MODERATOR: “Ladies and Gentlemen, I’d like to welcome all the candidates to the great state of New Hampshire.
BUSH: “Thanks!”
KASICH: “Yeah, my state’s bigger, but thanks!”
MODERATOR: “I was just giving a general welcome. You don’t need to—”
KASICH: “This is like a county! Do people live here?”
MODERATOR: (stares forward for a moment) “Let’s get started. Senator Rubio, we’ll begin with you.”
RUBIO: “After Iowa, I can see why!”
MODERATOR: “Right. Senator Rubio, I can’t help but notice you’re wearing a Bronze Medal.”
RUBIO: “What, this little thing?”
MODERATOR: “Senator, it’s the size of a paper plate.”
RUBIO: “Isn’t it cool? I made it!”
MODERATOR: “Senator—”
RUBIO: “And guess what I used! A paper plate!”
MODERATOR: “Senator—”
RUBIO: “See? It says, ‘3rd Place!’ That means I won!”
MODERATOR: “Actually…”
CRUZ: “Can I jump in here?”
RUBIO: “Do you have a medal?”
CRUZ: “No! Jeez, what are you, five?”
RUBIO: “Boy, someone here needs a plate…”
CRUZ: (stares forward for a moment) “Marco, I see Rick Santorum has endorsed you—”
RUBIO: “That’s right! Guess what I’m sending him!”
CRUZ: “WILL YOU STOP WITH THE— (composes himself)—anyway, when Rick Santorum was asked to list your accomplishments, he hesitated so long, a nearby artist sketched this portrait.”
BUSH: “Thanks!”
KASICH: “Yeah, my state’s bigger, but thanks!”
MODERATOR: “I was just giving a general welcome. You don’t need to—”
KASICH: “This is like a county! Do people live here?”
MODERATOR: (stares forward for a moment) “Let’s get started. Senator Rubio, we’ll begin with you.”
RUBIO: “After Iowa, I can see why!”
MODERATOR: “Right. Senator Rubio, I can’t help but notice you’re wearing a Bronze Medal.”
RUBIO: “What, this little thing?”
MODERATOR: “Senator, it’s the size of a paper plate.”
RUBIO: “Isn’t it cool? I made it!”
MODERATOR: “Senator—”
RUBIO: “And guess what I used! A paper plate!”
MODERATOR: “Senator—”
RUBIO: “See? It says, ‘3rd Place!’ That means I won!”
MODERATOR: “Actually…”
CRUZ: “Can I jump in here?”
RUBIO: “Do you have a medal?”
CRUZ: “No! Jeez, what are you, five?”
RUBIO: “Boy, someone here needs a plate…”
CRUZ: (stares forward for a moment) “Marco, I see Rick Santorum has endorsed you—”
RUBIO: “That’s right! Guess what I’m sending him!”
CRUZ: “WILL YOU STOP WITH THE— (composes himself)—anyway, when Rick Santorum was asked to list your accomplishments, he hesitated so long, a nearby artist sketched this portrait.”
(Cruz holds up the painting, “The Scream”)
RUBIO: “That’s completely unfair! You’re just—oh wait, yeah that’s him.”
CHRISTIE: “Forget it, Ted! He doesn’t know you’re insulting him! Marco’s never been challenged!”
RUBIO: “Stay out of this, Chris! Ted’s showing me a picture!”
CHRISTIE: “You see? You see? Marco’s the boy in a bubble! Totally protected!”
RUBIO: “Protected people don’t win medals, pal!”
CHRISTIE: “What?”
MODERATOR: “Gentlemen, we’re getting off track. Let’s turn to an issue that has everyone talking. Senator Cruz, in Iowa, your campaign told precinct captains Ben Carson was dropping out—”
CRUZ: “Based on a CNN report.”
MODERATOR: “—and that Carson had endorsed you—”
CRUZ: “A fair assumption from the report.”
MODERATOR: “—and you included a photo-shopped picture of Carson wearing your T-Shirt.”
CRUZ: “That was real.”
MODERATOR: “Senator, the head is his, but the arms and hands are white.”
CRUZ: “Are you making this a race thing?”
CHRISTIE: “Forget it, Ted! He doesn’t know you’re insulting him! Marco’s never been challenged!”
RUBIO: “Stay out of this, Chris! Ted’s showing me a picture!”
CHRISTIE: “You see? You see? Marco’s the boy in a bubble! Totally protected!”
RUBIO: “Protected people don’t win medals, pal!”
CHRISTIE: “What?”
MODERATOR: “Gentlemen, we’re getting off track. Let’s turn to an issue that has everyone talking. Senator Cruz, in Iowa, your campaign told precinct captains Ben Carson was dropping out—”
CRUZ: “Based on a CNN report.”
MODERATOR: “—and that Carson had endorsed you—”
CRUZ: “A fair assumption from the report.”
MODERATOR: “—and you included a photo-shopped picture of Carson wearing your T-Shirt.”
CRUZ: “That was real.”
MODERATOR: “Senator, the head is his, but the arms and hands are white.”
CRUZ: “Are you making this a race thing?”
(The moderator stares forward)
TRUMP: “Cut the act, Ted! You stole Iowa!”
MODERATOR: “Mr. Trump, no one’s saying—“
TRUMP: “My Iowa! Not that I’m unhappy with 2nd place! But you stole my Iowa!”
BUSH: “Your Iowa? I paid for it!”
MODERATOR: “Mr. Trump—”
TRUMP: “We need a recount! All the stupid people in Iowa deserve another chance to vote for me!”
MODERATOR: “Mr. Trump—”
TRUMP: “I like my chances with those morons!”
CARSON: “Excuse me. Can I weigh in?”
MODERATOR: “I’m sorry, Dr. Carson, but with that question you’ve used up your time.”
CARSON: “I understand. Thank you.”
MODERATOR: “Back to you, Donald.”
CRUZ: “Why go back to Donald? He’s just throwing a Trumper tantrum!”
MODERATOR: “A what?”
CRUZ: “We need a Commander in Chief, not a Twitterer in Chief!”
MODERATOR: “Okay, stop that—”
CRUZ: “Don’t make Donald mad! He’ll Trumplode!”
BUSH: “The Moderator said stop, Ted! I don’t understand these sentences! The words seem wrong! But I like the picture! Can I please be asked a question?”
MODERATOR: (stares forward for a moment) “Oh…well…alright. Governor Bush—”
BUSH: “False!”
MODERATOR: “Mmmyyyeah. Governor Bush, recent polling suggests if everyone else drops out of the race, you will come in third.”
BUSH: “Sweet! Do I get a bronze?”
MODERATOR: “Actually, that wasn’t the question—”
BUSH: “True! Wait, no! Can I go again? You asked it too fast!”
MODERATOR: “I haven’t asked anything yet.”
BUSH: “Why does Marco get a medal?”
MODERATOR: (through gritted teeth) “It’s…a…plaaaate.”
RUBIO: “It means I won!”
CHRISTIE: “A painted plate hanging on a string? That’s like a participation trophy for pets!”
RUBIO: "Well, maybe if you’d participate—”
CHRISTIE: “Gahhh!!! I’m losing to an infant!”
KASICH: “That’s because you lack endorsements, Chris. I was endorsed by the New York Times. It moved me to tears.”
CRUZ: “I’d cry, too.”
KASICH: “What’s that supposed to mean?”
CRUZ: “You’re kidding, right? The New York Times? Did you also snag Al Jazeera?”
KASICH: “They endorse?”
CHRISTIE: “He doesn’t get it, Ted. Try holding up the picture again.”
MODERATOR: (stares forward for a moment) “Okay, that’s it! I can’t do this anymore!”
BUSH: “You want me to fill in?”
MODERATOR: “What? No! Are you serious?”
BUSH: “I never kid about filling in for moderators in New Hampshire. Never. (looks at camera) I’m a man of my word.”
RUBIO: “Well, I’m leaving! I never like to be around when the voting starts!”
MODERATOR: “Mr. Trump, no one’s saying—“
TRUMP: “My Iowa! Not that I’m unhappy with 2nd place! But you stole my Iowa!”
BUSH: “Your Iowa? I paid for it!”
MODERATOR: “Mr. Trump—”
TRUMP: “We need a recount! All the stupid people in Iowa deserve another chance to vote for me!”
MODERATOR: “Mr. Trump—”
TRUMP: “I like my chances with those morons!”
CARSON: “Excuse me. Can I weigh in?”
MODERATOR: “I’m sorry, Dr. Carson, but with that question you’ve used up your time.”
CARSON: “I understand. Thank you.”
MODERATOR: “Back to you, Donald.”
CRUZ: “Why go back to Donald? He’s just throwing a Trumper tantrum!”
MODERATOR: “A what?”
CRUZ: “We need a Commander in Chief, not a Twitterer in Chief!”
MODERATOR: “Okay, stop that—”
CRUZ: “Don’t make Donald mad! He’ll Trumplode!”
BUSH: “The Moderator said stop, Ted! I don’t understand these sentences! The words seem wrong! But I like the picture! Can I please be asked a question?”
MODERATOR: (stares forward for a moment) “Oh…well…alright. Governor Bush—”
BUSH: “False!”
MODERATOR: “Mmmyyyeah. Governor Bush, recent polling suggests if everyone else drops out of the race, you will come in third.”
BUSH: “Sweet! Do I get a bronze?”
MODERATOR: “Actually, that wasn’t the question—”
BUSH: “True! Wait, no! Can I go again? You asked it too fast!”
MODERATOR: “I haven’t asked anything yet.”
BUSH: “Why does Marco get a medal?”
MODERATOR: (through gritted teeth) “It’s…a…plaaaate.”
RUBIO: “It means I won!”
CHRISTIE: “A painted plate hanging on a string? That’s like a participation trophy for pets!”
RUBIO: "Well, maybe if you’d participate—”
CHRISTIE: “Gahhh!!! I’m losing to an infant!”
KASICH: “That’s because you lack endorsements, Chris. I was endorsed by the New York Times. It moved me to tears.”
CRUZ: “I’d cry, too.”
KASICH: “What’s that supposed to mean?”
CRUZ: “You’re kidding, right? The New York Times? Did you also snag Al Jazeera?”
KASICH: “They endorse?”
CHRISTIE: “He doesn’t get it, Ted. Try holding up the picture again.”
MODERATOR: (stares forward for a moment) “Okay, that’s it! I can’t do this anymore!”
BUSH: “You want me to fill in?”
MODERATOR: “What? No! Are you serious?”
BUSH: “I never kid about filling in for moderators in New Hampshire. Never. (looks at camera) I’m a man of my word.”
RUBIO: “Well, I’m leaving! I never like to be around when the voting starts!”
(Everyone files out except Christie, who just stares at the floor while shaking his head. Cruz hands him “The Scream” picture as he walks by)
CHRISTIE: “Losing to him. He’s an infant, and I’m losing to him.” (slowly lifts the picture up over his head) “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!”
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