
BUSH: “Thanks!”
KASICH: “Yeah, my state’s bigger, but thanks!”
MODERATOR: “I was just giving a general welcome. You don’t need to—”
KASICH: “This is like a county! Do people live here?”
MODERATOR: (stares forward for a moment) “Let’s get started. Senator Rubio, we’ll begin with you.”
RUBIO: “After Iowa, I can see why!”
MODERATOR: “Right. Senator Rubio, I can’t help but notice you’re wearing a Bronze Medal.”
RUBIO: “What, this little thing?”
MODERATOR: “Senator, it’s the size of a paper plate.”
RUBIO: “Isn’t it cool? I made it!”
MODERATOR: “Senator—”
RUBIO: “And guess what I used! A paper plate!”
MODERATOR: “Senator—”
RUBIO: “See? It says, ‘3rd Place!’ That means I won!”
MODERATOR: “Actually…”
CRUZ: “Can I jump in here?”
RUBIO: “Do you have a medal?”
CRUZ: “No! Jeez, what are you, five?”
RUBIO: “Boy, someone here needs a plate…”
CRUZ: (stares forward for a moment) “Marco, I see Rick Santorum has endorsed you—”
RUBIO: “That’s right! Guess what I’m sending him!”
CRUZ: “WILL YOU STOP WITH THE— (composes himself)—anyway, when Rick Santorum was asked to list your accomplishments, he hesitated so long, a nearby artist sketched this portrait.”
CHRISTIE: “Forget it, Ted! He doesn’t know you’re insulting him! Marco’s never been challenged!”
RUBIO: “Stay out of this, Chris! Ted’s showing me a picture!”
CHRISTIE: “You see? You see? Marco’s the boy in a bubble! Totally protected!”
RUBIO: “Protected people don’t win medals, pal!”
CHRISTIE: “What?”
MODERATOR: “Gentlemen, we’re getting off track. Let’s turn to an issue that has everyone talking. Senator Cruz, in Iowa, your campaign told precinct captains Ben Carson was dropping out—”
CRUZ: “Based on a CNN report.”
MODERATOR: “—and that Carson had endorsed you—”
CRUZ: “A fair assumption from the report.”
MODERATOR: “—and you included a photo-shopped picture of Carson wearing your T-Shirt.”
CRUZ: “That was real.”
MODERATOR: “Senator, the head is his, but the arms and hands are white.”
CRUZ: “Are you making this a race thing?”
MODERATOR: “Mr. Trump, no one’s saying—“
TRUMP: “My Iowa! Not that I’m unhappy with 2nd place! But you stole my Iowa!”
BUSH: “Your Iowa? I paid for it!”
MODERATOR: “Mr. Trump—”
TRUMP: “We need a recount! All the stupid people in Iowa deserve another chance to vote for me!”
MODERATOR: “Mr. Trump—”
TRUMP: “I like my chances with those morons!”
CARSON: “Excuse me. Can I weigh in?”
MODERATOR: “I’m sorry, Dr. Carson, but with that question you’ve used up your time.”
CARSON: “I understand. Thank you.”
MODERATOR: “Back to you, Donald.”
CRUZ: “Why go back to Donald? He’s just throwing a Trumper tantrum!”
MODERATOR: “A what?”
CRUZ: “We need a Commander in Chief, not a Twitterer in Chief!”
MODERATOR: “Okay, stop that—”
CRUZ: “Don’t make Donald mad! He’ll Trumplode!”
BUSH: “The Moderator said stop, Ted! I don’t understand these sentences! The words seem wrong! But I like the picture! Can I please be asked a question?”
MODERATOR: (stares forward for a moment) “Oh…well…alright. Governor Bush—”
BUSH: “False!”
MODERATOR: “Mmmyyyeah. Governor Bush, recent polling suggests if everyone else drops out of the race, you will come in third.”
BUSH: “Sweet! Do I get a bronze?”
MODERATOR: “Actually, that wasn’t the question—”
BUSH: “True! Wait, no! Can I go again? You asked it too fast!”
MODERATOR: “I haven’t asked anything yet.”
BUSH: “Why does Marco get a medal?”
MODERATOR: (through gritted teeth) “It’s…a…plaaaate.”
RUBIO: “It means I won!”
CHRISTIE: “A painted plate hanging on a string? That’s like a participation trophy for pets!”
RUBIO: "Well, maybe if you’d participate—”
CHRISTIE: “Gahhh!!! I’m losing to an infant!”
KASICH: “That’s because you lack endorsements, Chris. I was endorsed by the New York Times. It moved me to tears.”
CRUZ: “I’d cry, too.”
KASICH: “What’s that supposed to mean?”
CRUZ: “You’re kidding, right? The New York Times? Did you also snag Al Jazeera?”
KASICH: “They endorse?”
CHRISTIE: “He doesn’t get it, Ted. Try holding up the picture again.”
MODERATOR: (stares forward for a moment) “Okay, that’s it! I can’t do this anymore!”
BUSH: “You want me to fill in?”
MODERATOR: “What? No! Are you serious?”
BUSH: “I never kid about filling in for moderators in New Hampshire. Never. (looks at camera) I’m a man of my word.”
RUBIO: “Well, I’m leaving! I never like to be around when the voting starts!”