Moments ago, I caught up with Hillary Clinton for an exclusive interview:
“Mrs. Clinton, your daughter Chelsea said it’s important you be elected ‘for symbolic reasons.’ Was she referring to your gender?”
“Absolutely. Gender is my greatest achievement—along with travel. Having traveled extensively, and having done so as a woman, I now realize I am a symbol for all women who have ever lived. Or traveled.”
“Carly Fiorina calls travel an activity, not an accomplishment—”
“Well, if it’s just a man traveling…”
“—and she insists you’re playing the ‘gender card.’ Are you?”
“Of course not. I’m just saying my election will be the pinnacle reached by all great women to this point, from Cleopatra to Joan of Arc—”
“—Mrs. Clinton—”
“—to Mother Theresa, to—”
“—excuse me, Mrs.—”
“—to Ellen herself!”
“Ellen?”
“I guess, in my own little way, I represent a turning point in human history; a moment when women rise as one against this Republican War on Women.”
“Ellen?”
“If only we’d done this eight years ago, but some people got swept up in shallow identity politics—wanting to elect a ‘first this or first that’ instead of doing what’s right. Well, I’m not into ‘firsts.’ For me, it’s all about America.”
“Speaking of America—”
“Where?”
“Speaking of America, what issues do you see as most pressing, and what are your best qualifications for addressing them?”
“I’m glad you asked that. Americans care about those issues affecting them at home, in their day-to-day lives. One such issue is having a woman president. Don’t you want to see a woman president?”
“Well, with labor participation at a 35 year low, and the national debt approaching $19 Trillion..."
"Such petty concerns are beneath me."
"My point is, Americans face big challenges. You realize Republican-led states greatly outpace Democrat states in job creation and balanced budgets, right?”
“Perhaps, but are those Governors women?”
“Well…some are, actually...”
“But many aren’t, and isn’t that the point? Don’t you want to see jobs created by a woman president?”
“Well, I want jobs—”
“As I said in Iowa (note: She really said this), ‘we need to build the economy of tomorrow, not yesterday.’”
“The economy of tomorrow? Ummm…what the hell is that?”
“It’s hard for men to grasp.”
“You realize you’ve never actually created any j—“
“I’ve read about it. I studied it during my training to become (note: She really said this) 'a champion for everyday Americans.'”
“Training? In college?”
“Oh, no man’s college could qualify me to lead the fight for women.”
"You mean Americans."
"Who?"
"Everyday Americans...you want to be their champion."
"Well, half of them, anyway...no point leading those who can't understand the economy of tomorrow."
“The what?"
"Exactly. You men can't see it as I do!"
"But…what can you build when your only qualification is being a woman?”
“I sure am! In fact, I was born to be a woman! I'm certain of it! And it took a village to raise me…a village of courageous, warrior women…on the hidden Island of Themyscira.”
“Wait, what was that?”
“Themyscira.”
“You mean…you mean Wonder Woman’s home?”
“I can’t remember every girl there! I didn’t ask names when training with sword and shield, knowing one day I would awaken to a 3am phone call—on any of my four phones—and defend women everywhere!”
“Themyscira?”
“Are you listening? Yes, I was raised on an island where we warrior princesses bathed beneath waterfalls and ran along beaches in long, flowing pantsuits! And you dare question my qualifications?”
“Mrs. Clinton, setting aside that (shudder) mental image—“
“That feminine image!”
“—of course, that feminine image—“
“With women doing womanly things on woman-laden beaches!”
“—please stop—“
“—running in pantsuits, swimming in pantsuits, training in pantsuits—“
“—please, I’m begging you—“
“—calling out, ‘Hera, give me strength!’ in sweaty, battle-scarred pantsuits!”
“I…I...I can’t un-picture that. Can Hera give me amnesia?”
“It was there on Themyscira where I learned my destiny—”
“Defending a corrupt husband in your pursuit of power?”
“—to create a nation where Government exists solely for women!...helping pay their bills, choose their kids’ schools, buy their birth control, fund abortions, guarantee equal pay regardless of situation, lock in hiring quotas…WHATEVER IT TAKES FOR WOMEN TO BECOME MORE SELF-RELIANT!!!”
“But…but…”
“We can’t become self-reliant by ourselves, you know! It takes a village! A highly taxed village!…with strong women!...in glistening pantsuits!”
“I really should go—”
“Afraid of the truth, are you? Go ahead, run! My sisters will find you! We’ll find you all!!!”
Thus ends my first presidential interview. There will not be another. Shudder…
“Mrs. Clinton, your daughter Chelsea said it’s important you be elected ‘for symbolic reasons.’ Was she referring to your gender?”
“Absolutely. Gender is my greatest achievement—along with travel. Having traveled extensively, and having done so as a woman, I now realize I am a symbol for all women who have ever lived. Or traveled.”
“Carly Fiorina calls travel an activity, not an accomplishment—”
“Well, if it’s just a man traveling…”
“—and she insists you’re playing the ‘gender card.’ Are you?”
“Of course not. I’m just saying my election will be the pinnacle reached by all great women to this point, from Cleopatra to Joan of Arc—”
“—Mrs. Clinton—”
“—to Mother Theresa, to—”
“—excuse me, Mrs.—”
“—to Ellen herself!”
“Ellen?”
“I guess, in my own little way, I represent a turning point in human history; a moment when women rise as one against this Republican War on Women.”
“Ellen?”
“If only we’d done this eight years ago, but some people got swept up in shallow identity politics—wanting to elect a ‘first this or first that’ instead of doing what’s right. Well, I’m not into ‘firsts.’ For me, it’s all about America.”
“Speaking of America—”
“Where?”
“Speaking of America, what issues do you see as most pressing, and what are your best qualifications for addressing them?”
“I’m glad you asked that. Americans care about those issues affecting them at home, in their day-to-day lives. One such issue is having a woman president. Don’t you want to see a woman president?”
“Well, with labor participation at a 35 year low, and the national debt approaching $19 Trillion..."
"Such petty concerns are beneath me."
"My point is, Americans face big challenges. You realize Republican-led states greatly outpace Democrat states in job creation and balanced budgets, right?”
“Perhaps, but are those Governors women?”
“Well…some are, actually...”
“But many aren’t, and isn’t that the point? Don’t you want to see jobs created by a woman president?”
“Well, I want jobs—”
“As I said in Iowa (note: She really said this), ‘we need to build the economy of tomorrow, not yesterday.’”
“The economy of tomorrow? Ummm…what the hell is that?”
“It’s hard for men to grasp.”
“You realize you’ve never actually created any j—“
“I’ve read about it. I studied it during my training to become (note: She really said this) 'a champion for everyday Americans.'”
“Training? In college?”
“Oh, no man’s college could qualify me to lead the fight for women.”
"You mean Americans."
"Who?"
"Everyday Americans...you want to be their champion."
"Well, half of them, anyway...no point leading those who can't understand the economy of tomorrow."
“The what?"
"Exactly. You men can't see it as I do!"
"But…what can you build when your only qualification is being a woman?”
“I sure am! In fact, I was born to be a woman! I'm certain of it! And it took a village to raise me…a village of courageous, warrior women…on the hidden Island of Themyscira.”
“Wait, what was that?”
“Themyscira.”
“You mean…you mean Wonder Woman’s home?”
“I can’t remember every girl there! I didn’t ask names when training with sword and shield, knowing one day I would awaken to a 3am phone call—on any of my four phones—and defend women everywhere!”
“Themyscira?”
“Are you listening? Yes, I was raised on an island where we warrior princesses bathed beneath waterfalls and ran along beaches in long, flowing pantsuits! And you dare question my qualifications?”
“Mrs. Clinton, setting aside that (shudder) mental image—“
“That feminine image!”
“—of course, that feminine image—“
“With women doing womanly things on woman-laden beaches!”
“—please stop—“
“—running in pantsuits, swimming in pantsuits, training in pantsuits—“
“—please, I’m begging you—“
“—calling out, ‘Hera, give me strength!’ in sweaty, battle-scarred pantsuits!”
“I…I...I can’t un-picture that. Can Hera give me amnesia?”
“It was there on Themyscira where I learned my destiny—”
“Defending a corrupt husband in your pursuit of power?”
“—to create a nation where Government exists solely for women!...helping pay their bills, choose their kids’ schools, buy their birth control, fund abortions, guarantee equal pay regardless of situation, lock in hiring quotas…WHATEVER IT TAKES FOR WOMEN TO BECOME MORE SELF-RELIANT!!!”
“But…but…”
“We can’t become self-reliant by ourselves, you know! It takes a village! A highly taxed village!…with strong women!...in glistening pantsuits!”
“I really should go—”
“Afraid of the truth, are you? Go ahead, run! My sisters will find you! We’ll find you all!!!”
Thus ends my first presidential interview. There will not be another. Shudder…
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