Citing a recent study, CNN has announced that Global Warming damages our sex lives. I believe they’re right…
(A husband and wife are playing tennis)
You two make a great team, and she’s still the girl of your dreams. So don’t let your Climate Dysfunction hold you back.
(Now they’re doing dishes, and she splashes him with soapy water)
She’s at it again. With a knowing wink, she begins sending signals.
(Now he’s on the couch. She’s standing, pointing at a whiteboard and…streetlight)
Sure, your mind isn’t what it once was, but she explains her signals with charts, graphs, and a streetlight she has installed in the living room. It’s flashing Green.
You start to get excited. “Green means Go or something! I should get up now for some reason!”
Not so fast. A CNN Special Report comes on. It’s about Global Warming, and it features Al Gore. Sure, you should turn it off, but your mind isn’t what it once was—hence why CNN is on. Your excitement fades. Droning in monotone, Al describes the plight facing one of Global Warming’s most helpless victims: CGI polar bears.
“There was a time,” says Al, “when CGI polar bears were plentiful, thundering across the Arctic and guzzling Coca Cola. But now, they are vanishing before our eyes.” (Bears start blinking off the screen) “Yes. This is exactly how it happens.”
You start to get excited. “Green means Go or something! I should get up now for some reason!”
Not so fast. A CNN Special Report comes on. It’s about Global Warming, and it features Al Gore. Sure, you should turn it off, but your mind isn’t what it once was—hence why CNN is on. Your excitement fades. Droning in monotone, Al describes the plight facing one of Global Warming’s most helpless victims: CGI polar bears.
“There was a time,” says Al, “when CGI polar bears were plentiful, thundering across the Arctic and guzzling Coca Cola. But now, they are vanishing before our eyes.” (Bears start blinking off the screen) “Yes. This is exactly how it happens.”
(Only one parentless cub remains, reaching out toward you, wanting to be held)
You become confused. “Honey, where are all the polar bears we used to own? Why is everything different now?”
Al continues: “Without these CGI polar bears, the Earth loses balance, spinning at fifty times its current speed!”
“Fifty times? That’s way more than twenty!”
Al continues: “And with no polar bears holding them, millions of Coke bottles hurl like missiles across the twirling planet—into populated areas! Just watch these lifelike scenes from ‘Armageddon!’ We’re all in great peril!”
“Aaaaauuuugh!”
“This is idiotic,” says your wife. “Let’s go upstairs.”
“But…but…Al is making me sad! My mind isn’t what it used to be, and I think I have Climate Dysfunction! I’m sad!”
Undeterred, your wife changes into one of her special costumes—either “Naughty teacher wearing Fast & Furious babe outfits while washing your car,” or…
…“South Dakota Congresswoman Kristi Noem.”
But nothing helps. Unable to forget those poor CGI polar bears, your mind turns to all things Global Warming...like hurricane seasons from a decade ago…droughts…unshaved, flea-ridden environmentalists…hmmm…
Your wife gestures to the green light. She then points to the floor, where she has arranged a trail of footprint cutouts leading up the stairs. Something stirs within you, so you stand—and start picking up the footprints. Let’s face it, the place is a mess.
Climate Dysfunction is real, my friend.
But all is not lost, for you have a smart wife. She sits you down and lays her head on your shoulder. Gently taking the remote, she calms you with her steady, loving voice. “Honey,” she whispers, “I think it’s time we tried ‘Realis.’”
Just like that, she changes the channel to Fox News.
Suddenly, a new world opens up! The Antarctic Ice is growing! Hurricane seasons have fallen dramatically! Nearly two decades have passed without meaningful warming! Half the scientists forming Global Warming “consensus” have degrees in dentistry!
You see polar bear populations are thriving! And look! Baby Bear runs to hug Papa Bear, who just finished a long day working on an oil rig! Or logging! Mama Bear is humming away in the kitchen, preparing her latest kill! It’s seal! After dinner, the bears help restore nature’s beauty with fire hoses, washing down a group of environmentalists they’ve captured!
It’s all so…so…so darned happy!
Deep in your mind, wheels start turning, with literal rust coughing from your ears (CNN buildup—nasty stuff). “Honey, I’m thinking about you in strange ways! This hurts my head, but I like it! We should probably go somewhere and do something I guess!”
That’s Realis. You’re becoming a man again. Though your mind isn’t what it used to be, you don’t let a thing like Climate Dysfunction hold you back! Well, maybe you do, but your wife doesn’t! And now she’s setting out the footprints!
Follow them, my brother! Follow them to freedom!
Al continues: “Without these CGI polar bears, the Earth loses balance, spinning at fifty times its current speed!”
“Fifty times? That’s way more than twenty!”
Al continues: “And with no polar bears holding them, millions of Coke bottles hurl like missiles across the twirling planet—into populated areas! Just watch these lifelike scenes from ‘Armageddon!’ We’re all in great peril!”
“Aaaaauuuugh!”
“This is idiotic,” says your wife. “Let’s go upstairs.”
“But…but…Al is making me sad! My mind isn’t what it used to be, and I think I have Climate Dysfunction! I’m sad!”
Undeterred, your wife changes into one of her special costumes—either “Naughty teacher wearing Fast & Furious babe outfits while washing your car,” or…
…“South Dakota Congresswoman Kristi Noem.”
But nothing helps. Unable to forget those poor CGI polar bears, your mind turns to all things Global Warming...like hurricane seasons from a decade ago…droughts…unshaved, flea-ridden environmentalists…hmmm…
Your wife gestures to the green light. She then points to the floor, where she has arranged a trail of footprint cutouts leading up the stairs. Something stirs within you, so you stand—and start picking up the footprints. Let’s face it, the place is a mess.
Climate Dysfunction is real, my friend.
But all is not lost, for you have a smart wife. She sits you down and lays her head on your shoulder. Gently taking the remote, she calms you with her steady, loving voice. “Honey,” she whispers, “I think it’s time we tried ‘Realis.’”
Just like that, she changes the channel to Fox News.
Suddenly, a new world opens up! The Antarctic Ice is growing! Hurricane seasons have fallen dramatically! Nearly two decades have passed without meaningful warming! Half the scientists forming Global Warming “consensus” have degrees in dentistry!
You see polar bear populations are thriving! And look! Baby Bear runs to hug Papa Bear, who just finished a long day working on an oil rig! Or logging! Mama Bear is humming away in the kitchen, preparing her latest kill! It’s seal! After dinner, the bears help restore nature’s beauty with fire hoses, washing down a group of environmentalists they’ve captured!
It’s all so…so…so darned happy!
Deep in your mind, wheels start turning, with literal rust coughing from your ears (CNN buildup—nasty stuff). “Honey, I’m thinking about you in strange ways! This hurts my head, but I like it! We should probably go somewhere and do something I guess!”
That’s Realis. You’re becoming a man again. Though your mind isn’t what it used to be, you don’t let a thing like Climate Dysfunction hold you back! Well, maybe you do, but your wife doesn’t! And now she’s setting out the footprints!
Follow them, my brother! Follow them to freedom!
Warning: Realis isn’t for everyone. Ask your doctor if you’re Conservative enough to enjoy sex—or anything else, for that matter)
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