he’s yours for life. Withhold it, and he lashes out.

Now before you start shouting, “We can’t have this child in the Oval Office!”, remember that all of us have needs, triggers, insecurities, and so forth. Sean gets this. The writers at National Review and Weekly Standard do not. Sean hits the right buttons and moves Trump like a chess piece, while GC’s and ENT’s get bullied trying to bully him. The contrast is striking.

Knowing Trump’s need, Hannity fulfills it—and Trump responds. Hannity assumes the best, even offering Trump cover with leading questions. Kid gloves, you say? Absolutely. But look at the results!

More than anyone else, Hannity pressed Trump to provide judicial candidates. Presto! Trump provides! Hannity pressed further, saying how he hoped they’d be Conservative. Presto! They’re all pro-life Constitutionalists! Hannity pressed Trump to use a “Team of Rivals” approach, populating his cabinet in advance with well-liked Republicans (both fellow candidates and others). Presto! Trump promised Hannity he’d do just that, releasing them one-by-one, most likely starting at Convention. Hannity pressed for unleashed oil drilling. Presto! Trump’s plan is the most aggressive in decades!

If only I knew Hannity’s inner key. I’d have him make Trump write me a check.

Oh, I know what you’re thinking. “If Trump’s that easy to move, how can we trust him?” That’s easy. People pleasers, once committed, keep commitments as long as they feel appreciated. If more of us treated Trump like Sean does, he’d be far more conservative. I guarantee it.

Another person who “Hannitizes” Trump is Newt Gingrich. Does Newt agree with Trump on everything? No, and Trump doesn’t require agreement—at all. He requires approval for deeds, and Newt lavishes this upon him. Let me assure you, Trump will turn to Newt repeatedly as an advisor.

But along the way, Trump offers conflicting statements, trying to please too many people. Don’t panic. Accept it. Sure, GC’s and ENT’s print off reams of these statements, claiming “evidence” of Trump’s “lies and unreliability.” On one level, they’re correct—dude’s not grounded. But unlike most Conservatives (including me), when Trump says something, he’s not issuing an absolute. He’s opening negotiations, starting strong by sounding absolute. Unethical? Not for him. For Trump, it’s effective—and it’s also why people using his approach get cheaper cars.

Hypothetically, what would happen if Republicans united behind Trump right now? If you’re thinking, “Oh, he’d just carry a grudge and use us,” then you don’t get Trump. Seriously, you don’t get him. Trump can carry grudges, but only with those who don’t show him approval. When people Hannitize Trump, he instantly forgets everything and welcomes them on board. It’s like dangling a watch before his eyes, then snapping your fingers.

Ah, if only my wife were this way.

Does Trump really want to “Make America Great Again,” or is he an egoist with hidden agendas of power? No contest. He’s a people-pleaser, and America is his family. I believe Trump really, truly wants to make America great again. And the more Conservatives approve his good stances, the more he’ll instantly forget bygones and produce more good stances. In fact, if Susanna Martinez were to Hannitize Trump today, he’d embrace her like nothing ever happened. It’s just his way.

Donald Trump is not a great candidate, because he lacks control. For instance, his words about the Hispanic judge sounded racist, but Trump isn’t racist. He just harbored suspicions of racial bias on the judge’s part, and rather than keep these to himself, he foolishly voiced them. But voicing concerns that someone else might be racist does not make one racist. Just clumsy.

So what makes Trump a better candidate? Calling him racist? Dividing against him? No, no, no! These are awful moves, showing no grasp of Trump the man. Conversely, if we simply call the remarks racist but assume better motives, he’ll respond with graciousness and tact. It’s how he’s wired.

The Trump formula is simple: “Treat him right,” and he’ll populate his cabinet with Conservatives, doing great things. He’ll even embrace criticism. Input-output; this guy’s responses are so predictable they’re almost Pavlovian. Does this mean he’ll agree with us on everything? That’s impossible, because we don’t agree on everything—and Trump wants to please everyone. But baby, he will deliver!

Our current situation is best described by the Genie’s song, “Friend Like Me,” from Disney’s “Aladdin”:

“You've got some power in your corner now!
Some heavy ammunition in your camp!
You got some punch, pizzaz, yahoo and how!
See, all you gotta do is rub that lamp, and I'll say:
‘Mr. Aladdin, sir, what will your pleasure be?
Let me take your order, jot it down!’
You ain't never had a friend like me!”

Folks, stop demanding like GC’s. Stop bellowing like ENT’s. Cut out the political melodrama, and just rub the friggin’ lamp, okay? Dangle the watch, click your fingers, and Mr. People Pleaser will please you. I know it’s weird, but Sean Hannity—the unlikely strategist—has shown us the way.

Want success this November and beyond? Then change strategies, and Hannitize Trump.

0 Comments

Insurance Lunch by Andy Peth

5/11/2016

0 Comments

The other day, my wife and I sat down in a nice restaurant. I was starving. But as we perused our menus, she glanced up at me with a curious expression. Then she appeared troubled. Then defiant. At long last, Cori asked a strange question:

CORI: “Andy, remember when you said men are superior drivers?”

ME: “Um, no.”

CORI: “Then how did I get this (deep, manly voice) ‘Allstate safe driving bonus check?’”

ME: “I never said—wait, what happened to your voice?”

CORI: “Nothing! I was just talking about my (man’s voice returns) ‘Allstate safe driving bonus check.’”

ME: “There it is again!”

CORI: (now all in man’s voice) “What’s wrong, baby? Feeling threatened?”

ME: “I don’t under—”

CORI: “Am I threatening your manhood?”

ME: “My what?”

CORI: “You know! Your manhood! Your virility! Your—”

ME: “Look, you just don’t sound feminine.”

CORI: “Who are you to say what’s--(clears her throat in a low, gravelly cough)—feminine?”

ME: “I just don’t think my wife should have a better man’s voice than I do.”

Cori laughed, sounding deeper still. At least I thought it was Cori. Needing confirmation, I grabbed her by the shoulders.

ME: “Listen to me! I’m looking for Cori! Let me speak to Cori!”

CORI: (even deeper) “There is no Cori. There is only Zool.”

ME: “Zool? Like from Ghostbusters?”

CORI: “Zoooooolll—”

As a toothy smile crept over her face, I inwardly noted the date and time; a time when I resolved, once and for all, I was not in good hands with Allstate. Our waiter arrived. This should have provided a welcome distraction, but alas, he was dressed as a snow-covered stop sign.

WAITER: “Hi there. I’m Mayhem.”

ME: “Okay. I’m Destructo.”

WAITER: “I’m the sign you can’t see as you barrel toward that intersection—”

ME: “Funny, I thought you were a waiter not taking my order.”

WAITER: “—and after I total your car, your cut-rate insurance won’t cover—”

ME: “—you’re gonna total my car?”

WAITER: “Well…probably…I mean, after my shift—”

CORI: “Zoooooolll.”

WAITER: “What the hell?!”

ME: “Don’t judge her, pal. You’re dressed as a snow-covered stop sign.”

WAITER: “I’m dressed to make a point!”

ME: “In a restaurant?”

WAITER: “I’m trying to…I’m…it’s…it’s to advertise the special!”

(He ran away)

ME: “Still didn’t take our order.”

CORI: “Zoooooolll—”

ME: “What?”

(Cori was motioning toward the restrooms)

ME: “Oh. Right. You know, I’d better walk you over.”

(As we got close, Cori turned toward the Men’s Room. I intervened)

ME: “Whoa honey! This isn’t Target! You go over there!”

MAN WALKING IN: “Hey, don’t judge her! She can go where she wants!”

CORI: “I am Zool.”

MAN WALKING IN: “Then again, this ain’t no Target.”

CORI: (pointing at Ladies Room) “Zool?”

ME: “That’s right, honey, you go in that one.”

Moments later, two little girls ran out screaming—but it was a small price to pay. Cori then emerged, and I guided her back to our table. She seemed calm…er. The creepy grin was gone. Sure, she was gawking at every nearby meal containing meat, but her snarls were more subdued. Now we could enjoy a quiet dinner. Now we could relax. Now I could engage in some nice, casual small talk.

ME: “So hey, about returning my wife’s body…”

(A guy at the next table leaned over)

GUY: “Having trouble, buddy?”

ME: “We’re fine, thanks.”

GUY: “I understand. I mean, here you have a perfect driving record—”

ME: “—how did you know—”

GUY: “—never miss a payment. You’re like the poster child for paying on time—”

ME: “They have those?”

GUY: “—but one day, you just happen to plow your car into a hospital full of nuns caring for wounded veterans who are all holding puppies—”

CORI: “Zool?”

GUY: “—and next thing you know, a letter arrives from your insurance company, raising your rates!”

ME: “Does it arrive in prison?”

GUY: “They just jack up your rates, man! One little fender-bender! (He’s pounding on his table) And you’re like, ‘Please don’t do this! I have children to feed! It was one freakin’ hospital! Hey insurance company, nobody’s perfect!’”

ME: “But puppies—”

GUY: “You plead for mercy! You call and call, but they just laugh at you, man! THEY LAUGH!!”

(Cori started laughing. She sounded like Jabba the Hut)

GUY: “Exactly! Love the voice, babe! Where was I?”

ME: “Pleading for mercy.”

GUY: “Yeah! You beg for sympathy, but they just keep reeling off casualty numbers! Why can’t they see you’re the victim here?! A victim of predatory insurance!”

ME: “But nuns and puppies—”

GUY: “Doesn’t matter, man! Here at Liberty Mutual, our motto is, ‘We believe in accident forgiveness, so hit whatever you want!’ Yeah, baby!”

While we spoke, something caught my attention; a long, thin shadow, approaching our table. Behind the shadow, walking in a friendly manner, was a surprisingly small figure. A green figure. As it came into view, I found myself staring at a cute little lizard! He was so pleasant! So polite! Instantly drawn to his trustworthy charm, I felt ready to buy whatever product this little salesman might offer! He arrived at our table, took off his adorable little hat, and spoke:

LIZARD: “Hello there, good sir!”

CORI: (Still in man’s voice) “Eeeeek! Zool! Zool! Zool!”

Before I could react, Cori stomped all life out of the little fellow. She moved so fast. Unnaturally fast. Pounding on him with her heels/hooves, she left nothing but a crooked tail, on which was perched a lonely hat. I just stared for several minutes, mouth wide open, before I could speak.

ME: “This will forever haunt my dreams.”

CORI: (nodding in agreement) “Zoooolll.”

The rest of lunch was fairly uneventful. Our waiter brought us food we’d never ordered, then ran away again. Some lady named Flo stopped by, took note of the lizard, frowned, and slowly backed away. A small group of priests encircled Cori; burning incense, speaking Latin, and making crosses in the air…until her normal voice returned. But she then donned an army helmet and started offering free quotes from The General—so they too ran away.

No biggie. I’ve got my wife back. It’s been a week now, the helmet’s still on, and she’s called for 147 insurance quotes—but I’ve got my wife back.

We just don’t do lunch anymore.

0 Comments

Carly's Musical Speech by Andy Peth

4/27/2016

0 Comments

Today, Ted Cruz presented Carly Fiorina as his Vice Presidential candidate. All was smooth as he opened with a stump speech—which ran a bit long. But shortly after introducing his new running mate, things went awry…

TED: “And with that, I am pleased to introduce to you an extraordinary leader, and the next Vice President of the United States, Carly Fiorina!”

(Carly walks on as the crowd cheers)

CARLY: “Today I’m very proud, and very humbled and honored to accept Ted Cruz’s offer to be his Vice President for the Republican nomination. As Ted mentioned earlier, I’ve grown very close with his daughters…we sing on the bus…(she trails off)…and on that note…”

(Ted looks on from offstage, becoming concerned)

CARLY: “…The snow glows white on the mountain tonight, not a footprint to be seen—”

TED: “Wait…why is she singing?”

CARLY: “—a kingdom of isolation and it looks like I'm the queen.”

TED: “VP! Just VP!”

(Ted is waving his hands and giving the “Cut!” sign)

CARLY: “The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside. Couldn't keep it in, Heaven knows I tried.”

TED: “Try harder!”

(Security rushes forward, but they’re frozen in place by a wave of Carly’s hand)

CARLY: “Don't let them in, don't let them see! Be the good girl you always have to be!”

TED: “You freeze people? You freakin’ freeze people?!”

CARLY: “Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know. Well, now they know!”

TED: “But we vetted you!”

(While the crowd stands terrified, Carly dances about on stage)

CARLY: “Let it go, let it go! Can't hold it back anymore! Let it go, let it go! Turn away and slam the door—”

TED: “—on my career?”

CARLY: (singing to Ted) “I don't care what they're going to say!”

TED: “I do!”

CARLY: “Let the storm rage on!”

(Donald Trump at home, smiling) “Oh, it will, baby…”

CARLY: (creates an ice scepter in her hand) “The cold never bothered me anyway.”

TED: “Almighty God, I beseech thee—”

(With a wide sweep, Carly waves her scepter over the audience. They fall to their knees in biting cold, bowing in fear)

CARLY: “It's funny how some distance makes everything seem small! And the fears that once controlled me can't get to me at all!”

(Freezing rows of men, she makes them march before her, North Korean style)

CARLY: “It's time to see what I can do, to test the limits and break through! No right! No wrong! No rules for me! I'm free!”

TED: “Aaaaaauuuuugh!”

(Her ice puppets are saluting to the rhythm)

CARLY: “Let it go! Let it go! I am one with the wind and sky! Let it go! Let it go! You'll never see me cry!”

(Ted is sobbing)

CARLY: “Here I'll stand! And here I'll stay! Let the storm rage on!”

(Her ice puppets march on stage)

CARLY: “My power flurries through the air into the ground!”

(They dance around her as she spins in the middle)

CARLY: “My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around! And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast…”

TED: “Letting me choose someone else?”

CARLY: “…I'm never going back! The past is in the past!”

(As Carly sings, a perfect ice replica of the Lincoln Monument rises up around her)

CARLY: “Let it go! Let it go! And I'll rise like the break of dawn! Let it go! Let it go! That perfect girl is gone!”

TED: “Bring her back!”

CARLY: “Here I stand in the light of day!”

TED: “NO! NOT THE LIGHT OF DAY!”

CARLY: “Let the storm rage on!”

(Trump, at home) “Oh, it will, baby…”

(Having waved Abe from his chair, Carly sits down, scepter in hand)

CARLY: “The cold never bothered me anyway.”

Thus ended the strangest acceptance speech in history. Personally, I liked it.

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