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CHOICE Movie Reviews:  The Last Witch Hunter   by Andy Peth

10/24/2015

1 Comment

 
Picture
First, my score guide:

Quality:  This score indicates entertainment value.  
0 stars is horrible, while 5 stars is spectacular.

Political:  This score addresses political messaging.  
0 stars is aggressively anti-Conservative, while 5 stars is highly pro-Conservative.  3 stars is apolitical.

Moral/Religious (M/R):  This score addresses moral and religious messaging.  
0 stars is either intensely immoral or all-out, needless assault on Christianity.  5 stars is either great moral messaging or highly pro-Christian.  3 stars is inoffensive either way.

The Last Witch Hunter
Quality – 2 stars, Political – 3 stars, M/R – 1.5 stars
Halloween approaches!  It’s a magical time, when evil roams the land, and ordinary women can legally wear as much black as Megyn Kelly.  Per usual, Hollywood unleashes horror films of all kinds, from slashers to ghosts to zombies.  The first monster this year?
 
Witches!
 
And these aren’t just any witches.  No, no!  Employing impressive CGI, these covens wield a dazzling array of visual horrors.  They blow crystalline fire.  They insta-grow tree branches and roots over victims.  Obeying their commands, swarms of flies move in spectacular patterns.  And naturally, this all occurs in darkness and shadows.
 
But herein lies a problem, for much of the action transpires against drab, dismal backgrounds.  It’s all just a bit too…dark.  And this muddles the action.  And characters.  And story.  I felt like I was dreaming about watching my latest nightmare while drunk.
 
Vin Diesel plays Kaulder, an ageless witch hunter who has spent the past 8 centuries bringing down these ultra-baddies.  Cool as always, Vin’s up to the task—and he’s got help.  Assisting his enduring quest is a Catholic Priest with the designation, “Dolan.”  Michael Caine plays Dolan 36, Kaulder’s longtime friend who is finally retiring, while “Don’t-call-me-Frodo” Elijah Wood plays the youthful Dolan 37.  Apparently, Kaulder needs a priest at his side.
 
(If this sounds like a “Van Helsing” ripoff, that’s only because it’s a “Van Helsing” ripoff)
 
Cursed by the Witch Queen at her death centuries ago, Kaulder must forever live “without really living”—a concept we grow to understand the longer we watch this film. 
 
The Witch Queen is a muddy mess of a villain.  Though other witches are shown freely altering their appearance, this all-powerful vixen (actress/model Julie Engelbrecht) can’t, for some reason.  It’s crazy.  Hiding beyond public view, she skulks about with skin peeling, drooping from her face and arms.  She looks like a snake in mid-shed—or Madonna standing too close to a heat lamp.  At any rate, she’s just too icky and goopy to really, you know, despise.  I half wanted to start a GoFundMe account for her condition.
 
Rounding out the cast is Chloe (Rose Leslie); Hollywood’s latest obligatory example of a well-meaning witch.  Chloe’s cute and visionary, but why can’t movies just let witches be bad anymore?  I don’t recall seeing thoughtful, misunderstood sharks in “Jaws,” and the absence of jolly old Orcs in “Lord of the Rings” provided a reassuring consistency.  But witches?  We always need some good ones.  It’s like a Wiccan somewhere has little dolls of every Hollywood producer, hovering over a flame.
 
Gotta get me one of those.
 
Anyway, “The Last Witch Hunter” has plenty of action, special effects, and dark, oogity-boogity chills for this holiday season—but without the heart (which is ironic, as it contains an actual beating heart).  It’s just too difficult to embrace the characters, or care what happens to them.
 
My advice?  Rent “Van Helsing,” or a true Vin Diesel masterpiece, “Pitch Black.”  Guys, dress like Count Dracula.  Girls, dress like Megyn Kelly.  Halloween comes but once a year, so you might as well enjoy it.

1 Comment

Bridge of Spies   by Andy Peth

10/17/2015

0 Comments

 
Picture
First, my score guide:

Quality:  This score indicates entertainment value.  
0 stars is horrible, while 5 stars is spectacular.

Political:  This score addresses political messaging.  
0 stars is aggressively anti-Conservative, while 5 stars is highly pro-Conservative.  3 stars is apolitical.

Moral/Religious (M/R):  This score addresses moral and religious messaging.  
0 stars is either intensely immoral or all-out, needless assault on Christianity.  5 stars is either great moral messaging or highly pro-Christian.  3 stars is inoffensive either way.

Bridge of Spies
Quality – 2 stars, Political – 1 star, M/R – 4 stars
A lost opportunity…to the nth degree.  This sums up Steven Spielberg’s “Bridge of Spies.”
 
Depicting insurance lawyer James Donovan (nicely played with low-key distinction by Tom Hanks), Spielberg stylishly recreates the Cold War 1950’s, wherein Donovan defends a Soviet spy and negotiates his trade for a captured American pilot.  
 
The spy was Rudolph Abel (Mark Rylance in a superb performance).  In real life, Abel was a deeply committed enemy of America, assisting one of history’s most murderous regimes—but you’d never know it from this film.  Spielberg’s Abel is a sympathetic character—a good guy of all good guys.  And Americans who despised him?  Why, they were all close-minded lunatics.
 
Lest you feel I demand flag-waving patriotism, my real concern (beyond the terribly slow pace) was Spielberg’s lost opportunity.  Had he attempted some level of even-handedness, we’d have enjoyed thoughtful treatment of a complex issue; that of balancing American liberties against foreign threats.  Alas, “Bridge of Spies” is the opposite of “Dead Man Walking,” the terrific 1995 film on capital punishment.  Like a newscast showing only one side, Spielberg’s latest effort leaves us wanting more; more real debate, more ideological tension, more thoughtful conversations afterward.
 
More reason to look at the screen, not one’s watch.
 
On one side, Donavan gives a rousing statement in favor of the 4th Amendment, as Abel is shown searched without rights and railroaded by a biased judge.  Hanks’s delivery of this speech might well be the movie’s finest moment.  Unfortunately, no counterpoint is offered—leaving a boring, painfully predictable storyline.
 
One wonders what might have been, had Spielberg shown another side.  What if we learned the real threats posed by Russian spying, or the disadvantage created by following strict rules when your opponent does not?  Facing these issues with today’s terror conflict, Americans would be glued to the screen, wondering how we maintain personal liberty while protecting against its enemies. 
 
Instead, Spielberg opts for a Hollywood sermon, portraying Communist spies as cuddly old men who liked to paint, and the Cold War as a time of baseless paranoia.  One would think no real threat existed—seriously.
 
Performances beyond the two main characters are solid, but unspectacular.  Donovan’s wife is supportive yet concerned, his boss and the judge are simplistic anti-Russian antagonists, the pilot (along with an imprisoned economic student thrown into the trade) is a scared kid, the CIA agent assigned to Donovan is an uncaring zealot—like the story itself, none exhibit any depth or struggle with conscience. 
 
Thankfully, there are some humorous moments, and Donovan’s deal-making provides occasional interest.  Though you still know how it all plays out, his bluffs and strategies create some doubt as to how.
 
So I was less bored.  Not a lot less, but less.  After 2½ hours in that theatre seat, I saw the whole experience as…what else?...a lost opportunity.

0 Comments

CHOICE Movie Reviews:  Pan   by Andy Peth

10/9/2015

1 Comment

 
Picture
First, my score guide:

Quality:  This score indicates entertainment value.  
0 stars is horrible, while 5 stars is spectacular.

Political:  This score addresses political messaging.  
0 stars is aggressively anti-Conservative, while 5 stars is highly pro-Conservative.  3 stars is apolitical.

Moral/Religious (M/R):  This score addresses moral and religious messaging.  
0 stars is either intensely immoral or all-out, needless assault on Christianity.  5 stars is either great moral messaging or highly pro-Christian.  3 stars is inoffensive either way.


Pan
Quality – 1 star, Political – 3 stars, M/R – 1.5 star
Until now, Robin Williams’ “Hook” stood alone as history’s worst Peter Pan movie.  Robin, I wish you’d lived to see “Pan.”  It would have brought you comfort.
 
Levi Miller plays Peter—a 12-year-old boy of destiny, left on the doorsteps of a WWII-era orphanage.  Such a dreary place.  Oddly blending “Oliver Twist” with “The Blues Brothers,” this hellhole is run by ridiculously wicked nuns who sell kids to pirates.  Why nuns?  Don’t ask me.  Apparently, the writer has some axe to grind with Catholics, and we’ve paid to watch it.  Perhaps the sequel will depict Mother Theresa running an India-based network of identity thieves. 
 
Forever haunting Hugh Jackson will be his role as Blackbeard, the more-sadist-than-pirate leader of a mining slave camp.  Hugh, I know someone other than Johnny Depp had to play one of these roles, but why you?  Anyway, Blackbeard keeps stealing kids to work the mines on his hidden island, though he dreads a prophecy regarding a child who will one day start flying and lead a rebellion against him.  Huh.  In biblical times, such prophecies were cause for killing kids off, but this guy imports them.  Ummm…Hugh, is it really too late to call Johnny Depp? 
 
Confusing?  That’s nothing compared to the action scenes, which appear drawn from a Picasso…that’s spinning.  Everything is sideways, upside-down, computer-generated, crystalline or foggy—like being in Miley Cyrus’s brain the morning after her latest “I’m not Hanna!” party.  It’s awful.  Lining the theatre aisles were dizzy patrons, crawling toward exits, convulsing as stray popcorn stuck to their sweating faces.  Some kid was selling Dramamine.  I paid $300 for one hit.  Totally worth it.
 
Garrett Hedlund plays James Hook—soon to be Captain Hook—who at this stage is a good guy.  Thus, we must endure a second film to see him turn to the Dark Side.  I’ll pass.  Dressed like Indiana Jones, Hook is the much overused “Not interested in being a hero”—hero.  Yeesh.  Formulaic to the core, this reluctant hunk comes through when we need him most—the big lug!
 
Assisting Hook is Mr. Smee (Adeel Akhtar), a comedic character who isn’t remotely funny; like today’s Whoopi Goldberg. 
 
Peter and Hook are captured by a painted tribe which dances about in similar fashion to those cuddly Ewoks from Star Wars’ Forest Moon of Endor.  No one says why this tribe is celebrating or dancing about; they’re just a thinly sketched group of morons.  Their warrior princess, Tiger Lily (ably played by Rooney Mara) fights with the skill of Marvel’s Black Widow.  Honestly, I don’t know why Peter Pan is needed, since Tiger Lily pummels Blackbeard just fine on her own. 
 
But hey, Hook needs a love interest, and his romance with Lily carries all the chemistry of an “It’s Just Lunch” pairing.  He's a dashing rogue.  She's a lovely spitfire.  Together, they're an ultra-predictable cliché.  In our wrath-filled auditorium, even teen girls gagged at this pairing.
 
The mermaids are electric…like eels.  No, seriously.  This makes zero sense, except that every new film with mermaids seems driven to change them.  The next attempt will probably make them puff up like blowfish, complete with spikes.  If they can grow legs, they’ll each get four, retaining tails as they first slither onto land (this approach might have hurt Ariel’s chances with the Prince).  Well, at least the next batch won’t be electric.  That’s taken.
 
The fairies are so tiny, they display neither expressions nor compassion.  But there are millions of them!  Echoing The Ten Commandments, Peter unleashes these little shimmering hoards upon hapless Egyptians—er, pirates—like swarms of locusts.  Simultaneously horrifying and sparkly (words I’ve never before combined), the fairies overrun defenseless prey, plunging men to the depths below…or above...or staggering into theatre aisles…wait, that was me.  Honestly, I don’t know what became of the screaming villains…wait, the screaming was me too.
 
I’m lost.  I’m just lost.  Please make the film stop spinning.  Now the Dramamine kid is selling maps to the exit.  $200 a pop. 
 
Totally worth it.
1 Comment

    CHOICE Movie Reviews

    Our Conservative movie reviews provide Quality, Political, and Moral/Religious scores, complete with Andy's commentary.

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