MODERATOR: “Let’s start with a question for Dr. Ben Carson, so we can ignore him the rest of the night.”
CARSON: “Thank you.”
MODERATOR: “Dr. Carson, you recently said President Obama was ‘raised white.’ What did you mean by this?”
CARSON: “Well, he was raised by two white grandparents in Hawaii—”
MODERATOR: “Anything else?”
CARSON: “—spent his formative years with his white mother in Indonesia, attending private schools –”
MODERATOR: “What’s your point?”
CARSON: “—throws a baseball like Will Ferrell, raises his pinky to drink wine, shoots free throws like the kid from ‘Hoosiers’—”
MODERATOR: “I…umm…”
CARSON: “—and his Vice President is so pale, it’s like looking at an ice sculpture.”
MODERATOR: (jaw is dropped) “Uhhhhhh…this next question is for Senator Cruz. Senator, your campaign recently ran an ad splicing pictures of Marco Rubio and President Obama, making it appear they were shaking hands.”
CRUZ: “That was an honest mistake! It’s not my fault this happens to be Marco’s favorite pose!”
RUBIO: “It is not!” (digs in his wallet) “Look, here’s my favorite! It’s me running at a dead sprint! I call it ‘Running Marco!’”
MODERATOR: “That’s not actually a pose, Senator—”
RUBIO: “—I was avoiding a vote on something! I try to do it three times a week—”
MODERATOR: “—Senator—”
RUBIO: “—really burns the carbs!”
CRUZ: “Marco, that’s not a pose! That’s…jeez, do you ever vote?”
RUBIO: “Maybe! What about you? How do I know you vote, huh?! Answer that, Ted!”
CRUZ: “You’d know if you ever showed up!”
RUBIO: (turns away, looking at his picture) “He’s on to us, Running Marco! It’s like when he spoke Spanish!”
CRUZ: (looks to the audience) “To prove this is Marco’s favorite pose, I’ve arranged a slide show. If you’ll all look to the big screen…”
TRUMP: “Hey! I was told no slide shows!”
MODERATOR: “No one said that, Mr. Trump.”
TRUMP: “Wish I’d known! I got some pretty racy stuff…here’s one with all my wives by the pool…”
MODERATOR: “—Mr. Trump—”
TRUMP: “It’s for a new show: ‘Real Housewives of Donald Trump. Starring Donald Trump.’”
MODERATOR: “—Mr. Trump—”
TRUMP: “Wait, a couple of these might be daughters. Hey, they all look the same, okay?! My wives have had more work done—”
MODERATOR: “—Mr. Trump—”
TRUMP: “—than restoring the pyramids!”
MODERATOR: “—Mr. Trump, it’s Senator Cruz’s time right now.”
TRUMP: “Who?”
CRUZ: “Thank you, Your Honor.”
MODERATOR: “Don’t call me that.”
CRUZ: “Let’s get back to my slides. In this first shot, you’ll see Marco striking the same pose while shaking hands…with a baby! He’s shaking a baby, Your Honor!”
RUBIO: “But that doesn’t look real! I’m usually running!” (turns to his own picture) “Tell them!”
MODERATOR: “Senator Cruz, this photo has Senator Rubio in black and white, while the child is in color—”
CRUZ: “That’s just poor photography. I’ll fire the guy who did this!”
MODERATOR: “—and the baby appears much closer, making it the same size as Senator Rubio—”
CRUZ: “Marco’s pretty short.”
CARSON: “Ted, I’ve delivered babies. That’s like…that’s like twenty babies.”
MODERATOR: (head resting in hand) “Do you have any other pictures, Senator Cruz?”
CRUZ: “Yes I do, Your Honor—”
MODERATOR: “Don’t call me that.”
CRUZ: “In this next photo, there is a knife in Marco’s hand. As you can see, he’s slaying the last dinosaur—”
MODERATOR: “With the same smile?”
CRUZ: “He’s bloodthirsty, Your Honor! Look at his eyes! Why, ending a species means no more to Marco than shaking hands with someone who isn’t Obama!”
RUBIO: “You know, that does look like me! Can’t place the dinosaur though…”
MODERATOR: (head still in hand) “It’s a Stegosaurus, Senator Rubio. You can tell by the big caption underneath. Senator Cruz, are there any more pictures?”
CRUZ: “Yes, Your Honor.”
MODERATOR: “Please don’t—”
CRUZ: “Here you see Marco holding a tennis racket, returning serve against Serena Williams.”
MODERATOR: “That’s the Women’s Finals at Wimbledon, Senator Cruz.”
RUBIO: “Did I win?”
MODERATOR: “You weren’t there, Senator.”
RUBIO: “Really? Wow, I gotta start showing up!”
MODERATOR: “Senator Cruz, do you have any other pictures?”
CRUZ: “Your Honor, I think it only fair that I show some pictures of myself as well.”
MODERATOR: “Oh…goody.”
CRUZ: “Now this first one is me with God. I’m advising Him on the Grand Canyon.”
MODERATOR: “Senator—”
TRUMP: “I’ve had it! Ted acts like he’s the only Christian here! Well, I love Jesus too! Jesus isn’t one of those loser religions, like that one with the Pope!”
MODERATOR: “Ummm…”
CRUZ: “And here’s another one with me and God, reaching out toward each other, almost touching.”
RUBIO: (turning away) “Why don’t you have pictures like these, Running Marco? Answer me!”
MODERATOR: “Please face the audience, Senator Rubio. Senator Cruz, regarding your religious beliefs, don’t you think your evangelistic style could be oft-putting with some voters?”
CRUZ: “Everyone has a style, Your Honor.”
MODERATOR: “STOP CALLING—(regains composure)--for instance, after winning in Iowa, you spoke for two days straight—”
CRUZ: “I was full of the Spirit, Your Honor.”
MODERATOR: “—in a tent on the plains—”
CRUZ: “Perfectly normal.”
MODERATOR: “—and by the end, you were selling something called ‘Ted’s Magical Elixir of Health and Happiness.’”
CRUZ: “It cures whatever ails ya.”
RUBIO: “I bought one. Stuff made the room spin, then I passed out.”
KASICH: “Hey, am I going to be asked a question soon?”
MODERATOR: “Oh…sure, why not. Governor Kasich, you recently said, ‘Being president might not be my purpose.’ What did you mean by that?”
KASICH: “I meant I’m not going to be president. Just look at the polls!”
MODERATOR: “That’s…that’s very forthright…”
KASICH: “That’s just the way I roll.” (looks at audience) “So if you want a candidate who’s honest, humble, realistic—”
TRUMP: “—and they don’t—”
KASICH: “—then I’m the guy for you.”
TRUMP: “—and he’s not.”
CRUZ: “Stop it, Donald! We’re all on the same team here! And I must say I was deeply moved by the hug Governor Kasich gave one of his supporters!”
KASICH: “Thank you, Ted! It was a special moment.”
CRUZ: “But as you can see, we also have a picture of you in the same pose, mauling campers in Yosemite.”
RUBIO: “Ooooohhhh! Busted!”
MODERATOR: “That’s enough! Someone burn that projector! I’m getting a headache!”
RUBIO: “I’ve got some stuff that might help.”
MODERATOR: “Argh! Idiots! We’re done here!”
CARSON: “Thank you.”
MODERATOR: “Dr. Carson, you recently said President Obama was ‘raised white.’ What did you mean by this?”
CARSON: “Well, he was raised by two white grandparents in Hawaii—”
MODERATOR: “Anything else?”
CARSON: “—spent his formative years with his white mother in Indonesia, attending private schools –”
MODERATOR: “What’s your point?”
CARSON: “—throws a baseball like Will Ferrell, raises his pinky to drink wine, shoots free throws like the kid from ‘Hoosiers’—”
MODERATOR: “I…umm…”
CARSON: “—and his Vice President is so pale, it’s like looking at an ice sculpture.”
MODERATOR: (jaw is dropped) “Uhhhhhh…this next question is for Senator Cruz. Senator, your campaign recently ran an ad splicing pictures of Marco Rubio and President Obama, making it appear they were shaking hands.”
CRUZ: “That was an honest mistake! It’s not my fault this happens to be Marco’s favorite pose!”
RUBIO: “It is not!” (digs in his wallet) “Look, here’s my favorite! It’s me running at a dead sprint! I call it ‘Running Marco!’”
MODERATOR: “That’s not actually a pose, Senator—”
RUBIO: “—I was avoiding a vote on something! I try to do it three times a week—”
MODERATOR: “—Senator—”
RUBIO: “—really burns the carbs!”
CRUZ: “Marco, that’s not a pose! That’s…jeez, do you ever vote?”
RUBIO: “Maybe! What about you? How do I know you vote, huh?! Answer that, Ted!”
CRUZ: “You’d know if you ever showed up!”
RUBIO: (turns away, looking at his picture) “He’s on to us, Running Marco! It’s like when he spoke Spanish!”
CRUZ: (looks to the audience) “To prove this is Marco’s favorite pose, I’ve arranged a slide show. If you’ll all look to the big screen…”
TRUMP: “Hey! I was told no slide shows!”
MODERATOR: “No one said that, Mr. Trump.”
TRUMP: “Wish I’d known! I got some pretty racy stuff…here’s one with all my wives by the pool…”
MODERATOR: “—Mr. Trump—”
TRUMP: “It’s for a new show: ‘Real Housewives of Donald Trump. Starring Donald Trump.’”
MODERATOR: “—Mr. Trump—”
TRUMP: “Wait, a couple of these might be daughters. Hey, they all look the same, okay?! My wives have had more work done—”
MODERATOR: “—Mr. Trump—”
TRUMP: “—than restoring the pyramids!”
MODERATOR: “—Mr. Trump, it’s Senator Cruz’s time right now.”
TRUMP: “Who?”
CRUZ: “Thank you, Your Honor.”
MODERATOR: “Don’t call me that.”
CRUZ: “Let’s get back to my slides. In this first shot, you’ll see Marco striking the same pose while shaking hands…with a baby! He’s shaking a baby, Your Honor!”
RUBIO: “But that doesn’t look real! I’m usually running!” (turns to his own picture) “Tell them!”
MODERATOR: “Senator Cruz, this photo has Senator Rubio in black and white, while the child is in color—”
CRUZ: “That’s just poor photography. I’ll fire the guy who did this!”
MODERATOR: “—and the baby appears much closer, making it the same size as Senator Rubio—”
CRUZ: “Marco’s pretty short.”
CARSON: “Ted, I’ve delivered babies. That’s like…that’s like twenty babies.”
MODERATOR: (head resting in hand) “Do you have any other pictures, Senator Cruz?”
CRUZ: “Yes I do, Your Honor—”
MODERATOR: “Don’t call me that.”
CRUZ: “In this next photo, there is a knife in Marco’s hand. As you can see, he’s slaying the last dinosaur—”
MODERATOR: “With the same smile?”
CRUZ: “He’s bloodthirsty, Your Honor! Look at his eyes! Why, ending a species means no more to Marco than shaking hands with someone who isn’t Obama!”
RUBIO: “You know, that does look like me! Can’t place the dinosaur though…”
MODERATOR: (head still in hand) “It’s a Stegosaurus, Senator Rubio. You can tell by the big caption underneath. Senator Cruz, are there any more pictures?”
CRUZ: “Yes, Your Honor.”
MODERATOR: “Please don’t—”
CRUZ: “Here you see Marco holding a tennis racket, returning serve against Serena Williams.”
MODERATOR: “That’s the Women’s Finals at Wimbledon, Senator Cruz.”
RUBIO: “Did I win?”
MODERATOR: “You weren’t there, Senator.”
RUBIO: “Really? Wow, I gotta start showing up!”
MODERATOR: “Senator Cruz, do you have any other pictures?”
CRUZ: “Your Honor, I think it only fair that I show some pictures of myself as well.”
MODERATOR: “Oh…goody.”
CRUZ: “Now this first one is me with God. I’m advising Him on the Grand Canyon.”
MODERATOR: “Senator—”
TRUMP: “I’ve had it! Ted acts like he’s the only Christian here! Well, I love Jesus too! Jesus isn’t one of those loser religions, like that one with the Pope!”
MODERATOR: “Ummm…”
CRUZ: “And here’s another one with me and God, reaching out toward each other, almost touching.”
RUBIO: (turning away) “Why don’t you have pictures like these, Running Marco? Answer me!”
MODERATOR: “Please face the audience, Senator Rubio. Senator Cruz, regarding your religious beliefs, don’t you think your evangelistic style could be oft-putting with some voters?”
CRUZ: “Everyone has a style, Your Honor.”
MODERATOR: “STOP CALLING—(regains composure)--for instance, after winning in Iowa, you spoke for two days straight—”
CRUZ: “I was full of the Spirit, Your Honor.”
MODERATOR: “—in a tent on the plains—”
CRUZ: “Perfectly normal.”
MODERATOR: “—and by the end, you were selling something called ‘Ted’s Magical Elixir of Health and Happiness.’”
CRUZ: “It cures whatever ails ya.”
RUBIO: “I bought one. Stuff made the room spin, then I passed out.”
KASICH: “Hey, am I going to be asked a question soon?”
MODERATOR: “Oh…sure, why not. Governor Kasich, you recently said, ‘Being president might not be my purpose.’ What did you mean by that?”
KASICH: “I meant I’m not going to be president. Just look at the polls!”
MODERATOR: “That’s…that’s very forthright…”
KASICH: “That’s just the way I roll.” (looks at audience) “So if you want a candidate who’s honest, humble, realistic—”
TRUMP: “—and they don’t—”
KASICH: “—then I’m the guy for you.”
TRUMP: “—and he’s not.”
CRUZ: “Stop it, Donald! We’re all on the same team here! And I must say I was deeply moved by the hug Governor Kasich gave one of his supporters!”
KASICH: “Thank you, Ted! It was a special moment.”
CRUZ: “But as you can see, we also have a picture of you in the same pose, mauling campers in Yosemite.”
RUBIO: “Ooooohhhh! Busted!”
MODERATOR: “That’s enough! Someone burn that projector! I’m getting a headache!”
RUBIO: “I’ve got some stuff that might help.”
MODERATOR: “Argh! Idiots! We’re done here!”
(Moderator storms off. Everyone follows except Rubio, who looks at his picture)
RUBIO: “Well, you were no help at all...made a fool of yourself…”
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