MODERATOR: “I’d like to welcome everyone to this, the First Presidential Debate of 2016. Mrs. Clinton, we’ll begin with your opening statement.
CLINTON: “Thank you, and thank you for inviting me here tonight—as if you had a choice, right? Am I right? My handlers want me to joke more!” (then, stiffly) “Ha!... Ha!...Ha!”
CLINTON: “Thank you, and thank you for inviting me here tonight—as if you had a choice, right? Am I right? My handlers want me to joke more!” (then, stiffly) “Ha!... Ha!...Ha!”
(silence)
“You know, unlike Republicans, I respect women, black people, Hispanics, gays, and every other helpless group needing me to survive! I am their ‘Champion!’ I cherish them, just like I cherish…ummm…let’s see…puppies! Yes, adorable puppies playing in the store window, wanting a home! And I am that home! Hello, little voters! Your Champion is here to respect you! Yes I am! Good little voters!”
(horrified silence)
“Meanwhile, my ultra-rich opponent cares only for the wealthiest of the wealthy, who fill their lives with needless luxuries—”
TRUMP: “Speaking of luxuries, I had the interior of my jet built exactly like the bridge of the Enterprise. It is so cool.”
CLINTON: “—using fellow Americans like pawns—”
TRUMP: “I make everyone on board lurch side to side, simulating battle action.”
CLINTON: “—satisfying their egos while humiliating others—”
TRUMP: “My Spock wears a Trump wig to look smarter.”
CLINTON: “—and thinking only of themselves.”
TRUMP: “Is it my turn yet? I have some great things to say about me.”
CLINTON: “WILL YOU STOP THAT?!”
TRUMP: “Stop what?”
MODERATOR: “Mrs. Clinton, you criticize wealthy people, but surely the Clinton Foundation has grown so lucrative and powerful—”
CLINTON: (purring) “I have a Foundation?”
TRUMP: “Speaking of luxuries, I had the interior of my jet built exactly like the bridge of the Enterprise. It is so cool.”
CLINTON: “—using fellow Americans like pawns—”
TRUMP: “I make everyone on board lurch side to side, simulating battle action.”
CLINTON: “—satisfying their egos while humiliating others—”
TRUMP: “My Spock wears a Trump wig to look smarter.”
CLINTON: “—and thinking only of themselves.”
TRUMP: “Is it my turn yet? I have some great things to say about me.”
CLINTON: “WILL YOU STOP THAT?!”
TRUMP: “Stop what?”
MODERATOR: “Mrs. Clinton, you criticize wealthy people, but surely the Clinton Foundation has grown so lucrative and powerful—”
CLINTON: (purring) “I have a Foundation?”
(A large picture comes on the screen)
MODERATOR: “Please Mrs. Clinton, isn’t this you chairing a meeting at the Clinton Foundation?”
CLINTON: “What is a picture, really?”
MODERATOR: “Mrs. Clinton—”
CLINTON: “Of course it’s me! I’m just joking again! Ha!... Ha!...Ha!”
MODERATOR: “Please don’t do that—”
TRUMP: “When she laughs, she looks like a nutcracker doll.”
MODERATOR: “Mrs. Clinton, can you at least explain the cat?”
CLINTON: “The cat?”
MODERATOR: “In the picture, you’re wearing sunglasses—indoors—while stroking a large, malevolent-looking white cat.”
CLINTON: “Oh, that’s just Damien! He’s not real, he’s mechanical!”
MODERATOR: “Why would you have a—”
CLINTON: “He sets the mood! We are a Global Initiative, you know. (reflexively, Clinton starts petting an imaginary cat) Our tentacles—sorry, charities—extend everywhere! But I can’t go near real cats.”
MODERATOR: “Allergic?”
CLINTON: “They seem to be!”
MODERATOR: “No, not the—”
CLINTON: “Every time I come within 20 feet, they start hissing and running in circles!”
MODERATOR: “—Mrs. Clinton—”
CLINTON: “—I guess that could be allergies—”
MODERATOR: “—we’re getting off track—”
CLINTON: “—and if I get within 5 feet, they explode!”
TRUMP: “I have that problem with Muslims.”
MODERATOR: “Enough! Mr. Trump, shush! Mrs. Clinton, forget the cats! Let’s discuss your medical records. Can you provide evidence explaining your recent bout of fainting spells?”
CLINTON: “Spells? I haven’t cast those for—”
MODERATOR: “Fainting spells, Mrs. Clinton! You collapsed and left the campaign trail! Did you have pneumonia, Parkinson’s—”
TRUMP: “—a rendezvous with the Dark Lord Satan—”
MODERATOR: “—the flu, heat stroke—”
TRUMP: “—or did that sniper fire finally kick in?”
CLINTON: “What difference, at this point, does it make? Ha!... Ha!—”
MODERATOR: “—please don’t—”
TRUMP: “It makes a big difference! I paid good money for those snipers!”
CLINTON: “Look, I had no rendezvouses—is that the plural?—with any Dark Lords that day! I could show you if my calendar was intact—”
MODERATOR: “—Mrs. Clinton—”
CLINTON: “—but several years were somehow deleted—”
MODERATOR: “—please stop—”
CLINTON: “—since I keep my calendar in a bathroom closet in Colorado, like every other hard-working American mother!”
CLINTON: “What is a picture, really?”
MODERATOR: “Mrs. Clinton—”
CLINTON: “Of course it’s me! I’m just joking again! Ha!... Ha!...Ha!”
MODERATOR: “Please don’t do that—”
TRUMP: “When she laughs, she looks like a nutcracker doll.”
MODERATOR: “Mrs. Clinton, can you at least explain the cat?”
CLINTON: “The cat?”
MODERATOR: “In the picture, you’re wearing sunglasses—indoors—while stroking a large, malevolent-looking white cat.”
CLINTON: “Oh, that’s just Damien! He’s not real, he’s mechanical!”
MODERATOR: “Why would you have a—”
CLINTON: “He sets the mood! We are a Global Initiative, you know. (reflexively, Clinton starts petting an imaginary cat) Our tentacles—sorry, charities—extend everywhere! But I can’t go near real cats.”
MODERATOR: “Allergic?”
CLINTON: “They seem to be!”
MODERATOR: “No, not the—”
CLINTON: “Every time I come within 20 feet, they start hissing and running in circles!”
MODERATOR: “—Mrs. Clinton—”
CLINTON: “—I guess that could be allergies—”
MODERATOR: “—we’re getting off track—”
CLINTON: “—and if I get within 5 feet, they explode!”
TRUMP: “I have that problem with Muslims.”
MODERATOR: “Enough! Mr. Trump, shush! Mrs. Clinton, forget the cats! Let’s discuss your medical records. Can you provide evidence explaining your recent bout of fainting spells?”
CLINTON: “Spells? I haven’t cast those for—”
MODERATOR: “Fainting spells, Mrs. Clinton! You collapsed and left the campaign trail! Did you have pneumonia, Parkinson’s—”
TRUMP: “—a rendezvous with the Dark Lord Satan—”
MODERATOR: “—the flu, heat stroke—”
TRUMP: “—or did that sniper fire finally kick in?”
CLINTON: “What difference, at this point, does it make? Ha!... Ha!—”
MODERATOR: “—please don’t—”
TRUMP: “It makes a big difference! I paid good money for those snipers!”
CLINTON: “Look, I had no rendezvouses—is that the plural?—with any Dark Lords that day! I could show you if my calendar was intact—”
MODERATOR: “—Mrs. Clinton—”
CLINTON: “—but several years were somehow deleted—”
MODERATOR: “—please stop—”
CLINTON: “—since I keep my calendar in a bathroom closet in Colorado, like every other hard-working American mother!”
(Clinton resumes petting the imaginary cat)
MODERATOR: “Look, I’m begging you—”
TRUMP: “Is it my turn? I have closets!”
MODERATOR: “No! Now Mrs. Clinton—”
CLINTON: (speaking under her breath, to the imaginary cat) “One day, they’ll all understand! I am their Champion! I’ll be their First Woman President…Avenger!”
MODERATOR: “We can all hear you, Mrs. Clinton.”
TRUMP: “You know, I have the best closets! They’re hyuuuuge!”
MODERATOR: “That’s not important here, Mr.—”
TRUMP: “—I rent one to Bill Clinton—”
MODERATOR: “—Mr. Trump, please—”
TRUMP: “—he calls it his Oval Closet—”
CLINTON: “Hey!”
TRUMP: “—I have no idea what he does in there—”
MODERATOR: “—please stop—”
TRUMP: “—but like I always say, what happens in Trump Closet, stays in Trump Closet!”
TRUMP: “Is it my turn? I have closets!”
MODERATOR: “No! Now Mrs. Clinton—”
CLINTON: (speaking under her breath, to the imaginary cat) “One day, they’ll all understand! I am their Champion! I’ll be their First Woman President…Avenger!”
MODERATOR: “We can all hear you, Mrs. Clinton.”
TRUMP: “You know, I have the best closets! They’re hyuuuuge!”
MODERATOR: “That’s not important here, Mr.—”
TRUMP: “—I rent one to Bill Clinton—”
MODERATOR: “—Mr. Trump, please—”
TRUMP: “—he calls it his Oval Closet—”
CLINTON: “Hey!”
TRUMP: “—I have no idea what he does in there—”
MODERATOR: “—please stop—”
TRUMP: “—but like I always say, what happens in Trump Closet, stays in Trump Closet!”
(prolonged silence)
TRUMP: “Bill has friends. My closets are booked for months.”
MODERATOR: “Yes, thank you, Mr. Trump! Now, allow me to ask Mrs. Clinton—”
CLINTON: “I’ve answered enough questions! You’ve been grilling me for 11 hours—”
MODERATOR: “—it’s been three minutes—”
CLINTON: “—and I’ve answered everything our terrified FBI Director won’t prosecute!”
MODERATOR: “You haven’t answered any—”
TRUMP: “You see?! This is what I’ve been talking about! What do you expect from Lyin’ Ted…or Jeb, or…who is my opponent now?”
CLINTON: “I am!”
TRUMP: “That’s right! And whoever you are—wait, are you a woman?—whoever you are, you’re a liar!”
MODERATOR: “Mr. Trump, please refrain from—”
CLINTON: “Me? A liar? No witness has lived to confirm that!”
MODERATOR: “Mrs. Clinton, please—”
TRUMP: “It’s true! No witness will confirm my opponent is a woman!”
CLINTON: “Hey!”
TRUMP: “I mean, it’d take a helluva investigation to figure out—”
MODERATOR: “Mr. Trump, is there a point to all this?”
TRUMP: “There is absolutely a point to all this! An amazing point! I’m the guy who gets things done! I see a mess, and I fix it! I’m hiring a whole fleet of janitors wearing hazmat suits with the best disinfectants…to make my closets clean again!”
MODERATOR: “STOP IT! JUST STOP IT!”
CLINTON: “He said ‘janitors!’ That’s covert racism! He’s insulting my puppies!”
MODERATOR: “WILL YOU PLEASE STOP?! WE MUST GET TO THE ISSUES!”
TRUMP AND CLINTON: “The what?”
MODERATOR: “Yes, thank you, Mr. Trump! Now, allow me to ask Mrs. Clinton—”
CLINTON: “I’ve answered enough questions! You’ve been grilling me for 11 hours—”
MODERATOR: “—it’s been three minutes—”
CLINTON: “—and I’ve answered everything our terrified FBI Director won’t prosecute!”
MODERATOR: “You haven’t answered any—”
TRUMP: “You see?! This is what I’ve been talking about! What do you expect from Lyin’ Ted…or Jeb, or…who is my opponent now?”
CLINTON: “I am!”
TRUMP: “That’s right! And whoever you are—wait, are you a woman?—whoever you are, you’re a liar!”
MODERATOR: “Mr. Trump, please refrain from—”
CLINTON: “Me? A liar? No witness has lived to confirm that!”
MODERATOR: “Mrs. Clinton, please—”
TRUMP: “It’s true! No witness will confirm my opponent is a woman!”
CLINTON: “Hey!”
TRUMP: “I mean, it’d take a helluva investigation to figure out—”
MODERATOR: “Mr. Trump, is there a point to all this?”
TRUMP: “There is absolutely a point to all this! An amazing point! I’m the guy who gets things done! I see a mess, and I fix it! I’m hiring a whole fleet of janitors wearing hazmat suits with the best disinfectants…to make my closets clean again!”
MODERATOR: “STOP IT! JUST STOP IT!”
CLINTON: “He said ‘janitors!’ That’s covert racism! He’s insulting my puppies!”
MODERATOR: “WILL YOU PLEASE STOP?! WE MUST GET TO THE ISSUES!”
TRUMP AND CLINTON: “The what?”
(more silence)
MODERATOR: “Mr. Trump, if you build a wall along our southern border, doesn’t that send a negative message to the people of Mexico?”
TRUMP: “Not at all! Remember, there’s going to be a big door in the middle of that wall! Fittingly, I call this door, ‘New Mexico.’”
MODERATOR: “Then won’t New Mexico just be a gateway to—”
TRUMP: “I’ve thought of that! You see, I’m also building a wall around New Mexico—”
MODERATOR: “—but—”
TRUMP: “—it will be done humanely—”
MODERATOR: “—but—”
TRUMP: “—and New Mexico will pay for it—”
MODERATOR: “—but—”
TRUMP: “—it will be one big, happy reservation—”
MODERATOR: “—hey now—”
TRUMP: “—Susanna Martinez…doing a terrible job…gotta stop it from spreading—”
MODERATOR: “Mr. Trump, regarding your feud with Governor Martinez: Before she criticized you, were you even aware of her work?”
TRUMP: “No.”
MODERATOR: “Had you ever heard of Governor Martinez?”
TRUMP: “Who?”
MODERATOR: “Had you even heard of New Mexico?”
TRUMP: “Had anyone?”
CLINTON: “You see?! You see?! It’s because she’s Hispanic! This is how my opponent treats people who don’t look like him!”
TRUMP: “Well, that’s a big group lady, because…(looks directly into camera)…no one looks like me.”
MODERATOR: “Mrs. Clinton, you’ve often called Mr. Trump’s views racist, but what are your proposals on borders and immigration?”
CLINTON: “Oh, that’s simple! Blanket amnesty for everyone without documentation, full funding for sanctuary cities, no E-Verify for employment, full government benefits, and of course, voting rights!”
MODERATOR: “But Mrs. Clinton, don’t you have any intention of enforcing immigration law?”
CLINTON: “If I began caring about laws, wouldn’t it be racist to start with this one?”
MODERATOR: “But voting rights?”
CLINTON: “It’s the only way to be fair! I mean, it’s not like they’re all going to vote Democrat, right?”
TRUMP: “Not at all! Remember, there’s going to be a big door in the middle of that wall! Fittingly, I call this door, ‘New Mexico.’”
MODERATOR: “Then won’t New Mexico just be a gateway to—”
TRUMP: “I’ve thought of that! You see, I’m also building a wall around New Mexico—”
MODERATOR: “—but—”
TRUMP: “—it will be done humanely—”
MODERATOR: “—but—”
TRUMP: “—and New Mexico will pay for it—”
MODERATOR: “—but—”
TRUMP: “—it will be one big, happy reservation—”
MODERATOR: “—hey now—”
TRUMP: “—Susanna Martinez…doing a terrible job…gotta stop it from spreading—”
MODERATOR: “Mr. Trump, regarding your feud with Governor Martinez: Before she criticized you, were you even aware of her work?”
TRUMP: “No.”
MODERATOR: “Had you ever heard of Governor Martinez?”
TRUMP: “Who?”
MODERATOR: “Had you even heard of New Mexico?”
TRUMP: “Had anyone?”
CLINTON: “You see?! You see?! It’s because she’s Hispanic! This is how my opponent treats people who don’t look like him!”
TRUMP: “Well, that’s a big group lady, because…(looks directly into camera)…no one looks like me.”
MODERATOR: “Mrs. Clinton, you’ve often called Mr. Trump’s views racist, but what are your proposals on borders and immigration?”
CLINTON: “Oh, that’s simple! Blanket amnesty for everyone without documentation, full funding for sanctuary cities, no E-Verify for employment, full government benefits, and of course, voting rights!”
MODERATOR: “But Mrs. Clinton, don’t you have any intention of enforcing immigration law?”
CLINTON: “If I began caring about laws, wouldn’t it be racist to start with this one?”
MODERATOR: “But voting rights?”
CLINTON: “It’s the only way to be fair! I mean, it’s not like they’re all going to vote Democrat, right?”
(Clinton winks at the Moderator—a long, slow, deliberate wink)
TRUMP: “Gahhh! It’s like she’s folding her face!”
CLINTON: “And besides, I support voting rights for felons—“
MODERATOR: “—yeah, about that—”
CLINTON: “—so what kind of person would I be if I treated violent criminals better than those whose only crime—”
MODERATOR: “—Mrs. Clinton—”
CLINTON: “—is not looking like Donald Trump?”
MODERATOR: “—but—”
CLINTON: “What kind of mother would I be?”
MODERATOR: “—but—”
CLINTON: “I’ll tell you what kind! A bad one! I would be ONE BAD MOTHER!”
CLINTON: “And besides, I support voting rights for felons—“
MODERATOR: “—yeah, about that—”
CLINTON: “—so what kind of person would I be if I treated violent criminals better than those whose only crime—”
MODERATOR: “—Mrs. Clinton—”
CLINTON: “—is not looking like Donald Trump?”
MODERATOR: “—but—”
CLINTON: “What kind of mother would I be?”
MODERATOR: “—but—”
CLINTON: “I’ll tell you what kind! A bad one! I would be ONE BAD MOTHER!”
(the auditorium falls silent for ten seconds)
CLINTON: “Ha!...Ha!...Ha!” (she resumes petting the imaginary cat) “Yes Damien…it’s all coming together quite nicely…”
(The Moderator turns to ask Trump a new question, but the GOP candidate has lost interest. Trump is lurching side to side, simulating battle action)
TRUMP: “Scotty! I need more power to the shields! I need photon torpedoes! It’s the least you can do, after you stupid Scots opposed Brexit!”
MODERATOR: “Mr. Trump—”
TRUMP: “Evasive maneuvers, Sulu! Like when your country manipulates currency!”
MODERATOR: “What?”
TRUMP: “Mr. Chekov, TEAR DOWN THIS—”
MODERATOR: “Stop it! There is no battle! There is no cat! I think Sulu was Japanese! Aaauuugh!”
TRUMP: “You know, you shouldn’t stereotype.”
MODERATOR: “Aaauuugh!”
MODERATOR: “Mr. Trump—”
TRUMP: “Evasive maneuvers, Sulu! Like when your country manipulates currency!”
MODERATOR: “What?”
TRUMP: “Mr. Chekov, TEAR DOWN THIS—”
MODERATOR: “Stop it! There is no battle! There is no cat! I think Sulu was Japanese! Aaauuugh!”
TRUMP: “You know, you shouldn’t stereotype.”
MODERATOR: “Aaauuugh!”
(Shaken and defeated, the Moderator curls up in a fetal position and quietly weeps. The debate is over. After a few minutes, he feels a hand on his shoulder and hears a familiar voice)
CLINTON: “Awwww…does someone need a champion?”
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