(On January 14th, the six leading Democrat presidential candidates held an historic debate. They were: Joe Biden, Bernie Sanders, Liz Warren, Pete Buttigieg, Tom Steyer, and the voice of reason, Amy Klobuchar)
MODERATOR: “I want to thank you each for being here tonight. Let’s get right to the issues. My first question is for Joe Biden.”
JOE: “Fire away.”
MODERATOR: “Joe, you’ve repeatedly said you did nothing wrong in demanding the firing of a Ukrainian prosecutor who was investigating your son Hunter’s company—a company paying him $50,000 per month to sit on a board. Is it true you used $1 billion in taxpayer money as a threat, forcing Ukraine to fire this prosecutor?”
JOE: “I did nothing wrong. The prosecutor was corrupt, and needed to go!”
MODERATOR: “But Joe, doesn’t this benefit your family? Hunter was receiving at least $600,000 per year to do nothing but sit on a board—”
JOE: “Hunter was eminently qualified for that position! He trained years for it!”
MODERATOR: “Trained? It was a Ukrainian oil company, Joe. Hunter knew nothing about oil or Ukraine.”
JOE: “True, but he knew a lot about sitting! Why, my son has been sitting his whole life!”
MODERATOR: “Joe, that’s hardly a qualification for—”
JOE: “Think about it! Hunter got that job in his forties, and he hadn’t achieved one single thing! Ever! Do you think that’s easy? You try it! Try doing nothing but sitting! My God, man, this had nothing to do with me! Hunter was born for that job! He’s a prodigy!”
MODERATOR: “Joe, you were Vice President and in charge of Ukrainian policy. Are you saying your influence—”
JOE: “Hunter couldn’t even walk until he was ten…and he was perfectly healthy! Kid just wouldn’t walk!”
MODERATOR: “—are you saying your influence didn’t get Hunter that position?”
JOE: “His gym teacher tried complaining, but I got that loser fired!”
MODERATOR: “Joe! Maybe you should just talk less."
JOE: “Now, as you all know, Hunter had a drug problem! Yes, I’ll say it! A drug problem! Do you think he did all that cocaine standing up? Hell no! He was sitting, I tell you! Sitting! The only thing he didn’t do sitting was get that girl pregnant, but even then he wasn’t standing!!!”
MODERATOR: “Joe! Are you certain the prosecutor wasn’t fired to protect Hunter? Can you assure us there was no quid pro quo?”
JOE: “How would I know? Those are legal terms, and my son’s the lawyer! Boy, I had a lot of law school profs fired to get that done!”
JOE: “Fire away.”
MODERATOR: “Joe, you’ve repeatedly said you did nothing wrong in demanding the firing of a Ukrainian prosecutor who was investigating your son Hunter’s company—a company paying him $50,000 per month to sit on a board. Is it true you used $1 billion in taxpayer money as a threat, forcing Ukraine to fire this prosecutor?”
JOE: “I did nothing wrong. The prosecutor was corrupt, and needed to go!”
MODERATOR: “But Joe, doesn’t this benefit your family? Hunter was receiving at least $600,000 per year to do nothing but sit on a board—”
JOE: “Hunter was eminently qualified for that position! He trained years for it!”
MODERATOR: “Trained? It was a Ukrainian oil company, Joe. Hunter knew nothing about oil or Ukraine.”
JOE: “True, but he knew a lot about sitting! Why, my son has been sitting his whole life!”
MODERATOR: “Joe, that’s hardly a qualification for—”
JOE: “Think about it! Hunter got that job in his forties, and he hadn’t achieved one single thing! Ever! Do you think that’s easy? You try it! Try doing nothing but sitting! My God, man, this had nothing to do with me! Hunter was born for that job! He’s a prodigy!”
MODERATOR: “Joe, you were Vice President and in charge of Ukrainian policy. Are you saying your influence—”
JOE: “Hunter couldn’t even walk until he was ten…and he was perfectly healthy! Kid just wouldn’t walk!”
MODERATOR: “—are you saying your influence didn’t get Hunter that position?”
JOE: “His gym teacher tried complaining, but I got that loser fired!”
MODERATOR: “Joe! Maybe you should just talk less."
JOE: “Now, as you all know, Hunter had a drug problem! Yes, I’ll say it! A drug problem! Do you think he did all that cocaine standing up? Hell no! He was sitting, I tell you! Sitting! The only thing he didn’t do sitting was get that girl pregnant, but even then he wasn’t standing!!!”
MODERATOR: “Joe! Are you certain the prosecutor wasn’t fired to protect Hunter? Can you assure us there was no quid pro quo?”
JOE: “How would I know? Those are legal terms, and my son’s the lawyer! Boy, I had a lot of law school profs fired to get that done!”
(Silence)
MODERATOR: “Let’s get Senator Klobuchar’s perspective here. Amy, what do you think of Joe’s comments?”
AMY: (Jaw dropped; mouth open in stunned shock) “Uhhhhh…”
MODERATOR: “That's a fair point. My next question is for Bernie Sanders. Bernie, Kyle Jurek—a member of your Iowa field staff—is on tape saying if you win, the free education you promise will be used to re-educate Trump voters so they won’t be Nazi’s anymore. Do you concur with Mr. Jurek’s statements?”
BERNIE: “I have staff?”
MODERATOR: “Yes, Bernie, you have staff. Mr. Jurek also praised Stalinist gulags, saying we today should put wealthy people in them so they can see what it’s like to break rocks for 12 hours.”
BERNIE: “Well, I guess we could ask if they’ve got room! Does this Stalin guy charge a fee, or is it all free like healthcare and education?”
MODERATOR: “Stalin no longer governs Russia, Bernie.”
BERNIE: “That’s too bad—"
MODERATOR: “—millions died—”
BERNIE: “—‘cause it sounds like he did one hell of a job! Re-education, you say?”
MODERATOR: “Bernie, Russia is now led by Vladimir Putin.”
BERNIE: “Putin? Isn’t he on Trump’s team?” (the crowd cheers) “Hey, alright! I meant to do that!” (the crowd cheers louder) “But seriously, isn’t he?”
MODERATOR: “Bernie, Robert Mueller’s investigation found no evidence of Trump-Russian collusion.”
BERNIE: “Well, this Mueller guy may say that now—”
MODERATOR: “—no evidence—”
BERNIE: “—but wait till we have him re-educated! That’ll teach the bastuhd!”
MODERATOR: “Bernie, do you want to put Robert Mueller in a gulag?”
BERNIE: “Only if it’s free! Why, when I’m King—”
MODERATOR: “—President—”
BERNIE: “—when I’m President, all education, healthcare, and gulags will be free of charge! The wealthy will pay for it!”
MODERATOR: “How will they pay for everything from a gulag cell?”
AMY: (Jaw dropped; mouth open in stunned shock) “Uhhhhh…”
MODERATOR: “That's a fair point. My next question is for Bernie Sanders. Bernie, Kyle Jurek—a member of your Iowa field staff—is on tape saying if you win, the free education you promise will be used to re-educate Trump voters so they won’t be Nazi’s anymore. Do you concur with Mr. Jurek’s statements?”
BERNIE: “I have staff?”
MODERATOR: “Yes, Bernie, you have staff. Mr. Jurek also praised Stalinist gulags, saying we today should put wealthy people in them so they can see what it’s like to break rocks for 12 hours.”
BERNIE: “Well, I guess we could ask if they’ve got room! Does this Stalin guy charge a fee, or is it all free like healthcare and education?”
MODERATOR: “Stalin no longer governs Russia, Bernie.”
BERNIE: “That’s too bad—"
MODERATOR: “—millions died—”
BERNIE: “—‘cause it sounds like he did one hell of a job! Re-education, you say?”
MODERATOR: “Bernie, Russia is now led by Vladimir Putin.”
BERNIE: “Putin? Isn’t he on Trump’s team?” (the crowd cheers) “Hey, alright! I meant to do that!” (the crowd cheers louder) “But seriously, isn’t he?”
MODERATOR: “Bernie, Robert Mueller’s investigation found no evidence of Trump-Russian collusion.”
BERNIE: “Well, this Mueller guy may say that now—”
MODERATOR: “—no evidence—”
BERNIE: “—but wait till we have him re-educated! That’ll teach the bastuhd!”
MODERATOR: “Bernie, do you want to put Robert Mueller in a gulag?”
BERNIE: “Only if it’s free! Why, when I’m King—”
MODERATOR: “—President—”
BERNIE: “—when I’m President, all education, healthcare, and gulags will be free of charge! The wealthy will pay for it!”
MODERATOR: “How will they pay for everything from a gulag cell?”
(Silence)
BERNIE: “I have staff?”
MODERATOR: “Yes! Yes, Bernie, you have staff! And Mr. Jurek is still on your staff! Can you explain why this man is still on your staff?”
BERNIE: “Who?”
JOE: “Can I weigh in here? What I want to know is, why does everyone on Bernie’s staff have a beard? I mean, did you see this guy? Have you seen these people? They all look like they’re in a revolution!”
MODERATOR: “Joe, that’s not fair—”
JOE: “Even the women have beards, for God’s sake!”
BERNIE: “I have women? Which ones are they?”
JOE: “See?! See?! They all look the same! His campaign looks like it’s filmed in Cuba!”
LIZ: “Well, what do you expect from a guy who told me no woman could win the presidency!”
BERNIE: “I never said that!”
MODERATOR: “Bernie, why did you tell Liz a woman couldn’t win the presidency?”
BERNIE: “I never said that!
MODERATOR: “Let’s get Senator Klobuchar’s perspective here. Amy, what do you think of Bernie hating women and thinking they can’t win the presidency—at least until they finish cleaning the kitchen?”
AMY: (Jaw dropped; mouth open in stunned shock) “Uhhhhh…”
BERNIE: “Granted, Amy makes a fine point! But why would anyone believe Liz, when she claimed to be an invalid!”
MODERATOR: “Indian. She claimed to be an Indian.”
BERNIE: “She’s on insulin?”
MODERATOR: “Bernie, are you saying Liz Warren is ly—”
BERNIE: “I never said a woman couldn’t win! Liz, I like you, but you didn’t hear me right! You know how you get when you’re off your insulin!”
LIZ: “I’m not on—look, you said no woman could beat Trump!”
BERNIE: “Not true! I distinctly said no ‘non-man’ could win! That includes Liz, Hillary, Kamala, Tulsi, and of course, Pete over there.”
PETE: “Excuse me?”
BERNIE: “Sorry, Pete, I take it back—”
PETE: “Thanks, Bernie.”
BERNIE: “—Hillary’s no woman.”
JOE: “You got that right, pal.”
BERNIE: “I mean, for starters, where’s her beard?”
MODERATOR: “Yes! Yes, Bernie, you have staff! And Mr. Jurek is still on your staff! Can you explain why this man is still on your staff?”
BERNIE: “Who?”
JOE: “Can I weigh in here? What I want to know is, why does everyone on Bernie’s staff have a beard? I mean, did you see this guy? Have you seen these people? They all look like they’re in a revolution!”
MODERATOR: “Joe, that’s not fair—”
JOE: “Even the women have beards, for God’s sake!”
BERNIE: “I have women? Which ones are they?”
JOE: “See?! See?! They all look the same! His campaign looks like it’s filmed in Cuba!”
LIZ: “Well, what do you expect from a guy who told me no woman could win the presidency!”
BERNIE: “I never said that!”
MODERATOR: “Bernie, why did you tell Liz a woman couldn’t win the presidency?”
BERNIE: “I never said that!
MODERATOR: “Let’s get Senator Klobuchar’s perspective here. Amy, what do you think of Bernie hating women and thinking they can’t win the presidency—at least until they finish cleaning the kitchen?”
AMY: (Jaw dropped; mouth open in stunned shock) “Uhhhhh…”
BERNIE: “Granted, Amy makes a fine point! But why would anyone believe Liz, when she claimed to be an invalid!”
MODERATOR: “Indian. She claimed to be an Indian.”
BERNIE: “She’s on insulin?”
MODERATOR: “Bernie, are you saying Liz Warren is ly—”
BERNIE: “I never said a woman couldn’t win! Liz, I like you, but you didn’t hear me right! You know how you get when you’re off your insulin!”
LIZ: “I’m not on—look, you said no woman could beat Trump!”
BERNIE: “Not true! I distinctly said no ‘non-man’ could win! That includes Liz, Hillary, Kamala, Tulsi, and of course, Pete over there.”
PETE: “Excuse me?”
BERNIE: “Sorry, Pete, I take it back—”
PETE: “Thanks, Bernie.”
BERNIE: “—Hillary’s no woman.”
JOE: “You got that right, pal.”
BERNIE: “I mean, for starters, where’s her beard?”
(Silence)
MODERATOR: “We’re getting off course here. Mayor Pete, you claimed in a Christmas tweet that Jesus was a refugee. However, the Bible clearly shows Jesus was not a refugee. This has raised concerns that you adapt Scripture to suit your politics.”
PETE: “Are you saying this because I’m gay?”
MODERATOR: Actually, I’m saying it because you’re wrong.”
PETE: “That’s because you don’t know the true story of Christmas! For instance, if we study the original Greek text, we learn Mary was actually a man…a man named ‘Marty.’ Mother Marty.”
MODERATOR: “Mayor Pete, I don’t think—”
PETE: “Now, Marty and Joseph couldn’t conceive on their own, since they couldn’t afford fertility treatments in Galilee. Why? Because Galilee didn’t have Universal Healthcare!"
MODERATOR: “Pete—”
PETE: “Galilee was a hateful place, and hate is not a family value! Not in the original Greek, it isn’t! That’s why Mother Marty and Father Joseph—he might have been a priest, we’re looking into that—that’s why they had to flee this oppression and seek asylum in the tolerant land of Judea!”
MODERATOR: “Actually, there was a census—”
PETE: “Judea was a wondrous place, where boys identifying as girls could shower in girls’ locker rooms, and the girls’ parents couldn’t spread hate by not liking it!”
MODERATOR: “Pete, the census—"
PETE: “So Marty and Joseph went up to Judea with the help of coyotes! These were tolerant, loving coyotes, full of Christian love—”
MODERATOR: “Christianity didn’t exist before Christ.”
PETE: “—but little did Marty and Joseph know that tolerant Judea had fallen under an evil reign; the evil reign of Caesar Augustus! Augustus wanted to ‘Make Judea Great Again,’ so—”
MODERATOR: “Augustus ruled from Rome.”
PETE: “—so Augustus built a Great Wall of Hate around Judea! But together with the Christian coyotes—”
MODERATOR: “Christianity didn’t exist yet.”
PETE: “—Marty and Joseph dug under that Wall, eluding the Border Patrol Storm Troopers—”
MODERATOR: “Storm Troopers?”
PETE: “—and fled to the sanctuary city of Bethlehem! There, thanks to a great Mayor known as ‘Peter the Tolerant,’ Marty and Joseph received their Universal Healthcare, financed solely by making rich Judeans pay their fair share!”
MODERATOR: “Storm Troopers?”
PETE: “And with Universal Healthcare, Mother Marty received fertility treatments, leading to a great miracle! Marty and Joseph were filled with joy—”
MODERATOR: “You realize Mary was with child before this, right?”
PETE: “—but a local King named Herod sought to kill Baby Jesus, calling him an ‘Anchor Savior’ because Marty and Joseph were undocumented! But an angel appeared to Herod and said, ‘Nuh-uh! There are no illegal people, you freakin’ bigot!’”
MODERATOR: “Anyway, about Jesus being a refugee…”
PETE: “Look, if you can’t understand the Greek, then there’s no point explaining this to you!” (Pete storms off stage) “READ THE GREEK!”
PETE: “Are you saying this because I’m gay?”
MODERATOR: Actually, I’m saying it because you’re wrong.”
PETE: “That’s because you don’t know the true story of Christmas! For instance, if we study the original Greek text, we learn Mary was actually a man…a man named ‘Marty.’ Mother Marty.”
MODERATOR: “Mayor Pete, I don’t think—”
PETE: “Now, Marty and Joseph couldn’t conceive on their own, since they couldn’t afford fertility treatments in Galilee. Why? Because Galilee didn’t have Universal Healthcare!"
MODERATOR: “Pete—”
PETE: “Galilee was a hateful place, and hate is not a family value! Not in the original Greek, it isn’t! That’s why Mother Marty and Father Joseph—he might have been a priest, we’re looking into that—that’s why they had to flee this oppression and seek asylum in the tolerant land of Judea!”
MODERATOR: “Actually, there was a census—”
PETE: “Judea was a wondrous place, where boys identifying as girls could shower in girls’ locker rooms, and the girls’ parents couldn’t spread hate by not liking it!”
MODERATOR: “Pete, the census—"
PETE: “So Marty and Joseph went up to Judea with the help of coyotes! These were tolerant, loving coyotes, full of Christian love—”
MODERATOR: “Christianity didn’t exist before Christ.”
PETE: “—but little did Marty and Joseph know that tolerant Judea had fallen under an evil reign; the evil reign of Caesar Augustus! Augustus wanted to ‘Make Judea Great Again,’ so—”
MODERATOR: “Augustus ruled from Rome.”
PETE: “—so Augustus built a Great Wall of Hate around Judea! But together with the Christian coyotes—”
MODERATOR: “Christianity didn’t exist yet.”
PETE: “—Marty and Joseph dug under that Wall, eluding the Border Patrol Storm Troopers—”
MODERATOR: “Storm Troopers?”
PETE: “—and fled to the sanctuary city of Bethlehem! There, thanks to a great Mayor known as ‘Peter the Tolerant,’ Marty and Joseph received their Universal Healthcare, financed solely by making rich Judeans pay their fair share!”
MODERATOR: “Storm Troopers?”
PETE: “And with Universal Healthcare, Mother Marty received fertility treatments, leading to a great miracle! Marty and Joseph were filled with joy—”
MODERATOR: “You realize Mary was with child before this, right?”
PETE: “—but a local King named Herod sought to kill Baby Jesus, calling him an ‘Anchor Savior’ because Marty and Joseph were undocumented! But an angel appeared to Herod and said, ‘Nuh-uh! There are no illegal people, you freakin’ bigot!’”
MODERATOR: “Anyway, about Jesus being a refugee…”
PETE: “Look, if you can’t understand the Greek, then there’s no point explaining this to you!” (Pete storms off stage) “READ THE GREEK!”
(There is an extended silence. Then, at long last, the Moderator speaks)
MODERATOR: “Sorry, I just pictured Linus saying all that in ‘A Charlie Brown Christmas.’ Say, let’s get Senator Klobuchar’s perspective here. Amy, what do you think of Pete’s comments?”
AMY: (Jaw dropped; mouth open in stunned shock) “Uhhhhh…”
MODERATOR: “I couldn’t agree more. Now on to Tom Steyer. Tom, you’ve been critical of President Trump’s trade deals, even though each increases domestic job creation. Can you elaborate?”
TOM: “Thank you. What we have to remember here is, none of these deals discuss the dangers of Climate Change! How can we discuss trade on Mother Earth without involving Mother Earth? If you were to ask all the young people who support me—”
MODERATOR: “There are five.”
TOM: “—if you asked them what concerns them most, they’d say Climate Change! And yet, we ignore their future by leaving this out of trade deals!”
MODERATOR: “But how do we involve Mother Earth in—”
TOM: “Gaia. She prefers to be called Gaia.”
MODERATOR: “Okay, how do we involve Gaia in trade discussions?”
TOM: “The same way we involve every nation! With a representative! And for the good of young people and Great Gaia, I would appoint climate champion, Greta Thunberg!”
MODERATOR: “Soooo…you would send an angry child to represent Great Gaia in trade discussions?”
TOM: “Greta’s anger comes from Gaia! Gaia is angry with us! She’s angry with allllll of us!” (Looks up, with hands pushing skyward in frightened manner) “Gaia is watching! We must appease her wrath! Greta speaks for Gaia’s rage!”
JOE: “Does Greta do this sitting? You know, there’s a market for that.”
LIZ: “Shut up, Joe!”
BERNIE: “Wait, is Greta a non-man?”
LIZ: “Shut up, Bernie!”
MODERATOR: “Settle down, everyone! Settle down! Look, let’s get Senator Klobuchar’s perspective here. Amy, what do you think of sending an enraged child to represent Gaia in trade discussions?”
AMY: (Jaw dropped; mouth open in stunned shock) “Uhhhhh…”
AMY: (Jaw dropped; mouth open in stunned shock) “Uhhhhh…”
MODERATOR: “I couldn’t agree more. Now on to Tom Steyer. Tom, you’ve been critical of President Trump’s trade deals, even though each increases domestic job creation. Can you elaborate?”
TOM: “Thank you. What we have to remember here is, none of these deals discuss the dangers of Climate Change! How can we discuss trade on Mother Earth without involving Mother Earth? If you were to ask all the young people who support me—”
MODERATOR: “There are five.”
TOM: “—if you asked them what concerns them most, they’d say Climate Change! And yet, we ignore their future by leaving this out of trade deals!”
MODERATOR: “But how do we involve Mother Earth in—”
TOM: “Gaia. She prefers to be called Gaia.”
MODERATOR: “Okay, how do we involve Gaia in trade discussions?”
TOM: “The same way we involve every nation! With a representative! And for the good of young people and Great Gaia, I would appoint climate champion, Greta Thunberg!”
MODERATOR: “Soooo…you would send an angry child to represent Great Gaia in trade discussions?”
TOM: “Greta’s anger comes from Gaia! Gaia is angry with us! She’s angry with allllll of us!” (Looks up, with hands pushing skyward in frightened manner) “Gaia is watching! We must appease her wrath! Greta speaks for Gaia’s rage!”
JOE: “Does Greta do this sitting? You know, there’s a market for that.”
LIZ: “Shut up, Joe!”
BERNIE: “Wait, is Greta a non-man?”
LIZ: “Shut up, Bernie!”
MODERATOR: “Settle down, everyone! Settle down! Look, let’s get Senator Klobuchar’s perspective here. Amy, what do you think of sending an enraged child to represent Gaia in trade discussions?”
AMY: (Jaw dropped; mouth open in stunned shock) “Uhhhhh…”
(Silence)
MODERATOR: “I think that says it all, and I think we’ve all heard enough. Thank you, everyone, for coming tonight.”
(Immediately following the debate, the first comment on Anderson Cooper’s Debate Wrap Up came from Gloria Borger: “Well, I think that Amy Klobuchar tried her hardest to distinguish herself as a pragmatist who can tell the rest of the Democrats to get real.”)
There you have it. Winner: Amy Klobuchar
There you have it. Winner: Amy Klobuchar
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