We all recall CNBC’s GOP Debate a bit differently. Here’s how I remember it:
Moderator: “Thank you all for being here. Let’s start tonight with the same question for each candidate: What is your biggest weakness, and how could Hillary Clinton best exploit it?”
Rubio: “That’s a despicable question! None of us will dignify that with an answer—”
Fiorina: “I haven’t smiled since I was six.”
Rubio: “—except Carly.”
Trump: “Let’s each share one for the person on our right! John Kasich won’t have to, since he’s on the end.”
Kasich: “Hey!”
Trump: “Speak up, John. Can’t hear you down there.”
Kasich: “Well, I think it’s a great question! Since I’m from Ohio, my biggest weakness is…Cleveland!”
Moderator: “Governor, you can’t actually use a city.”
Kasich: “Ever been to Cleveland?”
Fiorina: “I was sad in Cleveland.”
Trump: “Okay, here’s mine. I’ve had more wives than a sheik. I don’t even know the current one’s name, so I call her ‘The Trump 2000.’”
Carson: “This really isn’t instructive. Shouldn’t we discuss issues?”
Moderator: “Fair enough, Dr. Carson. Let’s talk government programs. If America had a gay astronaut, would you defund NASA?”
Carson: “What?”
Moderator: “To clarify, if John Glenn were gay, would you have left him on the moon?”
Carson: “Well, I don’t think that’s—”
Kasich: “—I wouldn’t leave him there! I’m no hater! These are great questions, by the way. You guys are doing a great job.”
Moderator: “Thank you, Governor.”
Trump: “Yes, thank you, Governor Kiss-up.”
Kasich: “Kasich! It’s Governor Kasich!”
Trump: “Sorry, I must have hit a raw Cleveland.”
Kasich: “Stop it!”
Trump: “Waddya gonna do, shoot me? To hit me from there, you’d need a scope.”
Kasich: (rushing to attack Trump) “Aaaaaaaaaa!”
Moderator: “Thank you all for being here. Let’s start tonight with the same question for each candidate: What is your biggest weakness, and how could Hillary Clinton best exploit it?”
Rubio: “That’s a despicable question! None of us will dignify that with an answer—”
Fiorina: “I haven’t smiled since I was six.”
Rubio: “—except Carly.”
Trump: “Let’s each share one for the person on our right! John Kasich won’t have to, since he’s on the end.”
Kasich: “Hey!”
Trump: “Speak up, John. Can’t hear you down there.”
Kasich: “Well, I think it’s a great question! Since I’m from Ohio, my biggest weakness is…Cleveland!”
Moderator: “Governor, you can’t actually use a city.”
Kasich: “Ever been to Cleveland?”
Fiorina: “I was sad in Cleveland.”
Trump: “Okay, here’s mine. I’ve had more wives than a sheik. I don’t even know the current one’s name, so I call her ‘The Trump 2000.’”
Carson: “This really isn’t instructive. Shouldn’t we discuss issues?”
Moderator: “Fair enough, Dr. Carson. Let’s talk government programs. If America had a gay astronaut, would you defund NASA?”
Carson: “What?”
Moderator: “To clarify, if John Glenn were gay, would you have left him on the moon?”
Carson: “Well, I don’t think that’s—”
Kasich: “—I wouldn’t leave him there! I’m no hater! These are great questions, by the way. You guys are doing a great job.”
Moderator: “Thank you, Governor.”
Trump: “Yes, thank you, Governor Kiss-up.”
Kasich: “Kasich! It’s Governor Kasich!”
Trump: “Sorry, I must have hit a raw Cleveland.”
Kasich: “Stop it!”
Trump: “Waddya gonna do, shoot me? To hit me from there, you’d need a scope.”
Kasich: (rushing to attack Trump) “Aaaaaaaaaa!”
We now interrupt our programming with this commercial message
(Jeb Bush is pictured, pushing a toy car along a table)
“You own your presidential campaign. You name it, ‘Brad.’ You love Brad! (pushes car off table) And then you total him! No Brad, no!”
“You try to save Brad, paying staff with bogus money that has your face on it! It doesn’t work! You beg for help from former contributors—who you find at a nearby Rubio beach party…”
“C’mon, everybody! We gotta fix Brad! You there—the Cuban with the hot wife! You did this! You killed Brad! YOU! KILLED! BRAD!!!”
“Your family calls a meeting, at which you are officially disowned. In closing, your brother George says he now regrets the Iraq War—after hearing you defend it. The gavel strikes…everyone’s in such a rush…something about a beach party.”
“Let’s return to the debate. I’ve prepared a great attack on Rubio. Pray for Brad. Thank you.”
“You own your presidential campaign. You name it, ‘Brad.’ You love Brad! (pushes car off table) And then you total him! No Brad, no!”
“You try to save Brad, paying staff with bogus money that has your face on it! It doesn’t work! You beg for help from former contributors—who you find at a nearby Rubio beach party…”
“C’mon, everybody! We gotta fix Brad! You there—the Cuban with the hot wife! You did this! You killed Brad! YOU! KILLED! BRAD!!!”
“Your family calls a meeting, at which you are officially disowned. In closing, your brother George says he now regrets the Iraq War—after hearing you defend it. The gavel strikes…everyone’s in such a rush…something about a beach party.”
“Let’s return to the debate. I’ve prepared a great attack on Rubio. Pray for Brad. Thank you.”
We now rejoin our scheduled program, still in progress.
Christie: “—fantasy football? Why are we talking about fantasy football? My team sucks!”
Cruz: “This is why no one trusts the Main Stream Media! Listen to these questions! You asked for our weaknesses! You asked Ben about gay astronauts! You asked Carly why she frowns all the time, and that took us all to a deep, dark place with images that will haunt us forever!”
Fiorina: “My soul is a wellspring of unconscious torment.”
Cruz: “You see? I don’t even know what that means!”
Bush: “Yeah! And what about Marco’s missed Senate votes!”
Cruz: “You see? Now you’ve got Jeb doing it!”
(Jeb looks frustrated)
Moderator: “Let’s move to Governor Huckabee, who hasn’t spoken yet.”
Rand Paul: “Neither have I.”
Moderator: “We know. Governor Huckabee, this question is for you and all the other Jesus people. Does Donald Trump have the moral authority to lead this nation in your crusade against all non-Jesus people?”
Huckabee: “That question is shameful! Donald is fine! I’m wearing one of his ties!”
Trump: “Mike, you’ve got class! Tell you what, if you want any of these non-Jesus people taken out, just say the word. I know a guy.”
Huckabee: “That won’t be nec—”
Cruz: “These questions are insulting! None of the moderators are voting for anyone on this stage! They’re wearing ‘Ready For Hillary’ T-Shirts, for Pete’s sake!”
Moderator: “These were on sale! Besides, Governor Kasich is wearing one!”
Kasich: “It was on sale! You guys are doing a great job, by the way.”
Moderator: “Thank you, Governor. Turning to Senator Rubio—”
Kasich: “Can I sit over there with you?”
Moderator: “Maybe next time. Senator Rubio, as the poorest candidate here, can you explain why you missed Senate votes to raise money?”
Rubio: “Well, you just answered your own—”
Bush: (glaring at Rubio) “You killed Brad.”
(Rubio slowly moves away)
Moderator: “I’m sorry, Governor Bush, what was that?”
Bush: “Glad you asked! Oh man, I’ve waited so long—”
Trump: “Boom! Time’s up! I, the Great and Powerful Don, negotiated this debate down to two hours!”
Bush: “But, but—”
Trump: “Sorry, Jeb! I can’t hear you over my awesomeness! Let’s get the hell outta here!”
And with that, the debate ended. Setting a CNBC record, the event drew 14 million viewers—who will never watch CNBC again.
Cruz: “This is why no one trusts the Main Stream Media! Listen to these questions! You asked for our weaknesses! You asked Ben about gay astronauts! You asked Carly why she frowns all the time, and that took us all to a deep, dark place with images that will haunt us forever!”
Fiorina: “My soul is a wellspring of unconscious torment.”
Cruz: “You see? I don’t even know what that means!”
Bush: “Yeah! And what about Marco’s missed Senate votes!”
Cruz: “You see? Now you’ve got Jeb doing it!”
(Jeb looks frustrated)
Moderator: “Let’s move to Governor Huckabee, who hasn’t spoken yet.”
Rand Paul: “Neither have I.”
Moderator: “We know. Governor Huckabee, this question is for you and all the other Jesus people. Does Donald Trump have the moral authority to lead this nation in your crusade against all non-Jesus people?”
Huckabee: “That question is shameful! Donald is fine! I’m wearing one of his ties!”
Trump: “Mike, you’ve got class! Tell you what, if you want any of these non-Jesus people taken out, just say the word. I know a guy.”
Huckabee: “That won’t be nec—”
Cruz: “These questions are insulting! None of the moderators are voting for anyone on this stage! They’re wearing ‘Ready For Hillary’ T-Shirts, for Pete’s sake!”
Moderator: “These were on sale! Besides, Governor Kasich is wearing one!”
Kasich: “It was on sale! You guys are doing a great job, by the way.”
Moderator: “Thank you, Governor. Turning to Senator Rubio—”
Kasich: “Can I sit over there with you?”
Moderator: “Maybe next time. Senator Rubio, as the poorest candidate here, can you explain why you missed Senate votes to raise money?”
Rubio: “Well, you just answered your own—”
Bush: (glaring at Rubio) “You killed Brad.”
(Rubio slowly moves away)
Moderator: “I’m sorry, Governor Bush, what was that?”
Bush: “Glad you asked! Oh man, I’ve waited so long—”
Trump: “Boom! Time’s up! I, the Great and Powerful Don, negotiated this debate down to two hours!”
Bush: “But, but—”
Trump: “Sorry, Jeb! I can’t hear you over my awesomeness! Let’s get the hell outta here!”
And with that, the debate ended. Setting a CNBC record, the event drew 14 million viewers—who will never watch CNBC again.
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