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Praying Nancy                by Andy Peth

1/15/2020

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(The following was Nancy Pelosi's first interview after delivering Articles of Impeachment to the Senate)

​REPORTER:  “Nancy, now that you’ve delivered the Articles of Impeachment to the Senate, do you think about how this all started?  Do you think back to that historic impeachment vote?”
 
NANCY:  “It was a sad, sad, sad day for America.  A very solemn occasion.”
                                                             
REPORTER:  “Is that why you dressed in black?”
 
NANCY:  “Yes…I never wanted this…I never wanted this...”
 
REPORTER:  “Really?  You never wanted to impeach Trump?”
 
NANCY:  “I never wanted to wear black.”
 
REPORTER:  “Oh, I see.”
 
NANCY:  “Makes me look really white—"
 
REPORTER:  “Right, got it.”
 
NANCY:  “—and there are too many white people already—"
 
REPORTER:  “Thanks, I got it.”
 
NANCY:  “—ghostly, hateful white people, like Mike Pence…or that kid from ‘The Grudge’—"
 
REPORTER:  “Got it!  Thanks!  But you wore black anyway?”
 
NANCY:  “I had to.  It symbolized my inner pain.  This was all very solemn.”
 
REPORTER:  “Nancy, was it really solemn?  At one point, you had to shush fellow Democrats for celebrating.”
 
NANCY:  “No, I didn’t.”
 
REPORTER:  “But we all saw it on—”
 
NANCY:  “Never happened.”
 
REPORTER:  “But they were celebrating and you shushed—”
 
NANCY:  “No one celebrated!  I was shushing…Eric Swalwell.”
 
REPORTER:  “Eric Swalwell?”
 
NANCY:  “He has a bit of a gas problem.”
 
REPORTER:  “Oh…right.”
 
NANCY:  “Not that I mind, since it smells just like my home district in San Francisco.”
 
REPORTER:  “You mean the sidewalk issues.”
 
NANCY:  “Thanks to Eric, I’ll never forget my constituents.  He keeps me grounded.”
 
REPORTER:  “I see.  So Nancy, back to the impeachment vote…”
 
NANCY:  “Oh yes!  We were all very solemn!  We were in mourning!  That’s why I wore black!”
 
REPORTER:  “Okay.  But do you think the veil was a bit much?”
 
NANCY:  “It hides the white.  Besides, we didn’t all wear veils.  Ilhan Omar wore something very different…”
 
REPORTER:  “Oh, was that her under there?”
 
NANCY:  “Yes.  Right next to Rashida Tlaib.”
 
REPORTER:  “Got it.  Say, why were they filming that video?  And what were their demands?  Were their hostages in real danger?”
 
NANCY:  “That was just a mix-up.  They thought it was a different meeting.”
 
REPORTER:  “Still, it seemed a bit—”
 
NANCY:  “Look, don’t tell me how to run an impeachment!  I’m a Catholic, okay?!  This is all very solemn!  And prayerful!  You know, we have God, we have a Pope, we have Adam Schiff, and he chaired the impeachment!  He was like, you know, our Impeachment Pope!”
 
REPORTER:  “Impeachment Pope?”
 
NANCY:  “I’m a good Catholic.”
 
REPORTER:  “Impeachment Pope?”
 
NANCY:  “Don’t mock my faith!  You don’t have to be Republican to have an Impeachment Pope!  Democrats can have Impeachment Popes!  I am so offended right now!”
 
REPORTER:  “Look, I didn’t mean to—"
 
NANCY:  “Democrats have faith too!  The other day, I was reading that…you know…that book…the one the President put his hand on when we swore at him?”
 
REPORTER:  “You mean ‘Swore him in?’”
 
NANCY:  “We did?”
 
REPORTER:  “Well, Chief Justice Roberts—look, I think you mean The Bible.”
 
NANCY:  “Probably, yes…it was very thick.”
 
REPORTER:  “Nancy, what’s your favorite thing about the Bible?”
 
NANCY:  “Well, I like how it’s all so, you know…so biblical.”
 
REPORTER:  “I see.”
 
NANCY:  “And I’m a good…you know…a good…”
 
REPORTER:  “Catholic?”
 
NANCY:  “Thank you.  Yes.  That one.”
 
REPORTER:  “Nancy, you said impeachment was urgent, and that our democracy was at stake—then you delayed sending the Articles of Impeachment to the Senate for several weeks.  What happened to urgent?”
 
NANCY:  “Well, when something is that urgent, you don’t want to rush it.”
 
REPORTER:  “What?”
 
NANCY:  “I needed time to…to pray.  Yes, to pray.  I’m always praying for our imposter President.  I’m a good Catholic, you know.”
 
REPORTER:  “I got that.”
 
NANCY:  “Besides, I needed to make sure the Senate would have fair hearings, just like ours!”
 
REPORTER:  “But in your hearings, you had Adam Schiff—”
 
NANCY:  “—our Impeachment Pope—”
 
REPORTER:  “—your Impeachment Pope…jeez, do I really have to say that?  Okay, you had your Impeachment Pope acting as both Lead Prosecutor and Judge.”
 
NANCY:  “We combined some roles to save on costs.  Did it for the taxpayers.”
 
REPORTER:  “You literally auditioned witnesses beforehand.”
 
NANCY:  “Hey!  At least we didn’t let Joe Biden come in to run the casting couch like he wanted!  This was all kept very professional!   And solemn!”
 
REPORTER:  “But the Republicans weren’t allowed to call witnesses.  You only had witnesses for one side.”
 
NANCY:  “Had to keep moving.  Time was short.  Democracy was at stake.  It was all too urgent.”
 
REPORTER:  “Too urgent for a defense attorney?  The defendant had no lawyer present to cross-examine.”
 
NANCY:  “Didn’t need one.  Not with an Impeachment Pope.”
 
REPORTER:  “Well, your Impeachment Pope hid the whistleblower, so we couldn’t know if it was a serious witness or just an activist.  The defendant couldn’t even face his accuser!”
 
NANCY:  “It was for the whistleblower’s safety!  Trump might have taken him out like he took out Soleimani!”
 
REPORTER:  “Oh, come on…”
 
NANCY:  “Drone strikes!  From the sky!  None of us are safe!  And how do you know Soleimani wasn’t the whistleblower?  This could have been retribution!”
 
REPORTER:  “Soleimani was the whistleblower?”
 
NANCY:  “Well…I’m not saying he wasn’t…”
 
REPORTER:  “Anyway, back to the hearings.  Nancy, instead of having leftwing academics and bereaved bureaucrats make speeches, why couldn’t you have some witnesses…who actually witnessed something?”
 
NANCY:  “No time!  Too urgent!”
 
REPORTER:  “Nancy—”
 
NANCY:  “Democracy was at stake!  The apocalypse was upon us!  The meteor was bearing down!”
 
REPORTER:  “The what?”
 
NANCY:  “We had to send up that drill team and save the planet!”
 
REPORTER:  “Wait, that’s from ‘Armageddon’—"
 
 NANCY:  “You don’t understand the burdens of command!  The nation was at risk!  Drone strikes!  From the sky!  I was the only one standing between America and annihilation!  My God, man, we barely finished in time for vacation!!!”
 
REPORTER:  “Okay, speaking of God, let’s get back to your faith.  You speak often of praying to your God—"
 
NANCY:  “—or Goddess."
 
REPORTER:  “Goddess?  But you’re Catholic.”
 
NANCY:  “Not only that, I’m also Catholic!  And as a good Catholic, I think it’s high time a woman was elected as God!  Our time has come!”
 
REPORTER:  “I’m not sure we get to vote on—"
 
NANCY:  “Next time I vote for God, I’m saying, ‘I’m with her!’”
 
REPORTER:  “Nancy, I don’t think we get to—"
 
NANCY:  “—I’m even thinking of running—”
 
REPORTER:  “—Nancy—"
 
NANCY:  “—I think about these things—”
 
REPORTER:  “—Nancy—”
 
NANCY:  “—because I’m really, you know…wake.”
 
REPORTER:  “Woke.”
 
NANCY:  “Broke?  No, I’m quite wealthy—”
 
REPORTER:  “Woke!  You’re really woke!”
 
NANCY:  “Woke?  Are you sure?  What the hell does that mean?”
 
REPORTER:  “It means you wear veils to hide your whiteness.”
 
NANCY:  “Oh…well then, yes…I’m wake.”
(Silence)
REPORTER:  “Nancy, what comes next?  Will you step aside and let Mitch McConnell oversee the Senate process, or will you issue more ultimatums?”
 
NANCY:  “Well, you never can tell.  I’ll need more time to pray.  I’m Catholic, you know.  That’s why I pray the Rosary.” (gestures to her necklace)
 
REPORTER:  “Nancy, those aren’t beads.  They’re diamonds…big ones.”
 
NANCY:  “Yes, well…nothing is too good for my faith.”

(Silence)
​REPORTER:  “Nancy, I have to ask: Do you really pray to the Christian God, or do you pray to forest spirits in a gathering of druids?”
 
NANCY:  “Well, I only know it’s dark and everyone’s wearing robes.  It’s confusing.  Half the time I can’t tell who’s under those hoods…except for Eric Swalwell.  His robe keeps puffing up like he’s wearing a hoop skirt.”
 
REPORTER:  “Hey, wow, look at the time—”
 
NANCY:  “Whenever it happens, we’re all like, ‘Yep, that’s Eric.’”
 
REPORTER:  “Okay, I think we’re done here.”
 
NANCY:  “He reminds me of my district.  Keeps me grounded.”
 
REPORTER:  “Great.  Thanks.  I think I have all I need.”
 
NANCY:  “Did you know those wire under-skirts were once called ‘Farthingales?’  Kind of ironic.”
 
REPORTER:  “Thanks for sharing that!  Gotta go!  Good luck at the lynching!”
 
NANCY:  “Oh, I don’t need luck... (she bows her head)  ...I’m a woman of prayer.”
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