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CHOICE Movie Reviews:  San Andreas   by Andy Peth

5/29/2015

1 Comment

 
Picture
First, my score guide:

Quality:  This score indicates entertainment value.  
0 stars is horrible, while 5 stars is spectacular.

Political:  This score addresses political messaging.  
0 stars is aggressively anti-Conservative, while 5 stars is highly pro-Conservative.  3 stars is apolitical.

Moral/Religious (M/R):  This score addresses moral and religious messaging.  
0 stars is either intensely immoral or all-out, needless assault on Christianity.  5 stars is either great moral messaging or highly pro-Christian.  3 stars is inoffensive either way.

San Andreas
Quality – 2 stars, Political – 4 stars, M/R – 2.5 stars
There are reasons to like “San Andreas.”  Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson is flat-out cool.  California is destroyed, and no one blames fracking.  And coming on the heels of Disney’s enviro-sermon, “Tomorrowland,” I was able to imagine that entire set crashing beneath rubble and girders.

Yep.  Good times.

Starring as Rescue Chief Ray Gaines, The Rock puts in his usual likable performance, complete with incredible acts of strength, valor, and occasional sensitivity.   He’s a dedicated ex-soldier.  He’s going through a divorce that’s tearing him apart.  He’s a great dad.  At least 27 times, my wife felt inspired to lean over and whisper, “You totally suck.”  

Didn’t matter.  I was still picturing that burning, screaming “Tomorrowland” set.  Oh the humanity!  Oh the senseless loss of life!  There was George Clooney, enlightening us savages on how to save our planet, when suddenly, Mother Nature rained thundering judgement down upon him!  As George’s shaking hand reached out through the rubble, his beloved San Francisco crowd stole his wallet, looted his dressing room, and took off in his car. 

I had reached Valhalla.  There, in the theatre, I smoked a cigarette.

Back to “San Andreas.”  The script—apparently the winning entry from a 2nd Grade “What I Want To See In A Movie” contest—leaves a lot to be desired.  The characters are pure formula.  Hero Dad wants family back, but must first grapple with past loss.  “Me need closure!”  Mom (Carla Gugino) has another fella, but oh sister, he’s just not right for you!  Teenage daughter (Alexandra Daddario) is spunky and resourceful, while falling into an instant, made-for-disaster-movie romance with a guy who saves her life.  This she does while showing disturbing amounts of cleavage (as if the movie needed another fault line).  The stereotypical scientist whose warnings weren’t heeded (seismologist “Lawrence,” well played by Paul Giamatti) keeps swapping “This is bad—really bad!” statements while reviewing tremor readings with his staff.

“Lawrence, look at these wildly erratic lines!  This is bad—really bad!”

“It’s like a Brian Williams lie detector test!  We’re all gonna die!  This is bad—really bad!”

“We keep saying higher and higher numbers, like we’re bidding on something!  This is bad—really bad!”

“I’ve played this same role in six disaster movies!  All I do is look at screens and say, ‘This is bad—really bad!’  Maybe I died years ago, and I'm in hell!  This is bad—really bad!”

Yes, if lameness had a Richter Scale, “San Andreas” would hit 9.6 several times.

Thankfully, some action sequences are tight and tense, and watching all those cement slabs falling on people brought back fond memories of that childhood game, “Whack A Mole.”  Other scenes, however, are humorously implausible.  It seems whenever the stars leave a room or building, it immediately crumples behind them, stretching any “nick of time” anxiety into yawning familiarity.  Whatever.  About midway through, I started shouting, “Stay in the building!  Those people want to live too!” 

Sillier still is Johnson using countless modes of transportation in trying to reach his daughter.  There’s a truck.  A helicopter.  SUV.  Boat.  Parachute.  I think I saw a space shuttle.  By movie’s end, we expect to see The Rock furiously peddling a tricycle down the center of a highway, yelling “Hang in there, Honey!  Daddy’s coming!”

While “San Andreas” is all disaster movie, there are good moments as well.  Some people get saved.  A family comes together.  As California crashes into the Pacific, the federal budget simultaneously balances.  Go figure.  At the end, a huge American flag unfurls. 

Best of all, “San Andreas” shows the vision, ingenuity, and solutions that “Tomorrowland” lacked.  It’s simplicity itself.  To save Mother Earth, just follow a simple formula:  Take one California.  Insert one George Clooney.  Now remove California from planet.

Earth saved.  Problem solved.  

Yep.  Good times.

1 Comment

CHOICE Movie Reviews:  Tomorrowland   by Andy Peth

5/22/2015

1 Comment

 
Picture
First, my score guide:

Quality:  This score indicates entertainment value.  
0 stars is horrible, while 5 stars is spectacular.

Political:  This score addresses political messaging.  
0 stars is aggressively anti-Conservative, while 5 stars is highly pro-Conservative.  3 stars is apolitical.

Moral/Religious (M/R):  This score addresses moral and religious messaging.  
0 stars is either intensely immoral or all-out, needless assault on Christianity.  5 stars is either great moral messaging or highly pro-Christian.  3 stars is inoffensive either way.


Tomorrowland
Quality – 2.5 stars, Political – 0 stars, M/R – 2 stars

“Tomorrowland” is the embodiment of modern Disney.  It’s preachy.  It's relentlessly liberal.  Solely devoted to converting young minds, “Tomorrowland” blends amazing sights with leftist idealism that will finally work—if we just fully commit.  It’s one big, cinematic Gingerbread House, wooing America’s Hansels and Gretels to come inside. 

All of which is fine if the movie is good—and “Tomorrowland” works well about 80% of the way.  There are cool special effects.  Touching relationships.  Jet packs.  But then, once all the kiddies are drawn in, doors close behind them and the sermon heats up to a fever pitch.  



Note to Disney:  Sermons aren’t fun.  They’re boring.  And the environmentalist altar call closing this puppy was so intense, I expected Disney employees to hand out robes as we left the theatre.

“Thanks for coming!  See you at the coven!  Celebrate the Goddess!”

“Ummm…why is Goofy placing Mickey on an altar?”

“Mickey was bad!  He invested in oil, using record profits to buy ivory and fur for Minnie!  He gave her these things at the shooting range!  Bad Mickey, bad!  But soon, we shall release Mickey’s negative energy back to the universe, making him whole again!”

“That’s a very large knife.  Mickey’s really struggling.”

“Mickey was bad!  Make Mickey whole!  All hail Gaia!”

“You know, for a High Priest, Donald’s Latin sounds really confusing—”

“Mickey was bad!”

“—though strangely hypnotic.”

“Release Mickey’s energy!  Thanks for coming!  Place all trash in receptacles as you leave!  Bad Mickey, bad!”

As I said, this movie was fine until the end.  In brief, Tomorrowland is a futuristic society, held separate from our world by some sort of time-space divergence.  People must be invited there, and these recruitments only target those who are brilliant and hopeful—smart dreamers.

The characters, though formulaic, are fairly enjoyable.  George Clooney plays Frank Walker, a secluded inventor who experienced Tomorrowland as a youth, but was kicked out.  Now he’s grizzled and frustrated, yet longing for hope—a perfect role for Clooney. 

Hope comes in the optimistic form of Casey Newton (Britt Robertson), a teenage girl whose extreme intellect and idealism sometimes land her in trouble.  Though she’s the central role, Casey is a bland character—just reacting to events around her, offering no compelling interest.

Leading Casey to Frank is Athena (Raffey Cassidy), an android girl who recruits young geniuses for Tomorrowland.   Without a doubt, Athena is the most charming character in the movie—and a terrific career-launcher for Cassidy.  Expect to see lots of her for years to come.  Thanks to Athena, the awkward trio enjoys good chemistry and some witty moments.

Ah, but all is not well in Tomorrowland, as it is run with an iron hand by Governor Nix (a horribly underused Hugh Laurie).   Crushing hope with doubt, Nix also operates from a personal agenda—or something.  All this is poorly explained, and we never really grasp his motives or goals.  What a waste.  Nix’s role squanders a fine actor, and we’d hardly know he’s the villain, except androids are killing for him. 

Oh well.  At the end, we realize the true villain for this Disney film is, well, Disney.  No longer content entertaining children, Disney now programs activists.  With films like this, you can’t just watch Disney anymore.  You must join it.  So grab a robe.

Personally, I miss the old Disney.  Would it really be so bad to—once again—wish upon a star?

1 Comment

CHOICE Movie Reviews:  Mad Max: Fury Road   by Andy Peth

5/15/2015

0 Comments

 
Picture
First, my score guide:

Quality:  This score indicates entertainment value.  
0 stars is horrible, while 5 stars is spectacular.

Political:  This score addresses political messaging.  
0 stars is aggressively anti-Conservative, while 5 stars is highly pro-Conservative.  3 stars is apolitical.

Moral/Religious (M/R):  This score addresses moral and religious messaging.  
0 stars is either intensely immoral or all-out, needless assault on Christianity.  5 stars is either great moral messaging or highly pro-Christian.  3 stars is inoffensive either way.


Mad Max: Fury Road
Quality – 4 stars, Political – 2.5 stars, M/R – 2 stars

It all started on a leisurely road trip to see my wife’s grandparents.  Freshening up at a rest stop, Cori was delayed returning to the car, so I began to worry.  Finally, over ten minutes later, she approached.  

“I’m back!  Time to ride!”

“Honey, why are the sides of your head shaved?!  And why are we shouting?!”

“This is how we all talk now!  It’s the only way to gain respect!”

“Respect?  But Cori—”

“—Death Kitty!”

“What?”

“I’m Death Kitty now!  I feel so free!”

“Free?  You were only gone twelve minutes!”

“I’m stronger now!  And the car will be too, with the new shielding I got!”

“Shielding?”

“Can’t ride without shielding—I wouldn’t make it twenty feet in this heap!”

“Heap?  We drive a Rav 4!  It’s a peppy little SUV with high mileage, sporty contouring, and smart use of space for families on the go!”

“Well, I drive a Rav 4…”

“What?”

“Had to trade you for the shielding!”

“You traded me?”

“They needed laborers in the mines!  I’m sorry, the bidding got going, there were rival clans…lots of tattoos…I got so excited!”

“You traded me?”

“I also told them you’re a mechanic.  They all wanted mechanics!”

“But I’m a political writer!”

“Yeah, no one wanted those!  There was loud laughter, lots of tattoos…I got so excited!”

“But I don’t work on cars!”

“It’s okay!  I didn’t tell them that, and all trades are final!  I still get the shielding!”

“I’m frightened, Death Kitty!”

“Don’t be!  Your warlord has assured me you’ll be fed!  They were cooking something back there…something they caught!”

“But—”

“Gotta fight for your share, of course.  Bring something sharp!”

“But…but…I’m frightened, Death Kitty!”

Watching Mad Max movies transports you to a post-apocalyptic, savage world, where nearly all battles play out on wheels.   Warring over gasoline and water, the characters show little interest in nursing feelings or being politically correct.  It’s kill or be killed.  Drive or be driven over.  Everything’s…raw.

And yet, in the case of “Mad Max: Fury Road,” everything is also something else:  Impressive.  For those who can handle the chaotic feel of a lawless future, this film is terrific.  The action is relentless, but not confusing.  Minimalist color schemes augment splashes of beauty (reminds me of “Pitch Black”), while harrowing combat feels real—thanks to a nice blend of stuntwork and infrequent CGI.  Pacing, editing, special effects—all are first rate.  Wasting nothing in its two hour runtime, “Fury Road” leaves your heart racing and your senses blown.

Hang on, baby.

Think I’m just gushing over a guy flick?  Think again.  This is more of a feminist action movie, reminiscent of Sigourney Weaver’s masterpiece, “Aliens.”  Yes, Max (Tom Hardy) is central to the story, but he’s joined by Charlize Theron, who plays “Imperator Furiosa”—a head-shaved, one-armed heroine bent on rescuing several women from their male-dominated cult.  Oh yes, guys in this film get what they deserve, often at the hands of ladies. 

Come to think of it, maybe girls shouldn’t watch “Fury Road.”  If they do, men won’t be safe on morning commutes for at least a month.  Think I’m kidding?   There’s lots of pent up frustration out there, and we’re liable to see Rav 4’s blowing up all over the roads.  Better get some shielding, boys…

As for Theron, it’s time to state the obvious:  She might be the finest actress of our time.  A natural beauty (witness “Italian Job”), Theron sometimes targets roles like this where her looks are cast aside, proving she needn’t rely on that which propelled her to Hollywood’s pinnacle.  It’s extraordinary.  While Scarlett Johansson wears some saucy outfit every time out, Theron might well play an ogre in the next bridge-related fable.  And she’ll make a good one.

Hardy is also up to the task.  Haunted to near insanity by sad memories, Hardy’s “Max” is really quite “Mad.”  Too many regrets.  Too many horrors.  In time, he snaps out of it, but only because he must.  Ever the hero, Max does what has to be done.

The villain, Immortan Joe (Hugh Keays-Byrne), leads a religious cult, promising followers rewards in Valhalla for their sacrifices.  Basically, he’s a radical Islamic Thor (a combination I’d never considered—an oversight on my part).  Using women for breeding purposes, Evil Thor pursues Max and Furiosa to retrieve the little band of hotties they’re helping. 

Sound tense?  Sound fun?  It is.

But throughout the mayhem, there’s a good message to “Mad Max: Fury Road”:  Delude people, and they’ll follow.  When the delusion breaks, they’ll rebel.  But lead with honor, and they’ll follow you anywhere…since there’s nothing left to break.

I can think of many leaders today who’d benefit from this message.  I can also think of many moviegoers today who’d benefit from watching this movie.

Just hang on, baby.

0 Comments

CHOICE Movie Reviews:  Avengers: Age of Ultron   By Andy Peth

5/1/2015

1 Comment

 
Picture
First, my score guide:

Quality:  This score indicates entertainment value.  
0 stars is horrible, while 5 stars is spectacular.

Political:  This score addresses political messaging.  
0 stars is aggressively anti-Conservative, while 5 stars is highly pro-Conservative.  3 stars is apolitical.

Moral/Religious (M/R):  This score addresses moral and religious messaging.  
0 stars is either intensely immoral or all-out, needless assault on Christianity.  5 stars is either great moral messaging or highly pro-Christian.  3 stars is inoffensive either way.


Avengers: Age of Ultron
Quality – 4 stars, Political – 3 stars, M/R – 3 stars

“Avengers: Age of Ultron” is lengthy, overblown, and full of poorly-explained tech challenges that must be overcome for Earth to be saved—all amidst scattered CGI action scenes. 

So naturally, I loved it.

This really is a fun movie.  The characters are enjoyable as ever—more so, in the cases of Hawkeye (Jeremy Renner), Captain America (Chris Evans), and that blond Atlas who rarely shrugs, Thor (Chris Hemsworth).  The deafening battle scenes boast relentless fights and narrow escapes.  And while the humor isn’t fresh as the first installment, there’s still plenty of it.

But is this a perfect film?  Not quite.  For one thing, there are too many superheroes.  Everyone has to get a line, an action scene, a moment walking us through his/her backstory, another line, a slowed down action pose displaying his/her beauty, then more action— if you watch very closely, I’m pretty sure they’re going alphabetically.

Tony Stark (as always, perfectly rendered by Robert Downey Jr.) decides to use Loki’s scepter for the artificial intelligence necessary to his “Ultron” project—an ambitious pursuit of protecting Earth with thinking, feeling, super-robots.  You heard me.  Tony wants to endow superbots with uncontrollable alien tech.  All together now:  “Hey, what could go wrong?!”

Sure, the plot is silly and predictable—and one can picture Tony shouting in his lab, “They all thought I was mad!  Maaaaad!  Muah-ha-ha-ha-ha!!!”  But the resulting Ultron is still a good super-villain, especially when voiced by James Spader.  

Deciding peace can’t exist with mankind in the equation, Ultron takes the logical next step—and besides, he really hates mankind anyway.  Why?  Maybe he’s mad at Tony—I mean, everyone usually is.  Maybe someone refused to bake a cake for a robot wedding.  Honestly, it’s hard to tell, but that’s okay—Ultron’s plenty menacing, and that’s enough.

Adding to the drama, Natasha Romanoff (Scarlett Johansson’s “Black Widow”) has a love interest.  I don’t want to spoil the mystery, but then again, it’s in the latest trailers anyway, so I’ll just say it…

…it’s Ultron.  Hey, chicks dig the bad boys.

Okay, truth be told, she’s hooking up with Bruce Banner, aka The Hulk.  Fearing the Hulk is too dangerous, Bruce deflects Natasha’s interest (because, you know, her life is normally so safe).  Torn between love and duty, their forbidden romance plays like an out of place melodrama:

“My love, it would never work between us!  You know what I am!”

“No my darling, our love will overcome!”

“But I’m a monster!  A monster, I tell you!”

“Oh Bruce, don’t we all have monsters within us?”

“Yes, but I actually become a—”

“No!  You’re not a monster!  It’s Gaston!  He’s the real monster!”

“But when I get angry—wait, that’s from Beauty and the Beast—”

“—those villagers can never keep us apart!”

“—still Beauty and the Beast—”

“—they all thought I was mad!  Maaaaaad!”

“Tony, you’re not helping—”

“—and once we make green babies, those villagers will learn what fear really means!”

“—there are no villagers, Natasha—”

“—they’ll run screaming, as our little green ones chase them through their pitiful village…which I will set ablaze!  And we shall laugh at them, my love!  We’ll laugh as their world burns!”

“Yes!  It will all burn!”

“Still not helping, Tony.”

There’s a cool brand of creepiness to this film, where passion always comes with a price.  Love your coworker—face danger.  Love your creations—face danger.  Love wearing tight outfits—face danger.  While the intended lesson from “Avengers: Age of Ultron” is “More power can make us less safe,” perhaps the real lesson is, “Don’t love anything.  Or if you must, be ready to smash stuff with thrilling CGI sequences.”

Is it a perfect lesson?  No.  But then, this isn’t a perfect movie, and it’s not meant to be.  “Avengers: Age of Ultron” is a triumph of plot quantity over plot twists; of big effects over little details.  It’s not going to make you a better person—just a smiling one.

So leave the anguish to Bruce and Natasha and grab some popcorn.  It’s time to have fun.

1 Comment

    CHOICE Movie Reviews

    Our Conservative movie reviews provide Quality, Political, and Moral/Religious scores, complete with Andy's commentary.

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