The Party Of Choice
Connect with us on social media:
  • Home
  • Get To Know Us
    • What is Conservatism?
    • What Do We Believe?
    • Tyranny of the Majority
    • "Tough" Issues >
      • Abortion
      • Gay Marriage
      • Marijuana
    • Conservatism, Free Thinking, and a Central Vision
    • Invitation
  • The Eyes of One
  • Videos
    • Choice Words That Win Videos
    • The Refinery
    • Radio Interviews
  • Articles
    • Movie Reviews
  • Sponsor an Ad
  • Unite The Right
  • Events
  • Store
  • Resources
    • Talking Points from Grassroots Radio Colorado Show
    • Petition
    • spOILed The Movie - Time to Fill Up on Truth
    • Flyers
  • Contact Us

CHOICE Movie Reviews:  The Last Witch Hunter   by Andy Peth

10/24/2015

1 Comment

 
Picture
First, my score guide:

Quality:  This score indicates entertainment value.  
0 stars is horrible, while 5 stars is spectacular.

Political:  This score addresses political messaging.  
0 stars is aggressively anti-Conservative, while 5 stars is highly pro-Conservative.  3 stars is apolitical.

Moral/Religious (M/R):  This score addresses moral and religious messaging.  
0 stars is either intensely immoral or all-out, needless assault on Christianity.  5 stars is either great moral messaging or highly pro-Christian.  3 stars is inoffensive either way.

The Last Witch Hunter
Quality – 2 stars, Political – 3 stars, M/R – 1.5 stars
Halloween approaches!  It’s a magical time, when evil roams the land, and ordinary women can legally wear as much black as Megyn Kelly.  Per usual, Hollywood unleashes horror films of all kinds, from slashers to ghosts to zombies.  The first monster this year?
 
Witches!
 
And these aren’t just any witches.  No, no!  Employing impressive CGI, these covens wield a dazzling array of visual horrors.  They blow crystalline fire.  They insta-grow tree branches and roots over victims.  Obeying their commands, swarms of flies move in spectacular patterns.  And naturally, this all occurs in darkness and shadows.
 
But herein lies a problem, for much of the action transpires against drab, dismal backgrounds.  It’s all just a bit too…dark.  And this muddles the action.  And characters.  And story.  I felt like I was dreaming about watching my latest nightmare while drunk.
 
Vin Diesel plays Kaulder, an ageless witch hunter who has spent the past 8 centuries bringing down these ultra-baddies.  Cool as always, Vin’s up to the task—and he’s got help.  Assisting his enduring quest is a Catholic Priest with the designation, “Dolan.”  Michael Caine plays Dolan 36, Kaulder’s longtime friend who is finally retiring, while “Don’t-call-me-Frodo” Elijah Wood plays the youthful Dolan 37.  Apparently, Kaulder needs a priest at his side.
 
(If this sounds like a “Van Helsing” ripoff, that’s only because it’s a “Van Helsing” ripoff)
 
Cursed by the Witch Queen at her death centuries ago, Kaulder must forever live “without really living”—a concept we grow to understand the longer we watch this film. 
 
The Witch Queen is a muddy mess of a villain.  Though other witches are shown freely altering their appearance, this all-powerful vixen (actress/model Julie Engelbrecht) can’t, for some reason.  It’s crazy.  Hiding beyond public view, she skulks about with skin peeling, drooping from her face and arms.  She looks like a snake in mid-shed—or Madonna standing too close to a heat lamp.  At any rate, she’s just too icky and goopy to really, you know, despise.  I half wanted to start a GoFundMe account for her condition.
 
Rounding out the cast is Chloe (Rose Leslie); Hollywood’s latest obligatory example of a well-meaning witch.  Chloe’s cute and visionary, but why can’t movies just let witches be bad anymore?  I don’t recall seeing thoughtful, misunderstood sharks in “Jaws,” and the absence of jolly old Orcs in “Lord of the Rings” provided a reassuring consistency.  But witches?  We always need some good ones.  It’s like a Wiccan somewhere has little dolls of every Hollywood producer, hovering over a flame.
 
Gotta get me one of those.
 
Anyway, “The Last Witch Hunter” has plenty of action, special effects, and dark, oogity-boogity chills for this holiday season—but without the heart (which is ironic, as it contains an actual beating heart).  It’s just too difficult to embrace the characters, or care what happens to them.
 
My advice?  Rent “Van Helsing,” or a true Vin Diesel masterpiece, “Pitch Black.”  Guys, dress like Count Dracula.  Girls, dress like Megyn Kelly.  Halloween comes but once a year, so you might as well enjoy it.

1 Comment
Marla Hughes
10/25/2015 06:15:07 pm

I agree about Pitch Black. It's the only truly scary movie that I can and do watch again. IMO one of the new classics. A standard.

Reply



Leave a Reply.

    CHOICE Movie Reviews

    Our Conservative movie reviews provide Quality, Political, and Moral/Religious scores, complete with Andy's commentary.

    Archives

    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014

    Categories

    All

    RSS Feed

Proudly powered by Weebly