(As Democrat presidential candidates file onto stage, the moderator begins shuffling through her notes. But then she notices another chair being placed next to her, and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez sits down)
MODERATOR: “I’m sorry, but why are you here?”
AOC: “I run this Party now! These people must win my hand in endorsement! Yay!”
MODERATOR: “Yay?”
AOC: “I so, so promise I won’t make a sound! Please?”
MODERATOR: “Look, it’s just not—”
AOC: “Pleeeeeeazzzzze???”
MODERATOR: “Uh, sure. Do any candidates object?”
AOC: “I run this Party now! These people must win my hand in endorsement! Yay!”
MODERATOR: “Yay?”
AOC: “I so, so promise I won’t make a sound! Please?”
MODERATOR: “Look, it’s just not—”
AOC: “Pleeeeeeazzzzze???”
MODERATOR: “Uh, sure. Do any candidates object?”
(Awkward silence, then the candidates start talking over each other)
THE CANDIDATES: “Of course not! She’s so smart! It’s perfectly natural! And she’s so smart!”
MODERATOR: “Alright then. Since Ms. Ocasio-Cortez is here, let’s start off with a group question. Show of hands: How many here support Ms. Ocasio-Cortez’s Green New Deal?”
MODERATOR: “Alright then. Since Ms. Ocasio-Cortez is here, let’s start off with a group question. Show of hands: How many here support Ms. Ocasio-Cortez’s Green New Deal?”
(Long silence, with candidates looking at each other)
AOC: “Oooohhh, I’m getting a pouty face!”
(Slowly, one by one, they raise their hands)
AOC: “Yay! They all like me! Yay!”
(The candidates are all looking down. Alexandria is smiling proudly)
AOC: “They like me ‘cause I’m a snowflake!”
MODERATOR: “Actually, that term has a negative—”
AOC: “It means I’m unique!”
MODERATOR: “Well…sure.”
AOC: “Did you know every snowflake is different from…from everything that isn’t a snowflake?”
MODERATOR: “Actually, that term has a negative—”
AOC: “It means I’m unique!”
MODERATOR: “Well…sure.”
AOC: “Did you know every snowflake is different from…from everything that isn’t a snowflake?”
(Silence)
AOC: “But snowflakes won’t matter if we don’t do something soon!”
MODERATOR: “About what?”
AOC: “Global Warming! We must stop Global Warming! Otherwise, in twelve years, the Earth will be…older!”
MODERATOR: “Really? Can you predict how much older?”
AOC: “No way! If I do, stupid Trump will just take me all literal!"
MODERATOR: “Uh huh—"
AOC: “Because he’s racist!”
MODERATOR: “Got it. Can we start now?”
AOC: “Yay!”
MODERATOR: “Is that a yes?”
MODERATOR: “About what?”
AOC: “Global Warming! We must stop Global Warming! Otherwise, in twelve years, the Earth will be…older!”
MODERATOR: “Really? Can you predict how much older?”
AOC: “No way! If I do, stupid Trump will just take me all literal!"
MODERATOR: “Uh huh—"
AOC: “Because he’s racist!”
MODERATOR: “Got it. Can we start now?”
AOC: “Yay!”
MODERATOR: “Is that a yes?”
(Beto O’Roarke speaks up)
BETO: “I like you, Alexandria! I even want all border walls torn down! I want this country unprotected, no matter what the cost!”
AOC: “Not enough! More yay!”
BETO: “Throw all ICE officers in prison! Throw them in Mexican prisons! Treat them as war criminals!”
AOC: (clapping) “Yay! Yay!”
AOC: “Not enough! More yay!”
BETO: “Throw all ICE officers in prison! Throw them in Mexican prisons! Treat them as war criminals!”
AOC: (clapping) “Yay! Yay!”
(Bernie Sanders jumps in)
BERNIE: “Let death row murderers vote! Let the Boston Bomber vote! And kill all cows before…before…before they fart us off the planet!”
AOC: “Yay!”
BERNIE: (shouting, eyes twitching) “It’s the cows or us, I tell yuh! They must turn from their wicked ways! Then again, turning them probably won’t stop the problem! Maybe we should tip them! Where was I?”
MODERATOR: “Senator Sanders, let’s start with a question for you.”
BERNIE: (still shouting) “What?”
MODERATOR: (louder) “We’re starting with you now!”
BERNIE: “When?”
MODERATOR: “Now!”
BERNIE: “What?”
MODERATOR: “It’s your turn!”
BERNIE: “Hurry Marty! Start the DeLorean!”
MODERATOR: “Excuse me?”
BERNIE: “Remember! 88 miles per hour!”
MODERATOR: “You know, I’m just gonna ask my question. Senator Sanders, the Green New Deal would cost $93 Trillion—”
BERNIE: “—uh huh—”
MODERATOR: “—and you’ve also proposed Medicare for all, free college, free housing for illegal immigrants, and many other programs—”
BERNIE: “—uh huh—”
MODERATOR: “—so by our latest estimates, all your ideas combined would cost more than relocating the entire population of America—”
BERNIE: “—uh huh—”
MODERATOR: “—to Saturn.”
BERNIE: “—uh huh—”
AOC: “Yay!”
BERNIE: (shouting, eyes twitching) “It’s the cows or us, I tell yuh! They must turn from their wicked ways! Then again, turning them probably won’t stop the problem! Maybe we should tip them! Where was I?”
MODERATOR: “Senator Sanders, let’s start with a question for you.”
BERNIE: (still shouting) “What?”
MODERATOR: (louder) “We’re starting with you now!”
BERNIE: “When?”
MODERATOR: “Now!”
BERNIE: “What?”
MODERATOR: “It’s your turn!”
BERNIE: “Hurry Marty! Start the DeLorean!”
MODERATOR: “Excuse me?”
BERNIE: “Remember! 88 miles per hour!”
MODERATOR: “You know, I’m just gonna ask my question. Senator Sanders, the Green New Deal would cost $93 Trillion—”
BERNIE: “—uh huh—”
MODERATOR: “—and you’ve also proposed Medicare for all, free college, free housing for illegal immigrants, and many other programs—”
BERNIE: “—uh huh—”
MODERATOR: “—so by our latest estimates, all your ideas combined would cost more than relocating the entire population of America—”
BERNIE: “—uh huh—”
MODERATOR: “—to Saturn.”
BERNIE: “—uh huh—”
(Long silence, as Bernie and the Moderator just look at each other)
MODERATOR: “Okay, my next question is for Pete Buttigieg. Mayor Pete, you’ve created quite a stir calling out Vice President Pence, but what is your plan to defeat President Trump in 2020?”
PETE: “I’ll start by reminding people how Donald Trump chose Mike Pence—the worst purveyor of hate ever! He doesn’t think being gay is Christian! So he disagrees with me, and disagreement with me is hate! MIKE PENCE HATES ME!”
MODERATOR: “I see. Perhaps some policy differences—”
PETE: “I saw Mike Pence outside my window last night!”
MODERATOR: “Mayor, it’s doubtful you—”
PETE: “He was judging me! I was just feeding the poor while rescuing puppies and honoring veterans, and I looked up, and there was Mike Pence with hate in his eyes!”
MODERATOR: “Mayor—”
PETE: “And I shouted, ‘Why do you torment me, evil Mike Pence! And why are you so white?’”
MODERATOR: “So white?”
PETE: “Look at him! He’s like that girl from ‘The Ring!’ I also saw him staring in the window when I was at a gay bar!”
MODERATOR: “Mayor—”
PETE: “Then I saw him in my rearview mirror!”
MODERATOR: “Mayor—”
PETE: “He’s here right now!”
MODERATOR: “Mayor—”
PETE: (slapping at the air) “Aaaaaaahhhhhh!!”
PETE: “I’ll start by reminding people how Donald Trump chose Mike Pence—the worst purveyor of hate ever! He doesn’t think being gay is Christian! So he disagrees with me, and disagreement with me is hate! MIKE PENCE HATES ME!”
MODERATOR: “I see. Perhaps some policy differences—”
PETE: “I saw Mike Pence outside my window last night!”
MODERATOR: “Mayor, it’s doubtful you—”
PETE: “He was judging me! I was just feeding the poor while rescuing puppies and honoring veterans, and I looked up, and there was Mike Pence with hate in his eyes!”
MODERATOR: “Mayor—”
PETE: “And I shouted, ‘Why do you torment me, evil Mike Pence! And why are you so white?’”
MODERATOR: “So white?”
PETE: “Look at him! He’s like that girl from ‘The Ring!’ I also saw him staring in the window when I was at a gay bar!”
MODERATOR: “Mayor—”
PETE: “Then I saw him in my rearview mirror!”
MODERATOR: “Mayor—”
PETE: “He’s here right now!”
MODERATOR: “Mayor—”
PETE: (slapping at the air) “Aaaaaaahhhhhh!!”
(Mayor Pete runs off stage. Everyone is silent for several moments, then…)
AOC: “Yay!”
(More silence)
AOC: “My favorite color is happy!”
(More silence)
MODERATOR: “Okay, my next question is for Joe Biden. Mr. Vice President—”
BIDEN: “Hey, call me Joe!”
MODERATOR: “Okay…Joe…you’ve recently had to deal with accusations of groping women.”
BIDEN: “Look, it’s not groping. Groping is abusive.”
MODERATOR: “Well, a couple of them—”
BIDEN: “What I do is more personal, where you really get to know someone. I call it, ‘probing.’”
MODERATOR: “Please don’t call it that.”
BIDEN: “Because people are hurting, you know? They have empty places in their hearts—emotional cavities—and I tell them, ‘I’m Joe Biden, and I’m here to probe your cavities.’”
MODERATOR: “My next question is for—”
BIDEN: “But don’t worry! All members of my staff wear protective clothing! Here’s a picture of my secretary!”
MODERATOR: “Oh, dear God—"
BIDEN: “It’s tasteful, without being provocative—”
MODERATOR: “—she looks like the Michelin Man—"
BIDEN: “—and it says, ‘I’m a big shot campaign staffer, and I can’t feel anyone touching me.’”
MODERATOR: “Joe—"
BIDEN: “I tell ya, it’s fun watching them move around the office.”
MODERATOR: “Joe—”
BIDEN: “They’re like bumper cars!”
MODERATOR: “Joe—"
BIDEN: “Hey, call me Joe!”
BIDEN: “Hey, call me Joe!”
MODERATOR: “Okay…Joe…you’ve recently had to deal with accusations of groping women.”
BIDEN: “Look, it’s not groping. Groping is abusive.”
MODERATOR: “Well, a couple of them—”
BIDEN: “What I do is more personal, where you really get to know someone. I call it, ‘probing.’”
MODERATOR: “Please don’t call it that.”
BIDEN: “Because people are hurting, you know? They have empty places in their hearts—emotional cavities—and I tell them, ‘I’m Joe Biden, and I’m here to probe your cavities.’”
MODERATOR: “My next question is for—”
BIDEN: “But don’t worry! All members of my staff wear protective clothing! Here’s a picture of my secretary!”
MODERATOR: “Oh, dear God—"
BIDEN: “It’s tasteful, without being provocative—”
MODERATOR: “—she looks like the Michelin Man—"
BIDEN: “—and it says, ‘I’m a big shot campaign staffer, and I can’t feel anyone touching me.’”
MODERATOR: “Joe—"
BIDEN: “I tell ya, it’s fun watching them move around the office.”
MODERATOR: “Joe—”
BIDEN: “They’re like bumper cars!”
MODERATOR: “Joe—"
BIDEN: “Hey, call me Joe!”
(silence)
MODERATOR: “Joe, what about allegations of hair sniffing?”
BIDEN: “One word: Helmets.”
MODERATOR: “Let’s turn to freshman Senator from California, Kamala Harris. Senator Harris, what sets you apart in this Democrat field?”
KAMALA: “I’m a black woman.”
MODERATOR: “I see that. Anything else?”
KAMALA: “Truth is, we all agree on every issue, but I am a black woman.”
BIDEN: “One word: Helmets.”
MODERATOR: “Let’s turn to freshman Senator from California, Kamala Harris. Senator Harris, what sets you apart in this Democrat field?”
KAMALA: “I’m a black woman.”
MODERATOR: “I see that. Anything else?”
KAMALA: “Truth is, we all agree on every issue, but I am a black woman.”
(Cory Booker jumps in)
BOOKER: “Hey, I’m a black man!”
KAMALA: “Oh please! That’s only one demographic! I’ve got two!”
BOOKER: “But I’m blacker than Obama! I took a shade test!”
KAMALA: “Oh please! That’s only one demographic! I’ve got two!”
BOOKER: “But I’m blacker than Obama! I took a shade test!”
(Liz Warren chimes in)
WARREN: “You two should be ashamed, peddling race for political gain! My tribal elders would never approve!”
MODERATOR: “Senator Warren, you are 1/1024th Indian.”
WARREN: “And damn proud of it!”
MODERATOR: “That’s like, one eyelash.”
WARREN: “But I identify as Indian! I’m just trapped in a white body! GOD MADE ME WRONG!”
MODERATOR: “Senator Warren, I have an Irish Setter. He’s more Indian than you.”
WARREN: “But—"
MODERATOR: “Senator Warren, you are 1/1024th Indian.”
WARREN: “And damn proud of it!”
MODERATOR: “That’s like, one eyelash.”
WARREN: “But I identify as Indian! I’m just trapped in a white body! GOD MADE ME WRONG!”
MODERATOR: “Senator Warren, I have an Irish Setter. He’s more Indian than you.”
WARREN: “But—"
(Cory Booker gets angry)
BOOKER: “Hey, if Liz can identify as a woman—”
MODERATOR: “—Indian—”
BOOKER: “—as an Indian—”
MODERATOR: “—better—”
BOOKER: “—then I can identify as a woman! A blacker than Obama woman, with a side of Indian and two dashes of gay Muslim!”
MODERATOR: “Gay Muslim?”
BOOKER: “I can prove it! I’ll throw myself off a building!”
MODERATOR: “You don’t have to—”
BOOKER: “—and I’m also part Viking! I’m a gay Muslim Viking woman! Whatever it takes! Oh God, my campaign needs a reboot!”
MODERATOR: “—Indian—”
BOOKER: “—as an Indian—”
MODERATOR: “—better—”
BOOKER: “—then I can identify as a woman! A blacker than Obama woman, with a side of Indian and two dashes of gay Muslim!”
MODERATOR: “Gay Muslim?”
BOOKER: “I can prove it! I’ll throw myself off a building!”
MODERATOR: “You don’t have to—”
BOOKER: “—and I’m also part Viking! I’m a gay Muslim Viking woman! Whatever it takes! Oh God, my campaign needs a reboot!”
(Kamala jumps back in)
KAMALA: “Cory, identifying as a woman doesn’t make you a woman!”
(Everyone gasps)
KAMALA: “Oh come on! I’m black! I’m a woman! Black plus woman! Case closed!”
WARREN: “I’m Indian! And maybe a woman! Case closed!”
WARREN: “I’m Indian! And maybe a woman! Case closed!”
(Joe Biden rubs his own shoulders)
BIDEN: “I’m a woman, too! Oh…yeah…”
AOC: “I’m Hispanic I think! Yay!”
MODERATOR: “Alexandria—"
BERNIE: (yelling) “What?”
MODERATOR: “Not you, Bernie—”
BERNIE: “I’m not Bernie?”
MODERATOR: “Let’s turn to Congressman Eric Swalwell. Congressman, you’ve stated that if gun owners resist your confiscation of their automatic weapons, it will be ‘a short war’ because ‘the government has nukes.’ Do you intend to nuke your fellow citizens?”
SWALWELL: “Of course not!”
MODERATOR: “That’s good to hear, because—”
SWALWELL: “The threat is enough! We’ll just wheel nuclear warheads up to their front doors and ring the doorbell. When these NRA crazies open the door and see what’s coming, they’ll back down!”
MODERATOR: “Warheads?”
SWALWELL: “We’ll put a big fuse on the back, with a guy holding a torch. It’s mostly for show.”
MODERATOR: “Congressman, can you tell us what percentage of gun crimes are actually committed by NRA members?”
SWALWELL: “Well, I don’t have the numbers at hand…”
MODERATOR: “Just an approximation, Congressman. What percentage of gun crimes do NRA members commit?”
SWALWELL: “…accounting for NRA membership levels…carry the one…”
MODERATOR: “How many, Congressmen?”
SWALWELL: “…minus depreciation…”
MODERATOR: “What?”
SWALWELL: “…do you want gross or net?”
MODERATOR: “Best guess, sir. What percentage of gun crimes do NRA members commit?”
SWALWELL: “All of them.”
MODERATOR: “Okay, so—wait, all of them?”
SWALWELL: “I’m afraid so. The numbers don’t lie.”
MODERATOR: “Congressman, most gun crimes involve gangs—”
SWALWELL: “—NRA gangs, yes—”
MODERATOR: “—or robberies—”
SWALWELL: “—gotta pay those NRA dues—”
MODERATOR: “—and Muslim Jihadists?”
SWALWELL: “The religion of peace never kills—unless they join the NRA! We should look into that! (stares into camera) And if I’m elected President, we will.”
AOC: “I’m Hispanic I think! Yay!”
MODERATOR: “Alexandria—"
BERNIE: (yelling) “What?”
MODERATOR: “Not you, Bernie—”
BERNIE: “I’m not Bernie?”
MODERATOR: “Let’s turn to Congressman Eric Swalwell. Congressman, you’ve stated that if gun owners resist your confiscation of their automatic weapons, it will be ‘a short war’ because ‘the government has nukes.’ Do you intend to nuke your fellow citizens?”
SWALWELL: “Of course not!”
MODERATOR: “That’s good to hear, because—”
SWALWELL: “The threat is enough! We’ll just wheel nuclear warheads up to their front doors and ring the doorbell. When these NRA crazies open the door and see what’s coming, they’ll back down!”
MODERATOR: “Warheads?”
SWALWELL: “We’ll put a big fuse on the back, with a guy holding a torch. It’s mostly for show.”
MODERATOR: “Congressman, can you tell us what percentage of gun crimes are actually committed by NRA members?”
SWALWELL: “Well, I don’t have the numbers at hand…”
MODERATOR: “Just an approximation, Congressman. What percentage of gun crimes do NRA members commit?”
SWALWELL: “…accounting for NRA membership levels…carry the one…”
MODERATOR: “How many, Congressmen?”
SWALWELL: “…minus depreciation…”
MODERATOR: “What?”
SWALWELL: “…do you want gross or net?”
MODERATOR: “Best guess, sir. What percentage of gun crimes do NRA members commit?”
SWALWELL: “All of them.”
MODERATOR: “Okay, so—wait, all of them?”
SWALWELL: “I’m afraid so. The numbers don’t lie.”
MODERATOR: “Congressman, most gun crimes involve gangs—”
SWALWELL: “—NRA gangs, yes—”
MODERATOR: “—or robberies—”
SWALWELL: “—gotta pay those NRA dues—”
MODERATOR: “—and Muslim Jihadists?”
SWALWELL: “The religion of peace never kills—unless they join the NRA! We should look into that! (stares into camera) And if I’m elected President, we will.”
(Joe Biden’s hand is raised)
MODERATOR: “Would you like to weigh in, Joe?”
BIDEN: “Are we almost finished? I need to pee.”
MODERATOR: “Joe, you can excuse yourself at any time.”
BIDEN: “Oh, thank you!”
MODERATOR: “No problem. Anything to stop you from talking.”
BIDEN: “Because I really have to go—”
MODERATOR: “—please stop talking—”
BIDEN: “—you know how, when you have to go so bad—”
MODERATOR: “—please stop talking—”
BIDEN: “—that when you finally go, there’s an actual recoil?”
MODERATOR: “JOE, PLEASE STOP TALKING!”
BIDEN: “Hey, call me Joe!”
BIDEN: “Are we almost finished? I need to pee.”
MODERATOR: “Joe, you can excuse yourself at any time.”
BIDEN: “Oh, thank you!”
MODERATOR: “No problem. Anything to stop you from talking.”
BIDEN: “Because I really have to go—”
MODERATOR: “—please stop talking—”
BIDEN: “—you know how, when you have to go so bad—”
MODERATOR: “—please stop talking—”
BIDEN: “—that when you finally go, there’s an actual recoil?”
MODERATOR: “JOE, PLEASE STOP TALKING!”
BIDEN: “Hey, call me Joe!”
(The moderator slumps her head, and points to the exit. Joe scampers out)
MODERATOR: “Okay, let’s hear from another candidate. Governor John Hickenlooper, what is your message for reaching America?”
HICK: “Hi, I’m John Hickenlooper, and I’m—”
KAMALA: “—WHITE!”
BERNIE: “He is? You bastud!”
MODERATOR: “Bernie—”
SWALWELL: “Yeah! Kill Whitey!”
MODERATOR: “Congressman—”
(Everyone’s shouting) “Down with Whitey! Reparations! Seize Whitey’s land, like in South Africa!”
(from offstage) “Mike Pence!”
HICK: “Hi, I’m John Hickenlooper, and I’m—”
KAMALA: “—WHITE!”
BERNIE: “He is? You bastud!”
MODERATOR: “Bernie—”
SWALWELL: “Yeah! Kill Whitey!”
MODERATOR: “Congressman—”
(Everyone’s shouting) “Down with Whitey! Reparations! Seize Whitey’s land, like in South Africa!”
(from offstage) “Mike Pence!”
(Liz Warren stretches out her hands)
WARREN: “Whitey drove us from…THE GOOD LAND!”
MODERATOR: “For goodness sakes, most of you are white!”
WARREN: “But I identify as—”
EVERYONE: “SHUT UP!”
MODERATOR: “For goodness sakes, most of you are white!”
WARREN: “But I identify as—”
EVERYONE: “SHUT UP!”
MODERATOR: “Okay, let’s have another question for Senator Sanders—”
BERNIE: “What?”
MODERATOR: “The debate is still going, Bernie.”
BERNIE: “Did I win?”
BERNIE: “What?”
MODERATOR: “The debate is still going, Bernie.”
BERNIE: “Did I win?”
(More silence)
MODERATOR: “Bernie, there’s been a large drop in your support among young voters. Could this be because they now have…you know…jobs?”
BERNIE: “That’s the problem! They’re chronically employed!”
MODERATOR: “Chronically employed?”
BERNIE: “This Trump economy is a disease, I tell yuh! Do you think young people want this? How can they find purpose while earning a living? How can they find a sense of accomplishment? That’s only found staying at home on food stamps while other people pay for your college and healthcare! THAT’S LIVING, I TELL YUH!”
MODERATOR: “But, everyone’s hiring right now.”
BERNIE: “Young people won’t fall for all this materialism!”
MODERATOR: “Even my kid started a corporation.”
BERNIE: “They need our help!”
MODERATOR: “He’s five.”
BERNIE: “They’re helpless, I tell yuh!”
MODERATOR: “He’s wearing a suit…and a Trump wig…it’s eerie…”
BERNIE: “Young voters will come back to me, as soon as they realize how helpless they are! THEIR HELPLESSNESS IS MY KEY TO VICTORY!!”
BERNIE: “That’s the problem! They’re chronically employed!”
MODERATOR: “Chronically employed?”
BERNIE: “This Trump economy is a disease, I tell yuh! Do you think young people want this? How can they find purpose while earning a living? How can they find a sense of accomplishment? That’s only found staying at home on food stamps while other people pay for your college and healthcare! THAT’S LIVING, I TELL YUH!”
MODERATOR: “But, everyone’s hiring right now.”
BERNIE: “Young people won’t fall for all this materialism!”
MODERATOR: “Even my kid started a corporation.”
BERNIE: “They need our help!”
MODERATOR: “He’s five.”
BERNIE: “They’re helpless, I tell yuh!”
MODERATOR: “He’s wearing a suit…and a Trump wig…it’s eerie…”
BERNIE: “Young voters will come back to me, as soon as they realize how helpless they are! THEIR HELPLESSNESS IS MY KEY TO VICTORY!!”
(AOC pipes up)
AOC: “I have a Bouncy Castle shaped like Donald Trump’s head!”
MODERATOR: “Alexandria—”
AOC: “Get it? It’s like I’m in Trump’s head! And it’s like I’m bouncing! Because I am!”
MODERATOR: “OMIGOSH, WILL YOU SHUT UP?”
MODERATOR: “Alexandria—”
AOC: “Get it? It’s like I’m in Trump’s head! And it’s like I’m bouncing! Because I am!”
MODERATOR: “OMIGOSH, WILL YOU SHUT UP?”
(AOC’s lower lip starts to quiver. The candidates jump in…)
THE CANDIDATES: “How can you say that? She’s so smart! She totally belongs here! And she’s so smart! Borders are racist! SHE’S WRITING OUR PLATFORM!”
(Joe Biden returns)
BIDEN: “Okay, I’m back! False alarm.”
AOC: “Yay! That’s the best kind of alarm!”
MODERATOR: “Okay, that’s it! I can’t take any more! This debate is over!”
AOC: “Yay! That’s the best kind of alarm!”
MODERATOR: “Okay, that’s it! I can’t take any more! This debate is over!”
(There is silence, as all the candidates look at each other. Then…)
BERNIE: “Did I win?”
MODERATOR: (head buried in hands) “Sure, Bernie. You won.”
BERNIE: “Yay!”
MODERATOR: (head buried in hands) “Sure, Bernie. You won.”
BERNIE: “Yay!”
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