“Batman!”
“What is it, Robin?”
“We just got a call from Commissioner Gordon! The Mayor released Joker, Riddler, Catwoman, Penguin and Mr. Freeze from Arkham!”
“I know, Robin. He was swapping them for Two-Face, who was being held against his will by terrorists!”
“Against his will? How could the mayor be sure?”
“Because the terrorists sent a video of Two-Face wearing robes! He looked sad!”
“He looked sad?”
“He sure did, and we never leave a man behind! Besides, the mayor assured me the five wouldn’t return to the battlefield, because they said so!”
“But they have! It’s mayhem out there!”
“Impossible! They said they wouldn’t! Suit up, old chum! To the Batmobile!”
“But…but where’s my Robin outfit?”
“Oh, about that. I thought it was time for (making quote marks in the air) an ‘upgrade.’”
“Upgrade? This is a T-Shirt!”
“You don’t like it?”
“It says ‘Staff.’”
“That’s right! It conveys a ‘Team First’ attitude!”
“Staff?”
“If citizens need help, they’ll know who to ask! They can say, ‘Here Staff! Come answer a question, Staff! Good Staff! Good Staff!’”
“But—”
“It’s all part of our new (making quote marks in the air) ‘public-friendly’ approach. The District Attorney says there have been complaints regarding our use of force, so—”
“But the District Attorney is Harvey Dent…Two-Face!”
“Yes! And now he’s back, contributing to society! Never leave a man behind! Remember how sad he looked? No price is too high!”
“So are you wearing a Staff shirt?”
“No can do, Robin! People want Batman! See how that rolls off the tongue? Batmannnn! No, I’m afraid I’m stuck wearing this sleek, ultra-cool ensemble that drives women crazy!”
“Maybe I’ll change my name…”
“Gotham is in danger! We need…Batmannnn!”
“No more Robin! I’ll be…I’ll be…”
“Staffman?”
“What? No! I need a name that commands respect! A name like—”
“—Staffboy?”
“—something striking fear in criminals, filling citizens with wonder!”
“Staffboy Wonder?”
“Stop that! This is ridiculous! How can I fight crime in this shirt?”
“Well, for starters, we don’t say ‘fight’ anymore. Too aggressive. We’re here to be helpful; to (making quote marks in the air) ‘connect’ with the community.”
“But we’re hunting five super-criminals!”
“Whoa! Hunting? Criminals? That’s pretty rough language, especially coming from Staffboy…never thought I’d see the day. Remember, we’re building relationships. That’s how you—”
“—fight crime?”
“No, that’s how you (making quote marks in the air) ‘resolve conflicts in—’”
“Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!” (Robin leaps on Batman, flailing with punches)
“Stop it! Bad staff! Bad staff! Jeez, you’re a wiry little fellow—”
“I can’t take anymore! How does any of this stop crime?!”
“—it’s like holding off an angry Chihuahua—”
(Robin backs away) “Oh yeah? Well here’s what I think of our public friendly approach!”
“Whoa! Those aren’t quote marks!”
“Batman, how can we do our job if we’re always hesitating, questioning our every move? Bad guys don’t hesitate! How can we protect Gotham when our District Attorney thinks we’re guilty until proven innocent?”
“Simple answer, old chum: No matter what, just stay in the car.”
“Excuse me?”
“Robbery in progress? Stay in the car. Victims being dragged into alleys? Stay in the car. Looters rampaging through burning buildings? DEFINITELY stay in the car.”
“Sooooo…we just drive around and ‘connect’ with the community?”
“We’re here to make our presence felt. A positive presence! That alone will reduce crime—”
“Reduce it? Gotham will get overrun!”
“—I’ve even mastered this handy little wave…they use it on floats in parades. No, if you’re ever tempted to leave the car, remember our motto.”
“Stay in the car?”
“Close. ‘No ground troops.’”
“What? What the hell does that mean? Look, hypothetically, if someone reaches in the car and is struggling to take my gun—”
“—we don’t use guns—”
“—HYPOTHETICALLY! If someone reaches in the car and is struggling for my gun, what do I do?”
“Only one option left. Remove the hostage from the equation. Shoot yourself.”
“Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!” (Robin leaps on Batman, flailing with punches)
“Ow! Stop it! Down Staff, down! This is no way to—ow!—get a—ow!—medal for Courageous Restraint! Ow! Ow!”
“Batman, this is insane! We trade bad people for people we don’t want back! We have good guys second-guessing themselves in a city of bad guys who don’t, and we give medals for even more restraint! Politicians treat us like we’re the threat!”
“Are you finished?”
“My shirt says ‘Staff!’”
“Are you finished?”
“I…I think so.”
“Good, because we’ll be late if we don’t hurry.”
“Late for what?”
“The mayor wants us to attend Sensitivity Training, hosted by TSA. Today’s class is called, ‘You do it! You do it! You do it!—Deciding who will pat down Caitlyn Jenner.’”
“Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!”
“What is it, Robin?”
“We just got a call from Commissioner Gordon! The Mayor released Joker, Riddler, Catwoman, Penguin and Mr. Freeze from Arkham!”
“I know, Robin. He was swapping them for Two-Face, who was being held against his will by terrorists!”
“Against his will? How could the mayor be sure?”
“Because the terrorists sent a video of Two-Face wearing robes! He looked sad!”
“He looked sad?”
“He sure did, and we never leave a man behind! Besides, the mayor assured me the five wouldn’t return to the battlefield, because they said so!”
“But they have! It’s mayhem out there!”
“Impossible! They said they wouldn’t! Suit up, old chum! To the Batmobile!”
“But…but where’s my Robin outfit?”
“Oh, about that. I thought it was time for (making quote marks in the air) an ‘upgrade.’”
“Upgrade? This is a T-Shirt!”
“You don’t like it?”
“It says ‘Staff.’”
“That’s right! It conveys a ‘Team First’ attitude!”
“Staff?”
“If citizens need help, they’ll know who to ask! They can say, ‘Here Staff! Come answer a question, Staff! Good Staff! Good Staff!’”
“But—”
“It’s all part of our new (making quote marks in the air) ‘public-friendly’ approach. The District Attorney says there have been complaints regarding our use of force, so—”
“But the District Attorney is Harvey Dent…Two-Face!”
“Yes! And now he’s back, contributing to society! Never leave a man behind! Remember how sad he looked? No price is too high!”
“So are you wearing a Staff shirt?”
“No can do, Robin! People want Batman! See how that rolls off the tongue? Batmannnn! No, I’m afraid I’m stuck wearing this sleek, ultra-cool ensemble that drives women crazy!”
“Maybe I’ll change my name…”
“Gotham is in danger! We need…Batmannnn!”
“No more Robin! I’ll be…I’ll be…”
“Staffman?”
“What? No! I need a name that commands respect! A name like—”
“—Staffboy?”
“—something striking fear in criminals, filling citizens with wonder!”
“Staffboy Wonder?”
“Stop that! This is ridiculous! How can I fight crime in this shirt?”
“Well, for starters, we don’t say ‘fight’ anymore. Too aggressive. We’re here to be helpful; to (making quote marks in the air) ‘connect’ with the community.”
“But we’re hunting five super-criminals!”
“Whoa! Hunting? Criminals? That’s pretty rough language, especially coming from Staffboy…never thought I’d see the day. Remember, we’re building relationships. That’s how you—”
“—fight crime?”
“No, that’s how you (making quote marks in the air) ‘resolve conflicts in—’”
“Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!” (Robin leaps on Batman, flailing with punches)
“Stop it! Bad staff! Bad staff! Jeez, you’re a wiry little fellow—”
“I can’t take anymore! How does any of this stop crime?!”
“—it’s like holding off an angry Chihuahua—”
(Robin backs away) “Oh yeah? Well here’s what I think of our public friendly approach!”
“Whoa! Those aren’t quote marks!”
“Batman, how can we do our job if we’re always hesitating, questioning our every move? Bad guys don’t hesitate! How can we protect Gotham when our District Attorney thinks we’re guilty until proven innocent?”
“Simple answer, old chum: No matter what, just stay in the car.”
“Excuse me?”
“Robbery in progress? Stay in the car. Victims being dragged into alleys? Stay in the car. Looters rampaging through burning buildings? DEFINITELY stay in the car.”
“Sooooo…we just drive around and ‘connect’ with the community?”
“We’re here to make our presence felt. A positive presence! That alone will reduce crime—”
“Reduce it? Gotham will get overrun!”
“—I’ve even mastered this handy little wave…they use it on floats in parades. No, if you’re ever tempted to leave the car, remember our motto.”
“Stay in the car?”
“Close. ‘No ground troops.’”
“What? What the hell does that mean? Look, hypothetically, if someone reaches in the car and is struggling to take my gun—”
“—we don’t use guns—”
“—HYPOTHETICALLY! If someone reaches in the car and is struggling for my gun, what do I do?”
“Only one option left. Remove the hostage from the equation. Shoot yourself.”
“Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!” (Robin leaps on Batman, flailing with punches)
“Ow! Stop it! Down Staff, down! This is no way to—ow!—get a—ow!—medal for Courageous Restraint! Ow! Ow!”
“Batman, this is insane! We trade bad people for people we don’t want back! We have good guys second-guessing themselves in a city of bad guys who don’t, and we give medals for even more restraint! Politicians treat us like we’re the threat!”
“Are you finished?”
“My shirt says ‘Staff!’”
“Are you finished?”
“I…I think so.”
“Good, because we’ll be late if we don’t hurry.”
“Late for what?”
“The mayor wants us to attend Sensitivity Training, hosted by TSA. Today’s class is called, ‘You do it! You do it! You do it!—Deciding who will pat down Caitlyn Jenner.’”
“Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!”
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