1. You know how sometimes, in moments of great stress, you suddenly exhibit superhuman abilities? You can eliminate any obstacles, attempting feats you’d normally never try.
I call these moments, “Road Rage.”
2. If I ever become a coach, after our first loss I will publicly blame the players, their mothers who gave them life, and Jesus.
3. Guys, winter is a wonderful season for dating. The cold outside makes for warm settings inside; great for enjoying Christmas movies in your home or romantic dinners at cozy restaurants. More importantly, women are smaller than us, and move poorly in high snow—making for easy tracking. This is how I got my wife.
4. The other day I went for a long run. No point, no purpose, just a chance to clear my thoughts and get some perspective.
It was a soccer game.
5. When I heard “Duck Dynasty” was about duck hunters, I realized my programming idea of “Shetland Pony Dynasty” was doomed.
6. In a world where identical twins can behave completely different from one another, Astrology is the belief that all humans born in the same 30-day period will act roughly identical.
No joke there. Just thought I’d point it out.
7. My wife is a very honest person. She and I used to write fortune cookies, and hers would read, “I have absolutely no idea what’s going to happen to you.”
Mine were more fun. One read, “I mustn’t share future events, for if you were to change anything, the damage to the timeline could be catastrophic.”
Another read, “Don’t break the cookie before reading this message. Millions of lives are at stake.”
Yet another read simply, “The person to your left can’t be trusted.” That one had multiple meanings.
8. Last night I tossed and turned for hours, agonizing over the question of whose economic views mean more to my life: The Pope, or the Queen of England.
9. Things I like to say when walking liberal neighborhoods during election season:
- Join us, and together we can help the rich live fuller lives.
- Wow, your kids go to that school? My militia meets there!
- Have you thought about where you will spend eternity?
- We Republicans only go to seafood restaurants where our children can take their time, look in the tank, and choose their dolphin.
- I’m afraid I can’t answer any questions. I’m just a spokes-model.
- Have you ever wanted to bring joy to the hearts of children everywhere? Me neither—vote Republican.
- I just feel like God sent me to your door.
- While you share your opinions, mind if I text?
- By the way, I’m charging $20 for this visit. Yeah, yeah, I know, but I’m paying for Obamacare, and I didn’t ask for that either.
Cori and I wish you all a happy—and victorious—2014!
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