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A Very Presidential Debate   By Andy Peth

9/22/2016

2 Comments

 
Picture
MODERATOR:  “I’d like to welcome everyone to this, the First Presidential Debate of 2016.  Mrs. Clinton, we’ll begin with your opening statement.
​
CLINTON:  “Thank you, and thank you for inviting me here tonight—as if you had a choice, right?  Am I right?   My handlers want me to joke more!”  (then, stiffly)  “Ha!... Ha!...Ha!” 

(silence) 
“You know, unlike Republicans, I respect women, black people, Hispanics, gays, and every other helpless group needing me to survive!  I am their ‘Champion!’  I cherish them, just like I cherish…ummm…let’s see…puppies!  Yes, adorable puppies playing in the store window, wanting a home!  And I am that home!  Hello, little voters!  Your Champion is here to respect you!  Yes I am!  Good little voters!” 
(horrified silence) 
“Meanwhile, my ultra-rich opponent cares only for the wealthiest of the wealthy, who fill their lives with needless luxuries—”

TRUMP:  “Speaking of luxuries, I had the interior of my jet built exactly like the bridge of the Enterprise.  It is so cool.”

CLINTON:  “—using fellow Americans like pawns—”

TRUMP:  “I make everyone on board lurch side to side, simulating battle action.”

CLINTON:  “—satisfying their egos while humiliating others—”

TRUMP:  “My Spock wears a Trump wig to look smarter.”

CLINTON:  “—and thinking only of themselves.”

TRUMP:  “Is it my turn yet?  I have some great things to say about me.”

CLINTON:  “WILL YOU STOP THAT?!”

TRUMP:  “Stop what?”

MODERATOR:  “Mrs. Clinton, you criticize wealthy people, but surely the Clinton Foundation has grown so lucrative and powerful—”

CLINTON:  (purring) “I have a Foundation?” 
(A large picture comes on the screen) 
MODERATOR:  “Please Mrs. Clinton, isn’t this you chairing a meeting at the Clinton Foundation?”

CLINTON:  “What is a picture, really?”

MODERATOR:  “Mrs. Clinton—”

CLINTON:  “Of course it’s me!  I’m just joking again!  Ha!... Ha!...Ha!”

MODERATOR:  “Please don’t do that—”

TRUMP:  “When she laughs, she looks like a nutcracker doll.”

MODERATOR:  “Mrs. Clinton, can you at least explain the cat?”

CLINTON:  “The cat?”

MODERATOR:  “In the picture, you’re wearing sunglasses—indoors—while stroking a large, malevolent-looking white cat.”

CLINTON:  “Oh, that’s just Damien!  He’s not real, he’s mechanical!”

MODERATOR:  “Why would you have a—”

CLINTON:  “He sets the mood!  We are a Global Initiative, you know.   (reflexively, Clinton starts petting an imaginary cat)  Our tentacles—sorry, charities—extend everywhere!  But I can’t go near real cats.”

MODERATOR:  “Allergic?”

CLINTON:  “They seem to be!”

MODERATOR:  “No, not the—”

CLINTON:  “Every time I come within 20 feet, they start hissing and running in circles!”

MODERATOR:  “—Mrs. Clinton—”

CLINTON:  “—I guess that could be allergies—” 

MODERATOR:  “—we’re getting off track—”

CLINTON:  “—and if I get within 5 feet, they explode!”

TRUMP:  “I have that problem with Muslims.”

MODERATOR:  “Enough!  Mr. Trump, shush!  Mrs. Clinton, forget the cats!  Let’s discuss your medical records.  Can you provide evidence explaining your recent bout of fainting spells?” 

CLINTON:  “Spells?  I haven’t cast those for—”

MODERATOR:  “Fainting spells, Mrs. Clinton!  You collapsed and left the campaign trail!  Did you have pneumonia, Parkinson’s—”

TRUMP:  “—a rendezvous with the Dark Lord Satan—”

MODERATOR:  “—the flu, heat stroke—”

TRUMP:  “—or did that sniper fire finally kick in?”

CLINTON:  “What difference, at this point, does it make?  Ha!... Ha!—”

MODERATOR:  “—please don’t—”

TRUMP:  “It makes a big difference!  I paid good money for those snipers!”

CLINTON:   “Look, I had no rendezvouses—is that the plural?—with any Dark Lords that day!  I could show you if my calendar was intact—”

MODERATOR:  “—Mrs. Clinton—”

CLINTON:  “—but several years were somehow deleted—”

MODERATOR:  “—please stop—”

CLINTON:  “—since I keep my calendar in a bathroom closet in Colorado, like every other hard-working American mother!” 
(Clinton resumes petting the imaginary cat) 
MODERATOR:  “Look, I’m begging you—”

TRUMP:  “Is it my turn?  I have closets!”

MODERATOR:  “No!  Now Mrs. Clinton—”

CLINTON:  (speaking under her breath, to the imaginary cat) “One day, they’ll all understand!  I am their Champion!  I’ll be their First Woman President…Avenger!”

MODERATOR:  “We can all hear you, Mrs. Clinton.”

TRUMP:  “You know, I have the best closets!  They’re hyuuuuge!”

MODERATOR:  “That’s not important here, Mr.—”

TRUMP:  “—I rent one to Bill Clinton—”

MODERATOR:  “—Mr. Trump, please—”

TRUMP:  “—he calls it his Oval Closet—”

CLINTON:  “Hey!”

TRUMP:  “—I have no idea what he does in there—”

MODERATOR:  “—please stop—”

TRUMP:  “—but like I always say, what happens in Trump Closet, stays in Trump Closet!” 
(prolonged silence) 
TRUMP:  “Bill has friends.  My closets are booked for months.”

MODERATOR:  “Yes, thank you, Mr. Trump!  Now, allow me to ask Mrs. Clinton—”

CLINTON:  “I’ve answered enough questions!  You’ve been grilling me for 11 hours—”

MODERATOR:  “—it’s been three minutes—”

CLINTON:  “—and I’ve answered everything our terrified FBI Director won’t prosecute!”

MODERATOR:  “You haven’t answered any—”

TRUMP:  “You see?!  This is what I’ve been talking about!  What do you expect from Lyin’ Ted…or Jeb, or…who is my opponent now?”

CLINTON:  “I am!”

TRUMP:  “That’s right!  And whoever you are—wait, are you a woman?—whoever you are, you’re a liar!”

MODERATOR:  “Mr. Trump, please refrain from—”

CLINTON:  “Me?  A liar?  No witness has lived to confirm that!”

MODERATOR:  “Mrs. Clinton, please—”

TRUMP:  “It’s true!  No witness will confirm my opponent is a woman!”

CLINTON:  “Hey!”

TRUMP:  “I mean, it’d take a helluva investigation to figure out—”

MODERATOR:  “Mr. Trump, is there a point to all this?”

TRUMP:  “There is absolutely a point to all this!  An amazing point!  I’m the guy who gets things done!  I see a mess, and I fix it!  I’m hiring a whole fleet of janitors wearing hazmat suits with the best disinfectants…to make my closets clean again!”

MODERATOR:  “STOP IT!  JUST STOP IT!”

CLINTON:  “He said ‘janitors!’  That’s covert racism!  He’s insulting my puppies!”

MODERATOR:  “WILL YOU PLEASE STOP?!  WE MUST GET TO THE ISSUES!”

TRUMP AND CLINTON:  “The what?” 
(more silence) 
MODERATOR:  “Mr. Trump, if you build a wall along our southern border, doesn’t that send a negative message to the people of Mexico?”

TRUMP:  “Not at all!  Remember, there’s going to be a big door in the middle of that wall!  Fittingly, I call this door, ‘New Mexico.’”

MODERATOR:  “Then won’t New Mexico just be a gateway to—”

TRUMP:  “I’ve thought of that!  You see, I’m also building a wall around New Mexico—”

MODERATOR:  “—but—”

TRUMP:  “—it will be done humanely—”

MODERATOR:  “—but—”

TRUMP:  “—and New Mexico will pay for it—”

MODERATOR:  “—but—”

TRUMP:  “—it will be one big, happy reservation—”

MODERATOR:  “—hey now—”

TRUMP:  “—Susanna Martinez…doing a terrible job…gotta stop it from spreading—”

MODERATOR:  “Mr. Trump, regarding your feud with Governor Martinez:  Before she criticized you, were you even aware of her work?”

TRUMP:  “No.”

MODERATOR:  “Had you ever heard of Governor Martinez?”

TRUMP:  “Who?”

MODERATOR:  “Had you even heard of New Mexico?”

TRUMP:  “Had anyone?”

CLINTON:  “You see?!  You see?!  It’s because she’s Hispanic!  This is how my opponent treats people who don’t look like him!”

TRUMP:  “Well, that’s a big group lady, because…(looks directly into camera)…no one looks like me.” 

MODERATOR:  “Mrs. Clinton, you’ve often called Mr. Trump’s views racist, but what are your proposals on borders and immigration?”

CLINTON:  “Oh, that’s simple!  Blanket amnesty for everyone without documentation, full funding for sanctuary cities, no E-Verify for employment, full government benefits, and of course, voting rights!” 

MODERATOR:  “But Mrs. Clinton, don’t you have any intention of enforcing immigration law?”

CLINTON:  “If I began caring about laws, wouldn’t it be racist to start with this one?”

MODERATOR:  “But voting rights?”

CLINTON:  “It’s the only way to be fair!  I mean, it’s not like they’re all going to vote Democrat, right?” 
(Clinton winks at the Moderator—a long, slow, deliberate wink) 
TRUMP:  “Gahhh!  It’s like she’s folding her face!”

CLINTON:  “And besides, I support voting rights for felons—“

MODERATOR:  “—yeah, about that—”

CLINTON:  “—so what kind of person would I be if I treated violent criminals better than those whose only crime—”

MODERATOR:  “—Mrs. Clinton—”

CLINTON:  “—is not looking like Donald Trump?”

MODERATOR:  “—but—”

CLINTON:  “What kind of mother would I be?”

MODERATOR:  “—but—”

CLINTON:  “I’ll tell you what kind!  A bad one!  I would be ONE BAD MOTHER!” 
(the auditorium falls silent for ten seconds) 
CLINTON:  “Ha!...Ha!...Ha!”  (she resumes petting the imaginary cat)  “Yes Damien…it’s all coming together quite nicely…” 
(The Moderator turns to ask Trump a new question, but the GOP candidate has lost interest.  Trump is lurching side to side, simulating battle action) 
TRUMP:  “Scotty!  I need more power to the shields!  I need photon torpedoes!  It’s the least you can do, after you stupid Scots opposed Brexit!”

MODERATOR:  “Mr. Trump—”

TRUMP:  “Evasive maneuvers, Sulu!  Like when your country manipulates currency!”

MODERATOR:  “What?”

TRUMP:  “Mr. Chekov, TEAR DOWN THIS—”

MODERATOR:  “Stop it!  There is no battle!  There is no cat!  I think Sulu was Japanese!  Aaauuugh!”

TRUMP:  “You know, you shouldn’t stereotype.”

MODERATOR:  “Aaauuugh!” 
(Shaken and defeated, the Moderator curls up in a fetal position and quietly weeps.  The debate is over.  After a few minutes, he feels a hand on his shoulder and hears a familiar voice) 
CLINTON:  “Awwww…does someone need a champion?” 
2 Comments
Denise
9/22/2016 08:46:06 pm

(Silence, then a slow, face folding wink.)

Reply
Kathy Jagger
9/24/2016 05:31:12 am

Oh, Andy! I'm thinking you've come close to the truth of how it'll go. Such a fun read.

Reply



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