Carly's Musical Speech by Andy Peth

Today, Ted Cruz presented Carly Fiorina as his Vice Presidential candidate.  All was smooth as he opened with a stump speech—which ran a bit long.  But shortly after introducing his new running mate, things went awry…
 
TED:  “And with that, I am pleased to introduce to you an extraordinary leader, and the next Vice President of the United States, Carly Fiorina!”

(Carly walks on as the crowd cheers)

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CARLY:  “Today I’m very proud, and very humbled and honored to accept Ted Cruz’s offer to be his Vice President for the Republican nomination.  As Ted mentioned earlier, I’ve grown very close with his daughters…we sing on the bus…(she trails off)…and on that note…”

(Ted looks on from offstage, becoming concerned)

CARLY:  “…The snow glows white on the mountain tonight, not a footprint to be seen—”
 
TED:  “Wait…why is she singing?”
 
CARLY:  “—a kingdom of isolation and it looks like I'm the queen.”
 
TED:  “VP!  Just VP!”

(Ted is waving his hands and giving the “Cut!” sign)

CARLY:  “The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside.  Couldn't keep it in, Heaven knows I tried.”
 
TED:  “Try harder!”

(Security rushes forward, but they’re frozen in place by a wave of Carly’s hand)

CARLY:  “Don't let them in, don't let them see!  Be the good girl you always have to be!”
 
TED:  “You freeze people?  You freakin’ freeze people?!”
 
CARLY:  “Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know.  Well, now they know!”
 
TED:  “But we vetted you!”

(While the crowd stands terrified, Carly dances about on stage)

CARLY:  “Let it go, let it go!  Can't hold it back anymore!  Let it go, let it go!  Turn away and slam the door—”
 
TED:  “—on my career?”

CARLY:  (singing to Ted) “I don't care what they're going to say!”
 
TED:  “I do!”
 
CARLY:  “Let the storm rage on!”
 
(Donald Trump at home, smiling)  “Oh, it will, baby…”
 
CARLY:  (creates an ice scepter in her hand) “The cold never bothered me anyway.”
 
TED:  “Almighty God, I beseech thee—”

(With a wide sweep, Carly waves her scepter over the audience.  They fall to their knees in biting cold, bowing in fear)

CARLY:  “It's funny how some distance makes everything seem small!  And the fears that once controlled me can't get to me at all!”

(Freezing rows of men, she makes them march before her, North Korean style)

CARLY:  “It's time to see what I can do, to test the limits and break through!  No right!  No wrong! No rules for me!  I'm free!”
 
TED:  “Aaaaaauuuuugh!”

(Her ice puppets are saluting to the rhythm)

CARLY:  “Let it go!  Let it go!  I am one with the wind and sky!  Let it go!  Let it go!  You'll never see me cry!”

(Ted is sobbing)

CARLY:  “Here I'll stand!  And here I'll stay!  Let the storm rage on!”

(Her ice puppets march on stage)

CARLY:  “My power flurries through the air into the ground!”  

(They dance around her as she spins in the middle)​

CARLY:  “My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around!  And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast…”
 
TED:  “Letting me choose someone else?”
 
CARLY:  “…I'm never going back!  The past is in the past!”

(As Carly sings, a perfect ice replica of the Lincoln Monument rises up around her)​

CARLY:  “Let it go!  Let it go!  And I'll rise like the break of dawn!  Let it go!  Let it go!  That perfect girl is gone!”
 
TED:  “Bring her back!”
 
CARLY:  “Here I stand in the light of day!”
 
TED:  “NO!  NOT THE LIGHT OF DAY!”
 
CARLY:  “Let the storm rage on!”
 
(Trump, at home)  “Oh, it will, baby…”

(Having waved Abe from his chair, Carly sits down, scepter in hand)

CARLY:  “The cold never bothered me anyway.”
 
Thus ended the strangest acceptance speech in history.  Personally, I liked it.