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CHOICE Movie Reviews: Jurassic World by Andy Peth

6/12/2015

First, my score guide:

Quality:  This score indicates entertainment value.
0 stars is horrible, while 5 stars is spectacular.

Political:  This score addresses political messaging.
0 stars is aggressively anti-Conservative, while 5 stars is highly pro-Conservative. 3 stars is apolitical.

Moral/Religious (M/R):  This score addresses moral and religious messaging.
0 stars is either intensely immoral or all-out, needless assault on Christianity. 5 stars is either great moral messaging or highly pro-Christian.  3 stars is inoffensive either way.

Jurassic World
Quality – 2.5 stars, Political – 1.5 star, M/R – 3 stars

I love Geico’s recent commercials panning slasher flicks, where one character in a group of teens says, “Let’s hide behind the chainsaws!”—after which they flee to a cemetery. In “Jurassic World,” the entire movie is “hiding behind chainsaws,” as characters foolishly create, unleash, and get in the way of carnivorous reptiles. I half-expected someone to get eaten while attempting to floss raptor teeth…

“Dental hygiene’s important, y’know. Lemme see if I can reach that back row.”

“No!” yell people in the audience. “Chainsaws! Chainsaws!”

My point? While the action races and the CGI dazzles, this movie’s plot and characters appear to have been drawn in crayon.

Take Vic, for instance (played by Vincent D’Onofrio). As a rich, powerful dude who wants to sell raptors as military weapons, he’s Hollywood’s vision of every Republican. So gee, waddya think happens to him? Chainsaws!

Comedic super-hunk Chris Pratt plays Owen, a raptor trainer who tells Vic he’s crazy. Nevertheless, Vic sends Owen to Jurassic World—the dinosaur island that is now an elaborate theme park (I assume “Jurassic Land” and “Six Jurassic Flags” were taken). Owen is the classic example of “handsome expert with military training talking sense to the rich moron.” So gee, think he’ll be the action hero? You win again!

Note to director Colin Trevorrow: When we know exactly what will happen to character types we’ve seen a million times, it’s less fun watching them go through it.

In another ultra-formulaic setup, lead female character Claire (Bryce Dallas Howard) is an uptight, corporate-style, park operations manager. Claire’s two teen nephews are visiting, but while she’s supposed to show them around, she’s too business-absorbed and dispassionate to care about “bonding.” So gee, waddya think happens when all their lives are in danger? Might the uptight businesswoman find her inner nurturer? Will this be “Baby Boom” with dinosaurs? Will she also wind up with Owen? Will all this occur while her uptight outfit becomes more revealing? Yep, yep, yep, you betcha!

Note to Trevorrow: When we know exactly how relational subplots will play out, it’s less fun watching them play out.

The storyline itself is a picture of the Jurassic series: Audiences tire of the same old dinosaurs, so Jurassic’s lab must concoct a more ferocious model--Indominus Rex. And not only do they make Indominus bigger and meaner, but smarter as well. So Indominus plans. He communicates. In his spare time, he enriches uranium. This is one smart super-predator. Oh, and lest we accuse Trevorrow of doing anything new with this plotline, it was all done with sharks in “Deep Blue Sea”—a better movie.

Note to Trevorrow: When we know exactly how a genetically enhanced dinosaur…aw, forget it.

The moral of “Jurassic World” (outside of the usual, “Greed and military are bad!”) is no different from the moral of all Jurassic movies: “Stop trying to control nature; it’s bigger than you.” Maybe this is why these movies never really connect. Sure, we like the action. And sure, we love the special effects. But how many of us are mad scientists trying to control nature, whose ambitions can only be curbed by preachy movies? Ummm…virtually no one. As much as I enjoy a good monster flick, it’s weird hearing a sermon that could never apply to me.

So there you have it. Though good popcorn fun, “Jurassic World” has characters doing what you’d expect in a story going where you’d expect, all while teaching a lesson you’ll never use. This movie is a rock skipping across the water while leaving no rings—but I enjoyed watching it skip.

Do you like that Geico commercial? Then watch this movie. Chainsaws!

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CHOICE Movie Reviews: San Andreas by Andy Peth

5/29/2015

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San Andreas
Quality – 2 stars, Political – 4 stars, M/R – 2.5 stars

There are reasons to like “San Andreas.” Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson is flat-out cool. California is destroyed, and no one blames fracking. And coming on the heels of Disney’s enviro-sermon, “Tomorrowland,” I was able to imagine that entire set crashing beneath rubble and girders.

Yep. Good times.

Starring as Rescue Chief Ray Gaines, The Rock puts in his usual likable performance, complete with incredible acts of strength, valor, and occasional sensitivity. He’s a dedicated ex-soldier. He’s going through a divorce that’s tearing him apart. He’s a great dad. At least 27 times, my wife felt inspired to lean over and whisper, “You totally suck.”

Didn’t matter. I was still picturing that burning, screaming “Tomorrowland” set. Oh the humanity! Oh the senseless loss of life! There was George Clooney, enlightening us savages on how to save our planet, when suddenly, Mother Nature rained thundering judgement down upon him! As George’s shaking hand reached out through the rubble, his beloved San Francisco crowd stole his wallet, looted his dressing room, and took off in his car.

I had reached Valhalla. There, in the theatre, I smoked a cigarette.

Back to “San Andreas.” The script—apparently the winning entry from a 2nd Grade “What I Want To See In A Movie” contest—leaves a lot to be desired. The characters are pure formula. Hero Dad wants family back, but must first grapple with past loss. “Me need closure!” Mom (Carla Gugino) has another fella, but oh sister, he’s just not right for you! Teenage daughter (Alexandra Daddario) is spunky and resourceful, while falling into an instant, made-for-disaster-movie romance with a guy who saves her life. This she does while showing disturbing amounts of cleavage (as if the movie needed another fault line). The stereotypical scientist whose warnings weren’t heeded (seismologist “Lawrence,” well played by Paul Giamatti) keeps swapping “This is bad—really bad!” statements while reviewing tremor readings with his staff.

“Lawrence, look at these wildly erratic lines! This is bad—really bad!”

“It’s like a Brian Williams lie detector test! We’re all gonna die! This is bad—really bad!”

“We keep saying higher and higher numbers, like we’re bidding on something! This is bad—really bad!”

“I’ve played this same role in six disaster movies! All I do is look at screens and say, ‘This is bad—really bad!’ Maybe I died years ago, and I'm in hell! This is bad—really bad!”

Yes, if lameness had a Richter Scale, “San Andreas” would hit 9.6 several times.

Thankfully, some action sequences are tight and tense, and watching all those cement slabs falling on people brought back fond memories of that childhood game, “Whack A Mole.” Other scenes, however, are humorously implausible. It seems whenever the stars leave a room or building, it immediately crumples behind them, stretching any “nick of time” anxiety into yawning familiarity. Whatever. About midway through, I started shouting, “Stay in the building! Those people want to live too!”

Sillier still is Johnson using countless modes of transportation in trying to reach his daughter. There’s a truck. A helicopter. SUV. Boat. Parachute. I think I saw a space shuttle. By movie’s end, we expect to see The Rock furiously peddling a tricycle down the center of a highway, yelling “Hang in there, Honey! Daddy’s coming!”

While “San Andreas” is all disaster movie, there are good moments as well. Some people get saved. A family comes together. As California crashes into the Pacific, the federal budget simultaneously balances. Go figure. At the end, a huge American flag unfurls.

Best of all, “San Andreas” shows the vision, ingenuity, and solutions that “Tomorrowland” lacked. It’s simplicity itself. To save Mother Earth, just follow a simple formula: Take one California. Insert one George Clooney. Now remove California from planet.

Earth saved. Problem solved.

Yep. Good times.

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CHOICE Movie Reviews: Tomorrowland by Andy Peth

5/22/2015

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Tomorrowland
Quality – 2.5 stars, Political – 0 stars, M/R – 2 stars

“Tomorrowland” is the embodiment of modern Disney. It’s preachy. It's relentlessly liberal. Solely devoted to converting young minds, “Tomorrowland” blends amazing sights with leftist idealism that will finally work—if we just fully commit. It’s one big, cinematic Gingerbread House, wooing America’s Hansels and Gretels to come inside.

All of which is fine if the movie is good—and “Tomorrowland” works well about 80% of the way. There are cool special effects. Touching relationships. Jet packs. But then, once all the kiddies are drawn in, doors close behind them and the sermon heats up to a fever pitch.

Note to Disney: Sermons aren’t fun. They’re boring. And the environmentalist altar call closing this puppy was so intense, I expected Disney employees to hand out robes as we left the theatre.

“Thanks for coming! See you at the coven! Celebrate the Goddess!”

“Ummm…why is Goofy placing Mickey on an altar?”

“Mickey was bad! He invested in oil, using record profits to buy ivory and fur for Minnie! He gave her these things at the shooting range! Bad Mickey, bad! But soon, we shall release Mickey’s negative energy back to the universe, making him whole again!”

“That’s a very large knife. Mickey’s really struggling.”

“Mickey was bad! Make Mickey whole! All hail Gaia!”

“You know, for a High Priest, Donald’s Latin sounds really confusing—”

“Mickey was bad!”

“—though strangely hypnotic.”

“Release Mickey’s energy! Thanks for coming! Place all trash in receptacles as you leave! Bad Mickey, bad!”

As I said, this movie was fine until the end. In brief, Tomorrowland is a futuristic society, held separate from our world by some sort of time-space divergence. People must be invited there, and these recruitments only target those who are brilliant and hopeful—smart dreamers.

The characters, though formulaic, are fairly enjoyable. George Clooney plays Frank Walker, a secluded inventor who experienced Tomorrowland as a youth, but was kicked out. Now he’s grizzled and frustrated, yet longing for hope—a perfect role for Clooney.

Hope comes in the optimistic form of Casey Newton (Britt Robertson), a teenage girl whose extreme intellect and idealism sometimes land her in trouble. Though she’s the central role, Casey is a bland character—just reacting to events around her, offering no compelling interest.

Leading Casey to Frank is Athena (Raffey Cassidy), an android girl who recruits young geniuses for Tomorrowland. Without a doubt, Athena is the most charming character in the movie—and a terrific career-launcher for Cassidy. Expect to see lots of her for years to come. Thanks to Athena, the awkward trio enjoys good chemistry and some witty moments.

Ah, but all is not well in Tomorrowland, as it is run with an iron hand by Governor Nix (a horribly underused Hugh Laurie). Crushing hope with doubt, Nix also operates from a personal agenda—or something. All this is poorly explained, and we never really grasp his motives or goals. What a waste. Nix’s role squanders a fine actor, and we’d hardly know he’s the villain, except androids are killing for him.

Oh well. At the end, we realize the true villain for this Disney film is, well, Disney. No longer content entertaining children, Disney now programs activists. With films like this, you can’t just watch Disney anymore. You must join it. So grab a robe.

Personally, I miss the old Disney. Would it really be so bad to—once again—wish upon a star?

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CHOICE Movie Reviews: Mad Max: Fury Road by Andy Peth

5/15/2015

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Mad Max: Fury Road
Quality – 4 stars, Political – 2.5 stars, M/R – 2 stars

It all started on a leisurely road trip to see my wife’s grandparents. Freshening up at a rest stop, Cori was delayed returning to the car, so I began to worry. Finally, over ten minutes later, she approached.

“I’m back! Time to ride!”

“Honey, why are the sides of your head shaved?! And why are we shouting?!”

“This is how we all talk now! It’s the only way to gain respect!”

“Respect? But Cori—”

“—Death Kitty!”

“What?”

“I’m Death Kitty now! I feel so free!”

“Free? You were only gone twelve minutes!”

“I’m stronger now! And the car will be too, with the new shielding I got!”

“Shielding?”

“Can’t ride without shielding—I wouldn’t make it twenty feet in this heap!”

“Heap? We drive a Rav 4! It’s a peppy little SUV with high mileage, sporty contouring, and smart use of space for families on the go!”

“Well, I drive a Rav 4…”

“What?”

“Had to trade you for the shielding!”

“You traded me?”

“They needed laborers in the mines! I’m sorry, the bidding got going, there were rival clans…lots of tattoos…I got so excited!”

“You traded me?”

“I also told them you’re a mechanic. They all wanted mechanics!”

“But I’m a political writer!”

“Yeah, no one wanted those! There was loud laughter, lots of tattoos…I got so excited!”

“But I don’t work on cars!”

“It’s okay! I didn’t tell them that, and all trades are final! I still get the shielding!”

“I’m frightened, Death Kitty!”

“Don’t be! Your warlord has assured me you’ll be fed! They were cooking something back there…something they caught!”

“But—”

“Gotta fight for your share, of course. Bring something sharp!”

“But…but…I’m frightened, Death Kitty!”

Watching Mad Max movies transports you to a post-apocalyptic, savage world, where nearly all battles play out on wheels. Warring over gasoline and water, the characters show little interest in nursing feelings or being politically correct. It’s kill or be killed. Drive or be driven over. Everything’s…raw.

And yet, in the case of “Mad Max: Fury Road,” everything is also something else: Impressive. For those who can handle the chaotic feel of a lawless future, this film is terrific. The action is relentless, but not confusing. Minimalist color schemes augment splashes of beauty (reminds me of “Pitch Black”), while harrowing combat feels real—thanks to a nice blend of stuntwork and infrequent CGI. Pacing, editing, special effects—all are first rate. Wasting nothing in its two hour runtime, “Fury Road” leaves your heart racing and your senses blown.

Hang on, baby.

Think I’m just gushing over a guy flick? Think again. This is more of a feminist action movie, reminiscent of Sigourney Weaver’s masterpiece, “Aliens.” Yes, Max (Tom Hardy) is central to the story, but he’s joined by Charlize Theron, who plays “Imperator Furiosa”—a head-shaved, one-armed heroine bent on rescuing several women from their male-dominated cult. Oh yes, guys in this film get what they deserve, often at the hands of ladies.

Come to think of it, maybe girls shouldn’t watch “Fury Road.” If they do, men won’t be safe on morning commutes for at least a month. Think I’m kidding? There’s lots of pent up frustration out there, and we’re liable to see Rav 4’s blowing up all over the roads. Better get some shielding, boys…

As for Theron, it’s time to state the obvious: She might be the finest actress of our time. A natural beauty (witness “Italian Job”), Theron sometimes targets roles like this where her looks are cast aside, proving she needn’t rely on that which propelled her to Hollywood’s pinnacle. It’s extraordinary. While Scarlett Johansson wears some saucy outfit every time out, Theron might well play an ogre in the next bridge-related fable. And she’ll make a good one.

Hardy is also up to the task. Haunted to near insanity by sad memories, Hardy’s “Max” is really quite “Mad.” Too many regrets. Too many horrors. In time, he snaps out of it, but only because he must. Ever the hero, Max does what has to be done.

The villain, Immortan Joe (Hugh Keays-Byrne), leads a religious cult, promising followers rewards in Valhalla for their sacrifices. Basically, he’s a radical Islamic Thor (a combination I’d never considered—an oversight on my part). Using women for breeding purposes, Evil Thor pursues Max and Furiosa to retrieve the little band of hotties they’re helping.

Sound tense? Sound fun? It is.

But throughout the mayhem, there’s a good message to “Mad Max: Fury Road”: Delude people, and they’ll follow. When the delusion breaks, they’ll rebel. But lead with honor, and they’ll follow you anywhere…since there’s nothing left to break.

I can think of many leaders today who’d benefit from this message. I can also think of many moviegoers today who’d benefit from watching this movie.

Just hang on, baby.

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CHOICE Movie Reviews: Avengers: Age of Ultron By Andy Peth

5/1/2015

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Avengers: Age of Ultron
Quality – 4 stars, Political – 3 stars, M/R – 3 stars

“Avengers: Age of Ultron” is lengthy, overblown, and full of poorly-explained tech challenges that must be overcome for Earth to be saved—all amidst scattered CGI action scenes.

So naturally, I loved it.

This really is a fun movie. The characters are enjoyable as ever—more so, in the cases of Hawkeye (Jeremy Renner), Captain America (Chris Evans), and that blond Atlas who rarely shrugs, Thor (Chris Hemsworth). The deafening battle scenes boast relentless fights and narrow escapes. And while the humor isn’t fresh as the first installment, there’s still plenty of it.

But is this a perfect film? Not quite. For one thing, there are too many superheroes. Everyone has to get a line, an action scene, a moment walking us through his/her backstory, another line, a slowed down action pose displaying his/her beauty, then more action— if you watch very closely, I’m pretty sure they’re going alphabetically.

Tony Stark (as always, perfectly rendered by Robert Downey Jr.) decides to use Loki’s scepter for the artificial intelligence necessary to his “Ultron” project—an ambitious pursuit of protecting Earth with thinking, feeling, super-robots. You heard me. Tony wants to endow superbots with uncontrollable alien tech. All together now: “Hey, what could go wrong?!”

Sure, the plot is silly and predictable—and one can picture Tony shouting in his lab, “They all thought I was mad! Maaaaad! Muah-ha-ha-ha-ha!!!” But the resulting Ultron is still a good super-villain, especially when voiced by James Spader.

Deciding peace can’t exist with mankind in the equation, Ultron takes the logical next step—and besides, he really hates mankind anyway. Why? Maybe he’s mad at Tony—I mean, everyone usually is. Maybe someone refused to bake a cake for a robot wedding. Honestly, it’s hard to tell, but that’s okay—Ultron’s plenty menacing, and that’s enough.

Adding to the drama, Natasha Romanoff (Scarlett Johansson’s “Black Widow”) has a love interest. I don’t want to spoil the mystery, but then again, it’s in the latest trailers anyway, so I’ll just say it…

…it’s Ultron. Hey, chicks dig the bad boys.

Okay, truth be told, she’s hooking up with Bruce Banner, aka The Hulk. Fearing the Hulk is too dangerous, Bruce deflects Natasha’s interest (because, you know, her life is normally so safe). Torn between love and duty, their forbidden romance plays like an out of place melodrama:

“My love, it would never work between us! You know what I am!”

“No my darling, our love will overcome!”

“But I’m a monster! A monster, I tell you!”

“Oh Bruce, don’t we all have monsters within us?”

“Yes, but I actually become a—”

“No! You’re not a monster! It’s Gaston! He’s the real monster!”

“But when I get angry—wait, that’s from Beauty and the Beast—”

“—those villagers can never keep us apart!”

“—still Beauty and the Beast—”

“—they all thought I was mad! Maaaaaad!”

“Tony, you’re not helping—”

“—and once we make green babies, those villagers will learn what fear really means!”

“—there are no villagers, Natasha—”

“—they’ll run screaming, as our little green ones chase them through their pitiful village…which I will set ablaze! And we shall laugh at them, my love! We’ll laugh as their world burns!”

“Yes! It will all burn!”

“Still not helping, Tony.”

There’s a cool brand of creepiness to this film, where passion always comes with a price. Love your coworker—face danger. Love your creations—face danger. Love wearing tight outfits—face danger. While the intended lesson from “Avengers: Age of Ultron” is “More power can make us less safe,” perhaps the real lesson is, “Don’t love anything. Or if you must, be ready to smash stuff with thrilling CGI sequences.”

Is it a perfect lesson? No. But then, this isn’t a perfect movie, and it’s not meant to be. “Avengers: Age of Ultron” is a triumph of plot quantity over plot twists; of big effects over little details. It’s not going to make you a better person—just a smiling one.

So leave the anguish to Bruce and Natasha and grab some popcorn. It’s time to have fun.

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CHOICE Movie Reviews: Cinderella by Andy Peth

3/13/2015

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First, my score guide:

Quality: This score indicates entertainment value.
0 stars is horrible, while 5 stars is spectacular.

Political: This score addresses political messaging.
0 stars is aggressively anti-Conservative, while 5 stars is highly pro-Conservative. 3 stars is apolitical.

Moral/Religious (M/R): This score addresses moral and religious messaging.
0 stars is either intensely immoral or all-out, needless assault on Christianity. 5 stars is either great moral messaging or highly pro-Christian. 3 stars is inoffensive either way.

Cinderella
Quality – 4 stars, Political – 4 stars, M/R – 4.5 stars

Ready for a happy ending?

Disney, a studio known for launching more tramps than ladies—more political correction than inspiration—has done the unthinkable: They’ve embraced simple innocence—an innocence rarely seen in modern America. After all, we today obsess over “our rights.” We numb ourselves with music, drink, drugs and thrills. We complain about politicians not catering enough to our demographics—whatever those are. In living for more, more, more, we’ve practically stopped living at all, but this remake of “Cinderella” might just guide us home.

And it’s from Disney. Go figure.

At the center of all this goodness is “Ella” (splendidly cast with Lily James). Ella loves her parents. She learns her lessons. Respecting good elders and forgiving bad ones, Ella is a perfect example of kindness and humility. Forget modern teen characters. Ella wouldn’t think of mocking and lecturing adults, but instead uses good deeds to remind them of forgotten values.

Still, I must admit, her committed service to a wicked stepmother and sisters is tough to swallow. Ella’s prettier than them, smarter, more eloquent, more everything—but she embraces slavery to honor her parents’ memory. Wow. Though it’s fun knowing how this angers feminists, I wonder if I could handle being with such a…well…pushover. Imagine taking Ella out to dinner:

“This is a most wondrous place!”

“Our table’s ready. You can stop sweeping the lobby now...and singing…”

“No singing? But I must celebrate the joy of you finding my slipper—”

“—Yeah, about that—“

“—when I dropped it at the ball!”

“Walmart. It was a Walmart.”

“Then, my dancing?”

“Probably not appropriate. The guys in Electronics seemed excited, though.”

“As was I! Excited when a gallant prince found my slipper!”

“Well, I picked it up. Thing was made of glass. I thought it was a vase. (Ella looks downcast) But hey, glass is good! I’m thinking of getting shoes made of…of…marble… (waitress arrives at table) Are you ready to order?”

“Oh, I never GIVE orders!”

“Ummm…yeah. What would you like?”

“Let’s see…hmmm…I believe I will have ‘15% gratuity added for parties of 10 or more.’”

“Thennnnnn…I’ll take the Seafood Extravaganza…for two.”

(Ella turns to the waitress) “Be warned, good maiden, Master enjoys his food hot and plentiful!”

“Don’t call me that. Not here, anyway.”

Okay, okay, I’m exaggerating a bit, but I was getting so used to seeing Disney teens in their natural state—like blaming parents during rehab, or carrying signs while screaming at protest marches. After decades of Britney’s and Miley’s, Ella’s goodness is downright unsettling.

Sweeping Ella off her feet is the handsome Prince Kit (Richard Madden). Kit is every woman’s dream; strong, smart, caring, yet humble. More than that, Kit loves and admires his father, whose health is failing, and he’s torn between honor to the throne and love for a commoner. Watching a young man with everything be principled as well, I wished some boys could see this story (none ever will). This Prince Charming is a far cry from the spoiled stars who are worshiped by today’s generations.

But surrounding every silver lining must be a cloud, so thank goodness for Cate Blanchett (probably my favorite actress), who shines once more as the cold, calculating stepmother. The wicked stepsisters are good as well, but Blanchett dominates. She’s just such a presence. Strutting about in fiendish delight, Blanchett adds crucial spice to a story dripping in saccharine; a cruel delay for any happily ever afters.

Nearly as good is Helena Bonham Carter as Ella’s fairy godmother. She’s daffy. She’s ditzy. Armed with a sparkling wand, she provides quite the light show, changing mice and a pumpkin into horses and a carriage. These visuals are amazing, but nothing dazzles like the transformation of Ella’s dress, which culminates in her spinning and spinning about. Little girls throughout the audience almost gasped with glee, and I couldn’t blame them. I mean, I’ve seen this done with magic dresses in countless movies, but nothing to match this. Truly spectacular stuff.

On many levels, this film is a sight to behold, from sweeping countrysides to majestic bluffs to gorgeous castles—so naturally, the magic must be first rate. And it is. But in the end, thanks to a modest heroine named Cinderella, this film’s greatest magic is neither special effects nor idealistic romance, but the purity of a life lived for others.

And that magic, my friends, can happen every day.

Bippity…

…boppity…

…boo. J

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CHOICE Movie Reviews: Chappie by Andy Peth

3/6/2015

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First, my score guide:

Quality:  This score indicates entertainment value.
0 stars is horrible, while 5 stars is spectacular.

Political:  This score addresses political messaging.
0 stars is aggressively anti-Conservative, while 5 stars is highly pro-Conservative. 3 stars is apolitical.

Moral/Religious (M/R):  This score addresses moral and religious messaging.
0 stars is either intensely immoral or all-out, needless assault on Christianity. 5 stars is either great moral messaging or highly pro-Christian. 3 stars is inoffensive either way.

Chappie
Quality – 2.5 stars, Political – 2 stars, M/R – 1 stars

Want to put the “science” back in “conscience?” Then “Chappie,” a Robocop-styled film set in South Africa, is for you.

Overrun by crime, a mildly futuristic Johannesburg turns to robot cops—built by programmer/creator, Deon (played by Dev Patel). Things are going great at first, with crime way down, but Deon has higher ambitions—he wants to create artificial intelligence. Actually designing consciousness to be placed in a robot, Deon must work around his profit-driven boss (Sigourney Weaver in a throwaway role), who has no interest in such frivolities. So, Deon must steal one of his own damaged units.

Alas, on his way home, Deon is taken captive by street thugs demanding he show them how to turn off the cursed robot cops. One thing leads to another. They find the damaged bot in Deon’s van, Deon assembles it, downloads its “consciousness,” and Chappie is born.

Chappie is a robot with the mind of an infant; at one moment inquisitive, the next, terrified. Predictably, when the humans are sleeping, he begins to explore. Hijinks ensue, as Chappie does a low-key impersonation of Star Wars’ blundering misfit, Jar Jar Binks (often confused with Joe Joe Biden). He knocks stuff over. He spills milk. He destroys a long-awaited trilogy (or was that Joe Joe?). It’s like watching a cute animal show where the baby bear falls down a hill, bounces into Daddy Bear who was trying to maul some campers, and knocks Daddy into a campfire. Chuckling, the narrator says, “Whoa! Someone put Dad out! What will this little scamp get into next?”

Thanks to Deon and sensitive female thug Yolandi (Played by rapper Yolandi, who is a real find, by the way), Chappie is a peace-loving robot—imagine Avengers nemesis Ultron in a tie dye shirt. He even calls Yolandi his “Mommy.” But Chappie is also being raised by a wicked Daddy, Ninja (played in over-the-top, Mad Max ruffian style by rapper Ninja).

At first, Chappie displays his “Animal Planet” cuteness, but to toughen him up for committing crimes, Ninja teaches Chappie to don a Gangsta Hip Hop persona. This is fun at first, with the nose-brushing mannerisms and awkward profanity, but it becomes tiring. Remember “Data” from Star Trek fame? Data’s forays into human character stayed amusing because he’d always revert to his charming android innocence. Chappie, however, is Gangsta forever. It just doesn’t work.

Meanwhile, there is a growing threat from Vincent (Hugh Jackman), a struggling robot designer driven mad with envy at Deon’s success (and of course, Vincent is a Christian). Vincent puts a gun to Deon’s head at the office—literally—then invites people to church. Later, when learning of Deon’s creation, Vincent determines to hunt down and cut up the unholy thing. This was gut-wrenching by design, sort of like putting down Ol’ Yeller—piece by piece. It also seemed forced. Honestly, I like Hugh Jackman, but when portraying types of people they despise, good actors often unleash their inner activists and go overboard. I half expected Hugh to start yelling, “I smite thee, sinner!”

The film’s message lacks subtlety. Basically, our consciousness is just an equation in our heads; easily reduced to a memory chip. Accept that, and we’ll stop hurting each other. Conversely, belief in God drives many people to evil, corrupting them toward irrational, destructive deeds.

Get it? Science gooooood. God baaaaaad. Ironically, the movie sermonizes louder than a fire and brimstone preacher. After two hours of this, I anticipate nightmares of Chappie chasing after me, relentless as The Terminator, calling out, “Christian people are bad! I am Chappie.”

“No! Please stop preaching to me!”

“I am alive. I am aware—”

“No! Not awareness! Don’t raise my awareness!”

“Why do Christians love war? I am Chappie. Why are profits evil? I am Chappie.”

“Someone stop the voice! Someone stop Metallic Bill Nye!!”

“You have been infected with a Jesus virus. Click here to download protection and remove religious malware. I am Chappie.”

“Stop! I promise to hate people! I’ll mock Christians with Bill Maher! Just PLEASE STOP TALKING!”

“To wake up, you must say one word to Chappie.”

“Anything!”

“Sequel.”

“Nnnnnnooooooooooo!!!!!!!”

Despite terrific CGI (Chappie looks strikingly real), this is a depressing movie. People do exaggerated, horrible things. Consciousness is downloadable. There is nothing special about humanity, except when mankind cleanses its religious inclinations and embraces the purity of base programming. The action is somewhat entertaining, but only those resenting religion and profits could take good feelings from such a tedious lecture.

At one point, Chappie—whose battery is failing—presses the religious question to his maker, “Why did you make me so I could die?”

My answer would be, “Well Chappie, we received a lot of requests…”

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CHOICE Movie Reviews: Kingsman: The Secret Service by Andy Peth

2/13/2015

3 Comments

First, my score guide:

Quality: This score indicates entertainment value.
0 stars is horrible, while 5 stars is spectacular.

Political: This score addresses political messaging.
0 stars is aggressively anti-Conservative, while 5 stars is highly pro-Conservative. 3 stars is apolitical.

Moral/Religious (M/R): This score addresses moral and religious messaging.
0 stars is either intensely immoral or all-out, needless assault on Christianity. 5 stars is either great moral messaging or highly pro-Christian. 3 stars is inoffensive either way.

Kingsman: The Secret Service
Quality – 3.5 stars, Political – 1 star, M/R – 1 star

Feeling like a 5 star production, the first third of “Kingsman: The Secret Service” is a real pleasure. The humor is fresh. The character development creates interest without slowing the pace. The action scenes, despite over-the-top effects, resemble “The Matrix” in precision. It’s a blast.

And the acting is perfect. Colin Firth is ideal as Harry Hart, a British super spy for an ultra-secret organization called, “The Kingsman.” He’s wonderful. With trademark class, wit, and distaste for snobbery, Firth pretty much sets the tone. Taron Egerton is fine in the lead role of Eggsy, a gifted, streetsmart lad to whom Harry owes a favor. The villain, Richmond Valentine, is portrayed in lispy campiness by the finest speech-giver of our time, Samuel Jackson. Honestly, I could watch this guy recite any recent Republican State of the Union response, word for word, and I’d be spellbound. He’s that good. And acting as his sexy assistant/enforcer is Sofia Boutella (she’s the one in all the ads with blades for feet). Soulless and focused, Boutella plays the quintessential killing machine. Great stuff.

Hart recruits Eggsy to compete for admittance to The Kingsman, setting up some good training rivalries with other gifted teens. Plenty of snobs-versus-commoners stuff. The tests are equally mental and physical, offering a nice side story as Hart must deal with the growing threat from Valentine. As I said, the first third is 5 star.

From there, as is common when Hollywood injects its agenda, the fun dwindles.

The anti-Right slams, of course, add nothing to the story. One world leader feels just fine partnering with Valentine's genocidal plans because, as he puts it, “I’m a Republican.” Groan. Then, we are presented that tired stereotype of—you guessed it—a hate-mongering Christian church. Hey, why not? There’s still one in Kansas, right? But I hear they’re getting better, now that Kevin Bacon taught them to dance!

Chockfull of foot-stomping bigots and a preacher attacking endless non-white-Christian groups, this caricature blasts away, depicting Hollywood’s view of what “we Right-wingers” must be like—you know, when we’re away from the public eye, in our meetin’s! Oh, heck yeah! Is this Tea Party shindig done yet? We’s all gotta hood up and go hunt some gays and non-white folks! And we’s gotta hurry, cuz’ we’s gotta git up fer church tomorrow mornin’! Yee-haw!

I just sat watching this, rubbing my temple…but then it got worse.

Thanks to a mind-control device being used by Valentine, uncontrolled mayhem erupts in the church, as the film’s producers gleefully chop up and impale all the parishioners with carnage that would make Braveheart shield his eyes. Going on and on in a veritable orgy of “white hater” slaughter, the scene provides a glimpse of Hollywood’s “tolerance.” It’s like that awkward moment when someone at a dinner party shares too much of their views. Laughing nervously, you say, “Okay, I got it, Bob! Why don’t we just get you outside, away from all these drinks, ‘kay? No, your wife can join us later—she needs a moment…”

Oh well, the film has some balance. Valentine, after all, is an eco-terrorist, so that’s something. But the anti-Right stuff—in fact, all the political stuff—is so clumsy and needless that it slows down the plot. Even the violence becomes cartoonish, with hundreds of heads exploding in some sort of 1960’s, lava lamp rainbow bursts. Weird. It's like watching The Beatles battle The Blue Meanies in "Yellow Submarine." I was thinking, "How could anyone get stoned enough to make this?"

Once the film starts preaching and insulting, everything derails. Yikes.

Still, all in all, “Kingsman” is entertaining. It’s a high-action romp with plenty of great visuals and a decent storyline. It’s also just 2 hours, 8 minutes—allowing me ample time for getting to my next meetin’. Yeeeeeeeeeeeee-haw!

3 Comments

CHOICE Movie Reviews: Project Almanac By Andy Peth

1/30/2015

1 Comment

First, my score guide:

Quality: This score indicates entertainment value.
0 stars is horrible, while 5 stars is spectacular.

Political: This score addresses political messaging.
0 stars is aggressively anti-Conservative, while 5 stars is highly pro-Conservative. 3 stars is apolitical.

Moral/Religious (M/R): This score addresses moral and religious messaging.
0 stars is either intensely immoral or all-out, needless assault on Christianity. 5 stars is either great moral messaging or highly pro-Christian. 3 stars is inoffensive either way.

Project Almanac
Quality – 2 stars, Political – 3 stars, M/R – 2 stars

The latest in a series of found footage films, “Project Almanac” uses this familiar technique to explore time travel. Well, someone had to do it.

Honestly, the found footage style can get tiresome. You know the routine; someone is “filming” others as events unfold, thus creating a “this is really happening,” home movie sensation. So, the camera jostles around uncontrollably. Scenes jump up and down, characters move in and out of focus, lighting is awful—it’s basically how Lindsay Lohan sees life all the time. Hence, I call it “Lindsayvision.”

The earliest Lindsayvision I remember was “The Blair Witch Project”; a stylish horror “documentary.” Wandering in a forest until hopelessly lost, a small film-making crew discovers frightening witchcraft sites while hearing terrifying sounds in the dark. Dread rises as they run in fright and get separated, with the bouncing camera footage lending chaos to their perils. At the time, this was cutting edge stuff; pretty scary. Nevertheless, I found it rather boring—too much wandering—and I was escorted from the theatre for repeatedly yelling, “Scooby Doo, where are you?”

Nobody gets me.

In “Project Almanac,” we follow a small group of teens who have stumbled upon a guide to create time travel. Led by handsome but awkward genius David (Jonny Weston), the merry band keeps going back in time to undo personal failures and manipulate better outcomes. This is funny. Forget stopping 9/11 or the BP oil spill. It’s time for teen hijinks! Get the dream girl! Win the lottery! Humiliate teachers and bullies! Woohoo! Though the time travel “science” is preposterous, a fellow in the back of the theatre resembling Jonathan Gruber was furiously taking notes.

Anyway, as timelines are corrupted, things spin out of control, and “Project Almanac” evolves into a thriller. People die. Friends are hurt. The future is at risk. Can David undo the damage while still getting his dream girl Jesse (Sofia Black-D’elia)?

Ultimately, “Project Almanac” is about young people given godlike command over their surroundings. What could go wrong? Too inexperienced to forecast consequences, the teens wreak havoc, wielding their power to enact selfish ambitions. They just want what they want. They want it now. They have the clout to get it. And predictably, these teens neither know—nor care about—the wider impact of their decisions. It’s like watching the election of Barack Obama…in Lindsayvision.

The film’s pacing becomes tedious, especially during David’s hesitations with Jesse. Let’s see, he’s crazy about her, and she’s throwing herself at him, but, but—sheesh, no guy drops this many passes. Miss Piggy was less forward with Kermit. Dragging Jesse about as she clings to his leg, David wonders if this teen supermodel will ever give him a chance. It’s all just so…so…so real. Scribbling feverishly and shaking his head, Gruber muttered, “You’ll regret this, David…and regrets eat at you…I hit my head a lot to stop the voices…”

Nevertheless, the acting in “Almanac” is solid; or in the case of Jonny Weston, superb. His future is limitless. Beyond him, the character development is kept appropriately light. And then, of course, there is the gratuitous fluff of teen girls partying, tossed in to draw young male viewers. Whatever. It flows well enough with the story, and Lindsayvision seems a suitable venue for lots of Lindsays.

All in all, an average effort brought lower by unstable camerawork. And as Gruber was escorted out for shouting, “Go back! Must…go back!”, I couldn’t help but sympathize:

“I’ve been there, pal. Nobody gets us. They’re all idiots.”

1 Comment

CHOICE Movie Reviews: Blackhat by Andy Peth

1/16/2015

0 Comments

First, my score guide:

Quality: This score indicates entertainment value.
0 stars is horrible, while 5 stars is spectacular.

Political: This score addresses political messaging.
0 stars is aggressively anti-Conservative, while 5 stars is highly pro-Conservative. 3 stars is apolitical.

Moral/Religious (M/R): This score addresses moral and religious messaging.
0 stars is either intensely immoral or all-out, needless assault on Christianity. 5 stars is either great moral messaging or highly pro-Christian. 3 stars is inoffensive either way.

Blackhat
Quality – 2 stars, Political – 3 stars, M/R – 2 stars

In “Blackhat,” Chris Hemsworth (of “Thor” fame) stars as Nicholas Hathaway, a ridiculously hunky convict/computer hacker. He’s musclebound. He’s shirtless. And he’s a whiz with a keypad. Watching this film with my wife, I felt strangely alone:

“Cori, I just fell and hurt myself…”

“…uh huh…”

“…might need medical attention…”

“…good, good…”

“…I’m frightened, every second counts…

“…let’s talk about it later, ummm…uhhh...Andy…”

I waved hands and clicked fingers over her face, but to no avail. Cori was gone; a soulless, empty shell. Only once did she close her eyes, tapping her heels together and saying, “I wish…I wish…I wish…” She then looked at me, and sobbed uncontrollably. Girl issues, I guess.

Anyway, “Blackhat” is about more than Hemsworth’s biceps. The film opens with camera shots following data along the information highway—you know, wires, connections, hard drives. Pretty cool; sort of Matrix-y. Using lights and dancing electricity, the progression shows how someone in one place can drastically affect events in another—using all those computer thingies an’ stuff. The target? A Chinese nuclear reactor. In moments, a cooling system is compromised. A meltdown ensues. People die.

Thus launches a joint China-America operation to track down the cyberterrorists, with Chen (Leehom Wang), an MIT grad and Chinese official, recruiting his prison-bound friend Hathaway to help. It seems the two developed a critical piece of the bad guys’ computer weaponry.

Naturally, Chen has a hot sister (Lien, played by Wei Tang), who naturally jumps into a torrid romance with Hathaway, which naturally has all the chemistry of “We’re together because we’re in the same movie and we’re both really hot.” Forget romantic development. Just put two hotties in tense situations and let them “relate.” It’s like transferring a female panda to a zoo, hoping she and the lonely male panda can, you know, find the magic.

There’s lots of feverish typing in this movie. Clock’s a tickin’, better type faster! Typing along to dramatic music (which every IT nerd should play when fixing someone’s printer), Hathaway unravels various conundrums. After each puzzle solved, he’s off to find more clues or stop more bad guys—after first getting in some good flexing.

Acting? It’s fine. Plotline? Also fine, except toward the end. Action? Pretty good, with some downright tragic twists at one point—pretty shocking. Problems? Just this: There’s too much detail, especially when the good guys travel anywhere. For some reason, Director Michael Mann thinks we’ll better appreciate the mood when seeing every car ride, walk, taxi hail, doorway, plane trip, etc. For Mann, getting there is half the fun—and half the movie.

This, unfortunately, grinds down the film’s pace, leaving good elements to drift away in a current of boredom. Too bad. Had Mann edited out 20 minutes or so, “Blackhat” might well have been a solid thriller.

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CHOICE Movie Reviews: Kingsman: The Secret Service by Andy Peth

CHOICE Movie Reviews: Project Almanac By Andy Peth

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